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November23, 2005 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called. "In whose favor?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To get more out of a sermon, get adequate sleep - well before the sermon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two red necks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them" Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck," and continued on their way. A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?" Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida." Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the damn store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old lady went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine. So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered: "They send us on tours, and let us live in Arizona or Florida." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them,got home,put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on."Come over here baby."she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off,"If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e." In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely that she can also think. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax, and when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess?!" Never heard another peep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog of course. He'll shut up after you let him in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answering a knock at my door. I found a small boy, about six years old, one I recognized as from a new family that had recently moved in down the street. - Something of his he said had somehow found its way into my garage and he was asking for it back. - I couldn't help but notice several other munchkins about the same age, sort of mopin' and shufflin' around on the curb pretending to be disinterested in our negotiations. - Opening the garage door, I noticed two new additions: a base-ball sitting in the middle of the garage floor and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. - "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. he a bit hesitant to enter into the open garage more than a foot or two. - But taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and then one very quick look and assessment at me, the boy blurted out in one big tumble of words, - "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A disheveled cowboy, reeking of booze, lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Dallas Theatre. - The usher came by and seeing him, whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." - The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient, saying "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." - Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success - Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. - "Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. - With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, "... the balcony..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What is this? NaCl CCCCCCC Find the answer under Buggs **** Quickies ****Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. ~ Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: He stops breathing. ~ Q: What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth? A: The trailer is level. ~ Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows. They've never tried. ~ Christmas has been canceled** and it is all your fault because you told Santa you had been good this year. * *And he died laughing!* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** A US woman was arrested for calling 911 after a restaurant served her cold onion rings. Shania Houma, from Louisiana, told police the food was cold when she received it and the waiter refused to replace it. So she dialed 911 from the restaurant. Police turned up - but only to arrest Houma for wasting police time. She is due in court in December. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Milwaukee man, found guilty of being drunk while driving an ice cream truck, will spend 150 days in jail. Forty-three year old David Blunzell was also fined $1,000 after he showed up drunk during an earlier stage of the trial. The criminal complaint says that police were tipped off about Blunzell's ice cream truck after a homeowner saw him toss a malt liquor can out of his truck and onto her lawn. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is an actual lawsuit filed in the US THE DEFENDANT: The Joseph Company, makers of The Clapper (a device that activates lamps when someone claps) THE LAWSUIT: The suit was filed because when the goober had to clap so hard, she injured her hands trying to get the light to go on. In fact, she was in so much pain, she said, "I couldn't peel potatoes," adding: "I never ate so many baked potatoes in my life" THE VERDICT: Case dismissed. The judge ruled that the Clapper owner "had merely failed to adjust the sensitivity controls." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No Luck O' the Irish For Drunk Driver GROSSE POINTE, Mich. - A man who told a police officer he was driving while drunk because of his Irish heritage faces an uncertain fate in court. A police officer spotted a Dodge van pulled over to the side of the road with two flat tires early Sunday morning, the Detroit Free Press reported. The officer said as he approached the vehicle, its driver opened his door and "spiked his cell phone to the ground." When asked if he had been drinking, he responded: "Man, I'm not going to lie to you -- I'm drunk." Asked how much, the officer got a surprise answer. "Man, I'm Irish, so a lot," the unidentified driver said. After he could not recite the alphabet, stand without stumbling or follow the beam of a penlight, he was arrested, and is awaiting a court date. **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Bizarre Stories From the News * An Alaskan assemblyman authored legislation to punish "public flatulence, crepitation, gaseous emission, and miasmic effluence," with a $100 penalty. * Firefighters in Thurston, Washington slept through a fire in their own station. A passing police officer noticed the blaze and called in the alarm. * In 1986, firefighters used wire cutters,scissors and pliers to free a San Jose, California woman from a tight pair of designer jeans. * In the 1988 Massachusetts Democratic primary, Herbert Connolly dashed from a late campaign appearance to the poll- ing place to cast his ballot. He got there fifteen minutes late, and lost his seat on the Governor's council. The final tally: 14,716 to 14,715. * The Internal Revenue Service fined George Wittmeier $159.78 for not paying all of his taxes. He was a penny short on his return. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pilot Lands Conked-Out Plane on Highway NEW HILL, N.C. - A pilot whose engine died looked around for a smooth emergency landing spot and spotted just what he needed - a four-lane highway that wasn't busy. Frank H. Smith, 87, of Cary was flying his home-built aircraft at 8,500 feet when he lost power Saturday afternoon. He saw that traffic on a stretch of U.S. 1 was light enough for him to land in the southbound lanes without endangering any vehicles, then put his plane down and coasted over to the side of the highway. "When the engine blows, you've got to put it down someplace," he said. "Highway 1 was the best I could do. I lucked out." State Trooper Ed Suttles said no charges would be filed and the National Transportation Safety Board would investigate. Smith, a retired engineer, said it was the first problem he has had in about 30 years of flying. He said the aircraft has given him no trouble since he built it in 1993. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Japanese Man Repeats At Hamburger Champ Takeru Kobayashi swallowed 67 Krystal's hamburgers in eight minutes to retain his title of Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Champion and win $10,000. Kobayashi, of Nagano, Japan, fended off San Diego State University engineering student Joey Chestnut, who was tied with the Japanese champion at 60 Krystals with 37 seconds left. Chestnut, 21, said his failure to dunk one of the 2.5-square-inch burgers in water slowed him, and Kobayashi downed seven more Krystals as Chestnut only finished two in the remaining time. "I tried to swallow without dunking it," Chestnut said. "I could have kept going. His experience carried him." The 172-pound Kobayashi, who finished 69 Krystals during the 2004 contest, said this year's competition was a struggle. Kobayashi also holds the title of hot dog-eating champion, after eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest at Coney Island, New York. "If I didn't have (Joey) Chestnut pushing me, I wouldn't have eaten so much this year," he said through a translator. "My arms weren't moving as fast as I wanted them to. I'm going to lose weight and come back to break my record next year." The 16 contestants had eaten between 27 and 57 burgers in qualifying rounds to make it to Saturday's event, sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Second prize was $5,000 and third was $2,500. "I've never seen anything like it," said Kim Reece, academic coordinator with
the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga athletic department. "Like finely
tuned athletes, they have to train for this." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smelly 'Corpse Plant' Drawing CrowdsBy JACOB ADELMAN, Associated Press Its scent has drawn comparisons to garbage and spoiled meat, but that isn't stopping crowds from flocking to see _and smell ??” an unusual plant in bloom at the U.S. Botanic Garden. The titan arum plant, nicknamed "corpse plant" for its rank smell, is attracting thousands of visitors during the day or two it remains in bloom. "It's quite spectacular: the color and the form and the strong odor," said John Kress, chairman of the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History's botany department, which owns the plant. "I think that's what most people come to see. Or smell." The long, conical bloom of the titan arum is believed to be the largest flower that doesn't grow on a tree. It has been known to grow 12 feet high in its native habitat on the island of Sumatra. The specimen at the botanic garden, which began blooming early Sunday, is about 5 feet high. Now that it's in bloom, the plant has also started emitting a smell that's drawn comparisons to garbage, spoiled meat, and rotting fish. But the plant's stench is actually the key to its survival: carrion beetles and other pollinators in its native Sumatra are attracted to the smell, Kress said. "These beetles usually lay their eggs in rotting animals, so this plant pretends to be a dead animal," he said. The smell also seems to be attracting visitors to the botanic garden. About 2,000 people had come to the garden to see the plant by Sunday afternoon, and at least 10,000 were expected by day's end. Visitors are also interested in the plant because they are few chances to see one, Kress said. There are only about a dozen of the plants in the United States, he said. A typical titan arum plant only blooms about once every five years. The one at the U.S. Botanic Garden is blooming for the first time at age 14. Garden visitor Charles Miehm said he came to see the plant because it seemed like a rare opportunity. "It's not as rancid as roadkill, but it's got a pretty potent smell," he
said. Elderly Ga. Man on Oxygen Foils RobbersDespite being 83 years old and reliant on oxygen tubes for a lung ailment, Harry Carpenter wouldn't let his wife of 57 years be robbed by knife-wielding intruders in his own home. Two would-be robbers forced their way into the home of Carpenter and his wife, Jackie, Wednesday evening while the two were having dinner, according to a police report. One of them made Harry Carpenter sit down in the sun room, while the other went with Jackie Carpenter, 80, to get money from her bedroom. Carpenter tried to come to his wife's rescue but was threatened with the knife. Then he got his break ??” his wife pretended to faint and the intruder who was holding him went into the other room to see what was happening. Carpenter shuffled to the laundry room, where he kept an old, unloaded rifle that he used to shoot squirrels, he said. When one of the intruders came back, he found Carpenter aiming
the rifle at him and yelled at his companion to flee. Police were unable to
locate the two suspects, who didn't get any money. Mirrors to Banish Town's Winter DarknessBy GEORGE JAHN, Associated Press The sun has stopped shining in Rattenberg. But with the aid of a few mirrors, the winter darkness that grips this small town could soon be brightened up with pockets of sunshine. That's because sun is plentiful less than 10 minutes' walk from the town and from Rat Mountain, the 3,000-foot hill that blocks its sunlight between November and February each year. The solution: 30 heliostats, essentially rotating mirrors, mounted on a hillside to grab sunshine off reflectors from the neighboring village of Kramsach. Bartenbach Lichtlabor GmbH, the Austrian company behind the idea, has already used mirrors for lighting projects around the world ??” sunshine into European basements and railroad stations or nighttime illumination of a mosque in Saudi Arabia and Malaysia. It says the reflector technology is now advanced enough to justify the company's first attempt to bring sunshine into a village. It's costly, however. The European Union is footing half the $2.4 million bill, and the company says it will pay the $600,000 cost of planning the project, gambling that success will attract more business. "I am sure we will soon help other mountain villages see the light," says Markus Peskoller, Lichtlabor's director. In the Tyrol region of the Alps alone, about 60 communities suffer the same fate in winter as Rattenberg. Peskoller says about six other towns in Austria and neighboring Switzerland have expressed interest. The technology requires pinpoint beaming, and even the most modern mirrors have slight distortions and are vulnerable to strong winds. Peskoller says those problems can be compensated for. But it would take a mirror the size of a football field to light up all of Rattenberg, "and we cannot cover the mountain with mirrors to bathe the whole town in light," he says. So Lichtlabor plans to create about a dozen "hotspots" ??” areas not much bigger than a front yard scattered through the town, where people can gather and soak up rays. The mirrors would also reflect at various times of day onto building facades to show daylight slowly turning to dusk. Rattenberg was built between the hill to the south and the Inn River to the north starting in the 1300s for protection against marauders. Back then, lack of sunshine was a small price to pay for relative security. But as such dangers diminished, dozens more settlements sprang up. Some, like Kramsach, are just half a mile away and all enjoy a few hours of sun on a clear winter's day. Rattenberg's demographics reflect the pull of the sun. The town 25 miles east of Innsbruck is Austria's smallest_ and getting smaller. Its population has dropped by about 20 percent to 440 in the last two decades, and both Peskoller and Mayor Franz Wurzenrainer attribute that at least in part to lack of sunshine. The mayor remembers how in the 1950s, when not everyone had a car, townspeople would trek over the bridge on the Inn River to Kramsach on a Sunday "to tank up on some sun." In a poll of four years ago, about 50 percent of Rattenbergers listed lack of winter sunlight as their biggest disadvantage. "We all complain, although those who have lived here into old age can put up with the problem," says Maria Auer, 91. "But the young folks are moving away." Christine Margreiter runs a florist's shop in town but lives in a sunnier town nearby where she makes up for sunless weekdays by hiking and gardening. "It's unpleasant to come here for me," she says. "Dark and cold." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send those dead animals in now, folks...The forestry department in the remote eastern Indian state of Assam is appealing for dead animals -- to feed vultures threatened with extinction, a newspaper reported Saturday. India has lost more than 95 percent of its vulture population in the last decade to mystery viruses, avian flu and carcasses sprinkled with pesticide. The Hindustan Times newspaper said more than 500 vultures had died in Assam since 2001. It reported the forestry department wanted carcasses from towns and villages in Assam to be brought to two specially demarcated areas known for their vulture population. The birds are considered sacred by some communities in India and play an important role in Hindu mythology for trying to save the wife of God-king Ram. Throw another Skippy on the barbie? How do you like your kangaroo -- medium rare? Doesn't sound too appealing, does it? So in a bid to make Australia's national icon more palatable, Food Companion International magazine and the Kangaroo Industry Association of Australia are running a competition to find a more palatable culinary name for the meat of the hopping marsupials. More than 300 entries have already been received from around the world including marsu (taken from marsupial), marla and wallagang (derived from the Aboriginal language), agaroo and the more unlikely Cyril, Skippy, yummy and roadkill. "We need to come up with a catchier name for kangaroo meat. The current name inhibits some chefs from using the product because they know people will be put off ordering it," Mel Nathan, editor of Food Companion, told Reuters Monday. "Overseas visitors tend to think that the koala and kangaroo are cute and cuddly animals there is no way they would ever dream of eating the product." Australia's kangaroo population is conservatively estimated at more than 57
million. The Kangaroo Industry Association said around 15 to 20 percent of the
population is harvested annually with the industry worth about A$200 million
($147 million). **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** The Parable of the Spoons ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The American Music Awards are this Tuesday November 22nd! Gretchen Wilson, Lee Ann Womack, Brooks & Dunn, LeAnn Rimes, and Sugarland will be presenting awards. Rascal Flatts, Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, and Kenny Chesney will be performing on the show. Country Nominations
Favorite Male Artist: Favorite New Artist (All Genres): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
avaible on line now at walmart.com MARTINA McBRIDE $9.72 everyday **** Amy's Kitchen **** ROAST TURKEY WITH GARLIC & ROSEMARY 1 whole turkey (10 to 12 pounds) 6 to 8 garlic cloves 2 large lemons, halved 2 teaspoons dried rosemary, crushed 1 teaspoon rubbed sage 1/2 stick melted butter DIRECTIONS: Cut six to eight small slits in turkey skin insert garlic between the skin and meat. Squeeze two lemon halves inside the turkey and leave them inside. Brush melted butter over outside turkey and inside slits. Squeeze remaining lemon over outside of turkey. Sprinkle with rosemary and sage. Place on a rack in a roasting pan. Bake, uncovered, at 325 degrees for 1 hour. Baste with pan juices. Cover and bake for 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours longer until a meat thermometer reads 185 degrees -- basting every half hour with pan juices. Yield: 8-10 servings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WW Pecan Pie Tarts 3 Points Would make a great substitute for pecan pie at Thanksgiving! Servings - 18 (2 tarts each) Points - 3 1 cup light brown sugar 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 1/2 cup egg substitute, liquid 2/3 cup diet margarine (do not melt) 4 ounces chopped pecans Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray mini-muffin tins with non-stick cooking spray. Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix well. Pour into mini-muffin pans, filling each cup 2/3 full. Bake 15 mins. Nutrition Info for 2 tarts:120 Cal., 8 g. fat, 0 g. fiber ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** WABASH VALLEY
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