Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

WEDNESDAY 
NOVEMBER 23,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

If y'all have any new jokes don't be afraid to send'em in,
cause it's getting very hard to find new ones. -Jb


Some of the reasons I'm Thankful

My Kids & Me
L- R Amy, Me, Jim, and Libby
This was taken in October at my birthday party,
my beard is almost twice as long now.
Great lookin kids!!!
Photo by granddaughter Shelby


About 2 1/2 hours old

My Two Angels
Granddaughter Allison and baby Skylee

One hour after birth

Welcome to the world Skylee Nevaeh Nicole Hopper

Wednesday Nov. 2, 2005  7:46 pm
5lb 4 oz  17 3/4 inches
And absolutely beautiful!
I think I need to build a family website.

~~~~~~~~~~

The True Spirit of Unselfishness...

At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or
mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard
dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a
relish to run the race to the finish and win.  All, that is, except
one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of
times, and began to cry.

The other eight heard the boy cry.  They slowed down and looked back.
Then
they all turned around and went back... every one of them.  One girl
with
Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, "This will make it
better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish
line.

Everyone in the stadium stood; the cheering went on for several
minutes.
People who were there are still telling the story.. Why?  Because
deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more
than winning for ourselves.

What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means
slowing
down and changing our course. If you pass this on, we may be able to
change our hearts as well as someone else's. "A candle loses nothing
by lighting another candle."
I think some of our "Professional athlete, Role models" should read this! -Jb 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Good Corn

There was a farmer who grew award-winning corn.  Each year he entered
his corn in the state fair where it won a blue ribbon.

One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learned something
interesting about how he grew it. The reporter discovered that the
farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.

"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors
when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" the
reporter asked.

"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know?  The wind picks up
pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field.  If
my neighbors grow inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily
degrade the quality of my corn.  If I am to grow good corn, I must
help my neighbors grow good corn." He is very much aware of the
connectedness of life.  His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's
corn also improves.

So it is in other dimensions.  Those who choose to be at peace must
help their neighbors to be at peace.  Those who choose to live well
must help others to live well, for the value of a life is measured by
the lives it touches.  And those who choose to be happy must help
others to find happiness, for the welfare of each is bound up with the
welfare of all.

The lesson for each of us is this: if we are to grow good corn, we
must help our neighbors grow good corn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man, checking out of his hotel, asked the clerk, "What's with that old Indian in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh, that's Chief Forgetmenot. This hotel was built on Indian lands and part of the agreement is to allow him free use of the premises for the rest of his life."

"But what's with that name, Forgetmenot?"

"He's called that because of his phenomenal memory. Even at age 92, he can remember every detail of his life." The man decided to test the chief's memory.

"Excuse me, Chief. Can you remember what you had for breakfast on your
21st birthday?"

"Eggs," replied the chief, without a moment's hesitation. The man was impressed. Years later, he happened into the same hotel and was surprised to see Chief Forgetmenot sitting in the same chair in the lobby. As he headed for the elevator, he passed the Chief and gave a friendly, "How!"

The Chief replied, "Scrambled."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ladies Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out"- both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home- they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them...luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it...so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home. The following day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"...

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU"!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The town of Clark, Texas has agreed to change its name to  
Dish, Texas after the dish network gave all its residence  
free dish satellite TV for the next ten years. This is the  
sort of thing that can backfire on a town - just ask the  
people of Betamax, Wyoming." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Saddam trial is underway and 11,000 lawyers for Saddam  
have withdrawn from the case in fears of being killed off.  
Now they??™re all working on the Tom Cruise prenup."  
 --Dave Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."  

"Would you spell that, please?"  

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea.  
E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."  

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a
Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warning Ladies !!!

Ladies be very aware!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on women who are past the age of giving
a running pursuit.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a red light, an
almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield. While he is doing this, another young,
handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists
the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with
her.

They are very good at this.
They got me three times Friday.
And five times Saturday.

I couldn't find them on Sunday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Man And A Horse

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was
deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly
died,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He
popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of
cars, so
all
he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he
cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the
hood.
"Who said that?" he called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the
fenced
field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse
repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it
again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the
key
and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks
to
the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large
whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you
say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because
that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Peaches~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Group Discount ?

Our minister, who is getting up there in age and is notorious in town
for his failing memory. was planning a wedding at the close of the
Sunday morning service.
-
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be
married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
-
At the last minute, for the life of him, he couldn't think of the names
of the couple who were to be married.
-
He decided to resolve his dilemma by announcing,
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" .
-
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IrishWarlock~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take this test to see which you  are.....
http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html
I am 71% Southern, don't know bout the rest
Thanks, NORM

**** Quickies ****
Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for any-
thing, but you still can't help but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  
If you get a  bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A.  Shoot him again.
~
Q.  Why do little boys whine?
A.  Because they're practicing to be men.
~
Q.  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.  One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.
~
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.
~
Q.  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A.  Trustworthy.
~
Q.  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A.  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
~
I've always been handy at fix-it jobs around the house and I've tried to train my children to follow suit.
Recently one of my sons asked his wife to hold the flashlight while he replaced a faulty electrical switch.

Only mildly interested, she asked him after a short pause, "How did you learn to do this stuff?"

"By holding the flashlight," he replied.
~
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son
on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also
get married.
"It was wonderful," she said later.  "It isn't every day
that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the
morning and have them clipped in the evening."
~

SUBSCRIBE TO:      
RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into
society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16
bills.
~
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
~
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use
of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in
their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others
fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his
head falling off a chair while watching the film.
~
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
city limits.
~
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.
~
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000
strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier
with the shredder.
~
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
~
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused
to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man
threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the
robber called the police and was arrested.
~
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To stupid to live
and not enough signs to go round

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 
You can join The Funnies
IT'S  FREE
To subscribe, Click on link below
25438-subscribe@zinester.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

Flu Do Si Do
 
Choose your partners, one and all
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!
Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold,
the next minute hot,  
Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;   
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.   
Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.   

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.
 Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
 By George, you've got the it,
 You're doing the Flu!
 
P.S.  Some like it cold, some like it hot;   
If you like neither,then get the shot.
~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~


**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Stress test important for diabetic women  

ST. LOUIS, -- St. Louis University School of Medicine  
scientists are recommending diabetic women undergo  
dobutamine echocardiography stress testing. The re-  
searchers studied 421 diabetic women between the ages  
of 49 and 75 and found the tests to be valuable in  
helping physicians predict life-threatening heart prob-  
lems. "Our research is extremely important because women  
in this age group are historically under diagnosed, and  
by detecting problems earlier, we can help prevent heart  
attack or death and extend these women's lives," said Dr.  
Melda Dolan, an associate professor of cardiology. Dobu-  
tamine stress echocardiography tests are ultrasound heart  
scans in which patients are injected with a drug that  
makes their heart beat faster to determine if they have  
heart wall abnormalities. No exercise is involved. "Women  
with diabetes and other clinical risk factors, such as  
smoking, obesity and a family history, are more likely to  
have heart disease or die from it," said Dolan. "Dobuta-  
mine stress echo tests serve an important role in predict-  
ing heart attacks or cardiac death in these higher-risk  
women." Dolan is to present two papers Wednesday during  
the annual American Heart Association meeting in Dallas.  
Both papers explore the role of the stress tests in  
detecting heart disease.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Heart failure patients at risk for stroke  

DALLAS, -- Mayo Clinic researchers say they've determined  
people with heart failure face are twice as likely to die  
from a stroke as the general population. Researchers stud-  
ied 630 patients with heart failure from 1979 through 1999.  
They found that during the 30 days following a heart fail-  
ure diagnosis, patients were at a 17-fold increased risk  
of stroke as compared with the general population, and the  
risk remained elevated during the five years of follow-up.  
"This research shows that preventing strokes has the poten-  
tial to improve survival among patients with heart failure,  
and that stroke prevention should be among our key prior-  
ities for patients newly diagnosed with heart failure,"  
said Dr. Veronique Roger, who led the study. The occurrence  
of a stroke among heart failure patients resulted in a  
large increase in the risk of subsequent death compared  
with heart failure patients who remained stroke free. Older  
people with a previous stroke or diabetes were more likely  
to experience a stroke, the research found. Nearly 5 mil-  
lion Americans are living with heart failure, and 550,000  
new cases are diagnosed annually. The study was presented  
Tuesday, during the American Heart Association's annual  
Scientific Sessions meeting in Dallas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Women less likely to get heart device  

DALLAS, -- Mayo Clinic researchers in Rochester, Minn., say  
women with heart failure are less likely than men to receive  
cardiac resynchronization therapy. Cardiac resynchronization  
therapy has been shown to enhance quality of life for people  
with heart failure; and women who receive CRT live longer  
than men who are given the therapy, according to research  
presented Tuesday during the American Heart Association's  
annual Scientific Sessions in Dallas. The cases of 373  
patients who underwent implantation of a CRT device at Mayo  
Clinic between 1999 and 2004 were reviewed to determine  
gender-specific referrals and evaluate how the patients --  
82 percent male -- fared with the therapy. Survival at five  
years for women -- 76 percent -- was much higher than that  
of the men, at 46 percent. "Our data highlight a potentially  
important gender bias, in that fewer women ... are being  
referred for cardiac resynchronization therapy compared with  
a similar group of males," said Dr. Grace Lin, lead author  
of the study. "It is another example in recent years of  
potential under-treatment of women with heart disease in  
this country. Whether such 'referral bias' is universal, how-  
ever, deserves further study."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 WATER OR COKE?

This is really an eye opener... Water or Coke? We all know that water
is
important but I've never seen it written down like this before.

WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is
often
mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as
3%.

4. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost
100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day
could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80! % of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,
trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer
screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon
cancer by
45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is
50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

And now for the properties of COKE:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two
gallons of
coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car
accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone
in two
days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl
and let
the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with
a
rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of
Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of
greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The
Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8.
It
will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syru! p (the concentrate) the commercial truck
must
use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive
materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines
of their trucks for about 20 year

**** Cool Links ****
Black friday
Black friday is the official start of the Christmas shopping season and
happens the day after Thanksgiving.... many stores plan great bargains
on that day to kick off their efforts to seperate you from as much of
your money as possible...

There are usually some great buys mixed into the items offered but they
make you wait till you get to the store to find out what they are...
right?

http://www.blackfriday.gottadeal.com/

**** ON THIS DAY ****

AM I IN THE RIGHT PLACE???, I Thought...


I shook my head in disbelief. This couldn't be the right place. After all, I couldn't possibly be welcome here.
I had been given an invitation several times, by several different people, and had finally decided to see what this place was all about. But, this just couldn't be the right place.Quickly, I glanced down at the invitation that clutched in my hand. I scanned past the words,
"Come as you are. No jacket required," and found the location.
Yes, I was at the right place. I peered through the window again and saw a room of people whose faces seemed to glow with joy. All were neatly dressed, adorned in fine garments and appeared strangely clean as they dined at this exquisite restaurant.
Ashamed, I looked down at my own tattered and torn clothing, covered in stains. I was dirty, in fact, filthy. A foul smell seemed to consume me and I couldn't shake the grime that clung to my body. As I turned around to leave, the words from the invitation seemed to leap out at me,     "Come as you are. No jacket required."
I decided to give it a shot. Mustering up every bit of courage I could find, I opened the door to this restaurant and walked up to a man standing behind a podium.
"Your name, sir?" he asked me with a smile. I mumbled without looking up. I thrust my hands deep into my pockets, hoping to conceal their stains.
He didn't seem to notice the filth that I was covered in and he continued,
"Very good, sir. A table is reserved in your name. Would you like to be seated?"
I couldn't believe what I heard! A grin broke out on my face and I said, "Yes, of course!" He lead me to a table and, sure enough, there was a placard with my name written on it in a deep, dark red.
As I browsed over a menu, I saw many delightful items listed. There were things like, "peace," "joy," "blessings," "confidence," "assurance," "hope," "love," "faith," and "mercy." I realized that this was no ordinary restaurant! I flipped the menu back to the front in order to see where I was at. "God's Grace," was the name of this place!
The man returned and said,  "I recommend the 'Special of the Day'." With it, you are entitled to heaping portions of everything on this menu."
You've got to be kidding! I thought to myself. You mean, I can have ALL of this!
"What is the 'Special of the Day,' I asked with excitement ringing in my voice.
"Salvation," was his reply. "I'll take it," I practically cried out. Then, as quickly as I made that statement, the joy left my body. A sick, painful ache jerked through my stomach and tears filled my eyes. Between my sobs I said, "Mister, look at me. I'm dirty and nasty. I'm unclean and unworthy of such things. I'd love to have all of this, but, I Just can't afford it."
Undaunted, the man smiled again. "Sir, your check has already been taken care of by that Gentleman over there," he said pointing to the front of the room.
"His Name is Jesus."
Turning, I saw a man whose very presence seemed to light the room. He was almost too much to look at.
I found myself walking towards Him and in shaking voice I whispered, "Sir, I'll wash the dishes or sweep the floors or take out the trash. I'll do anything I can do to repay you for all of this."
He opened His arms and said with a smile,

"Son, all of this is yours if you just come unto Me. Ask Me to clean you up and I will.  Ask Me to take away the stains and it is done.  Ask Me to allow you to feast at My table and you will eat. Remember, the table is reserved in your name. All you must do is accept this gift that I offer you." "Please, Jesus. Please clean up my life.
Please change me and seat me at Your table and give me this new life." Immediately, I heard the words,  "It is finished."
I looked down and white robes adorned my squeaky clean body. Something strange and wonderful had happened. I felt new, like a weight had been lifted, and I found myself seated at His table.
"The 'Special of the Day' has been served, " the Lord said to me. "Salvation is yours."
We sat and talked for a great while and I so enjoyed the time that I spent with Him.
He told me, me of all people, that He would like me to come back as often as I liked for another helping from God's Grace.
He made it clear that He wanted me to spend as much time with Him as possible.
As it drew near time for me to go back outside into the "real world," He whispered to me softly, "And Daniel, I am with you always."
And then, He said something to me that I will never forget. He said,
"My child, Do you see these empty tables through out this room?"
"Yes, Lord. I see them. What do they mean?" I replied.
"These are reserved tables. but the individuals whose names are on each placards have not accepted their invitations to dine. Would you be so kind as to hand out these invitations to those who have not joined us yet?"
Jesus asked.
"Of course," I said with excitement as I picked up the invitations.
"Go ye therefore into all nations,"
He said as I turned to leave.
I walked into God's Grace dirty and hungry.
Stained in sin. My righteousness as filthy rags. And Jesus cleaned me up.
I walked out a brand new man . . . robed in white, His righteousness.
I'll keep my promise to my Lord. I'll go. I'll spread the Word. I'll share the Gospel . . .
I'll hand out the invitations. And I'll start with you.
Have you been to "God's Grace"?
There's a table reserved in your name, and here's your invitation .

Matthew 11:28  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Crock Pot Sloppy Joes

3 pounds Ground beef
2 tablespoons Shortening
1 cup Onion; chopped
1 cup Celery; diced
1 Green pepper; chopped
1 Garlic clove; minced
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 cup Catsup
3 Beef bouillon cubes; crushed
1/2 teaspoon Paprika
1/4 teaspoon Pepper
1 can Tomato paste; 6 0z.
1 1/4 cups Water
3 tablespoons Vinegar
3 teaspoons Brown sugar
1 teaspoon Dry mustard

Heat shortening in skillet and brown meat, discard fat. Spray liner with Pam. Combine all ingredients in removable liner, stirring well. Place liner in base. Cover and cook on low 6-8 hours; or high 3-4 hours; or auto 5 hours. Serve over warmed burger buns or noodles.
Watch cooking times.New crockpots cook quicker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crock Pot Potato Soup

6 Potatoes
>cut into pieces
2 Onions; chopped
3 Carrots; diced
2 Stalks celery; chopped
4 Chicken bouillon cubes
1 tablespoon Parsley flakes
1 tablespoon Salt
Pepper; to taste
1/3 cup Butter
13 ounces Evaporated milk

Combine the above and cook on low 10-12 hours or high 3-4 hours. During the last hour add 1 13oz can evaporated milk and chives. Serve with fresh grated parmesean cheese sprinkled over the top.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apple Spice Custard Cake

1(18.25 or 18.5 Spice cake mix
2 medium apples, peeled and chopped
1 (14 oz. can eagle or any sweetened condensed milk) -NOT Evaporated milk
1 (8 oz/ container sour cream
1/4 lemon juice\Ground cinnamon -optional

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare cake mix according to package directions. Stir in apples, pour batter into well greased and floured 13x9 baking pan. Bake 30-35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. In large bowl combine Eagle brand milk and sour cream ,mix well. Stir in lemon juice. Remove cake from oven ;spread sour cream mixture evenly over hot cake. RETURN to oven bake 5 minutes or until set. Sprinkle cinnamon (optional). Cool, chill. Store leftovers covered in refridgerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Children Safety Alert

   On our local news tonight, they announced that the 'soft side, insulated, zippered lunchboxes' of such popularity, contain from TWO to NINETY TIMES the safe levels of lead!!!  It is advised that they be thrown away immediately.
IMHO.....the manufacturers should be sued in a huge class action suit for using lead in something made FOR children!!!
This information can be found on the Snopes site as TRUE.

HOLIDAY HELP LINES
For All The Rookies


Many big food companies have hotlines staffed with experienced Home
Economists for instant, personalized help during the holidays. Print out
this list and tape it inside your pantry door for quick reference.

Butterball Turkey Talk-Line: 1-800-BUTTERBALL
The Turkey Talk-Line from the folks at Butterball is a great place for
answers to turkey questions. The line is open Monday through Friday from
8 AM to 6 PM CST from now until December 21. And the best part of all:
it's open Thanksgiving day, starting at 6 AM CST!! TDD line:
1-800-TDD-3848. Bilingual help is available.

Honeysuckle White Help Line: 1-800-810-6325
This line offers pre-recorded answers to lots of your turkey preparation
questions.

Perdue Farms: 1-800-473-7383
Find out about roasting, carving, stuffing, gravy and turkey leftovers.

USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline: 1-800-535-4555
If you have questions about food safety, including storage, handling and
preparation of the Thanksgiving turkey, call the USDA hotline weekdays
from 9 AM to 3 PM CST. TDD line: 1-800-256-7072

Reynolds Turkey Line: 1-800-745-4000
This hotline is open 24 hours a day. Call to get the best tips about
cooking using Reynolds products.

Fleischmann's Yeast Baker's Help Line: 1-800-777-4959
This helpline, for all your questions about breads and rolls, is open
Monday - Friday from 9 AM - 7 PM, all year long.

Land O' Lakes Holiday Bake Line: 1-800-782-9606
Any and all baking questions are answered from 8 AM to 7 PM CST at Land
O'Lakes from now until Christmas Eve.

Hershey's Consumer Hot Line:  1-800-468-1714
Let the folks at Hershey's walk you through every chocolate question
you've ever had. Ask for recipes too! This line is open Monday - Friday
from 9 AM to 4 PM EST, all year round.

Betty Crocker Hotline: 1-888-ASK-BETTY or 1-888-275-2388,
This phone line is open Monday - Friday from 7:30 AM to 5:30 PM CST,
year round. Get information on everything from baking perfect cookies to
delicious gravy.

Libby Consumer Hot Line: 1-800-854-0374
Stressed about your pumpkin pie? Get tips and advice, plus recipes using
canned pumpkin. The line is open Monday - Friday from 8 AM - 8 PM EST,
all year round.

Ocean Spray Consumer Help Line: 1-800-662-3263
Learn everything you ever wanted to know about cranberries, including
ideas for using leftover canned cranberry sauce. The hotline is open
Monday - Friday from 9 AM - 4 PM EST, all year round. And it's open on
Thanksgiving!


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
A fast moving system will "clip" by north of us Wednesday and this will
cause our winds to turn and come from the south Tuesday night. As the
warmer air moves in, some showers may develop by early on Wednesday. As
some colder air will be in place at first, this may allow some of the
precipitation to start as some light snow / rain mix. This will not be a
big problem for this area and southerly winds will be gusty on Wednesday
warming us into the upper 40`s to near 50 so any precipitation would
change to rain. A strong cold front will follow the system by later
Wednesday night and early Thanksgiving. That front will bring much
colder air and temperatures will probably fall some on Thursday after a
high early on in the mid 30`s. Wind chills could be in the teens by
afternoon. It stays cold on Friday with highs only in the low 30`s. It
will warm up nicely by Sunday with highs back into the mid 40`s. Another
storm system will move in later on Monday - Tuesday brining rain as
temperatures will stay in the upper 40`s.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
Check out my winter outlook at:
http://www.wtwo.com/weather/winter_outlook_05-06/

Wednesday
Few Showesr Possible, Breezy and Warmer
High 50

Wednesday Night
Mostly Cloudy
Low 30

Thanksgiving
Breezy and Colder
High 34 (falling in afternoon)

Friday
Mostly Cloudy
High 33
Low 20

Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 39
Low 25

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 47
Low 25

Monday
Late Rain Showers
High 48
Low 32

Tuesday
Rain Showers
High 48
Low 35


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
I hope y'all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving

LAST CALL Y'ALL
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson are killed in a car crash and go up to the pearly gates. Naturally, the line is enormous! Wilson is trying to see up to the front to see what's going on. Here's what he sees: St. Peter checking in new applicants.
"So, Mr. Ray! We've been watching you down on earth. You really loved your money, didn't you?! You were always counting it, hoarding it, never gave alms to the poor, never donated to any charities...why, you were such a cheapskate, you loved your money SO MUCH you even married a woman named PENNY!" And Mr. Ray is instantly dispatched to Hell.

(Wilson turns to his wife and whispers, "Boy, is he being strict!")

Next applicant up, St. Peter takes one look and says, "Ah! Mr. Cross. We've been watching you down on earth! You really loved your liquor, didn't you? Always drunk on the job, until you lost your job because you drank too much...spent every penny you had on booze...heck, you're HERE 'cause you were a drunk driver...why, you loved your booze SO MUCH you even married a woman named SHERRY!" And St. Peter dismissed Mr. Cross.

At this point our hero Wilson turns to his wife and says, "Let's get out of here now, Fanny. We're wasting our time in this line!"

That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.  
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web