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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

English Lesson
A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he
has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he
never taught them was how to speak English, so he
takes the chief for a
walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
a tree." The chief
looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest
pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and he points to a rock
and says, "This is a
rock. " Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
"Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the
results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top,
he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The
Priest is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the
couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief
that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to
each other, so how could
he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
~~~~~~~~~~Peaches~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following is a quote from a director of sports infor-  
mation in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots  
from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:  

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through  
two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was  
an unlocked gate."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my favorite old jokes
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died  
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to  
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife  
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into  
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use  
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to  
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it  
needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.  

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.  

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.  

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mir-  
ror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should  
have been a bit clearer with my directions... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys were joining the Army. One was an Italian,
one was an Irishman, and one was Polish.
They are standing in line to get their issued clothes and underwear.
They reach the guy who is handing out the underwear and he asks the
Italian guy, "How many pair of underwear do you want?"
The Italian guy answers, "I'll have 7 pair...one for each day of the week."
So the guy gives him his 7 pair and he moves on.
Next comes the Irishman and he asks, "How many pair of underwear do you want?"
The Irishman answers, " I'll have 6 pair...one for each day of the week, and
I'll wear the same ones on Sunday, that I wore on Saturday."
So the guy says ok and hands him his 6 pair and moves on.
Last comes the Polish guy and he asks, " Alright, how many pair of underwear do you want?"
The Polish guys answers, " I'll take 12 pair."
This surprises the guy and he shouts, "12 pair!
What the heck do you need 12 pair of underwear for?"
The Polish guy says, "Yes, 12 pair. One for each month of the year!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both
of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you
CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the
bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender
saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives him a tall
ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo too." The
bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and
says "Hey! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man
next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it is water. Right
Lou?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard when all of a
sudden, he hears some music playing.
No one is around, so he starts investigating for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave
with a headstone that reads:
 ~Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827~
It's only then that he realizes that the music paying is his Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward !
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time, it is the Seventh Symphony, but... like the previous
piece, it too is being played backward.Curious, the men agree to consult a
music scholar.  When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert makes note that the symphonies are being played in
the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then
the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and
 a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are 'all' listening to the Second Symphony, also being played
backward. It's only then, that the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to
the group.  Someone in the crowd asks him, if... he has an explanation for the
music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about"
...says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love
with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating
a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?"
he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you
tell her you're 90."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
a parishioner asked the priest, after Mass.
"Definitely not," was the priest's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning
that $100 bill I put in the collection plate?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't mess with women...
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. " I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps
looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph. The
husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he
continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The
wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have
you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns
to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever witches. Don't mess with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process.
First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire
county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer
assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are
placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12
if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the
same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he
had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate,
you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was
in a jar in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, "Do you want
the bad news first or the terrible news?" "Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?"
asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny
said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays.
"It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day
not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was
eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot,
still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening, Milton shows his wife their latest telephone
bill. "Rose, you just have to cut down on your calls.
This bill is for over $300 and that's a very high cost
for just 1 month."
"You're right, darling," Rose says, "I promise to do my
best to curtail my calls."
"Thanks," says Milton. Milton starts to monitor the calls
on a daily basis and is pleased to see that Rose is keeping
to her promise. But then gradually, as he thought would
happen, he sees the daily elapsed time start to increase
again. Then one evening, as Rose dials a number and makes
another call, Milton decides to discuss the situation with
her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be.
Fifteen minutes later, Rose puts down the phone.
"What a surprise," says Milton sarcastically, "how come
such a short call?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number, darling." she says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give
a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful
influence she has had on my life," he told
the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood,
and I love her more than words could ever do justice."
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a
pause, looking up with a sly grin he said, "It's
really hard to read my mom's handwriting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass,
the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot
eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to National Insurance Crime Bureau, the Honda Civic is the most stolen vehicle in America.  Do you know who is stealing them?  SUV owners. - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having a bad day?
    In  a  hospital's  Intensive  Care  Unit,  patients  always  died  in  the  same  bed,  on  Sunday  morning,  at  about  11:00  am.,  regardless  of  their  medical  condition.
This  puzzled  the  doctors  and  some  even  thought  it  had  something  to  do  with  the  supernatural.   No  one  could  solve  the  mystery  as  to  why  the  deaths  occurred  around  11:00  a.m.  on  Sunday,  so  a  worldwide  team  of  experts  was  assembled  to  investigate  the  cause  of  the  incidents.
The  next  Sunday  morning,  a  few  minutes  before  11:00  a.m.,  all  of  the  doctors  and  nurses  nervously  waited  outside  the  ward  to  see  for  themselves  what  the  terrible  phenomenon  was  all  about.   Some  were  holding  wooden  crosses,  prayer  books,  and  other  holy  objects  to  ward  off  the  evil  spirits.
Just  when  the  clock  struck  11:00,  Pookie  Johnson,  the  part-time  Sunday  sweeper,  entered  the  ward  and  unplugged  the  life  support  system  so  he  could  use  the  vacuum  cleaner.
Having  a  Bad  Day????

The  average  cost  of  rehabilitating  a  seal  after  the  Exxon  Valdez  Oil  spill  in  Alaska  was  $80,000.00.   At  a  special  ceremony,  two  of  the  most  expensively  saved  animals  were being  released  back  into  the  wild  amid  cheers  and  applause  from  onlookers.  A  minute  later,  in  full  view,  a  killer  whale  ate  them  both.
Still  think  you  are  having  a  Bad  Day????

A  woman  came  home  to  find  her  husband  in  the  kitchen  shaking  frantically,  almost  in  a  dancing  frenzy,  with  some  kind  of  wire  running  from  his  waist  towards  the  electric  kettle.   Intending  to  jolt  him  away  from  the  deadly  current,  she  whacked  him  with  a  handy  plank  of  wood,  breaking  his  arm  in  two  places.   Up  to  that  moment,  he  had  been  happily  listening  to  his  Walkman.
STILL  think  you're  having  a  Bad  Day????

Two  animal  rights  defenders  were  protesting  the  cruelty  of  sending  pigs  to  a  slaughterhouse  in  Bonn,  Germany.   Suddenly,  all  two  thousand  pigs  broke  loose  and  escaped  through  a  broken  fence,  stampeding  madly.
  The  two  helpless  protesters  were  trampled  to  death.
What??  STILL  having  a  Bad  Day????

Iraqi  terrorist  Khay  Rahnajet  didn't  pay  enough  postage  on  a  letter  bomb.   It  came  back  with  "Return  to  Sender"  stamped  on  it.   Forgetting  it  was  the  bomb,  he  opened  it  and  was  blown  to  bits.
There  now,  feeling Better ????

**** Cool Links ****

THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
MARY JONES NEW WEB PAGE
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/BEARARMS.HTML
<a href="http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/BEARARMS.HTML"> CLICK HERE </a>

**** ON THIS DAY ****

RECIEVED THIS FROM BOTH NORM & BaBs

Verified on snopes.com Did you know that 47 countries have reestablished their embassies in Iraq? Did you know that the Iraqi  government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people? Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under rehabilitation, 263 schools are now under construction and 38 new schools have been built in Iraq? Did you know that Iraq's higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all currently operating? Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program? Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?!  They have 5- 100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment. Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons, which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers? Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion? Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and equipped police officers? Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over 3500 new officers each 8 weeks? Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq? They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities. Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations? Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October? Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and phone use has gone up 158%? Did you know that Iraq has an  independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations? Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004? Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a televised debate recently? OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW! WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW? OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US! Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing  snowballs at the presidential motorcades. The lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes. It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States thus minimizing consequent support, and it is intended to discourage American citizens.        ---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site. .......Pass it on!

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
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