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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his
future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents
and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they
pressed on. 'What would you like to take when you attend college?'
they asked the little boy. After giving it some thought and glancing
around the kitchen, he replied, 'The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bum approaches a man passing by for money.
Man: "Are you going to use it to buy booze?"
Bum: "No."
Man: "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"
Bum: "No, sir."
Man: "Are you going to gamble it away?"
Bum: "Why, no!"
Man: "Then will you come home with me and show my wife what happens
to a man who doesn??™t drink, smoke, or gamble?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FUNNY POEM TODAY ABOUT THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS  

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn??™t sleep  
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.  

The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white,  
but I fought the temptation with all my might.  

Tossing and turning with anticipation,  
the thought of a snack became infatuation.  

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door  
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.  

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,  
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.  

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,  
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.  

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky  
With a mouthful of pudding and handful of pie.  

But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...  
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Old Bubba

Letter from Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately ...... I will no
longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Alabama, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
 
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace.
3. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
4. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"
5. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day there was an article in the paper about a scientist that had
developed a machine that could adjust a persons IQ. Unfortunately it
could
only lower it. As Bill was reading the article he thought that might be
the
solution to his problem. Bill was extremely smart - the most intelligent
person on earth - which made it almost impossible for him to carry on a
conversation with anyone. Everyone was too dumb for Bill. So he
contacted
the scientist and explained his problem. The scientist said that he
thought
that he might be able to help him.

The scientist explained that he would gradually reduce Bill's
intelligence
until Bill was satisfied that it was at the right level. The scientist
said
that he would watch the "Intelligence Dial" very closely and lower
Bill's
intelligence 10% at a time. As the machine took Bill's intelligence
lower,
the scientist would stop and talk to Bill until Bill was satisfied.

The scientist had Bill sit in the special chair. Many electrodes were
attached to Bills head. The scientist took Bill's intelligence down
until
the dial showed it had been lowered 10% and stopped. After Bill talked
to
him a while, Bill said that he was still too smart. The machine was
started
up again. After another 10% intelligence reduction, the machine was
stopped.
After talking with the scientist, Bill said that he was still too smart.

This procedure went on several more times. The last time the scientist
turned on the machine, smoke and sparks started coming out of it. The
scientist could not get the machine to shut off. The "Intelligence Dial"
swung all the way to zero before the scientist could pull the plug on
the
machine. The scientist was frantic.

As he pulled the electrodes off of Bill's head he said, "Are you all
right?"

Bill replied, "10-4 good buddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Life's More Pressing Questions . . .

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "upover"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep
it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for an ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak
he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them
decided to head down and see if was really as large and
delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After
looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily,
for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out
some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the
waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a
BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends
invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the
meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were
sitting by the window."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to blame if something
goes wrong in the house. 
 
One father explained to a friend how he solved the problem:  "I send all
three to bed without letting them watch television.  In the morning I go
after the one with the black eye!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our church was planning a chili supper for the homeless, and my wife,
Florence, agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather mild variation.
The man in charge of organizing the program asked Florence how she would
describe her chili -- three alarm or four alarm.
After hearing some of the ingredients that went into other chili
donations, my wife replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman
ask for window seats for her and her husband. The
clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from
sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days
of quality time in a compact rental car with this man.
I know what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his
problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and
their anniversary. He opened an account with a
florist, provided that florist with the dates and
instructions to send flowers to his wife on these
dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your
loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention
and all went well until one day, many bouquets later,
when he came home, kissed his wife and said
off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get
them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary:  I hate to hear a man talk about his wife's
expectancy by saying, "We're pregnant."

Jill:  Oh, I do too!

Mary:  The day I see a man pass a 8-pound kidney
stone, he can say, "We're pregnant."

**** Quickies ****
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the
river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
~
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-
well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
~
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job
description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed
a search committee to find somebody capable of filling
the position.
~
Good News: You finally found a choir director who
approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
~
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong
Show", "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw
Massacre."
~
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a
game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
~
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more
church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of
your parsonage.
~
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last
3 weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
~
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy
Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
~
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your
denomination.
~
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house
for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are
armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to
"decorate" your house.
~
ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a new
channel.

It will make it easier for you to follow the careers
of all your favorite athletes.

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**** Cool Links ****
Christmas In The Forest
http://d21c.com/leprofesseur/xmas/Forest.html



**** ON THIS DAY ****
The Bell Ringers
  Bill Walker
  wildbill6807@yahoo.com
  
  The Bell Ringers, the people of the Salvation Army who stand here
and
there ringing the bells in the months of Thanksgiving and Christmas..
The
little kettles of red for your coins and bills of the relm to be
dropped in.
  
  I see these at different stores and on the streets.  I take note of
the
location of such.  I also take note some stores do not allow said
people
on or near their door. I read and hear where some stores turn away
other
people who set up drop off points for toys for needy children. This
really stumps me as to the thinking of some small minded people.
  
  I notice Wal-Mart does not allow the ringers inside the outer
door.  I
have thought about this, and wonder what is the problem?  What harm
would
it be to let them set up the kettles just inside that door?   It is
cold
outside, wet at times, snow at times, also windy at times.
  
  Then it came to me of days before the Super Discounts stores.  Where
did the Bell Ringers set up shop?  On the streets, the sidewalks of
town.
In front of stores like Wards, Sears, Penny's.  Not inside, but on the
sidewalks.  That too was cold, wet, snow, windy.
  
  I have been thinking of the battle cries both ways, and if one
spends a
small amount of thought, might come up with reasons. One might be
insurance people might have said, "what if some silly accident
happened,
we are stuck."  People has become sue happy, will sue over anything.
Remember the old gal that sued because MacDonald forgot to tell her
the
coffee was steaming hot?  She bought a paper cup of hot coffee, didn't
like cold coffee.  This cup was a couple degrees hot hot.
  
  Now I hear and read about Target stores has a thing that says no
bell
Ringers at all.  Also no Toys for Tots boxes. Again maybe the company
got
told the boxes might be a problem.  But I can't buy that line myself.
Ever notice the junk setting around for people to trip over?  Junk
that
cost a few coins to play.  Then there is a small chance that some soft
hearted Liberal will stop at the toy department and buy a toy to put
in
the box. So the store made a sale that wouldn't have happened if the
box
wasn't there. 
  
  Now there is another beef about what we say and do at Christmas
time.
I have gave this also a small amount of thought.  I have thought about
the words, "put Christ back in Christmas."  I thought that was a right
good idea. I am like a lawyer I read about.  He said he could take
either
side in a word battle, as he could  take the case both ways.
  
  I think we should put Christ back into Christmas. But then I got to
thinking.  We in trouble here, Bill is thinking.   What about the
little
Jewish boy, the little Jewish girl?  You know there is some of those,
and
they too have a holiday about the same time..  Same about Easter 
time. 
  
  Now I feel like we have a real mixed bag here.  Damn if you do,
damn if
you don't.  This is a fine base line we walk.  Step on it or cross it
and
you find people jumping on the case. Sure can't make every one happy
all
the time.
  
  But I have a new thought. Again we in deep trouble, Bill got a
thought.
Lets forget this thing called Christmas. People would spend less
money,
stores and companies fold up, and the fuss would be over.
  
  There is another thing to think about.  We have no real clue when
Christmas should be.  The church people took  the 25th of December for
one reason. It was taken from a pagan idea.  So they just took up with
it.  Lets move Christmas to say in the early fall, how about late
spring?
There is really only one Church Holiday we are sure of.  Easter! 

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
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It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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