Accident Statements ??“ Sent in by Vette

Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.

Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.

Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital
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To Women Everywhere From a Man That's Had Enough
(Swiped from my buddy Martin the Postman)

If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sent in by Patricia??¦

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee
to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you
at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous
New Year?

Your Humble Client 
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When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked,
"How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I
reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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In the lumber store one day, my friend, a building contractor, was fussing and complaining about some problem. An elderly gentleman who had been standing nearby tapped him on the shoulder, took a tape measure from his pocket and pulled the tape out to 74 inches. "This is how long a man lives on average," he said. "Can you show me where you are on the scale?" Somewhat reluctantly my friend pointed to 50.

"You've already used up more than you have left," said the man. "I suggest you go fishing."
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Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard. I see
you've already ejected."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod
your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
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Lyndon Johnson claimed the most popular preacher in Texas always started his Sundays with a small prayer:

Lord, fill my mouth

With worthwhile stuff,

And nudge me when

I've said enough.