Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

           The computer swallowed grandma.
           Yes, honestly it's true.
           She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
           And disappeared from view.

           It devoured her completely,
           The thought just makes me squirm.
           She must have caught a virus
           Or been eaten by a worm.

           I've searched through the recycle bin
           And files of every kind;
           I've even used the internet,
           But nothing did I find.

           In desperation, I asked Jeeves
           My searches to refine.
           The reply from him was negative,
           Not a thing was found 'online'.

           So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
           My Grandma you should see,
           Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
           And send her back to me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martin's home security system|
Being a poor man, I devised a inexpensive
and effective home security system. Here is how to set it up.
Hope it works for you as well as it does for us:)

1.Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ??“
a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine.
2.Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
3.Leave a note on your front door that says something like:
"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ?? hr.
4.Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been de-wormed."

It should do the trick solving any problems you might have with prowlers:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why?
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn
interest.
Son: Why?
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in
your account...and you would never have to work again.
Son: I'm not working now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
"What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,
"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to
be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said,
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God
"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and
coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and
they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled,
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a
fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided he
needed a woman to keep him company.

So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit
over 20 million dollars."

The woman listened intently and went home with Robert that night.

And four days later.... she became his stepmother.

Some men never learn...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go
around
the world,
granting people their fondest wishes.

First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He
said to the man,
"I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."

The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you
ever saw, but I
don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he
is!
Why should HE
have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a
house
even bigger
than Nigel's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The
Englishman was
delighted.

Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie
asked the
Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has
the most
beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not
fair!
Why should
HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even
more
beautiful
than Pierre's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The
Frenchman was
delighted.

Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The
genie asked him
what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has
the most
beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's
not
fair! I'm just
as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I
want you to give
me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The
American
was
delighted.

Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man.
He
asked the man
what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high-
paying job with
the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's
not
fair! I'm as
good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want
you
to give me a
job even better than Kenji's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.

Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking
Arab.
He asked the
Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd, "My cousin Abdul has
the most
beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at
all.
It's not
fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats
and not me?"

The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"

The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of
Abdul's goats!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I DIDN'T EITHER
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken
to the hospital

While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. God, she asked if this was it. God said,
"No you have another 33 years, 2 months, and 8 days
to live

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast
augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone
come in and change her hair colour, figuring since she
had so much more time to live, she might as well make
the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation
and while crossing the street was killed by an
ambulance speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 33 Years?"

God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognise you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
------- Lizard Man Marks His Territory In Cyberspace -------

ALBANY, NY - The Lizard Man has been tipping the scales of
New York, and now he is trying to do the same on the internet.
Erik Sprague has decided to turn himself into a reptile after
being inspired by The Lizard from the Spider-man comics. He
has already had had his tongue surgically forked, fingernails
shaped like claws, scales tattooed over his body and horned
ridges implanted on to his skull. The 28-year-old estimates
he has had over 400 hours of tattooing done already and has
another 200 to go to complete the change. Sprague told re-
porters that he would like to get himself a tail if he could
have one with real tissue "but the only one I can get is a
prosthetic one." He even has a website dedicated to himself
at www.thelizardman.com.

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Flatulent Officer Busted for Breaking Code of Silence

LONDON - A British Officer is getting charged with assault
with a "deadly" weapon after allegedly breaking wind during
a drug raid and failing to apologize. A Scotland Yard spokes-
man confirmed that the Department of Professional Standards
was investigating a charge that an officer broke wind in the
complainants' hallway during a drug raid but did not apolo-
gize to the homeowners. The homeowners complained because they
felt that the officers actions were "rude and unprofessional."
Police did not confirm what discipline the officer might re-
ceive if found guilty of breaking wind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HISTORY OF SPAM
Perhaps one of life's most mysterious foods is SPAM. Here are
some interesting facts that you may not have known about the
"other" other white meat.

Spam stands for Shoulder, Pork and hAM.

It was launched by the Geo. A. Hormel Company of Austin,
Minnesota, in 1937 and became a great favorite of military
cooks during WWII because it contained protein, was easy
to digest and convenient.

A six-year-old Dorset boy became addicted to Spam and ate
his way through six tins of the stuff every week for three
years. He had to be sent to a child psychiatrist to get him
back on a normal diet.

Over four billion cans of Spam have been sold worldwide.

The Hormel Plant at Austin contains an oven that cooks 450
cans of Spam a minute.

Spam came to Britain as part of the Lend Lease Act whereby
food given to the U.K. would be paid for when the war was
over. Often the only meat available, it became indispensable
until rationing ended in 1954.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------- Is Your Life Worth a Doughnut? --------------

HOUSTON, Texas - An ambulance driver caused alarm when he
stopped for doughnuts en route to the hospital with a pat-
ient in his vehicle. This event, couple with several other
similar incidences, prompted the Texas Health Department to
begin an official investigation last February into the Hous-
ton Fire Department. The Department was put on a one-year
probation and told they had to hire someone to oversee cert-
ification or pay a $33,000 fine. This penalty did not serve
the intended purpose, however, because the Fire Department
was in trouble again the following month when an ambulance
driver transported former Mayor Bob Lanier to the hospital
in an unlicensed vehicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------- Prisoners Freed Because of False Fax -----------

AJACCIO, France - Prison officials quickly complied when they
received a fax from the magistrate instructing them to free
three French prisoners. The prisoners were investigated for
illegal possession of firearms and attempted extortion, and
the fax demanding their release turned out to be fake. The
prison officials, however, did not doubt the document because
it was written on official stationery, so they neglected to
check the originating fax number or follow-up with the judge
for confirmation. The prisoners' supposed "release" is now a
successful escape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--------- Man Survives Deep Plunge into Tampa Bay ---------

PINELLAS COUNTY, Florida - An identified man has become the
sixth person to have survived a suicide attempt off of the
Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay. After a 200 foot decline into
the bay, the man reportedly hit the water with such an impact
that his clothing was ripped off. Witnesses say that after
his jump he was able to swim about 40 yards to nearby rocks.
He told rescuers: "I'm hurt bad!" A member of a St. Peters-
burg fire department told reporters that it's a miracle he
survived the jump. Statistics show that the structure is the
third-deadliest bridge for suicides in the country, following
The Golden Gate Bridge and San Diego's Coronado Bridge re-
spectively.


**** HEALTH NEWS ****
   'PURPLE BERRIES' HIGH IN ANTIOXIDANTS

U.S. government scientists say purple berries, such as black
currant, are up to 50 percent higher in antioxidants than
other varieties. The dark-skinned group, which also includes
elderberry and chokeberry, is thus thought to have greater
potential to provide more health benefits, such as protection
against cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer's, than even
blueberries and cranberries, say scientists from the U.S.
Department of Agriculture. The berries soon will be used as
part of a growing number of specialty health foods, drinks
and nutraceuticals, they say in the Journal of Agricultural
and Food Chemistry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WAYS TO KEEP CHILDREN SAFE

Parents need to view candles, fireplaces and trees as
potential hazards to children during the holidays, U.S.
researchers report. Dr. Kate Perkins of Cedars-Sinai
Medical Center offers these safety tips: keep lit candles
out of reach of youngsters; be careful of glass ornaments
that can break and cut fingers or be ingested; never leave
children alone in a room with a burning fire; surround the
fireplace with a sturdy screen; keep the Christmas tree
stable and well hydrated to reduce fire danger; let your
host know ahead of time of your child's allergies; be wary
of hard candies, nuts, veggie sticks, hot dogs and other
treats that present choking risks; make sure the home
you're visiting is child-proofed before letting your child
roam; keep a list of emergency numbers for the sitter;
watch your child closely at crowded malls and shopping
centers; keep all pool gates shut; give age-appropriate
toys and gifts; and, keep potential toxic products --
cleaning agents, cosmetics, plants, pain relief medica-
tions, cold medications -- under lock and key.

REASONS FOR FEELING BLUE POSTPARTUM

Canadian researchers list recent immigration, lack of
partner support and hypertension as risk factors for feel-
ing depressed after giving birth. University of Toronto
nursing Professor Cindy-Lee Dennis and colleagues at the
University of British Columbia have developed a model that
predicts which mothers are at high risk of developing
depressive symptoms in the early postpartum period. Their
study, published in the Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavia,
looked at nearly 600 mothers. Early detection is important
because low mood shortly after delivery can lead to post-
partum depression, Dennis says. "The next step is to develop
accessible and effective preventive and treatment plans for
these women," she says.

**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
A cloudy and cold night for Friday night. On Saturday we will see some
light snow / rain developing as the day wears on. There may be a short
period of some freezing rain as it starts. By Saturday night, colder air
will change the precipitation over to areas of snow. That will taper off
by Sunday morning. There could be some small accumulations but most
areas should stay below 2" total. The rest of Sunday will be cloudy and
cold. Another storm develops south of us and right now, it looks like
most of the snow from this will stay south of this area but will need to
be watched. If we see some snow from this, it would be on Monday. A weak
clipper system could bring some light snow or flurries on Tuesday. All
of next week will be much colder than normal with temperatures running
10 15 degrees below normal.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
The coldest temperature ever recorded in this area in December was -22
on December 22nd, 1989.

Friday Night
Cloudy and Cold
Low 22

Saturday
Lt. Snow / Rain Developing
High 37

Saturday Night
Light Snow, Some Accumulation

Sunday
Early Lt. Snow, Then Cloudy
High 35
Low 25

Monday
Light Snow Possible
High 28
Low 22

Tuesday
Light Snow Possible
High 30
Low 15

Wednesday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 33
Low 17

Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 35
Low 18

Friday
Partly Sunny
High 34
Low 18

TOON TIME
Computer Help
http://buffalosjokes.com/1158.htm

G'Night
http://buffalosjokes.com/1156.htm

Too Much Time On The Computer
http://buffalosjokes.com/1157.htm

Pals
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1050.html

Richard Simmons Helps Another One
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/010.htm

Intel Inside
http://buffalosjokes.com/1161.htm

OS/2
http://buffalosjokes.com/1160.htm

Bike Safety
http://buffalosjokes.com/1159.htm

"The Christmas Letter"

Dear Darling Son & That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grand- children. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.

I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.
Love,
Mom

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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