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Subject: The Daily Funnies - December08, 2005

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

THURSDAY DECEMBER 08,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "If you have clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and do not have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.... you are rich compared to most of the world."

The new head of NASA says the United States can't
afford to do the next moon mission alone. He says the
cost is too great for one country to bear. That's
depressing, isn't it? Gas is so expensive we have to
carpool to the moon now. - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give
me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink
flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those
bent-over grandma in bloomers."

Cashier reply's: "That'll be eight dollars for the
pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars
for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The featured guest on a local radio talk show was a
woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described
what her clients could expect, the program's telephone
lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the
heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing
such a service.

Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do
before your people come?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local
Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my
maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the 40ish clerk
inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the
house."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire
broke out. They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and
climbed out the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the
building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't
you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?
The nun Replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife
is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike
in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back
into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a
fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a physics lab course, which involved light, electricity and
magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's
experiment before coming to class...
At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had
actually done so:
"What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised his hand and
said, "Uhhh, Miller and Bud?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A miser walks into a dentist's office and asks the dentist
how much he charges for pulling a tooth.

"Thirty bucks," said the dentist.

"Here's five," said the miser. "Just loosen it a little."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duh
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father
and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we
have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charity begins at home???
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to
the principal's office after the school had sponsored a
luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all
human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at
the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has
passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before
I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even
when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the
night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful
and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I said, "Drop dead!"
Thanks again!

Sincerely, Edna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT.
(SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT INTACT.)

MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].

PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When their first grandchild was born, Minnie asked her husband Earl,
'Well, Earl, how does it feel to he a grand- father?"

Earl replied, "Oh, it feels wonderful, of course, now what feels
strange is that I'll hate to get used to the idea of sleeping with
a grandmother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have to admit that most women who have done something with their lives have been disliked by almost everyone, especially women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men spend thousands on hair transplants and toupees when what is
really needed is more women who like bald men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night
I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple
materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,
put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the
couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a
surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting
on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Clinton was playing golf last week. When asked about
his handicap, he said, "She's doing a fine job as senator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The English teacher came over to little Billy's house to see why he was absent from school. "I'd like to see your mother," the teacher asked the little boy. "She ain't here," the boy answered. The English teacher said, "Why, Billy, where's your grammar"" Billy replied, "She ain't here neither."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Christmas Eve, Maxine had her three-year-old son Brad put out milk and cookies for Santa. During the night, the milk and cookies were consumed. It was a mystery to Maxine because she knew no one in the house could have done it. Then Brad pointed at the milk glass and said, "I know Santa was here because some of his whiskers are in the glass." The mystery was solved. Maxime smiled and petted Siam, their Siamese cat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the

tests

so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one

you

cannot enter the United States Of America".

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The Officer said, "make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and

Green".

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, " Mr. Officer I am ready".

The Officer said, "Go ahead".

Mujibar said, The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up,

and

say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's

help

desk. I just talked to him yesterday.

Can You Here Me Now?
~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riddle of The Children
Jack's mother had four children. The first was called North, the second was called South and the third was called East. What was the fourth called?

Answer is under Buggs:

**** Quickies ****
Q: Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?

A: They can?t keep their trunks up.
~
Q: Have you heard about the Polish parachute?

A: It opens on impact.
~

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
In Rochester, New York, an inexperienced car thief made a major
mistake approaching a woman who was attaching a heavy anti-theft
bar to her steering wheel.

When the man tried, to take her keys; he was beaten senseless over
the head with the solid metal bar she held.

Wendell Pinkston was still dazed when police arrived and arrested
him for grand larceny and assault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Entering a Virginia station (wearing a mask and brand- ishing a
gun), a would-be thief had obviously taken some pains to hide his
identity He'd even prepared written instructions so that his voice
couldn't later be identified.

The frightened cashier handed him the cash and the thief drove
off. Upon turning the criminal's note over the cashier saw that
it was a subpoena---complete with the thief's name and address.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fugitive Who Asked 'What's Up?' Arrested

DES MOINES, Iowa - A man who approached a plainclothes police
officer was arrested after asking the officer "what's up?" Officer
Patrick Hickey was checking license plates in an alley as part of
a recent drug investigation when a man asked him "what's up?"

Hickey responded by asking the man "what's up?"

The man asked Hickey the same question again, to which Hickey
again replied "what's up?"

To that, the man said "I'll show you what's up" and went inside a
nearby house and came out with a .38- caliber handgun, police said.

"The guy got a gun because I said 'What's up?' Unbelievable,"
Hickey said. "I had no idea he would want to shoot me for saying
'What's up?'"

Hickey said he showed the man his badge and pointed his gun at
the man, who put down his gun.

The man, Stewart Jenkins, 33, was wanted in Michigan, where he
was on parole for assault.

He will be arraigned Friday on drug and weapons charges.

A search of Jenkins found $700 and a small amount of suspected
crack cocaine, police said.

A search of his house turned up $8,000 and 15 grams of suspected
crack.

Jenkins was being held in the Polk County jail on more than
$130,000 bond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Sambuck's Coffee Can't Use Name

Astoria, OR -- Sam Buck used her own name for her coffee shop, calling her place Sambuck's.

But Starbucks sued, claiming trademark infringement.

A judge agrees with the coffee giant and ordered Buck to change the name of her coffee shop.

But the judge ruled that Buck won't have to pay Starbucks' legal fees. She could have been ordered to do so.

Her attorney says Buck has grounds to appeal the coffee decision, if she chooses to.

She has until the end of the month to decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Padded Bra Gives Woman 'False' Sense of Security

FRANKENMUTH, Michigan - Bullet proof vests have been around
a while, but have you ever heard of a nail proof bra? Dana
Colwell, 31, was cutting the grass at her Frankenmuth home
when a one-and-a-half inch nail shot out from under the
mower and punctured her right breast. Fortunately, she was
wearing her Maidenform padded "liquid-curved" bra, which
broke the speed of the nail enough so it stopped short of
her heart. She told reporters she'll make sure she's wearing
the breast-enhancing bra whenever she mows the lawn in the
future. I am sure her neighbors will love to know that too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Opera Casting Call Lists Odd Requirements

CHICAGO - An unusual want ad circulated in Chicago this weekend,
seeking "courtesans, kidnappers, guards, society women, a nobleman's
daughter, and others."

While the applicants don't have to sing, dance or speak, the
jobs offered by the Lyric Opera of Chicago carry a few other odd
qualifications, such as these: six men, 18 to 30, willing to wear
"physique-revealing toga-like outfits" and agile enough to climb
ropes.

Also being sought to fill the roles of extras in the Lyric's
upcoming production of Giuseppe Verdi's "Rigoletto": four men,
4 feet 10 inches tall and under, with "gymnastics or tumbling
skills and be able to rappel down a rope."

The Lyric was having trouble finding people for the roles, in part
because of the pay, spokeswoman Magda Krance said. Pay for extras
is $15 per rehearsal or performance call, so someone who attended
15 rehearsals and appeared in all 10 performances of "Rigoletto"
would earn only $375.

The casting call for "Rigoletto" is not the strangest issued by
the Lyric.

For a 1992 production of Bedrich Smetana's "The Bartered Bride," the
call for extras included a trick roper and a stiltwalker. Soprano
Kathryn Gamberoni had to learn to walk a tightrope for her role,
as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****

Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as
you say I am.

Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a
different way. According to this chart, you're about
10 inches too short.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor:       "I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular
attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient:      "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor:      "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you
no such order."
Patient:      "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct-
ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother
could visit. "Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after
your post-op checkup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this nervous patient whose imagination afflicts them
with all kinds of ills which never materialize. one afternoon
he staggered into the house. He was bent
forward. he tottered to a chair, and still curled into a half-moon
shape, dropped into it.

"Mary," he gasped, "it's come at last. There was no warning. All
of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head."

When the doctor had arrived and looked over the patient, the wife
inquired, "Is there any hope?"

"Well," the doctor said, "it will help a good deal if he will
unhitch the third buttonhole of his vest from the top button of
his trousers."

**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Johns Hopkins develops new DNA technique

BALTIMORE, -- Johns Hopkins University scientists say
they've developed a method of finding specific sequences
of DNA by making them light up under a microscope. The
researchers say the technique, which uses tiny semicon-
ductor crystals, biological probes and a laser, will have
important uses in medical research. They demonstrated the
method's potential in their lab by detecting a sample of
DNA containing a mutation linked to ovarian cancer. "Con-
ventional methods of finding and identifying samples of
DNA are cumbersome and time-consuming," said Jeff Tza-Huei
Wang, senior author of the paper and supervisor of the
research team. "This new technique is ultra-sensitive,
quick and relatively simple. It can be used to look for a
particular part of a DNA sequence, as well as for genetic
defects and mutations." The university has filed for a
provisional patent covering the DNA nanosensor technology.
The Johns Hopkins team described the new DNA nanosensor
in a paper published in the November issue of the journal
Nature Materials.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOOL TO MEASURE NATIONAL WELLBEING

U.S. researchers have developed a method to measure people's
quality of life. It could lead to a national index of
wellbeing, similar to key measures of economic health, the
Princeton University team says. The Day Reconstruction Method
creates an "enjoyment scale" by requiring people to record
the previous day's activities in a short diary form and
describe their feelings about the experiences. The technique
is more effective than current methods of measuring the
wellbeing of individuals and of society, the researchers say
in the journal Science.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   WALNUTS MAY PROTECT AGAINST DIABETES

An Australian study shows for patients with type 2 diabetes,
a whole foods diet including walnuts can reduce LDL "bad"
cholesterol by 10 percent. The findings, published in Diabetes
Care, also show more than 65 percent of people with diabetes
die from heart disease or stroke. Some 18.2 million Americans,
or 6.3 percent of the population, have diabetes. The World
Health Organization reports at least 171 million people world-
wide have diabetes, a figure is likely to more than double by
2030, reaching 366 million. Linda Tapsell of the University of
Wollongong says walnuts are rich in polyunsaturated fats, omega
oils and vitamins. Tapsell says her research suggests including
eight to 10 walnuts a day delivers the fats and fatty acids
that might help the body address one of the problems associated
with early stage type 2 diabetes -- insulin resistance -- which
hinders absorption of glucose from the bloodstream into human
cells.

**** Cool Links ****

Are You Lonesome Tonight
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/jwwaller/elvis/

**** ON THIS DAY ****
I'm on a "Merry Christmas" mission and I'm in full throttle. My little yellow VW Beetle has turned into a Christmas billboard with Merry Christmas written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to offend people.

At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who would have me remove the written message from my car?

I'm sorry folks, but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this Christmas season is the Lord himself. LEAVE THAT MANAGER ALONE! We've allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those offended by Christmas are still not happy. I refuse to let this happen. I'm going to do my part to make sure "Merry Christmas" doesn't become extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't take a stand now, it's gone forever.

Listen folks, the Christian community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves again.

I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather exuberant with my "Merry Christmas" greeting to the manager. He didn't have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He said, "We're not allowed to use the words "Merry Christmas" when greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday."

This morning I grabbed a quick breakfast at a Wattaburger Restaurant. I

noticed there wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he didn't know why.

After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down their

Merry Christmas signs, the Target stores not allowing the Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas town.

How can this be? Not Texas!

We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's taking a stand. We need to thank them.

When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new

words to a song we've sung for years - "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" - I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday."

I know now that it's just a matter of time that the "Merry Christmas"

greetings will be gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not "Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes.

Start singing the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your

heart's content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it on there again.

We've got to get this message out. "Go Tell It On the Mountain . . that

Jesus Christ is Born." Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our Lord.

The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back and allow him to be snuffed out of our lives?

Is it Jesus, or is it His followers that the "offended" don't like? What

kind of revulsion galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that says "Merry Christmas?"

I can listen to my own boss at work use some of the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't like me wishing you a "Merry Christmas," I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it.

I cannot be concerned that "Merry Christmas" offends you. If I'm not

careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.

I'm offended that you're offended. How about that?

When we get to a point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we

hold dear, we have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to those who say NO. That's it . . period. So, which will it be?

I'm not giving up my "Merry Christmas" joy to anyone. If I know of someone that celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration.

Just give me Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of

giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the newborn Christ-child.

You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down all the Merry Christmas signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a place that understands my joy.

If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent

Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.

It's okay to jump into the "Merry Christmas" spirit when it fills your cash

and don't stop buying. . . we'll just change the name and you'll never know the difference.

I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be aware

that townships across our country have actually banned the singing of

Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive?

If we're not celebrating Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of

our Savior . . there is no hope!

I noticed a few years ago that we changed the name of Abraham Lincoln's and George Washington's birthday so as to be all inclusive regarding the

Presidents. Hark, if we should recognize anyone as exceptional. Now it's called Presidents' Day.

Well, if we're going to be so all inclusive, next month I'll have to refer

to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as Civil Rights Leaders' Day. We don't want to exclude great Americans like Rosa Parks or Cesar Chavez, do we? And to think that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton might be left out.

We might need to change Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents' Day to All Parents' Day. Just lump them all together.

It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? So what's the difference?

My freedom to celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we going to do? Did anyone hear me . . . What are we going to do?

Do we defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition

(how about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always offend someone.

If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything for anyone.

May you always have Christmas in your heart

ENCORE!!!

Debbie in Texas

P.S. What ever happened to majority rule in this country????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm getting Nuttin for Christmas"

I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I broke my bat on Johnny's head
Somebody snitched on me
I hid a frog in sister's bed
Somebody snitched on me.

I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug
I made Tommy eat a bug
Bought some gum with a penny slug
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh h h h . . .
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair
Somebody snitched on me
I tied a knot in Suzy's hair
Somebody snitched on me.

I did a dance on Mommy's plants
Climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled that sugar bowl with ants
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh h h h . . .
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

So you better be good
Whatever you do
'Cause if you're bad, I'm warning you
You'll get nuttin' for Christmas!
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****
1908 Guitarist Slim Bryant born in Atlanta

1924 Rockabily singer Boyd Bennett born in Muscle Shoals, Ala.

1931 Grand Ole Opry member Bobby Osborne (Osborne Brothers)
born in Hayden, Ky.

1932 Singer-songwriter Hugh "X" Lewis born in Yeaddiss, Ky.

1935 Darrell Glenn born in Waco, Texas

1948 Ronnie Sessions born in Henrietta, Oklahoma

1948 Gary Morris born in Fort Worth, Texas

1959 Jim Reeves' RCA single of "He'll Have to Go" charted

1963 Stonewall Jackson's single of "B.J. the D.J." charted

1974 Cal Smith's single of "It's Time to Pay the Fiddler"
charted

1974 Mickey Gilley's single of "City Lights" charted

1996 Alan Jackson's "Little Bitty," written by Tom T. Hall,
hit #1

2002 Shania Twain's "Up" album debuted at #1 on the
Billboard 200 pop album charts; the record sold 874,000
copies in its first week

1961 Johnny Cash and June Carter first appeared onstage
together in Dallas, Texas

1977 Bill Boyd died at the age of 67

1987 Harold W. "Pappy" Daily, industry executive and mentor
to George Jones, died at the age of 85

1940 Minnie Pearl's name first appeared in radio schedules
for the Grand Ole Opry

1983 Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's single of "Islands in
the Stream" certified platinum

1995 Tim McGraw's "All I Want" album certified double
platinum

2001 Gary Allan's "Smoke Rings in the Dark" album certified
platinum

1952 Webb Pierce recorded "That's Me Without You" for Decca

1952 Webb Pierce recorded "I'll Go On Alone" for Decca

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Wal-Mart has claimed that Garth Brooks' new limited-edition box set has sold more than 1 million units, as of Wednesday (Dec. 7). The set, retailing for $25, went on sale Nov. 23 only at Wal-Mart. Since sales figures are not being supplied to Nielsen SoundScan, the sales totals are impossible to confirm. Since it is a single-outlet exclusive item and is not being reported to SoundScan, Billboard is not including the set on its sales charts. It includes four previously released CDs, a "lost sessions" CD with 11 new tracks and a commemorative DVD. It also has "Good Ride Cowboy," now sitting at No. 4 on the Billboard Hot Country Singles and Tracks chart, which reflects radio play.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****
"Sausage and Gravy"

1 lb. ground sausage
1/2 cup flour
3 cups milk
oil
salt and pepper

Cook the sausage until done over a medium heat. Remove from skillet
and set aside. Drain off the drippings and add enough oil to make
half a cup. Add the oil and the flour to the skillet and cook over
a medium high heat until browned. Reduce the heat and add the milk,
salt and pepper, and cook until bubbly. Stir well to prevent lumps.
Add the sausage to the gravy and cook a couple of minutes more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hamburger Pie"

1 pie shell. Bake in pie plate at 350?�F. about 12 minutes.

While pie shell is baking mix in a bowl:

1 pound ground beef
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 celery rib, chopped
1 small bell pepper, chopped
salt and pepper to taste.
2 tsp. minced garlic
1 egg
3/4 cup dry potato flakes

When pie shell has cooled, put meat in and spread evenly. Bake at 350?�F.
for an hour. While pie is baking, boil your potatoes
and fix cream potatoes to your liking. When pie is done,
spread mashed potatoes on meat and top with shredded cheese.
Heat till cheese melts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fresh Peach Cobbler"

1/2 cup plus 2 Tbsp. butter or margarine
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
dash of salt
2 cups sliced peaches
2 cups sugar, divided
2 tsp. baking powder
3/4 cup milk

Melt the butter in a 2-quart baking dish. Combine 1 cup sugar, flour, baking
powder and salt. Add milk and stir until mixed. Pour batter over butter in
baking dish but do not stir. Combine peaches and remaining sugar and spoon
over batter, but don't stir. Bake at 350?�F for one hour.

You may use canned, sweetened peaches and only 1 cup of sugar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sugar Cookies"

1 1/4 cups sugar
1 cup butter-flavored shortening
2 eggs
1/4 cup light corn syrup or pancake syrup
1 Tbsp. vanilla
3 cups + 4 Tbsp. flour
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt

Combine sugar and shortening. Add the eggs, syrup and vanilla. Beat
until fluffy. Combine 3 cups of flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
Add to the creamed mixture. Divide dough into 4 quarters. Wrap in
plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour. Spread 1 Tbsp. of flour on the
surface and use one quarter of dough. Flatten with hands, then using a
roller, thin out dough. Use cookie cutters to make cookies. (Repeat for
each quarter used). Sprinkle with sugars or decorations.
Bake in a preheated oven for 5-9 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
English Toffee
1 cup sugar
2 sticks butter
3 Tblsp. water

Place these three ingredients in a saucepan on med. heat and bring to a boil... Let boil for about 10 min. Stir this constantly. Cook until it turns dark tan. Pour in already prepared buttered cookie sheet or cake pan. Cool and cut into pieces. ( I break mine into pieces). If your want you can melt a couple Hershey candy bars or use chocolate chips while it is cooling and then spread it out, You also could go ahead and break your pieces, then dip in melted chocolate to coat both sides

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How can I make my goldfish's life more interesting? Or are they happy just swimming around?

Well, those goldfish ... previously believed to have a memory of just a few seconds ... can distinguish between different times of day and can also be taught to follow a routine. In 2003 Scientists at Plymouth University successfully trained goldfish to collect food at particular times of day. As we know, research has suggested that fish feel pain when they are caught on a hook, can be manipulative and socially aware, have long memories and are able to recognize their shoal-mates (ahem). Now research has added a sophisticated body clock to the piscine intellect. In the experiments at Plymouth U goldfish were placed in a bowl in which they were fed only when they pressed a lever. The fish rapidly learned that pressing the lever produced a food reward. Once they had been trained in this way, the researchers set up the lever to work for just one hour a day. The goldfish soon became wise to this and learned to press the lever at the same time every day to feed. Dr. Philip Gee commented: "The fish worked out that if they hit the lever around that time, they would get some food. Their activity around the lever increased enormously just before the set hour when their food was dispensed." But wait, what if no food came out? Yes, that became part of the research and voila the goldfish stopped pressing the lever when the hour was up. This is called: Adaptation. The ability to change with change in circumstance - like any other small animals and birds and sometimes carbon based bipeds. It would seem that it is indeed possible to learn and grow with your goldfish and reflect on what you are teaching them and what they are teaching you.

**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/

Weather Summary:
A Snow Advisory is in effect for the entire area for Thursday afternoon
and night. A storm system will move our way on Thursday bringing snow
with it. The snow will start by late morning for most and will pick up
in intensity by the afternoon and evening. The snow will taper off
Thursday night. Right now, it looks like 3" - 5" will be the total for
this area with more as you go east toward Indy. Friday will be partly
sunny and still cold. The weekend looks to be a little warmer with highs
in the 30`s.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
Jupiter will rise earlier each day during December and shine brightly
high in the southeast in morning twilight. The fainter star Spica will
be off to its upper right (south).

Wednesday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 12

Thursday
Snow Developing
HIgh 27

Thursday Night
Snow Ending, Total Accumulation of 3"-5"

Friday
Partly Sunny
High 28
Low 12

Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 34
Low 15

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 35
Low 22

Monday
Mostly Cloudy
High 38
Low 22

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 38
Low 22

Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 35
Low 24

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

TOON TIME

Good Morning
http://buffalosjokes.com/11158.htm

Cubs
http://buffalosjokes.com/11157.htm

Sunset
http://buffalosjokes.com/11156.htm

Now we know what they do all day!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny395.html

Island Transport Infrastructure...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200406/018.htm

Officer Smith pulls a mean trick on the bomb squad
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/nap4grate.html

bobsled accident
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/nap5grate.html

Over Dose
http://buffalosjokes.com/11161.htm

naught or nice
http://buffalosjokes.com/11160.htm

Mother Duck
http://buffalosjokes.com/11159.htm

That's all folks
A. Jack
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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