From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

TGIF FRIDAY DECEMBER 09,2005

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why is it when you're young and inexperienced, you have plenty of get up and go. Then when you
are older and experienced, your get up and go has got up and went?

THE SANDS OF CHRISTMAS
by Michael Marks

I had no Christmas spirit when I breathed a weary sigh,
And looked across the table where the bills were piled too high.

The laundry wasn't finished and the car I had to fix,
My stocks were down another point, the Chargers lost by six.

And so with only minutes till my son got home from school
I gave up on the drudgery and grabbed a wooden stool.
The burdens that I carried were about all I could take,
And so I flipped the TV on to catch a little break.

I came upon a desert scene in shades of tan and rust,
No snowflakes hung upon the wind, just clouds of swirling dust.

And where the reindeer should have stood before a laden sleigh,
Eight Humvees ran a column right behind an M1A.

A group of boys walked past the tank, not one was past his teens
Their eyes were hard as polished flint, their faces drawn and lean.

They walked the street in armor with their rifles shouldered tight,
Their dearest wish for Christmas, just to have a silent night.

Other soldiers gathered, hunkered down against the wind,
To share a scrap of mail and dreams of going home again .
There wasn't much at all to put their lonely hearts at ease,
They had no Christmas turkey, just a pack of MREs.

They didn't have a garland or a stocking I could see,
They didn't need an ornament--they lacked a Christmas tree.

They didn't have a present even though it was tradition,
The only boxes I could see were labeled "ammunition."

I felt a little tug and found my son now by my side,
He asked me what it was I feared, and why it was I cried.
I swept him up into my arms and held him oh so near And kissed him on the
forehead as I whispered in his ear.

"There's nothing wrong, my little son, for safe we sleep tonight
Our heroes stand on foreign land to give us all the right,

To worry on the things in life that mean nothing at all,
Instead of wondering if we will be the next to fall."

He looked at me as children do and said, "It's always right,
To thank the ones who help us and perhaps that we should write."

And so we pushed aside the bills and sat to draft a note,
To thank the many far from home and this is what we wrote:

"God bless you all and keep you safe and speed your way back home.
Remember that we love you so, and that you're not alone.

The gift you give you share with all, a present every day,
You give the gift of liberty and that we can't repay."

Michael Marks: "I freely submit this poem for reprint without
reservation--this is an open and grateful tribute to the men and women who
serve every day to keep our nation safe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

According to "Entertainment Tonight", Britney Spears
has kicked her husband, Kevin Federline, out of the
house.
I'm not sure what Kevin is doing wrong, but I think we
can rule out spending too much time at work. - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The couple's 50th wedding anniversary was approaching.
The husband asked his long-suffering wife, "What would you like to
do for our anniversary, Dear?"

She looked at him sourly and replied, "Become a
widow!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Conversation at the grocer's

- Good morning!
- Morning.
- What is that, please?
- Bananas.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Oranges.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- It's poppyseed, but it's not for sale!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing
on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to
tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of
earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he
remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the
other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she
answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says
that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in
Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send
you to Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet
you
created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done
before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it! will
help
you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing
in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see
Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds!
,with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but
not
as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think
I
prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how
he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled
to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being
burned
and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded -- his voice full of! anguish and disappointment, "This
is
awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"

God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of U.S. marines arriving in Afganistan found themselves
taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an
involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying
tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine
how well the marine class had grasped the information given.
"Goldberg ," he said, pointing to one of the marines, "say you
captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained a minor head wound,
what do you do about it?"
"That's easy, Sir," said Goldberg. "I wrap a tourniquet around
his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a
ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ???intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand.
The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked,
"What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said,
Take your shovel and hit my hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days
with no food and little water...
One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they
crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a
Cannibal's Restaurant.
Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the
little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the
clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"
They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a
table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered,
one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand
your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third
item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to
CLEAN one of those suckers?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if
you get hungry?', he said. 'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely
declared the child. 'And what if you run out of money?'. 'I will come
home and get some!', readily replied the child. The man then made a
final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'. 'Then I'll come
home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply. The man shook his head
and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home; he's going off
to college!!!!!!!'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks
him,"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
Nascar, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and
asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for
the Democrats again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free
time
in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?"
he
asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband
ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit
it
out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can
drink
this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I noticed you always carry my photo in your purse and was wondering why?"
a husband asked his wife.

She smiled mischievously and replied, "When there's a problem, no matter how
impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears,"

The man chuckled. "You see how good I am for you?" he remarked.

"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can
there be that's worse than this one?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault.

"I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher,
"when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get
into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"
After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to
investigate.

About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is
sporting a large bump on his head.

"What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?"

"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing
his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do??� Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment.
We
can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.

"How is your wife?"

"She is in heaven," replied the friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the
thing to say.

"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."

That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm
surprised."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He
found the problem quickly and, since he needed to
replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and
a broken hinge too.

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he
needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire
he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it
belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he
could figure it out once he got into the job.

"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the
wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire
from your wife's bra."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEVER FAILS

While I was attending university, I spent three summers as an air- force flight cadet. In my final year, I taught a class in supply procurement, and a student would always clean off the blackboard after it was covered with notes.

When I started teaching at the local high school, I eventually gave up trying to get one of my students to help in the same way.

One day I stayed after class and filled the entire blackboard with complicated chemical equations and notes, ready for the next day's lesson. I arrived in the morning to a beaming eleventh grade class and spotlessly clean blackboards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Yolanda, her husband, Clarence, and her mother were on a shopping tour of Hong Kong. There was a microwave oven on a shelf over the refrigerator in their hotel room, so they bought some muffins to eat for breakfast the next morning. Yolanda opened the microwave, put the muffins inside, closed the door and pushed the button. Nothing happened. So Clarence picked up the booklet next to the microwave and began reading the instructions out loud. Again Yolanda pushed the correct button, but nothing happened. Clarence picked up the booklet again and realized suddenly that no matter how many times they pushed the button, the microwave wasn't going to work. The safe now protectively held their muffins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The late entertainer Al Jolson is reputed to have been a hard man to handle. A young director once tried to get him to alter a piece of business, and found himself in trouble at once. Jolson halted the proceedings, stared at the young man scornfully, and said, "Listen kid, I've got a million dollars. What do you have?" And the director said quietly, "Friends!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child. One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?" No more problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer finally decided to buy a televion set. The store assured
him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The
next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the
TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat
lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called
the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for
every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their
repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer
was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside
to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the
farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed
on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so
the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly
at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the
rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute
$1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich
man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted,
"Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and
again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last
pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him
on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will
give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit
him again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the growing aggression of non-smokers toward
smokers, perhaps this wording should be on the cigarette pack:

WARNING! SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.

SOME NON-SMOKER MIGHT PUNCH YOU OUT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison
~
Two Americans have won the Nobel Prize in economics. They're the first to figure out all the little charges on their phone bill.
~
As we were packing to leave the hotel room, my husband asked me why I had piled all the towels on the desk. I pointed to the sign on the desk. It read please leave towels here when you go.
~
Zinc: What you do if you can't Zwim.
~
I THINK NOT
Antidepressant drugs are prescribed in Utah more often than in any other state, at a rate nearly twice the national average, according to the Utah Psychiatric Association...... more wives - more antidepressants... coincidence?
~
If a young man becomes a traffic engineer, should he become
known as a 'roads' scholar?
~
Why was the calendar depressed?

Its days were numbered.

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
A man agitated by a helicopter hovering over his home in Australia
threatened to shoot it down with tomatoes.

Douglas Arphaxad telephoned Air Services Australia yesterday to
complain about the helicopter. Mr. Arphaxad allegedly threatened
to blow the chopper out of the sky using a home-made bazooka loaded
with tomatoes.

He is charged with two counts of threatening to endanger the safety
of an aircraft.

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

10-Year-Old Girl Goes for Joy Ride in N.M.

A 10-year-old girl who decided to go on a joy ride in her father's car Wednesday morning crashed into a guard rail, according to the San Juan County Sheriff's Office.

Authorities received a report of a single-car crash along U.S. 550 north of Aztec. The responding deputy found a 1988 Mazda sedan tangled with a guard rail and a young girl there alone with her cat, said Sgt. Lisa Haws.

The girl first told authorities she had been kidnapped from her home by a man who blindfolded her, forced her into her father's car and then drove away, according to a news release from the sheriff's office. The girl claimed the man crashed into the guard rail and ran away.

Deputies questioned her further and she admitted that she was staying home sick from school. When her father left for work, the girl decided she wanted to take a drive. She took her cat and got into her father's car and drove about 4 miles before hitting the guard rail, authorities said.

Neither the girl nor the cat was injured, but deputies said the car sustained heavy front-end damage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Presidential Pups Star in Holiday Video

By JUAN-CARLOS RODRIGUEZ, Associated Press

How do you say "Merry Christmas" in Scottish terrier? Just ask presidential pups Barney and Miss Beazley.

First lady Laura Bush showed a home video of White House holiday life ??� from the first dogs' point of view ??� to a group of patients, their families and staff at Children's National Medical Center on Wednesday.

The video, "A Very Beazley Christmas," tells the story of a very jealous Barney, who hides presents meant for his more popular sister, Miss Beazley.

The president's chief of staff, Andrew Card, and Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, as well as television hosts Nancy O'Dell and George Stephanopoulos, raise Barney's ire by heaping praise on the charming, photogenic and younger Miss Beazley.

After scolding Barney for playing hide and seek with Miss Beazley's gifts, President Bush chides a contrite Miss Beazley, saying, "I understand you've been a media hound."

He patches up the dogs' differences by telling them, "You have to remember the true meaning of the holiday season."

The video is available on the White House Web site.

Laura Bush showed the video after touring the hospital with daughter Barbara and Miss Beazley, who was decked out in a holiday plaid collar, and reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," by Dr. Seuss, to a group of children.

The first lady took a few questions from her young audience at the end of the program. One young woman wanted to know, "Is there a menorah in the White House?" Yes, Mrs. Bush replied.

Five-year-old Diamond Moseley, in the hospital with chronic asthma, said the video was her favorite part of the day.

Samantha Melkonian, 12, guided Mrs. Bush on her tour. Samantha, who took in the festivities with her family, last year donated bone marrow to her leukemia-stricken brother.

"She showed so much care for the hospital," Samantha said. "For the kids who are here during the holidays, it's really special."

Every first lady since Jacqueline Kennedy has visited the hospital during the holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deputy Delivers Baby Outside Dairy Queen

Perhaps she had a craving for a Blizzard. Elizabeth Alexandra Austin entered the world in a Dairy Queen parking lot in Oakland County's Waterford Township on Tuesday. Her parents, Kendra and John Austin, of Holly, had been hoping she would wait until they reached the hospital.

Sheriff's Deputy Matthew Miller assisted with the delivery after John Austin flagged him down.

It was the first time Miller, a 26-year veteran, had assisted with a birth, but all deputies are trained for the task, Undersheriff Michael McCabe told The Oakland Press of Pontiac.

John Austin, 31, said his wife's contractions had begun a few days earlier, but doctors instructed them to wait until they were about five minutes apart.

The couple was still on the road when Elizabeth got impatient.

"She just started coming really fast," said Kendra Austin, 25.

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
The doctor has just finished giving Bill a thorough
physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is
give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said Bill. "What's
next best?"

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Cardio cath labs' infection rules updated

BETHESDA, Md., -- The Bethesda, Md.-based, Society for
Cardiovascular Angiography and Interventions has updated
its infection control guidelines for cardio-cath labora-
tories. Society officials said the revision was prompted,
in part, by the recognition that interventional cardiology
procedures have become increasingly complex. The new guide-
lines update a 1992 document. "With all of the implantable
devices and advanced procedures, it is becoming difficult
to distinguish the cardiovascular catheterization labora-
tory from the surgical suite," said Dr. Charles Chambers,
lead author and a professor of medicine and radiology at
Penn State College of Medicine. "Infections in the cardio-
vascular cath lab are very uncommon, and it is essential
that this continues to be the case." The new guidelines
provide detailed information on, among other things, the
selection of antibacterial soaps, the circumstances under
which patients should receive an antibiotic, protective
masks and other garb to be worn by lab staff, and the
acceptable level of air circulation in the cath lab. "The
guidelines are more comprehensive than the earlier version.
They outline the preparation and protection of patients,
the protection of interventional cardiologists and staff,
and laboratory maintenance," Chambers said. The new guide-
lines appear in the January issue of the journal Catheter-
ization and Cardiovascular Interventions.

'Survival genes' may aid brain function

EDINBURGH, Scotland, -- Scientists are trying to identify
the reasons why completing a daily crossword is good for the
brain.

Researchers at the University of Edinburgh say it appears
that there are "survival genes" that lay dormant in unused
brains but are re-awakened in active brain cells.

These awakened genes make the brain cells live longer and
resist traumas such as disease, stroke and the effects of
drugs, and are also critical to brain development in unborn
babies.

Their findings could lead to the development of smarter
drugs or gene therapies to halt the progress of Alzheimer's
and Parkinson's disease.

"When brain cells are highly stimulated, many unused genes
are suddenly reactivated. We have found that a group of
these genes can make the active brain cells far healthier
than lazy, inactive cells, and more likely to live a long
life," said Giles Hardingham, who presented this work
recently at the annual meeting for the Society for Neuro-
science in Washington.


Plant cell study important for biomedicine

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind., -- Purdue University scientists say
two proteins that control plant growth may help explain why
human cells reject chemotherapy drugs.

Researchers from Purdue and Kyoto University in Japan have
shown for the first time that proteins similar to multi-
drug resistant proteins in humans move a plant growth
hormone into cells.

Since plant proteins called P-glycoproteins are closely
related to human P-glycoproteins that affect chemotherapy
effectiveness, discovery of methods to control the plant
protein's activity may aid development of therapies to
reduce drug dosages administered to cancer patients, said
Purdue Plant Cell Biologist Angus Murphy.

"Results of this research will give us a better idea of
the functioning of the multi-drug resistance process in
which human cancer cells reject anticancer treatments,"
Murphy said.

Murphy is corresponding author of the study published in
the November issue of Plant Cell. He also is corresponding
author of a related article published in October's Plant
Journal.

"The findings of these two studies have important implica-
tions for biomedicine because we now can identify the parts
of these proteins that determine whether cells take up or
throw off different molecules, such as cancer drugs,"
Murphy said.

WAYS TO KEEP CHILDREN SAFE

Parents need to view candles, fireplaces and trees as
potential hazards to children during the holidays, U.S.
researchers report. Dr. Kate Perkins of Cedars-Sinai
Medical Center offers these safety tips: keep lit candles
out of reach of youngsters; be careful of glass ornaments
that can break and cut fingers or be ingested; never leave
children alone in a room with a burning fire; surround the
fireplace with a sturdy screen; keep the Christmas tree
stable and well hydrated to reduce fire danger; let your
host know ahead of time of your child's allergies; be wary
of hard candies, nuts, veggie sticks, hot dogs and other
treats that present choking risks; make sure the home
you're visiting is child-proofed before letting your child
roam; keep a list of emergency numbers for the sitter;
watch your child closely at crowded malls and shopping
centers; keep all pool gates shut; give age-appropriate
toys and gifts; and, keep potential toxic products --
cleaning agents, cosmetics, plants, pain relief medica-
tions, cold medications -- under lock and key.

  PROLONGED STRESS TAKES A TOLL

University of California at San Francisco scientists report
psychological stress may exact its toll, at least in part,
by affecting molecules. The study of 58 biological mothers
-- 39 of chronically ill child and 19 mothers of a healthy
child -- finds mothers of chronically ill children were more
stressed, but their biological markers were not different.
However, the more years of care giving -- the greater the
oxidative stress, which leads to aging. The study, published
in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,
determined that chronic stress, and the perception of life
stress each had a significant impact on three biological
factors. This is the first evidence that chronic psycho-
logical stress -- and how a person perceives stress --
suggests stress may modulate the rate of cellular aging,
according to study co-author Elizabeth Blackburn.

   REASONS FOR FEELING BLUE POSTPARTUM

Canadian researchers list recent immigration, lack of
partner support and hypertension as risk factors for feel-
ing depressed after giving birth. University of Toronto
nursing Professor Cindy-Lee Dennis and colleagues at the
University of British Columbia have developed a model that
predicts which mothers are at high risk of developing
depressive symptoms in the early postpartum period. Their
study, published in the Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavia,
looked at nearly 600 mothers. Early detection is important
because low mood shortly after delivery can lead to post-
partum depression, Dennis says. "The next step is to develop
accessible and effective preventive and treatment plans for
these women," she says.

         PURPLE BERRIES' HIGH IN ANTIOXIDANTS

U.S. government scientists say purple berries, such as black
currant, are up to 50 percent higher in antioxidants than
other varieties. The dark-skinned group, which also includes
elderberry and chokeberry, is thus thought to have greater
potential to provide more health benefits, such as protection
against cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer's, than even
blueberries and cranberries, say scientists from the U.S.
Department of Agriculture. The berries soon will be used as
part of a growing number of specialty health foods, drinks
and nutraceuticals, they say in the Journal of Agricultural
and Food Chemistry.

**** Cool Links ****
Rewind the Fifties :: The Retro 1950's 1960s
http://www.loti.com/portal/html/

**** ON THIS DAY ****

If you see a fat man . . .

Who's jolly and cute,

wearing a beard

and a red flannel suit,

and if he is chuckling

and laughing away,

while flying around

in a miniature sleigh

with eight tiny reindeer

to pull him along,

then lets face it . . .

Your egg nogs' too strong!

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****
1912 Country Music Hall of Fame member Jack Stapp, WSM Radio
executive and co-founder of Tree Publishing, born in Nashville,
Tennessee

1914 Floyd Tillman, a member of the Country Music Hall of Fame,
born in Ryan, Oklahoma

1922 Folk singer Jean Ritchie born in Viper, Kentucky

1959 Marty Raybon born in Stanford, Florida

1962 Flatt & Scruggs perform at New York's Carnegie Hall and
record the concert for release on Columbia

1982 Marty Robbins died at the age of 57 in Nashville,
Tennessee

1983 Clyde Wilson, better known as Western movie actor Slim
Pickens, died

1956 Rockabilly singer Dave Rich joins the Louisiana Hayride

1950 Moon Mullican recorded "Too Many Irons in the Fire" for
King

1950 Moon Mullican recorded "Another Night is Coming" for
King

1950 Moon Mullican recorded "Cherokee Boogie" for King

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Womack's There's More Where That Came From Certified Gold

Lee Ann Womack's latest album, There's More Where That Came
From, has been certified gold by the RIAA for shipments of
500,000 copies. Womack won the CMA Award for album of the
year in November. Released in February, the album includes
"I May Hate Myself in the Morning" (a CMA winner for single
of the year) as well as her latest single, "Twenty Years
and Two Husbands Ago." This is her fifth gold album.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhonda Vincent to Perform on Christmas Skating Special

Rhonda Vincent & the Rage will perform two songs for a TV
special featuring holiday music and professional ice
skaters. They are the first bluegrass band to take part
in the annual Capital One Holiday Celebration on Ice,
which will be filmed Wednesday (Dec. 7) in Richmond, Va.
Vincent will release a Christmas album in 2006. Airing on
NBC on Christmas Day, other artists on the special include
Josh Gracin, Bruce Hornsby and SHeDAISY.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How do "truth" serums work?

Truth drug, or "truth serum," the chemical thiopental sodium, is a fast-acting barbiturate that makes a person talkative, uninhibited, and extremely open to suggestion. It does not make a person "tell the truth," but they can be coaxed into saying things the interviewer wants them to say. The effect of this drug is similar to acute alcohol intoxication.

Technically, thiopental sodium increases the permeability of the neural membrane to chloride ions. This results in general inhibition, starting with the cortex and progressing to other regions of the brain.

Thiopental sodium is used now as an induction to anesthesia (generally given before nitrous oxide, as many people are apprehensive about inhaling the gas first), by itself for minor operations, as an anticonvulsant, as an animal tranquilizer, as a radioprotective agent, and as the first drug given in a lethal injection.

**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/

Weather Summary:
First bigg snow storm of the season ends later Thursday night. It left
behind 4" - 6" for the most part. Winds from the west at 15-20 mph
Thursday night will blow and drift some of the snow. This will impact
north - south roads the most. The winds will drop off some by 3 - 5am.
Friday will be partly sunny but still cold with highs in the upper 20`s.
The weekend will bring a little warmer weather with highs getting just
above freezing. A "clipper" system could bring some very light snow or
flurries for Sunday but nothing big. Early next week stays cold but not
as cold as this week.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
Most areas got between 4" and 6" of snow total for Thursday winter
storm!

Thursday Night
Snow Ending Early, Blowing and Drifting Snow
Low 8

Friday
Partly Sunny
High 25

Friday Night
Partly Cloudy
Low 8

Saturday
Partly Sunny
High 34

Sunday
Some Light Snow Possible
High 33
Low 22

Monday
Mostly Cloudy
High 33
Low 20

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 35
Low 20

Wednesday
Light Snow
High 34
Low 22

Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 32
Low 25

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.