A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when
she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around,
there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a
stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye,
she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells
"Give me a beer, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens everyday for
a week  straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks
his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself.
Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a beer, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to

take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned

the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the

question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in

terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun
in
his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had
to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought
out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said,
"is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tech support people spend their days on the phone with customers. Many
like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot.
-
One man said he'd been a long-haul truck driver.
-
"I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the
wheel." was the response
-
"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left
hand and hold it out the window."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over
the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot
time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot
time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time
you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it
on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye
paid me the first three pennies?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clear DayThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say..........

    Picabo, ICU
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I know
he'll remarry right away. I just want to make sure his next wife will go
CRAZY looking for the jewelry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A family had just sat down to enjoy their lunch one Sunday, when there
was a pronounced knock on the front door.

The man of the house rose and went impatiently to the door and quickly
opened it.

To his surprise there was no-one there and so he looked around to see
what had made the noise.

As he was about to shut the door again, he noticed on the doorstep a
strangely alert looking snail.

The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice
Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Sunday meal?"

The man was stunned and replied , "Yes, but what's it to you?"

Whereupon the snail replied, "My family and I are starving so I was
wondering if you could spare us just a little!"

The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily, "You cheeky little
snail!" and promptly kicked the snail right over his own hedge and into
his neighbour's garden.

He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and to
another thought was given to the incident.

A few weeks went by. Another Sunday lunch was once more taking place.
The family were sitting around the table.

They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a
pronounced knock on the door.

The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find
no-one there.

Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this
strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.

The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost
hurt in his voice . "What did you do that for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Middle Wife,
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I
saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty
tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations
on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk
about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to
the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This
is Luke, my baby brother and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a
symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my
Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an "umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder
with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying
and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind
her back and groans. "She walked around the house for,
like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now the kid's doing this
hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept
in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up
and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This
kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and
'breathe, breathe'. They started counting, but never
even got past ten."

"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was
covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's
play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside
there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes
along.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 gallons of milk