|
The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is easier to
get older than it is to get wiser.
TGIF
FRIDAY DECEMBER 16,2005
THOUGHT FOR
TODAY: "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend
over and paint her toenails anymore.
So
my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis
too. That's love."- Rebecca- age 8
Early Christmas
Shopping
The judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned
the prisoner. "What are
you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my
Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense,"
replied the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before
the store opened," countered the prisoner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a
note, and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the
apples."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a teenage girl smiles at a
boy, he tries to
decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady
smiles at a man in his fifties, he
turns around to see who's the handsome
dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he
looks down to see if he's
unzipped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've never understood why women
love cats. Cats are
independent, they don't listen, they don't come
in
when you call, they like to stay out all night, and
when they're home
they like to be left alone and
sleep.
In other words, every quality
that women hate in a
man, they love in a
cat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past
the lady
driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously
having
difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be
in. Finally, her mind made
up, the woman veered into
the truck driver's lane and jammed on her
brakes,
which resulted in a slight collision.
Unhurt but obviously
harried, the lady driver rushed
over to the truck driver and started to bawl
him out,
barking, "You knew I was going to do something
idiotic. Why
didn't you stop to wait and see what it
was?"
~~~~~~~~~
Bill has the
typical observant wife. One evening
after dinner, she handed him a
bottle of Rogaine hair
restorer.
Bill told her while he was indeed
starting to thin out
some, he didn't really think he needed hair
restorer
yet.
She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for
your
secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her
hair on your
jacket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was
hospitalized earlier
this week with a rapid heartbeat...After
the doctors ex-
amined him, they replaced some of Arnold's
obsolete
computer chips and reinforced his titanium
exo-skeleton.
He was good as new." --Jay
Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After driving up and down several lanes, I
finally found a
parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed
another man
driving very slowly in the same direction, and,
since he
was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?"
look.
His responding gestures were
very cofusing. First he shook
his head. Next he pointed at me,
then at the parking space
and then at himself, his watch and the
mall. Finishing off,
he frowned, raised his palms upward and
shrugged. Once I
parked, I walked over to the driver to make
sure he didn't
want the space.
"You must be
single," he replied. "If you were married,
you would've known
that was the universal sign for 'Go
ahead and take the spot. I'm
waiting for my wife.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and
his wife were lying in bed the other night when he
noticed she
had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million
American Women
Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started
thumbing
through the pages.
His wife was a
little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're
doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they
spelled my
name right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd had a
pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-
time finally came, I laid
down the law: "We're putting on
your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading
ONE book. Then
it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a
gentle embrace, and she
said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys
and
girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been
such a grouch, I thought, she was still
grateful to have me. I felt tears
begin to well up in my
eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be
THEIR
mom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You
have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in
the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his
cart into
the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor
and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're
slowing
down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid
falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you
don't
realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny
red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for
you.
There's a dog
in the neighborhood that barks at
EVERYTHING.
You can never put
anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings
after lunch you look in the
mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to
your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone
has
extinguished a cigarette.
[Yuck!!]
You slice your tongue
licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're
trying to
get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're
standing near the
radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move
away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of
the
tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your
entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.
[Hey... this has happened to me
before... NOT fun...]
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let
a
pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes
electrical contact with
your filling.
You set the alarm on your
digital clock for 7pm instead of
7am.
The radio station doesn't tell
you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the
bathroom
doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line
dash ahead of
you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off
your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a
word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You
have to inform five different sales people in the same
store that you're just
browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now
you
can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the
floor
and smash your head on the way up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
couples happy married life almost went
on the rocks because of the presence
in
the household of old Aunt Emma. For
seventeen long years she lived with
them,
always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally, the old girl
died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the
husband confessed to his
wife, "Darling,
if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I
would have
put up with having your Aunt
Emma in the house all those years."
His
wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt
Emma!" she cried. "I thought she
was
'your' Aunt Emma!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A customer asked the
waitress what the daily special
was.
She replied, "Boiled tongue."
"Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer,
"There is
certainly no way that I would ever eat
anything that came out of a cows
mouth! That's
disgusting! Give me three fried eggs,
instead!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****
Quickies ****
Q. What do you say to
a hitchhiker with one leg?
A. Hop in.
~
Q. What do
lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their
personalities.
~
Q. What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?
A. A seizure
salad.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
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HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
SO EASY. EVEN A CHILD CAN DO IT
An Anderson County, S.C., sheriff's deputy was temporarily
sidelined by his boss after the officer's pistol went off during a gun safety
class at a middle school. It seems the weapon discharged when a student pulled
the trigger as the deputy was showing the kids how hard it was to take a gun
from an officer's holster. The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut two
students.
~
HOOD? WHAT HOOD? WE DON'T SEE NOTHING
Two Cedar Rapids, Iowa, men landed in jail after they continued driving on
Interstate 380 when the hood of their car popped open and covered their
windshield. Instead of stopping to fix the problem, the men stuck their heads
out the windows so they could see and kept going. Two Linn County deputies took
note and pulled them over.
ONE WIFE AT A TIME
Another South Carolina deputy had a lapse of judgment, too, but
his was of the matrimonial variety. Sumter County sheriff's deputy Jay Follin
was fired for being married to two women at the same time. Follin, 27, was
separated from his first wife when he married his second, according to a
department investigation. His second wife, the investigation revealed, was
already married to another man at the time. Everything became known when the
husband of Follin's second wife filed a complaint with the sheriff's department.
The couple was separated at the time.
~
ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF SMOKING
A man riding in a car on Arkansas 234 near the Oklahoma border didn't go to
jail following a long night of drinking. But he did go to a hospital after
jumping from the vehicle in an effort to retrieve his lit cigarette. Jeff Foran
was recovering after leaping from the car and landing hard on the roadway in a
failed bid to grab the butt, state police said. "If anything could make him stop
smoking, this should be it," said Trooper Jamie Graver.
~
HONEY, I'M HOT FOR YOU
A 38-year-old Oregon man wearing a gasoline-soaked cape set himself on fire
before getting down on one knee and asking his longtime girlfriend to marry him.
About 100 people gathered to watch Todd Grannis perform the flaming stunt for
Malissa Kusiek, who said "yes."
~
SHOOT. HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY
In Muscatine, Iowa, Dean L. Wooten was fired for greeting Wal-Mart customers
with a computer-generated photo in which he appeared to be naked ??” except for a
carefully placed Wal-Mart bag. Wooten reportedly told customers the store was
cutting costs and the bag was the company's new uniform. A supervisor told him
to stop showing the photo after customers complained. He was canned when he
displayed the photo again.
**** WEIRD HAPPENINS
****
40 GOATS FOR CHELSEA CLINTON. DO I HEAR 50?
Kenyan councilman Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor says he offered
Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years
ago. He's still awaiting an answer.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so
stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis,
constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you
complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers,
"Teeth."
~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~
**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Brain
Cells by Millions Die During a Stroke
NEW YORK - When someone suffers a stroke, 1.9 million nerve
cells in the brain die each minute, and the oxygen-starved
brain ages about 3.6 years each hour -- further emphasizing
the need for rapid treatment -- researchers say.
"'Time
is brain' is a popular saying: clinical outcomes
have been shown
to deteriorate the longer treatment is
delayed," study author
Dr. Jeffrey L. Saver, from the
University of California in Los
Angeles, told Reuters
Health. However, he added, until recently
the technology
did not exist to precisely count the number of
neurons
lost with each passing minute that the blood supply
is
interrupted to the affected region.
Advances in stroke neuroimaging coupled with data from
previous research have allowed Saver to estimate the
neuron
loss that occurs during a typical stroke.
The average stroke
involves 54 milliliters of brain tissue
-- about 3 cubic inches
-- and takes 10 hours to evolve,
the investigator reports in the
American Heart Association's
journal Stroke.
As noted, each minute a stroke ticks by untreated, 1.9
million neurons die, resulting in the loss of 14 billion
synapses (nerve junctions) and 7.5 miles of nerve fibers.
According to the report, the forebrain, the most common
site
of strokes, contains a total of 22 billion neurons,
on
average.
"I was simultaneously not surprised by the
findings, but
astounded by the magnitude," Saver said. "From
caring for
patients whose lives are forever altered by
crippling
stroke, I knew intuitively that stroke is a
devastating
disease that evolves rapidly. On the other hand,
seeing
the raw numbers of exactly how much damage occurs
astounds
me."
The findings drive home the
message that "patients need
to recognize stroke symptoms and
call 911 right away. ER
physicians, neurologists, and nurses
need to recognize
that stroke is a treatable neuro emergency
that has to be
handled at the highest triage
priority."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Digestive problems may prevent exercise
SEATTLE, Dec 8, 2005 (UPI via COMTEX)
-- A University of
Washington psychologist in Seattle says some
overweight
people's ability to exercise may be hampered by
gastro-
intestinal problems.
Researchers
studying nearly 1,000 men and women par-
ticipating in a
randomized trial evaluating Minnesota
weight-loss programs found
associations between
gastrointestinal symptoms, diet and
exercise.
The physiological mechanisms linking
gastrointestinal
symptoms, obesity and exercise must still be
determined,
said Rona Levy, lead author of the study and a
University
of Washington professor.
"Our
main finding is that the amount of exercise people
in a weight
loss program do is related to gastrointestinal
symptoms," said
Levy. "In statistical terms, this means
exercise is protective
against gastrointestinal symptoms.
.. Science has now validated
what people have been
guessing.
"But we
don't know if this is a 'did the chicken or the
egg come first'
kind of a thing. We are not sure which is
the key -- exercise or
gastrointestinal symptoms. It is
plausible that if a physician
put a patient on an exercise
program to lose weight, the GI
problems experienced might
hamper the patient's ability to
exercise."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UCSF scientists find
new facts about HIV
SAN FRANCISCO, -- University of
California-San Francisco
scientists have discovered how the
human immunodeficiency
virus can be kept dormant and hidden in
immune cells. The
findings suggest new potential therapeutic
approaches for
viral eradication from infected patients, lead
author Dr.
Warner Greene, professor of medicine, microbiology
and
immunology, said. Current combined antiviral
therapies
that target essential components of replicating HIV
fail
to achieve eradication of the virus from infected
patients.
That, said Greene, is due in part to
the presence of rare
cells harboring silent copies of the HIV
virus -- a danger-
ous reservoir of literally "invisible"
viruses that might
potentially reactivate and seed a new
infection. Greene
and colleagues report significant progress
toward the
understanding of the molecular mechanisms responsible
for
maintenance of HIV latency. Specifically, the team
demon-
strated viral gene expression is actively repressed
by
the inhibitory NF-kappaB p50 protein. That inhibition
is
mediated by an enzyme called HDAC1, which is capable
of
shutting down gene expression in its vicinity. The
study
is explained online in The EMBO
Journal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult kids puzzled by aging
parents
ST. LOUIS, -- A study by a Washington
University psycholo-
gist in St. Louis suggests adult siblings
may have vastly
differing views on what their aging parents
want. In fact,
psychologist Brian Carpenter's study indicates a
random
stranger might have the same chance at guessing
parental
wishes as some children would. Carpenter, an assistant
pro-
fessor of psychology, says there's no clear indicator
of
which children will be "good" predictors or which will
be
"bad" predictors of their parent's lifestyle
preferences.
There is, however, some evidence that children who
perceive
their relationships as emotionally closer are better,
he
said.The study also indicates there is no significant
cor-
relation between gender, age or geographical proximity
of
children and parents as to whether a child is a "good"
or
"poor" predictor of parental wishes. Carpenter
discussed
the nature of his on-going research in the
September
edition of the American Psychological
Association
Newsletter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New
brain imaging technique announced
ST. LOUIS, --
Washington University scientists in St. Louis
have devised a
technique that, for the first time, shows
what the brain does
when the skull accelerates. The research-
ers took a technique
originally developed to measure cardiac
deformation and used it
to image deformation in human sub-
jects during repeated mild
head decelerations. The scientists
used magnetic resonance
imaging to gathered data that show
the brain -- connected to the
skull by numerous vessels,
membranes and nerves at its base --
tries to pull away from
those attachments, leading to a
significant deformation of
the front of the brain. The findings
were presented last
month during the annual meeting of the
National Neurotrauma
Society in
Washington.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scientists underestimate
cell protozoan
NEW HAVEN, Conn., -- Scientists knew
a coil grown by a
single-cell protozoan is, gram for gram, more
powerful
than a car engine and now they find that's an
under-
estimation. The researchers at Whitehead Institute
--
together with colleagues at MIT; the Marine
Biological
Laboratory in Woods Hole, Mass.; and the University
of
Illinois-Chicago -- have found not only is the
fibrous
coil far stronger than previously thought, they've
also
discovered clues about the mechanism behind the
micro-
scopic powerhouse. "These findings are twofold,"
says
Danielle France, a graduate student in the lab
of
Whitehead Member Paul Matsudaira. "First, they give
us
an idea of how a cell can manage to generate such
enormous force; and second, they provide clues for how
engineers might reconstruct these mechanisms for nano-
scale
devices." France presented her findings during the
weekend at
the 45th annual meeting of the American
Society for Cell Biology
in San
Francisco.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alzheimer's
patients given testosterone
LOS ANGELES, -- UCLA
scientists say the first study of the
effects of testosterone on
the psychological health of men
with mild Alzheimer's disease
finds improvements. The im-
provement in mood and behavior was
assessed by caregivers.
However, researchers found no
significant differences in
memory or other cognitive skills, as
assessed by tests
administered by clinicians. Led by
neuroscientists at the
UCLA Alzheimer Disease Research Center,
the double blind,
placebo-controlled study found male Alzheimer
patients
treated with testosterone showed significant
improvement
on a quality-of-life instrument that encompasses
memory,
interpersonal relationships, physical health,
energy,
living situation and overall well-being compared
with
patients who received a placebo, or inactive,
medication.
"The results suggest testosterone replacement
therapy
holds potential for improving quality of life of
Alzheimer
patients and merits further testing...," said Dr. Po
Lu,
lead author and assistant clinical professor of
neurology
at UCLA.
**** ON
THIS DAY ****
CHRISTMAS WISH
"There's no such thing as
Santa," jeered the group of older boys"there isn't any reindeer, any elves or
magic toys.""Oh yes there is" I cried aloud, my little fists curled tight,"He's
on his way with loaded sleigh to visit us tonight."
"I made the most
important wish a boy could ever makeand I've been good for oh so long, been good
for goodness sake."And though the tears burned in my eyes, I swore I wouldn't
cry,I didn't want to be a man, but promised dad I'd try.
That night was
spent, just mom and me, like many nights before;the house was never quite the
same since dad went off to war.We had our Christmas dinner and we sang O Holy
Night,We read about that meany Grinch and cheered when he did right.
But
sadness showed within Mom's eyes as she stood by my bed,and tucked the covers to
my chin and kissed me on the head."Don't worry mom," I whispered "things are
gonna be all right.""We're sure to get our Christmas Wish when Santa comes
tonight."
I tried my best to stay awake and listen to the roof,for telltale
ring of jingle bells or clop of reindeer hoof.But snug and warm it wasn't long
before I gave a yawn,And would have gone to sleep but for the noise out on the
lawn.
Then came the clump of heavy boots across the hardwood floor,the tread
somehow familiar like I'd heard it once before.As quiet as a mouse I crept, my
eyes flew wide to seethe silhouette that stood alone before the Christmas
tree.
His frame was lean and fit, he had no belly big and round,the heavy
sack a duffle that he placed upon the ground.He didn't wear a stitch of red, the
uniform was green,And not a single jingle bell, just medals could be
seen.
And then the strongest arms on earth wrapped 'round and held me
tight,and I knew then that Santa really rode on Christmas night,and Christmas
Wishes did come true, just like I knew they had,For Santa came on Christmas
night and brought me home my dad.May all your Christmas Wishes come true ~ and
your loved one comes home safe and sound.
We are the land of the free
because we are the home of the Brave!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba
says:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a
conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "PITCH"
them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." ... and we ain't given our
secrets
away to no Yankees.
Only a Southerner can show or point out to
you the general direction of
"yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how
long "directly" is - as in: "Going
to town, be back directly." The Cornish
also know this secret, but they
'ain't tellin' either.
Even Southern
babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular
sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the
table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the
term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows
instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got
trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad.
If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large
banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and
"a right far piece." They also know that "just down
the road" can be 1
mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and
understands the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white
trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner
knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
Only
Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do
"queues," we do
"lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
In the South,
'y'all' is singular....'all y'all" is plural.
Southerners know grits come
from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs,
bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also
a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast
food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you
know you
are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true
Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need
for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk"
means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you
don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the
freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"
and go your own way.
To those of
you who are still a little embarrassed by our Southerness:
Take two tent
revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your
heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all
this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have
classes on Southernness as a Second Language!
And last but
certainly not least, for those that are NOT born Southern
but have lived here
for a long, long time, all y'all need a sign to hang
on y'alls front porch
that reads "I ain't originally from the South, but
I got here as fast as I
could."
Bless your hearts, all y'all have a good 'un (blessed
day)!
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
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**** COUNTRY
CALANDER ****
1891 A.P. Carter born in Scott County, Va.
1902 Costume designer Nudie Cohen, inventor of the
rhine-
stone suit, born in Kiev, Ukraine
1913 Kenneth Pitts of the Light Crust Doughboys born in San
Simon, Ariz.
1914 Singer-songwriter Red River Dave
McEnery born in San
Antonio, Texas
1921
Mitchell Burt "B." Lilly, of the Lilly Brothers, born
in Clear
Creek, W.Va.
1928 Grand Ole Opry member Ernie Ashworth born
in Huntsville,
Ala.
1928 Jerry Wallace born
in Guilford, Mo.
1929 Mandolinist/singer William Eugene
"Red" Rector born in
Marshall, N.C.
1962 Ned Miller's recording of "From a Jack to a King"
debuted on the chart
1987 Mandolinist Tiny
Moore died at the age of 67
1959 The Everly
Brothers recorded "Let It Be Me" in New York
City, the first
time they recorded outside of Nashville
1955
Johnny Cash's classic "Folsom Prison Blues" was released
on Sun
Records
1944 Hank Williams wed Audrey Sheppard
Guy
1979 Alan Jackson married his high school
sweetheart,
Denise
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Toby Keith Titles
Album White Trash With Money
Toby Keith's first
album for his own record label will be
titled White Trash With
Money. "Get Drunk and Be Somebody,"
an anthem that serves as the
project's initial single, will
be delivered to country radio
stations on Tuesday. Keith
launched his record company, Show Dog
Nashville, in
September following stints on the Polydor, Mercury
and
DreamWorks labels. White Trash With Money will be
released
in spring 2006. His Big Throwdown tour kicks off Jan.
20 in
Portland, Ore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parton's Song Nominated for Golden Globe
Award
Dolly Parton's "Travelin' Thru" has been
nominated for a
Golden Globe award for best original song in a
motion
picture. Nominations were announced Tuesday morning.
The
song comes from Transamerica, which also secured
a
nomination for actress Felicity Huffman, who plays
a
transgendered woman who learns she's the parent of a
long
lost 17-year-old son. The Golden Globes are presented
by
the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The
awards
ceremony takes place March 5 in
Hollywood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Amy's Kitchen ****
Easier
Than Apple Pie
1 refrigerated pie crust
1
egg white, lightly beaten
3/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1
tablespoon Ground Cinnamon
4 cups thinly sliced peeled apples (about 4
medium)
1 teaspoon sugar
Preheat oven to 425?°F. Prepare crust as
directed on package. Place
on foil-lined 12-inch pizza pan. If necessary,
press out any folds or
creases. Brush crust with about 1/2 of the beaten egg
white.
Mix 3/4 cup sugar, cornstarch and cinnamon in medium bowl. Toss
with
apples. Spoon into center of crust, spreading to within 2 inches
of
edges. Fold 2-inch edge of crust up over apples, pleating or folding
crust as needed. Brush crust with remaining egg white; sprinkle with
1
teaspoon sugar.
Bake 20 minutes or until apples are tender. Cool slightly
before
serving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chocolate
Candy Cane Cake
1
package (2-layer size) chocolate cake mix, any
variety 1 package
( 3 oz.,4-serving size)
JELL-O Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie
Filling 4 eggs 1
container (8 oz.) KNUDSEN Sour Cream
1/2 cup
vegetable oil 1/2
cup water 4 squares BAKER'S Semi-Sweet
Baking
Chocolate, chopped
18 small
candy canes, coarsely crushed (about 1 cup), divided
Frosting:
1 tub (8 oz. ) COOL WHIP
Whipped Topping, thawed
1 package vanilla instant pudding (3
oz,4-serving size )
1/4 cup confectioners sugar
1 cup
milk
PREHEAT oven to 350?°F. Lightly grease 2 (9-inch)
round cake pans. Beat
cake mix, dry pudding mix, eggs, sour cream, oil
and water in large bowl with
electric mixer on low speed just until
moistened, scraping side of bowl
frequently. Beat on medium speed 2
min. or until well blended. Stir in chopped
chocolate and 2
Tablespoons of the crushed candy canes. Spoon batter into
prepared
pan. BAKE 50 min. to 1 hour or until toothpick inserted near
center
comes out clean. Cool in pan 10 min. on wire rack. Loosen cake
from side of pan
with spatula or knife. Invert cake onto rack; gently
remove pan. Cool
completely on wire rack. PLACE 1 of
the cake layers on serving plate. Spread evenly
with the whipped
topping. Top with remaining cake layer. Frost top and side
of cake
with remaining whipped topping. Garnish with remaining crushed candy
canes. Cut into 18 slices to serve.
Serve drizzled with
additional melted semi-sweet chocolate and topped with
raspberries, if
desired.
Note:
I suggest waiting until you serve the cake to add the
candy canes, also
lining the bottom of your cake pan with greased
parchment will help from the cake
sticking to the
pan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cream Cheese
Mints
One package (3 ounces) softened cream cheese
1/2
teaspoon liquid peppermint flavor
3 cups powdered sugar
Candy paper
cups
Food coloring (optional)
Directions:
Mix together cream
cheese and peppermint flavor. Gradually add 2 to 2-1/2
cups powdered
sugar. Knead until no longer sticky.
Divide into portions (one for
each color). Knead in food colors of your
choice.
Shape into
3/4 inch thick balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Flatten balls w/ a
fork
(or press your thumb into the center).
For Christmas:
Set in
Christmas candy papers. Let dry at room temperature. Store loosely
covered in fridge.
Recipe makes six to seven dozen
mints.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eggnog
Cheesecake
Eggnog Cheesecake
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup cold water
8 oz. softened cream cheese
1/4 cup sugar
1
cup Eggnog
1 cup whipping cream, whipped
Crust Ingredients:
1 cup
graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/4 cup
margarine-melted
Crust: Combine graham cracker crumbs, sugar, nutmeg and
margarine; press
onto bottom of 9-inch spring-form pan and set
aside.
Cake: Soften gelatin in water; stir over low heat until
dissolved.
Combine cream cheese and sugar at medium speed on electric mixer
until
well blended. Gradually add gelatin and eggnog, mixing until
blended.
Chill until slightly thickened; fold in whipped cream. Pour over
crust;
chill until firm.
Makes 10 servings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
What is the difference between a fast and a
slow metabolism?
![]() Your metabolism is the rate at
which your body burns calories to sustain life. Metabolism is
relative to your muscle mass, so if you don't have much muscle, your body does
not need to burn as many calories to maintain all of the processes (breathing,
pumping blood, moving fluids hither and thither) necessary to sustain life. A
faster metabolism (i.e. more muscle mass), will let you eat more calories each
day without gaining weight, because all of the calories are used up trying to
maintain the body and do not go towards long term storage in fat. Your
metabolism is also affected by other things, such as physical activity
(increases metabolism), eating smaller meals more frequently (increases
metabolism), stress (decreases metabolism), good hydration (increases
metabolism), etc.
****
WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
Some snow
showers for Thursday night and a bit colder with lows in the
mid 20`s.
Friday will be a little colder and some snow flurries will be
possible. The
weekend starts will partly sunny skies and highs in the
mid 30`s on
Saturday. A weak system could move through by Saturday night
and Sunday with
some light snow possible. High pressure moves in early
next week with cold
and dry weather. That high will dominate our weather
through most of next
week with cooler than normal weather and no snow.
There is a chance of a
brief warm up right before Christmas. The odds of
a white Christmas this
year are not looking very good.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
The first 1/2 of December has brought temperatures 9.1 degres BELOW
normal and already 7" of snow!
Thursday Night
Snow
Showers
Low 25
Friday
Clouds / Sun, Snow Flurries
Friday
NIght
Partly Cloudy
Low 22
Saturday
Partly Sunny
HIgh
35
Low 22
Sunday
Light Snow Possible
HIgh 30
Low 22
Monday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 27
Low 15
Tuesday
Partly
Sunny
HIgh 33
Low 16
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 35
Low
18
Thursday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 34
Low 20
****A
PARTING THOUGHT ****
The only way
to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't
like, and do what you'd rather not.
TOON
TIME
Do Not feed Bears
http://buffalosjokes.com/21075.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21075.htm ">
Here!</a>
Bound And Gagged
http://buffalosjokes.com/21073.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21073.htm ">
Here!</a>
1/2 Price
http://buffalosjokes.com/21072.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21072.htm ">
Here!</a>
Will you look at ....
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1155.html
Deer John Letter
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/016.htm
Perfect
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21081.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21081.htm ">
Here!</a>
Pokemon Plane
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21079.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21079.htm ">
Here!</a>
Beer, Cola, Parachute
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21080.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21080.htm ">
Here!</a>
Pimp Bike
http://buffalosjokes.com/21071.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21071.htm
"> Here!</a>
No Parking
http://buffalosjokes.com/21070.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21070.htm
"> Here!</a>
Marriage
http://buffalosjokes.com/21066.htm
<a
href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/21066.htm
"> Here!</a>
about Stamina
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1156.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1156.html">Here!</a>
Mr
Ed At The North Pole
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/015.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/015.htm">
Here </a>
Australian Fly
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21078.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21078.htm
"> Here!</a>
Ozone
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21076.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21076.htm
"> Here!</a>
Nice Piercing
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21077.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21077.htm
"> Here!</a>
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
There was a man driving down the road behind an
18 wheeler, at every
stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back
and bang on the
trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a
row the
motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When
they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped
out
and
started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him
and
said,
"I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that
door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20
tons of
canaries and a 10 ton limit, so i have to keep half of them flying
at
all
times."
That's all
folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
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are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
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