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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
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These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY DECEMBER 19,2005 A man said to his son, "It's
time we had a little talk my son. Soon you If Your Main Tool Is A Big Hammer Then All Problems Resemble A Nail ~ I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I realized that most people die of natural causes. - There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. - Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? - Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? - Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? - Pushing the elevator button more than once doesn't make it arrive faster ~
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Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Bizarre Label Instructions On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oops, They Did It Again - and Got Fired DALLAS, Texas - Last week two Dallas disc jockeys, Keith Kramer and Tony Longo (aka Kramer & Twitch from the "Extreme Night Time Radio" show), fabricated a story about pop princess Britney Spears and her NSync boyfriend Justin Timberlake being in an accident. They reported Spears died, while Timberlake remained in a coma. Shortly after, the Los Angeles police and fire department were swamped with calls from fans and news reporters trying to confirm the story. The disc jockeys were fired this week for the hoax even though they claim to have had clearance to run the story from the program director. Mean- while, a spokesman for Jive Records have said representatives of Spears and Timberlake are considering legal action against the DJs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man Throws Loveable Puppet A Smack Down LANGHORNE, Pa - Lee McPhatter's 3-year-old daughter Mina was going to take a picture with the Cookie Monster at the Sesame Place theme park, whether the Cookie Monster wanted to or not. When the woman inside the fuzzy blue suit tried to push the little girl aside, McPhatter supposedly pushed her to the ground and then kicked her in the head and back. People started yelling at him for brutalizing the lovable children's entertainer, but McPhatter says he did not kick or punch the Cookie Monster. That is not the story of actress Jennie McNelis who police say suffered bruised ribs and a cervical sprain. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Chalupa' Criminal Charges Cops FORT WORTH, Texas. Now here's a Taco Bell promotion in the making. Lakount Maddox, 17, allegedly tried to hold up a Taco Bell restaurant in Fort Worth shortly after midnight. Employ- ees claim the young man was riding a bicycle when he appar- ently brandished a gun and demanded the cash in the register. He also ordered a chalupa to go. What he didn't know was while one restaurant worker prepared his meal, another em- ployee was calling 911. When the police arrived, Maddox was still waiting outside the window waiting for his food. He then charged at the officers on his bicycle and waved what was later identified as a toy pellet gun at them. He was shot twice, one in the arm and once in the leg, and was taken to a local hospital where he was listed in good condition. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| It's Raining...Stork Nests? TURKENHEIM, France - You may have heard of stork's dropping babies on doorsteps, but have you ever heard of stork nests dropping on people? A 70-year-old woman was sitting on the terrace of the Restaurant de la tour, in Turkeheim, when the huge nest crashed through the restaurant canopy and onto the victims head. The nest apparently fell from a tower over- looking the restaurant in the historic old city. Two storks and their babies were in the nest, but the police have not given details about their condition. No other humans were seriously injured in the incident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 62-year-old Has Brother's Baby FRANCE - A 62-year-old woman caused a commotion in France last month when she became the oldest known woman to give birth. Back in the news again, the woman claims the father of her baby girl is her brother. The woman, Jeanine, underwent in- vitro fertilization in the United States -- using the egg of an American woman and, reportedly, sperm donated by her 52-year-old brother, Robert. "I could no longer transmit my genetic inheritance because of my age," Jeanine told Le Parisien newspaper. "So I wanted to transmit his, and give birth so our (genetic) line would continue." She told the newspaper she had no regrets about her decision to have a test-tube baby with her brother. "I have not committed any moral error in my pursuit, and I have no problem with my conscience," she told the paper. No news yet on if she will appear on Jerry Springer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Teen survives bizarre knife-in-head accidentWhen the Scout leader tried to stop the boy's fall, the knife, which was hanging from the leader's glove, flew about 16 feet behind him.Kevin says he saw the knife flying through the air right before it lodged in his forehead. He knew the knife was stuck in his head "because I saw and felt it." At that point, Kevin started to hyperventilate, a situation which most definitely could have made the matter worse. Because it was dark, the leader who first reached Kevin did not initially see the knife in the boy's forehead. But sensing that something was terribly wrong, the leader quickly laid the teen onto the grass. "They came back and told us the knife had actually gone through our son's sinus cavity, then into his brain and lodged there," Bryan said. "We were told that surgery would be required to remove the knife. Doctors said there was no telling what would happen if they pulled the knife out of our son's head. Pulling it out could have severed a major blood vessel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Koizumi finds new way to work -- by Segway scooterJapanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has found a new way to get to work thanks to a gift from his close friend President George W. Bush -- a Segway scooter. The media-savvy premier rode from his residence to his nearby office on the next-generation scooter, which Bush gave him during a visit to Japan last month. "This is nice," said Koizumi, proudly showing his skill to Environment Minister Yuriko Koike who was in the office lobby. "I'm beginning to learn how to ride this better." Bush in the past has been less proficient -- he was caught on camera in 2003 falling off a Segway. The Segway, which went on sale in the United States in March 2002, is purported to be able to revolutionize transport by using gyroscopes, computers and electric motors to cruise at up to 19 kilometers (12 miles) per hour. But it has not made a splash in Japan, which bans its use on
public streets. Poached frogs anyone? That'll cost in FranceFour men who illegally profited from France's food fetish for fried frog's legs were convicted for poaching thousands of the amphibians and selling them to restaurateurs. A court in Vesoul, eastern France, found the four guilty of setting traps in the Vosges region near the German border dotted with lakes between 2002 and 2004 and selling the frogs for between 23 and 32 euro cents (27 and 38 US cents) each. Such an activity is reserved for licenced froggers in France. The judge ordered the ringleader, a 55-year-old former cook, to pay a 1,000-euro fine. His son was fined 500 euros, and two accomplices were made to pay 450 euros and 150 euros respectively. Their frog-trapping gear was also confiscated. The gang was spotted by a ranger and put under wiretap surveillance in May 2004. After warrants were issued, raids turned up 65 frog-traps, leading to their prosecution.
"Always Believe in
MIRACLES"
Three years ago, a little boy and his
grandmother came to see Santa at
Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl. "Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend? Your sister?" "Yes, Santa," he replied. "My sister,
Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly.
Santa glanced over at the grandmother who
was waiting nearby, and saw
her dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "She wanted to come with me to see you,
oh, so very much, Santa!" the
child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly. Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged
a smile to the boy's face,
asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas. When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted. "What is it?" Santa asked warmly.
"Well, I know it's really too much to ask
you, Santa, but ..." the old
woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors. "The girl in the photograph .. my granddaughter .. well, you see .. she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa ... any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa." Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told
the woman to leave
information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "this is the least I can do." When Santa finished visiting with all the
boys and girls that evening,
he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital. "Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on
his face.
Santa relayed to him the conversation
with Sarah's grandmother earlier
that day. "C'mon .... I'll take you there," Rick said softly. Rick drove them to the hospital and came
inside with Santa. They found
out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall. Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed. The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah. Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, ho, ho!" "Santa!" shrieked little Sarah weakly, as
she tried to escape her bed
to run to him, IV tubes in tact. Santa rushed to her side and gave her a
warm hug. A child the tender
age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room. As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year. As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels. "Oh, yes, Santa ... I do!" she exclaimed.
"Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch
over you,"he said. Laying one
hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing softly, "Silent Night, Holy Night .... all is calm, all is bright." The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all. When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own. "Now, Sarah," he said authoritatively,
"you have a job to do, and that
is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at Mayfair Mall this time next year!" He knew it was risky proclaiming that, to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE. "Yes, Santa!" Sarah exclaimed, her eyes
bright.
He leaned down and kissed her on the
forehead and left the room. Out in
the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed. Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him. "My only child is the same age as Sarah,"
he explained quietly. "This
is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him. One year later, Santa Mark was again back
on the set in Milwaukee for
his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap. "Hi, Santa! Remember me?!" "Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as
he always does), smiling down at her.
After all, the secret to being a "good"
Santa is to always make each
child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment. "You came to see me in the hospital last
year!" Santa's jaw dropped.
Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and
he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest.
"Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes. That was the best Christmas ever for
Santa Claus. He had witnessed
--and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope. This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Miracle by Bill Richer Permission granted by author A man now, he narrated this story as he was a boy at the time in 1944. The Battle of the Bulge was at its height. A German cook who was with the German Army there had left his wife and the above mentioned little boy in a shack way in the woods seemingly from harm's way. It was December 24th, Christmas Eve and it was a very cold night. Many soldiers on both sides became lost from their units and were looking for a place to stay. Three American Soldiers were lost around the area where the shack was. They saw the light from the shack and the smoke from the chimney. They saw their chance to warm up. They knocked on the door and asked if they could come in. The German lady had a small chicken cooking for themselves but invited the Americans in to warm up and for the Christmas meal. One of the American Soldiers was wounded and the lady tried to make him comfortable. There was a language barrier for a time till one of the soldiers found out the lady could speak French as well as German! So everything was going well and the Americans were feeling right at home! Then suddenly there was a knock at the door. The American's went for their guns. The lady went to the door and answered it. There were four German soldiers who were lost from their unit and they asked the lady for shelter. The lady answered them with this, "Yes, you can come in for Christmas dinner but I have other guests." One German soldier remarked, "Americana." She said, "yes and that this was Christmas and there would be killing on this night." She also told the Germans that they would have to lay down their weapons while they came in. She instructed the Americans to do the same! There they were all in the room together, soldiers who a little while ago were bent on killing each other. Now, they were in a room together with no weapons. Everyone could feel the tension in the air. It was so quiet for about ten minutes. Then one American soldier offered the Germans a cigarette. They obliged! Suddenly one of the Germans who had medical training asked about the wounded American. He then began to help the wounded American and made him as comfortable as he could be. Suddenly, Christmas dinner was ready and before they ate the lady had a speech for them. She told them that war was wrong and told them the beauty of Christmas day and what it all meant. (Of course she said in German to the Germans and French to the Americans). All the soldiers had tears in the eyes, even the tough German Sergeant. So with that they ate and from an uneasy friendship was built a genuine friendship in Christ that night. Later on the soldiers all sang Silent Night in their own native tongues. So later on the former enemies all went to sleep under the same roof. In the morning the Germans built a stretcher for the wounded American and even gave directions to the Americans on how to get back to their lines. The Germans took the lady and her son back to the German lines to bring them to her husband. So, for one night in a great battle, Christ's peace was in the hearts of these nine people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Congress' Night Before Christmas"
"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves. They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink. And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!" They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent. They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more -- bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!) Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!), Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet. If all workers decided what they were due, they'd be getting those fat paychecks too! But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all, our millionaire Congress decides on the budget land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say. In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking. With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets, we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets! Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy? If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone. As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, let the road of your anger mount to the sky. Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget! When election times comes -- and certain it will -- you're voting him out for passing that bill. More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd. And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand, "Merry Christmas to us, and the public be
damned! **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brooks & Dunn are used to headlining shows. They have
for many years, but come the end of January, they're going to be the opening act
for the Rolling Stones.
Marty Stuart, Travis Tritt and eight time International
Bluegrass Music Association (IBMA) Entertainer of the Year the Del McCoury Band
will be the line-up for the Grand Ole Opry show at "Country: A Celebration of
America's Music," a festival that will run March 22 - April 9, 2006 at the John
F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington.
Carrie Underwood's "Some Hearts" continued leading the
country album chart on Billboard for the week ending Dec. 24, while Dierks
Bentley took over the song chart with "Come a Little Closer," replacing Joe
Nichols' "Tequila Makes Clothes Fall Off," which fell to third.
Martina McBride's "Timeless," an album of country classic
covers, went platinum, the quickest album ever of hers to do so.
Rounder Records signed bluegrass music Bobby
Osborne to a record deal, the label announced Wednesday.
Is it disrespectful to attend a funeral not
wearing black? Strange Breed Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 also Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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