"I'm afraid you only have three weeks to live," the doctor  
told his patient.  

The patient replied, "Then I'll take the last two weeks in  
July and the week between Christmas and New Year." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was pushing her newborn baby in a carriage, when an old friend
approached her.
-
The friend leaned over, peered into the carriage and commented, "What a
beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father."
-
"I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my
husband!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Theft

The two partners that owned and operated a rope tow at a popular
Colorado ski resort, were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers
sneaking onto the ski lift. -
-
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow,
while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to
the head of the line.
-
His partner, operating the tow promptly called him back, "Hey you,
where's your lift ticket?"
-
"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow." was the reply.
-
At this response, the partner produced an ax, and with two blows, deftly
chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis, just ahead of his toes.
-
With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the tow operator lowered
his ax and turned to the crowd,
-
"Anyone else out there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tired traveling sales rep pulled into a hotel around midnight. After a
long
day on the road he asked the clerk for a single room. As the clerk was
filling out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blonde sitting alone in the lobby.
-
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a
few minutes he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "What a surprise,
meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double
room for the night."
-
The next morning, after his overnight sleep aide has left, he has
breakfast and goes to the check-out counter to settle his bill, and
finds that he has been billed for an amount over $3000.
-
"What's the meaning of this?" he complains to the clerk. "There's
obviously been some mistake, I've only been here one night!"
-
"Yes," replies the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursing home in Ireland has opened a pub for its patients.
-
American nursing homes are expected to do the same,
-
but only because their patients can't afford their prescription
painkillers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the guys down at Fisherman's Pier was complining during half time
that he was contatly being told by his shrewish wife that she was going
to dance on his grave.
-
He took a pull on his Bud and commented, "Just wait til she finds out
that I have made arrangements for a burial at sea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YEAR: 1981  
1. Prince Charles got married.  
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe  
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.  
4. Pope died.  


YEAR: 2005  
1. Prince Charles got married.  
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe  
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.  
4. Pope died.  

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody  
please warn the Pope! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Potato Story


You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had
eyes
for each other, and finally hey got married, and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told
her

about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name
for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so
as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.

And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't
get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that
say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University)
so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and
announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't
possibly
marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a... just a... just a

COMMON TATER!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uncle Festus
Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his
Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations,
they were required to sleep together.

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the
side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to
present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with
his
head bowed.

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign
in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and
says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room,
ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the
back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes
her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and
asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner
tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually
catches up with the first blonde. They float side by
side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do
they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For our tenth anniversary, my husband had given me a beautiful ring. I decided to have it engraved with the words "Ten to forever." Impulsively I called him at work to tell him what I was going to do. His silence at the other end was puzzling until I mentally replayed what I had announced: "'Ten to life'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country
club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you
my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."

And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10
dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."

To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the
showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told
you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I
will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home
now and check to see if I'm at home."

Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know
that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you
know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to
go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know
that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse,
he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a
cellphone,
right, he can just call home to check!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Christmas Divorce"

A man in  Phoenix calls his son in New York a week before  Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your holiday season, but I have to tell  you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is  enough.