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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is
easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 21,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Please add one more card
to your Christmas Card List
! This is a great idea
!
I'll Spend $ .37 To Help make the point please
do the same !
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a
CHRISTMAS CARD! As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS
part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to
brighten up their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas"
on it.
Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude.
(It's Not the Christian Way ya know?)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor New York,
NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their
operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing
contributions.. So spend
37 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas
alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a Holiday Tree. . . . It's
a Christmas Tree even in the
fields!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road
one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About
an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand,
an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the
driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine,
and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to
me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked
Hillary.
The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's
driver, and I just killed the old cow."
~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~
Three cowboys, a
Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were
sitting around a campfire
smoking, drinking and having a good
time. The Texan takes a full bottle of
the finest tequila,
throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces.
The
Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show,
and ask
"Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just
drawled "Where I come
from, we got a lot of those."
Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches
in his saddle bag
and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine
there
is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and
shoots
it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan,
but the Californian is
quick to point out "Where I come from,
we've got a lot of those."
Next
the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew
beer that Portland
makes. He throws the bottle high up in the
air, takes out his gun, shoots the
Californian, catches the
bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified,
the Texan
asks why he would go and do a thing like that.
"Well, where
I come from, we got a lot of those, but the
bottle's worth a
nickel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that they are retired, my mother and
father are
discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if
I
die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said
that she'd probably look
for a house sharing situation with three other
single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she
is
so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I
die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same
thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he was standing in line at the
grocery store
checkout counter, a friend of Jack's noticed he
was
purchasing a dozen roses and a card.
"You in trouble with Jill?"
the friend asked Jack.
"Nope!" was Jack's reply. "Preventive
maintenance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jewish man falls in
love with a Native American woman
and they decide to get married. When his
mother hears the news,
however, she is extremely distressed because she
wanted him,
of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.
When she hears
that not only is he marrying this Native American
girl but has decided to
live with her on the reservation, the
mother becomes so upset that she
refuses to even speak to the boy,
practically disowning him.
After a
year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he
and his wife are
expecting a child. The mother is happy for him,
but there is still quite a
bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother
again. "Mom," he says,
just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave
birth to a
healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've
talked it
over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish
name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this
is
wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my
life.
You have made me the happiest woman in the world."
That's great, Mom,"
replies the son.
And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's
name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked
Whitefish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Spain, a priest upset over the
ringing of cell phones during Mass has
installed an electronic jammer in his
church to prevent the distraction
-
Can you just picture God
walking around the heavens saying, "Can you
hear me now? Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apartment
Rental
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl
and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with
her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with
him,
but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to
her,
calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the
office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not
worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and
enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find
a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty
of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the
note,
the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following
note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat,
there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in
full or we will be forced to
contact your present
landlady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Truckin'
My son's pick-up
was involved in three minor accidents over several
years. Each time he had a
different part of the truck repaired.
-
The last time, when he asked what
it would cost to repaint the front end
the only portion not yet touched, the
mechanic suggested,
-
"Why don't you just paint a bull's eye on
it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Londoner, stopped on the M 1 by
police for drunken driving, was
required to submit to a new testing machine
which registered a
staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.
-
"Your machine must be on the blink," insisted the Londoner. "My wife's
a
teetotaler. Try it on her." The police obliged and again the
machine
showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level. "Now I KNOW
your
machine's out of order," cried the driver.
-
"To prove it, let
our little baby blow into the thing." The baby's
breath was sampled, and sure
enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.
-
Sheepishly, the policeman
tore up the complaint.
-
Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his
wife, "That was one
wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs
of gin before
we left the pub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short on time for
Christmas gifts?
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life,
these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit.
This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This
highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier
now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year.
$25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard
to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz
bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly
good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new
filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat.
Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this
item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES
available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod
Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8.
Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
From $2.99
9.
Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order.
$14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11.
Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing
Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only
kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15.
Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for
tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17.
Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly,
(long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black
box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This
product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper
Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are
reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept
secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut
and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read
signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square
ft.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Nursing Home for Me
About 2
years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean
aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly
lady sitting
alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I
also
noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,
etc., all
seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the
lady
was,
expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he
only knew
that
she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to
back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to
say
hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on
this ship for
the
last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I
stated, "I don't
understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper
than a
nursing
home".
So, there will be no nursing home in
my future. When I get old and
feeble, I
am going to get on a Princess
Cruise Ship. The average cost for a
nursing
home is $200 per day. I have
checked on reservations at Princess and I
can
get a long term discount
and senior discount price of $135 per day. That
leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I
will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant,
or
I can have room service! (which means I can have breakfast in bed
every
day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming
pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and
shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a
patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to
help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for
your
inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and
you don't even have to ask for
them.
9. If you fall in the
nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare;
if
you fall and break a
hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of
your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South
America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name
where you want to
go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So
don't look for me in a nursing
home, just call shore to ship.
PS - And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side at
no charge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grave Stones
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann
Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an
old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a
Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted
bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a
wife, And
the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here
lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown,
Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on
the
gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on
the trigger But
slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, And that
is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph
in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in
Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body
of our Anna, Done to death by a
banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her
low, But
the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the
1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies
the body of
Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease
shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man,
as you walk by, As you are now, so once
was I. As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and
follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on
the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way
you
went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a math trick that might get you
thinking...
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one
in
your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area
code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5.
Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7.
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract
250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the
answer?
~~~~~~~~~Rita~~~~~~~~~
Take Out
Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout,
and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a
handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew,
he hears a voice say, "That's a
beautiful tie, is that silk?
Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment,
he looks around and doesn't see
\anyone nearby who could be speaking to him.
With a shrug, he pops
a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next
he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man.
Are they Italian
leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no
one near him. He glances
nervously around and then at his shoes, which he
tucks self-consciously
under the stool.
A little freaked out,
he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the
voice continues with,
"That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very
nice!"
He
immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing
these
voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -
what's
up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh,"
the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The
PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside
him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're
complimentary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and
large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
Because she has her Master
Charge!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He rubbed her here,
and He rubbed
her there.
He touched her neck,
Then felt her breast,
Then drooling,
felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous
cry,
The hole was wide........
He looked inside,
All was dark and
murky,
He rubbed his hands,
And stretched his arms.........
And then
he stuffed the turkey.
May I be
among the first to wish your dirty little
mind a Merry
Christmas!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My boss is without peer when it comes
to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow.
But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different
story.
We were attending a court case in which we were
prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is
making these
allegations?"
My boss stood up
and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Not that I need reminding, but time
flies much too fast.
When I was a teenager, I used to whine to
my parents, "Just
once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert
before I die."
The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring
rock star,
blew my mind with this: "Dad, I'd like to see
Aerosmith just
once before they die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Over the weekend President Bush said that he's
afraid the
United States has an image problem in the Middle
East. An
image problem? New Jersey has an image problem, we have
a
dilemma." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The federal government has asked that people not
return
to New Orleans yet because the city still is not
safe.
The government then went on to say the same thing
about
Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." --Conan
O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why does Santa wear red
underwear?
A. He's a man--he did all his laundry in one
load.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Time" has named former
Presidents Bush and Clinton the
partners of the year. These two
are now so close they're
thinking about making a cowboy movie."
--Dave Letterman
****
Quickies ****
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So,
I'm wearing my garage door opener.
~
You know, I spent a fortune on
deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~
I was
thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on
the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
~
~I have gotten that
dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your
drawers!
~
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?"
~
Just once I
want to say, "No, it's for company!"
~
Employment application blanks
always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you
should write, "A Good Doctor!"
~
Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these
men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest
them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it
dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just
hoping God grades on the curve.
~
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
Alaska Man Builds 16-Foot Snowzilla
With the help of his kids and neighbors, Billy Ray Powers built
more than just a snowman ??” they've dubbed his 16-plus-foot-tall creation
"Snowzilla."
After using up all the snow in the family's yard, they turned to
neighbors' yards and carried buckets on sleds. They hand-packed the snowman like
an ice-cream cone.
"It's solid ice," he said. "I put the arms in with my power
drill."
It took a month to complete the project. It was too big to use
buttons for its eyes, so Snowzilla gazes over the neighborhood from beer
bottles.
Powers says the project took on a life of its own as it got
bigger and bigger. Now Snowzilla is attracting plenty of sightseers.
"People stop by, and they're just flabbergasted," said neighbor
Darrell Estes. "They walk up and knock on it to make sure it's real snow, not
Styrofoam."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Investigators: Men Grew Pot Inside Cave
Investigators described a marijuana-growing operation discovered
inside a cave in Trousdale County as something out of a James Bond
movie.
"It's pretty amazing what they had under there ??” water for
irrigation, special lighting, devices to keep the humidity just right. These
guys were professionals. They knew what they were doing," said District Attorney
General Tommy Thompson of Hartsville.
The cave was beneath a stylish A-frame home where authorities
say three men were able to grow as much as 100 pounds of marijuana every eight
weeks.
"They could grow in 60 days what it would take four and a half
months to grow outside," Thompson said. "It's just unbelievable what they've
done. It's like something out of a James Bond movie."
Arrested on Wednesday were Brian Gibson and Greg Compton, while
a third man, Fred Strunk, was arrested near Gainesville, Fla.
All three are in jail, with Gibson and Compton being held in the
Trousdale County Jail. Bail was set for Gibson and Compton at $5 million, while
Strunk's was set at $15 million, Thompson said. Local authorities were in
Florida on Saturday to return Strunk to Tennessee.
The investigation began about five years ago when a home was
built above the cave, but it never appeared anyone lived there, Thompson
said.
"The front of the cave used to be a hole that you'd crawl into,
and it opened up into a pretty big room that was 20-feet high. They cut the side
of the hill so you could just drive right into the cave," he said.
The cave, reached from the house via secret entrances, is said
to be about two miles long, but the marijuana operation was located about 100
yards inside. Thompson said the other end of the cave had been blocked to keep
trespassers out.
According to the prosecutor, the men told locals they were going
to be mining statuary rock.
To harvest the illegal crop, Thompson said the men would hire a
half-dozen Hispanic workers in Arizona and drive them to Tennessee. For part of
the journey the windows on the van would be covered so the workers did not know
where they were.
"They would drive right into the cave and let them out to begin
working," Thompson said.
Bad Santa: Do you want this man in YOUR chimney?
By Erik Kirschbaum1 hour, 47 minutes ago
Drunken Santas on a rampage in New Zealand, armed
German robbers in Santa disguises, a British St. Nick wanted for flashing, and a
Swedish vandal in a Santa outfit are giving the big man in red a bad name this
year.
Reports of "Bad Santas" breaking the law or
otherwise wreaking havoc have been circulating around the world.
Armed with a gun, a man in a Santa outfit held up a
furniture store in the German town of Ludwigshafen Saturday and forced two
cashiers to open the safe. He filled his sack with cash, locked the two women in
the safe and escaped.
He is still on the loose, but police in Tuebingen
were able to nab a bank robber armed with a machine gun in a Santa costume with
the aid of an infrared camera and helicopter. They found him hiding in a ditch
in a nearby forest.
"The machine gun was fake," a police spokesman
said. Dressed in a Santa cap, beard and wearing sun glasses, he was wanted for
stealing 500,000 euros in four separate bank robberies.
One Santa was stopped by police for driving 150 kph
(90 mph) on a northern German motorway, 50 kph over the speed limit.
"He said he was in a rush because he still had
packages to deliver," said a spokesman for the police. They gave Santa a fine
and took away his license.
Last week an inebriated half-naked Santa disrupted
a Christmas market in Dabringhausen before police intervened.
That incident paled in comparison to what happened
in Auckland Saturday when 40 drunken Santas rampaged through the city center,
stealing from stores and assaulting security guards in a protest against
Christmas becoming too commercial.
In Britain, police said they were looking for a
Santa acting suspiciously -- a flasher who exposed himself to women.
Officers in Swanage on the south coast of England
said the flasher had struck a number of times since December 6, and a week later
exposed himself whilst wearing a Santa Claus outfit.
A British agency recently issued a code of conduct
to root out substandard Santas. "Santa is a magical and cuddly man, not a fat,
smelly slob," said James Lovell of the Ministry of Fun agency in London. "He
must not smell of drink or body odor."
Last Christmas, a shopping center in south Wales
installed a webcam dubbed "Santacam" in his grotto to overcome parents' concerns
after several high-profile pedophile cases in Britain.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
HIGH BLOOD
PRESSURE LINKED TO DRINKING
As the holidays
approach, a U.S. study alerts drinkers that
drinking outside of
meals may be setting them up for high
blood pressure. The study,
published in the journal Hyper-
tension, has shown that
consuming alcohol mostly without
food is a significant risk
factor for developing hyper-
tension. The effect was present
even in people with light-
to-moderate alcohol intake, according
to lead researcher
Dr. Saverio Stranges at the University at
Buffalo in New
York state. "These findings support the notion
that in
addition to amount, the way in which alcohol is
consumed
may have important implications for health and,
in
particular, for cardiovascular disease," says
Stranges.
"It points out that drinking without food may
counteract
any benefit to the cardiovascular system associated
with
moderate alcohol consumption."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREEN LEAFY VEGETABLES PREVENT CATARACTS
An
Ohio State University study provides the first evidence
that
some antioxidants in dark leafy green vegetables can
help
prevent cataracts. Vitamin manufacturers often add the
antioxidants lutein and zeaxanthin to their products, but
there has been no biochemical evidence to support the claim
that these substances help protect the eyes, according to
Joshua Bomser, study co-author. The study, published in the
Journal of Nutrition, finds lutein and zeaxanthin -- anti-
oxidants found in plants such as kale, spinach and collard
greens -- helped to protect the cells from exposure to
ultraviolet light -- a leading cause of cataract
formation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELPFUL GIFTS FOR THOSE WITH ARTHRITIS
Mary Norman
of the Arthritis Foundation based in Atlanta
says there are
great gifts to help make life a little easier
for arthritis
sufferers. The Bionic Gardening Glove absorbs
stress, helps
reduce hand fatigue and allows those with
arthritis to play golf
or garden much longer because it
provides a better grip. Hand
Warmers are a non-toxic,
environmentally friendly, odorless heat
source that requires
no shaking; simply open the outer package
and expose the
packet to air -- best used in a pocket or glove.
Thermo Spas
in collaboration with the Arthritis Foundation have
created
a hot tub specifically to answer the therapeutic
needs,
safety concerns and easy usage requirements of those
with
arthritis.
**** Cool
Links ****
Xmas Gullibility Test
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/tests/xmasquiz/christmas.html
Grandpa
Schober's MIDI Files
http://www.grandpaschober.com/
**** ON THIS DAY ****
Father of
Fortune
By Ted Bosley
Once again, the Christmas season was upon us.
And once
again, my daughter Tania was asking, "What do you want for
Christmas,
Dad?"
"The usual," I replied. After twenty-three years,
she
knew that this meant boxer shorts and some happy socks, the kind
that
help that tender old bunion. These were Christmas rituals for
me.
In the small town of Peterborough, Ontario, where we lived,
life
had a certain rhythm, and the festive season was full of ritual.
After
living in Calgary for many years, I had returned to my hometown to
be near my
own aging dad, and life took on a fairly predictable sort of
rhythm. But this
particular year, my daughter, Tania, and her young
husband, Barry, changed
all that.
Every day for two weeks prior to Christmas, unable
to
contain her excitement, she repeatedly said, "You'll never guess,
but
you're going to love what we got you for Christmas!" The girl
was
relentless in her teasing and her quest for my reaction. She
was
determined that I should be impressed.
Now, I'm no Scrooge, so
please don't get me wrong. I'm
simply one of those individuals who's been
around for some time and
who's gotten a bit cynical and hard to impress. I
must admit,
however, that it was fun to watch and listen to her excitement
and
enthusiastic teasing day after day. Her joy and anticipation of
my
reaction to this special gift was contagious. By the morning
of
Christmas Eve, I had become more than a little curious.
At 11:00
a.m. on the 24th, my wife and I were asked to join
the kids for some
last-minute shopping. We elected to opt out. My
wife wanted to finish up her
own festive preparations, and old Dad,
well, I just wanted a cold beer and a
snooze. Four hours later, the
kids were back at the door, shopping mission
completed.
"We have your gift out in the car, Dad," Tania
exclaimed,
"and it's getting cold!"
We were then not asked, but
ordered to vacate the
premises. No, not just to another room, but upstairs
and out of sight
with an emphatic, "No peeking!" command. Heck, my old army
sergeant
was gentler. "Get out! Get out!" Tania ordered.
So,
obediently, we retreated upstairs.
The minutes passed in that odd kind of
anxious, wondering,
quiet anticipation that makes butterflies in your
stomach. We
strained our ears but couldn't hear anything.
"Big deal," I
grumped to myself. "I'm still not
impressed, but I'll play their silly
game."
Then we heard them hollering, "Okay, you can come
down
now!"
Descending the stairs, we were directed into the front
room
where the surprise Christmas gift was waiting to be opened.
Immediately, my excited daughter said, "No waiting until
Christmas
morning. Open it now!"
"Okay," I said. "This is highly
irregular, this is
breaking the ritual . . . but what the heck is it?" I
wondered out
loud. The three-foot-square, irregularly shaped lump over by the
tree
was smothered under blankets. Out came Tania's camera, and
the
guessing game started in earnest.
"Maybe it's a pinball machine,"
my wife offered.
"No, no," I said. "It's gotta be something
perishable,
otherwise they wouldn't have been so anxious to bring it in out
of the
cold. Maybe it's a crate of Florida oranges, or maybe it's a
puppy!"
By now, my daughter was about to explode with excitement,
and
I, too, had passed the stage of mildly curious, feeling somewhere
between
inquisitive and demanding.
"What on earth can it be?" I asked as I felt
the lumpy
object, looking for a clue. My daughter sharply rapped my
knuckles
with a classic, "Da-ad!"
Finally, we arrived at the
unveiling. "Okay," Tania
instructed us, "on the count of three both of you
grab a corner of the
blanket." She stood by with the camera, and even though
I was trying
my best to remain unimpressed, I'd by now reached an emotional
state
ranging from paranoia to frustration. My heartbeat sped. My wife
and
I lifted the blanket in one fell swoop, and the gift was exposed.
The
next few minutes were a blur. My heart pounded.
The blood rushed to my head.
My stomach contracted. My mind
jumbled. Overwhelmed with astonishment, I
thought, I can't believe my
eyes! Perhaps I am delusional! This is just not
possible!
The flash of my daughter's camera went off when, rising
up
out of that heap of blankets and wrapping me in an enormous bear hug
was
none other than my six-foot-two, one hundred and seventy-five
pound
first-born son Greg, home for Christmas for the first time in
nineteen
years!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day I had to get out my tools to fix something, and
later I
was thinking that sometimes people treat God the same way. They put
Him
away like a tool and get Him out when they need to fix something.
God
wants to be more then just our fix it man. He wants a deep and
personal
relationship with us. To find this to be true all we have to is read
the
bible. We are told over and over in the bible that's Gods loves us
and
wants us to love him. He loves us so much that He sent us His only
son
to come and show us the kind of love he has for us and wants us to
have
for him. God loves to hear about everything that happens in our
life
the good and the bad. Have you talked to God today?
Jesus Is the
reason for the season.
Please keep Christ in Christmas.
Many blessings
from my family to your family.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year To
All!
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****
2000 Eddy
Arnold is awarded a National Medal of the Arts
by President
Clinton in Washington, D.C.
1917 Charles
"Skeeter" Willis of the Willis Brothers born
in Coalton,
Okla.
1939 Banjo player Bill Keith born in Boston,
Mass.
1956 Session fiddler Rob Hajacos born in
Richmond, Va.
1997 Garth Brooks' single
"Longneck Bottle" went to No. 1
1980 Jack
Stapp, long-time WSM executive and music publisher,
died at age
68 in Nashville
1982 Producer Don Law died in La Marque,
Texas
1999 Country Music Hall of Fame member
Hank Snow died in
Nashville
1966 Johnny Horton's single of "The Battle of New Orleans"
certified gold
1986 Randy Travis joined the Grand Ole
Opry
1950 Lefty Frizzell debuted on the Grand Ole
Opry
1964 Johnny Cash recorded "Orange Blossom
Special" for
Columbia
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Brooks & Dunn to Open for Rolling Stones in
Omaha
Brooks & Dunn will
open for the Rolling Stones on Jan. 29
in Omaha, Neb. Kix Brooks
said, "You gotta pinch yourself
to think you're sharing a stage
with the greatest rock
band in history, but the bottom line is
it's guaranteed
the Rolling Stones are gonna be the biggest
party that's
coming to any town this year -- and partying's what
we do
best. It's definitely an honor." The Stones have
been
choosing artists from a variety of genres to open
their
shows. Illness forced Merle Haggard to cancel his
appear-
ance at the band's recent concert in
Dallas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ACM Awards Show
Changes Venues
The 41st annual Academy of Country
Music Awards is sche-
duled for May 23 at the MGM Grand Garden
Arena, ACM
officials announced Thursday (Dec. 15). It marks the
first
time the event has been staged at the MGM Grand.
Since
moving from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in 2003, the
awards
program has taken place at the Mandalay Bay Resort &
Casino.
The show will air live on
CBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The fourth winner of Nashville Star will have an album out
on the RCA Label Group, the third label the event has partnered with. The winner
will be on one of RLG's three labels - Arista Nashville, BNA or RCA
Records.
"We couldn't have chosen a better partner than the RCA label group
to help us discover, cultivate and launch our next Nashville Star," said
executive producer H.T. Owens. "We are working in lockstep with RLG's immensely
talented A&R department to ensure that this year's finalists are the most
talented ever and that this season's winner has all of the resources and support
to succeed in the highly competitive country music market."
This year's
winner, Erika Jo, had her disc released on Universal South, though it did not do
so well commercially.
The first two winners - Buddy Jewell and Brad Cotter -
were released on Sony.
No reason was cited for the change in labels.
"We
are thrilled to be in business with Nashville Star. This partnership represents
a huge opportunity to launch the winner and we are very much looking forward to
working on making a record with this new artist," said Joe Galante, Chairman,
RCA Label Group.
Nashville Star producers saw twice the number of contestants
as last year's auditions in 18 markets across the country in just 6 weeks.
Wynonna Judd (Curb Records) and RAYBAW/Warner artist Cowboy Troy will host,
while Phi Vassar and music executive Anastasia Brown return to the judges' table
with a rotating celebrity guest each week.
The show kicks off March 14.
* * * * * * *
Billy Currington will score the first number one of his
career when Billboard's Hot Country Songs Chart this week thanks to "Must Be
Doin' Somethin' Right," the first single off his sophomore album "Doin'
Somethin' Right."
Currington will take over the top spot from Dierks Bentley,
whose "Come a Little Closer" occupied number one.
Currington said, "I
couldn't think of a better way to end such an awesome year. I just want to thank
the Mercury promotion staff and everyone else on my team for all of their hard
work this year."
****
Amy's Kitchen ****
Delicious Beef
Roast
1 beef roast (whatever size you prefer)
1 package dry onion
soup
1 can (10 3/4) can cream of celery soup
Place roast on a piece of
foil large enough to wrap the meat tightly. Sprinkle roast with dry soup mix.
Spoon celery soup on top. Wrap tightly and place in a roast pan. Roast at 300
degrees for 4 hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bag-A-Trash
3 cups Cheerios
3 cups
Trix
3 cups Captain Crunch
3 cups pretzels
3 cups mini
marshmallows
1 16 oz bag M&M's
1 bag Heath crunch candy
1
(20oz) Almond Bark
1 Tablespoon cooking oil
Lay out waxed paper on
counters for the trash to dry. Put first 7 ingredients into a BIG bowl. (I use
the big green 32 cup one from Tupperware). In a microwave safe bowl break up
almond bark. Add the Tablespoon of oil.
Microwave for 1 minute, stir.
Then microwave for 30 seconds at a time until all is melted. Pour this over
everything in the bowl. Stir well and lay out on waxed paper to dry. Fill up
those Christmas Zip-lock baggies and enjoy. Ours almost never make it to the
bags as we just start eating out of the
bowl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TWICE BAKED
POTATOES
8 baking potatoes
1
cup Creamy Bacon or creamy Italian Dressing
1/2 cup Sour
Cream
1/4 cup fresh chopped chives
1 lb. cheddar
cheese
1 cup frozen chopped broccoli
DIRECTIONS:
BAKE potatoes at 400 degrees for 1 hour.
Slice off tops of
potatoes; scoop out centers, leaving 1/8-inch
shells. Mash
potatoes. Add dressing, sour cream, chives and
broccoli;
beat until fluffy. SPOON into shells; top each potato
with
2 oz. cheese. BAKE at 350 degrees for 20
minutes.
Yield: 8 Servings
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
Why do whales beach
themselves?
![]() It is still not fully understood why whales beach themselves. There
are many theories and proposed suggestions as to why they would do such a thing,
but nothing thus far has been proven.
One major theory that has surfaced
in recent years is submarine sonar equipment. Supposedly, whales and other
marine life are driven crazy by the pulses put out by sonar, and in whales, it
causes a condition a lot like 'the bends'. The whales panic and flee. Often
times they will be so badly affected by the pulse that they don't realize they
are drawing in close to shore, and they'll just crash right into the
beach.
Other reasons may include sickness. They may lose their sense of
orientation and wind up on the beach.
They may be trying to escape a
predator or predators. While there is no known creature in the oceans large
enough or threatening enough to send dozens of whales fleeing, many larger
whales are prey for Orcas (Killer Whales) and sometimes larger whales will beach
themselves while attempting to flee pods of Orcas. There are many possible
explanations to this phenomena, and these are only a few.
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER
****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
A fair
and cold night for Tuesday night with lows in the teens.
Wednesday will be a
little warmer than Tuesday (which was 10 degrees
warmer than Monday) with
highs in the mid to upper 30`s. Thursday will
stay dry and we top the 40
degrees mark as we climb into the mid 40`s.
Friday looks to be the warmest
day with highs in the upper 40`s (someone
may hit 50 degrees)! A storm
system will drop into the Great Lakes by
Saturday and drag a cold front into
this area for Christmas Eve and some
light rain showers. As it get`s colder
behind that front on Christmas
Day, some snow showers or flurries will be
possible.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
A "White
Christmas" is defined as being at least 1" of snow covering
most of the
ground on Christmas morning.
Tuesday Night
Fair and Cold
Low 17
Wednesday
Partly Sunny
High 37
Wednesday Night
Fair
and Cold
Low 22
Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 44
Low 22
Friday
Partly Sunny and Very Mild
High 47
Christmas Eve
Cloudy with some light rain showers
High 42
Low 35
Christmas
Little Cooler and Some Flurries Possible
High 38
Low 28
Monday
Partly Sunny
High 38
Low 25
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High
38
Low 25
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that
makes unhappy marriages
TOON
TIME
Birthday
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21291.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21291.htm ">
Here!</a>
Get Well
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21290.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21290.htm ">
Here!</a>
Flush
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21289.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21289.htm ">
Here!</a>
On Hold Record
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny760.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny760.html">Here!</a>
French Food...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/017.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/017.htm">
Here </a>
How A Cat Opens A Door
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21294.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21294.htm ">
Here!</a>
Discount Airline
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21292.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21292.htm ">
Here!</a>
Saddam
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21293.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21293.htm ">
Here!</a>
Jones
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21288.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21288.htm
"> Here!</a>
Lunch Menu
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21286.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21286.htm
"> Here!</a>
Shadow
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21287.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21287.htm
"> Here!</a>
Does It Wander?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny761.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny761.html">Here!</a>
Ineffective
Pay Station...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/016.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/016.htm">
Here </a>
Duck Plane
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21297.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21297.htm
"> Here!</a>
Rum
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21295.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21295.htm
"> Here!</a>
Flying
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21296.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21296.htm
"> Here!</a>
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
A general practioner and a nurse were on the train,
going
to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man
furiously scratching his
elbow. "I wonder what's the
matter with him?" said the nurse.
"He's a
patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in
confidence, I can tell you
that he suffers badly from
hemorrhoids."
"Well, why is he scratching
there then?"
"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from
his
elbow."
That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
the Funnies personally.
The contents
are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an
equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or
give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our
features are intended to be for entertainment only.
Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright
n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
~
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P.O. Box 521
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47838-0521
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