Q: What did Santa say to his reindeer after they
landed
on the out house roof? A: Santa hollered out
,
"I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"
12/24/05THE
FUNNIES
TOP TEN SATURDAY
The top 10 country
singles:
1. Dierks Bentley -- Come A
Little Closer
2. Kenny Chesney -- Who You'd Be Today
3. Joe Nichols -- Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
4.
Garth Brooks -- Good Ride Cowboy
5. Billy Currington -- Must Be
Doin' Somethin' Right
6. Toby Keith -- Big Blue Note
7. George Strait -- She Let Herself Go
8. Carrie Underwood
-- Jesus, Take The Wheel
9. Faith Hill -- Like We Never Loved At
All
10. Trace Adkins -- Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
The top 10 country albums:
1. Carrie Underwood -- Some Hearts
2. Kenny Chesney -- The Road And The Radio
3. Johnny Cash --
The Legend Of Johnny Cash
4. Rascal Flatts -- Feels Like
Today
5. Faith Hill -- Fireflies
6. Big &
Rich -- Comin' To Your City
7. Reba McEntire -- Reba:
#1's
8. Martina McBride -- Timeless
9. Sugarland
-- Twice The Speed Of Life
10. Trace Adkins -- Songs About
Me
The top 10 Christian
singles:
1. MercyMe -- Joseph's Lullaby
2. Casting Crowns -- Lifesong
3. Third Day -- Cry Out To
Jesus
4. Jeremy Camp -- This Man
5. Steven
Curtis Chapman -- All I Really Want
6. Mark Schultz -- I
Am
7. Mark Schultz -- The First Noel
8. MercyMe
-- In The Blink Of An Eye
9. Chris Tomlin -- Angels We Have
Heard On High
10. Big Daddy Weave -- Go Tell It On The
Mountain
The top 10 DVD
rentals:
1. Mr. and Mrs. Smith --
FoxVideo
2. War Of The Worlds -- DreamWorks Home
Entertainment
3. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo -- Sony Pictures
Home
Entertainment
4. The Polar
Express (Full Screen) -- Warner Home Video
5. Sky High -- Walt
Disney Home Entertainment
6. March of the Penguins -- Warner
Home Video
7. The Skeleton Key -- Universal Studios Home
Video
8. Christmas With The Kranks -- Sony Pictures Home
Entertain-
ment
9. Madagascar --
DreamWorks Home Entertainment
10. Stealth -- Sony Pictures Home
Entertainment
Top 10 DVD
sales:
1. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
(Widescreen) -- FoxVideo
2. Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Full Screen) --
FoxVideo
3. March of the Penguins (Widescreen) -- Warner Home
Video
4. Family Guy: Volume 3: Season 4 -- FoxVideo
5. War of the Worlds (Widescreen) -- DreamWorks Home
Entertainment
6. The Polar Express (Full
Screen) -- Warner Home Video
7. The Polar Express: Gift Set --
Warner Home Video
8. Sky High (Full Screen) -- Walt Disney Home
Entertainment
9. Madagascar (Widescreen) -- DreamWorks Home
Entertainment
10. The Polar Express (Widescreen) -- Warner Home
Video
The top 10
singles:
1. Chris Brown -- Run It!
2. Mariah Carey -- Don't Forget About Us
3. D4L -- Laffy
Taffy
4. Nelly Featuring Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp --
Grillz
5. Nickelback -- Photograph
6. Kanye West
Featuring Jamie Foxx -- Gold Digger
7. The Pussycat Dolls --
Stickwitu
8. Eminem -- When I'm Gone
9. The
Black Eyed Peas -- My Humps
10. Kelly Clarkson -- Because Of
You
The top 10 albums:
1. Eminem -- Curtain Call: The Hits
2. Lil'
Wayne -- Tha Carter II
3. Korn -- See You On The Other
Side
4. Various Artists -- Now 20
5. Carrie
Underwood -- Some Hearts
6. Kenny Chesney -- The Road And The
Radio
7. Nickelback -- All The Right Reasons
8.
Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi
9. The Black Eyed Peas
-- Monkey Business
10. Enya -- Amarantine
The top 10 mainstream rock
tracks:
1. Shinedown -- Save
Me
2. 10 Years -- Wasteland
3. Disturbed --
Stricken
4. Avenged Sevenfold -- Bat Country
5.
Korn -- Twisted Transistor
6. Foo Fighters -- DOA
7. Trapt -- Stand Up
8. Seether -- Truth
9.
System Of A Down -- Hypnotize
10. Staind --
Falling
A married couple was sitting in a fine
restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a
drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been
watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she
replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him
seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" her husband replies, "I
wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that
long"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What I want in a man, Original List (age
22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring
listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8.
Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An
imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age
32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors,
holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4.
Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6.
Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8.
Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and
anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a
man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't
drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at
McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm
talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough
shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8.
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet
seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man,
Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate
length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too
often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell
same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on
weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.
Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves
on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1.
Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't
require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when
asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand
up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9.
Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when...
What I want in
a man, Revised list (age 72)
1.
Breathing--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady buys a pair of
parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in
time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them
doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up
again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the
male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.
The male parrot takes one
look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and
says, "I see she caught you at
it,
too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two babies were sat in their
cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little
boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do
you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how
to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby
chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."
He carefully
maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared
beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big
grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said
proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can
you
tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got
pink
booties and I've got blue
ones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At first sight we knew it
was the perfect Christmas tree.
Tall and full, with no bare
spots. Even our grown children
were impressed.
"Wow," said my son, "if you didn't know it was real, it
could easily pass as artificial."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was
election time and the politician decided to go out
to the local reservation
and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the
Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale,
and the crowd was
getting more and more excited.
"I promise better
education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting
"Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but
was
encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a
Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their
feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for
Native
Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya!
Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation,
and
saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,
and
knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get
closer to take a
look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in
the hoya..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob was known among his friends for the punctuality
with which he sent
his wife her alimony payment each
month.
When asked the reason for his
haste, he shivered and
explained: "I'm afraid that if I should ever
fall
behind in my payments she might decide to repossess
me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was young, my family was so poor that
for Christmas we got batteries with a note attached saying "Toy not included."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A four year old girl was learning to say
the Lord's Prayer.
She was reciting it all by herself without help from
her
mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver
us
some
e-mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** HEALTH NEWS ****
TIGHT DEADLINES AT WORK INCREASE HEART
RISK
A high-pressure work environment with tight
deadlines can
cause a six-fold increase in the risk of having a
heart
attack, a Swedish study finds. Short-term but intense
pres-
sure has a bigger impact on the heart than accumulated
stress
over time. The findings, published in the Journal of
Epidemi-
ology and Community Health, are based on a study of
more than
3,500 people participating in the Stockholm Heart
Epidemiology
Program. The researchers at the Karolinska
Institute also find
men were 80 percent more likely to have a
heart attack if they
had experienced a conflict at work within
the preceding 12
months. For women, a change in financial
circumstances tripled
their risk of heart
attack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOLIDAY FOOD CAN LEAD TO ACID INDIGESTION
Holiday
food can contribute to many U.S. adults suffering
from acid
indigestion, says Dr. Steven Peikin of Robert Woods
Johnson
Hospital in New Jersey. Fatty or greasy foods,
chocolate and
alcohol can be some of the most heartburn-
inducing holiday
foods. However, a new Holiday Heartburn
Survey showed even
stuffing, eggnog and pie can bring on un-
wanted heartburn in
some people. Avoiding some of these foods
during the holidays
can be a hardship, but a heartburn remedy,
such as Pepcid
Complete, can treat heartburn, acid indigestion,
acid reflux and
sour stomach, according to Peikin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Santa's Helpers"
I remember my first
Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across
town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There
is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!" My Grandma was not the
gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be
straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the
truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her
"world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma
said so. It had to be true. Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.
Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?"
she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for
years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go."
"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous
cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in
town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through it's
doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take
this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait
for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's. I was only nine
years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for
anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people
scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood
there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who
on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my
neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just
about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with
bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-4
class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to
recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher
that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough;
he just had no coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I
would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood
to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present
for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars
down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at
me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get
any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry
Christmas. That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper. A
little tag fell out of the coat, but Grandma said it was okay and just tucked it
in her Bible. We finished wrapping the coat and tied the package with pretty
ribbon, then wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it. Grandma said that Santa
always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house,
explaining as we went that I was now and forever, officially one of Santa's
helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept
noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a
nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep
breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded
his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we
waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did,
and there stood Bobby. Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments
spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I
realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said
they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
Grandma has long since passed on, but I still have the Bible, with the coat tag
tucked inside. It says, "$19.95"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"CHRISTMAS BEATITUDES"
Blessed is December,
for Christmas is near.
Blessed are the poor of pocket,
for they shall be called
parents.
Blessed are the artistic,
for they shall wrap gifts for
everyone.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall
restrain
children from knocking over the tree.
Blessed are they who are heavily laden,
for they shall be
called shoppers.
Blessed are they who weave paper garlands,
produce plays
and wear a confused look,
for they shall be called teachers.
Blessed are they who hunger for turkey and
trimmings (and
happily do the dishes),
for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed is the sweater knit in secret,
coins sent to a
food bank, dinner for a shut-in,
for these shall be called love.
Blessed are we who, despite the chaos, hold
the real
Christmas closely in our hearts,
for we shall be called
glad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"THE CHRISTMAS TEN
COMMANDMENTS"
1. Thou shalt give thy
heart to Christ. Let Him be at the top of thy Christmas list
2. Thou shalt prepare thy soul for Christmas. Spend not so
much on gifts that thy soul is forgotten.
3. Thou shalt not let Santa Claus replace Christ, thus robbing
the day of its spiritual reality.
4. Thou shalt not burden the shop girl, the mailman, and the
merchant with complaints and demands.
5. Thou shalt give thyself with thy gift. This will increase
its value a hundred fold, and he who receiveth it shall treasure it forever.
6. Thou shalt not value gifts received by their cost. Even the
least expensive may signify love, and that is more priceless than silver and
gold.
7. Thou shalt not neglect the needy. Share thy blessings with
many who will go hungry and cold unless thou are generous.
8. Thou shalt not neglect thy church. Its services highlight
the true meaning of the season.
9. Thou shalt be as a little child. Not until thou has become
in spirit as a little one art thou ready to enter into the kingdom of Heaven.
10. Thou shall not forget to share your joy, hope, peace and
faith with those around you.
Remember
A man may go to
heaven......
without health, without wealth;
without fame, without a great
name;
without learning, without earnings;
without culture, without
beauty;
without friends and without ten thousand other things-----
But he
can NEVER go to Heaven without Christ.
****
WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
A very
mild night for Friday nigth with lows only dropping into the 40
degree
range. Christmas Eve day will be very warm again with rain
showers and a
high in the upper 40`s (10 degrees ABOVE normal). Saturday
night will stay
mild with rain showers (some snowflakes may mix in) as
lows stay above
freezing all night long. Christmas day will be cooler
with some rain and
snow showers but no accumulation to speak of as highs
stay in the 30`s. Most
of next week stays normal to above with the only
chance of precipitation on
Wednesday.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
The high of 50
degrees on Friday was the warmest so far this month and
was 43 degrees
warmer than just last Tuesday morning. Talk about a big
temperature swing in
under three days!
Friday Night
Becoming Cloudy
Low 40
Saturday
Showers Developing
High 47
Saturday Night
Rain Showers, Some Snowflakes Possible
Low 36
Christmas
Rain
Showers / Flurries
High 38
Low 36
Monday
Partly Sunny
High
38
Low 25
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
High 45
Low 28
Wednesday
Showers Possible
High 37
Low 28
Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 38
Low 25
Friday
Partly Sunny
High
42
Low 25 The Texas preacher rose with an
angry red face, saying, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I
belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher
continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now
please stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic named Cathy, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply
told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!!!!!!!!!!"
The preacher fainted.
~~~~~~~Carl~~~~~~~
