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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is easier to
get older than it is to get wiser.
MONDAY DECEMBER 26,2005
THOUGHT FOR
TODAY:Old age is when your medications outnumber your age. It's a really close race
The day after Xmas
It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full
of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the
relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my
bathroom
Since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in
sight
And sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
With my
beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
And left their
screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
And I can't find the
cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
The relatives are here.
They
eat me out of house and home.
And drink up all my beer.
I love the
decorations,
And the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky
relatives
Would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed
the dog
A twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
Like
skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all,
The girls
against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with
all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
In my favorite TV
chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
And tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
Before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see
those blue sparks fly
When they plug her
in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern style
In a small
Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great
skill
and
talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though.
The
three
wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a
"Quik Stop"
on the
edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the
helmets.
She
exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read
the
Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall
anything about
firemen in
the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled
through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right
here, 'The three
wise men
came from
afar.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Dying Pastor:
An old pastor was
dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his
lawyer to come to the
hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his room. As they
entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit
on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped
their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For
a time, no one said
anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were
touched and
flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him
during his final
moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had
never given any
indication that he particularly liked either one of
them. Finally, the lawyer
asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us
to come here?"
The old
pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go,
too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you see a fat man
Who's
jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he
is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature
sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face
it...
Your eggnog's
Waaaayyy too strong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fender Skirts For My OLD Friends!!
I came
across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS". A term I
haven't
heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started
me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from our language
with hardly a
notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking
of
cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids
will
probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some
of
these terms to you
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper
extenders and spare
tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as
a Lincoln
Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?"
At some point "parking
brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of
drama that went
with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the
old folks are gone who would call the
accelerator the "foot feed"
Didn't
you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you
could ride
the "running board" up to the house? Here's a phrase I heard
all the time in
my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course,
just about everything
is store-bought these days. But once it was
bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of
candy.
"Coast to coast" is a
phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and
now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term "world wid! e" for
granted. This floors me.
On a
smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes.
In the
'50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow,
wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
carpeting with
hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase
"in a family way?" It's
hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once
considered a little
too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite
company. So we had
all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family
way" or
simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in
usage. I said it the other
day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just
"bra" now
"Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I
always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie"
an
affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a
pure-'60s word I
came across the other day -! "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty
put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to
say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I
blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern
and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux."
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food
for
thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody
complains
of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I
never
hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore. Some words
aren't
gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves
me
most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word.
Invite
someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts. Someone forwarded this to
me.
I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.
Just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age"!!
**** Quickies ****
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for
FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it
myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and
Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's useless fact -
Do old computers get recycled?
 As long as the computer finds its way to a place that
recycles computer hardware, then yes, old computers get recycled. The following
excerpt from HP's hardware recycling service description is almost identical to
that of Dell and a number of other manufacturers and recyclers. In most cases,
the computers are assessed for their reusability first, so that the hardware may
be reused by nonprofits or other public programs: "When it is determined that
computer hardware has no value as a whole product, HP focuses on separating
products into their key commodities such as steel, aluminum, copper, and
plastics. HP then finds manufacturers that can use these commodities as raw
materials in making new products. These processes and policies reduce the burden
on the earth??™s resources in two ways; by diverting old products from landfills
and by displacing the need for raw materials in new product
manufacturing."
**** WABASH
VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary
Light
snow for some of the Valley Sunday and rain for the rest. Snow
showers will
linger to the East before ending and giving way to a Mostly
Cloudy start
Monday. Temperatures will moderate as jet stream lifts
North this week. Two
new systems will bring precipitation for the new
week. Wednesday will see
rain, while the late Friday system will be a
rain to snow event. lasting
into Saturday. Too early to say how much
snow, but temperatures will still
be mild.
-Dan Reynolds
Weather Factoid
The first three weeks of
December have been 8.9 degrees cooler than
normal. The average is 33.4, this
year it was 24.5.
Sunday Night
Cloudy. Colder. A Few Snow Showers
East. Northwest Wind 10-17.
Low 29
Monday
Mostly Cloudy. Cool.
West Wind 4-10.
High 39
Monday Night
Decreasing Clouds. Cool.
South Wind 4-10.
Low 30
Tuesday
Partly Cloudy. Warmer. South Wind
8-13.
High 50
Wednesday
Mostly Cloudy. 50% Chance of
Showers.
High 46
Low 41
Thursday
Partly Cloudy.
High
42
Low 36
Friday
Partly Cloudy. 30% Chance of Rain, Changing to
Snow.
High 46
Low 29
Saturday
Mostly Cloudy. 40% Chance of
Rain, Changing to Snow.
High 42
Low 32
Sunday
Partly
Cloudy.
High 42
Low 29
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles"
if there
wasn't a way to get over them.
TOON
TIME
Club The Kids
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22233.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22233.htm ">
Here!</a>
Chinese Staircase
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22232.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22232.htm ">
Here!</a>
Born To Be Chicken
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22231.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22231.htm ">
Here!</a>
Modem Noises?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny812.html
Detonator
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/detonator/index.htm
W.I.P
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22245.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22245.htm ">
Here!</a>
Do Not Use Elevator
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22244.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22244.htm ">
Here!</a>
Cats Dine
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22243.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22243.htm ">
Here!</a>
Carry Your Thing
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22230.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22230.htm
"> Here!</a>
Silent Cry
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22229.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22229.htm
"> Here!</a>
Big Heads
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22228.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22228.htm
"> Here!</a>
Real Price Revealed
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny813.html
Da
Numba
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/danumba/index.htm
How
Much Is This
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22242.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22242.htm
"> Here!</a>
Shark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22240.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22240.htm
"> Here!</a>
Rock On
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22241.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22241.htm
"> Here!</a>
That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in
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are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
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P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
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