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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

THURSDAY DECEMBER 29,2005


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A miracle drug is one that
still has the same price as last year.

A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them  
missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick  
up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them  
about a conversation she overheard.  

One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas  
Mass."  

"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have  
a Hanukkah celebration.  

"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a  
barbecue." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the
Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient
world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.  Don't you
know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at
it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking
that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said,
"It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that,
but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow
up one of my tires..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked
if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping
wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking
and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest
child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will
forgive you if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath:
"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one year and out the other."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goose & Gander

A man and his significant other were watching a boxing match, that ended
in the first round with a KO, on TV.
-
The guy sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four
minutes."
-
His playmate remarks, "Good! now you have some idea of how I feel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was visiting my aunt, who owns a small farm in Wisconsin. She was
calling the local newspaper to complain about an ad she'd placed in
their classified section.
-
She complained that It was obvious the person who had taken the
information had never spent any time on a farm. " I said 'ewes'," she
argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
-
"Ewes." she reiterated, "It makes a difference to some people."
-
She objected that the ad that was placed read:
-
"Sheep for sale--USED."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was
about to tee off , a cart drives up.  These two guys get out and
hand him a note saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?"

The guy says, "Hell no!", and tees off anyway.

Later on (after six shots), he is on the green about to putt when
a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch.
"What the @#$%^&*?", he yells.

The deaf guys drive up and hand him a note.  On the note is written,
"FORE".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them
missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick up
their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a
conversation she overheard.

One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass."

"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a
Hanukkah celebration.

"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a
barbecue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -  
and that was the closest our country has ever been to being  
even." --Will Rogers  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An arrogant young woman wired home from her new job:
"Made supervisor: feather in my cap."

A few weeks later, she wired again, "Made manager:
feather in my cap."

Then, after a few more weeks she sent another: "Fired:
send money for ticket to fly home."

Her parents wired back: "No ticket necessary.  Use
feathers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patricia~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was given a free ticket to the Chicago Bears ~ Green Bay Packers game
last weekend. Unfortunately the seat was in the last row in the corner
of the packed stadium. I was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the
playing field.
-
When I noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line and
decided to make my way to the empty seat.
-
I sat down and asked the man next to me if anyone had been sitting there
and was told, no, that it was empty.
-
I was quite pleased to have a premium seat at the annual grudge game
between these perennial rivals and asked the guy if he knew why no one
was using it?
-
The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she had passed away. He
said this was the first game that they had not attended together since
they were married in 1988.
-
I said that was really sad and asked how come he couldn't find someone,
a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
-
"Nope" replied the man, "They're all attending her funeral!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein,
have
I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant in very
good
health, for just one hundred dollars."
Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet
tall,
complete with a trunk."
"You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it ," cried
Finkelstein.
"I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it ."
But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a
magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that
anymore."
"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room
walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heckwill I keep an
elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you
what, I
will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only $50 extra."
Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning while sitting in front of the mirror getting ready to
go to work I said to my husband, "Honey, have you noticed how big
my ears are?".

Without missing a beat he replied, "They match your mouth".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For many years The Brown Derby was Hollywood's most famous
restaurant. Visitors came from all over the world to get a glimpse
of their favorite movie stars dining. Even when the celebrities were
not there, diners had the opportunity to feast on favorite dishes
of the stars. The menu items were named for the star that inspired
the dish.  One of the all time favorite desserts at The Brown Derby
was the Fred Astaire. When you ordered the Fred Astaire you would
be served chocolate Puddin' on the Ritz crackers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were
sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews
in New York City.  They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish -
the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent
impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they
were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such
perfect Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they
asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did
our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear
and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Madonna and Time Warner are locked in a heated dispute over her
latest album and the stock options the company is using to pay her.
As of now, neither side can tell which is more worthless, her
music or their stock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),  

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine  
considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is  
that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from  
your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in  
this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.  
God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They  
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.  

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put  
them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which  
reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died  
years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt  
Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.  
I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with  
would have never let you come.  

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.  I lost  
my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry  
about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned  
my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs  
the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any  
more money, because I know you need it for those expensive  
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my  
darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is  
-- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from  
my bosom.  

Merry Christmas.  

Love, Mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kate Moss faces an investigation by London police after newspapers
published photographs that showed her snorting cocaine. She has
chosen a very dangerous way of life. The top cause of death among
supermodels is falling through the street grates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with
questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far
away did they stand?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's  
Jacob K. Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people.  
I ran into a friend the day after she had gone to one, and  
asked her about it.  

"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you  
couldn't get a nerd in edgewise." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him,
a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to
catch cows."

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined
the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS
By Jeff Foxworthy

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks
hung empty, not a candy or toy, and I was camped out on my old
Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the
worst Christmas she said she'd had in her life. My wife couldn't
argue and neither could I, so I watched TV in my wife's angry eye.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked
and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold
the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus. "
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't
taking me in without probable cause. " Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night. " I said, "That might have been
me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly
old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose
like a cherry. " I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's
sister Sherri. " "It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff, he
said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for
the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done,
tell me what you've seen. " Well I started to lie, then I thought,
"What the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've
spent New Years in jail. "

I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten, and I thought
that my wife had been drinking again. " When she walked in from
work she was as white as a ghost. She sunk down on the couch
just as stiff as a post. But she said that a bunch of deer had
just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good
neighbour Red. Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made
me mutter, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's
gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when
outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back
was this bag overflowin'. I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff
without him a-knowin'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the
air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I
popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and
he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom and Doug ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas
tree. They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree
they found.

As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped ten
degrees and the wind began to blow. Still no tree.

Finally, Tom piped up: "Listen Doug, I really think we'd better
take the next tree we see, whether it has lights on it or not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in
common." said the new tenant's neighbor.  "Why on earth did you
get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' ... "
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird
flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking
red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.

"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with
its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old  
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that  
night, she seemed upset.  

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.  

"I had to slap his face three times!"  

"You mean he got fresh?"  

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever someone dies and someone else says they're "in a better
place now," I wonder how bad their apartment could possibly have
been that a hole in the ground would be considered a step up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for
her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.

"I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little
girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting
a dollar like usual."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grade school teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!


      1. Don't change horses..........................
      until they stop running.
      2. Strike while the................................
      bug is close.
      3. It's always darkest before....................
      Daylight Saving Time.
      4. Never underestimate the power of ......
      termites.
      5. You can lead a horse to water but .......
      how?
      6. Don't bite the hand that
      looks dirty.
      7. No news is.....................................
      impossible.
      8. A miss is as good as a ...................
      Mr.
      9. You can't teach an old dog new ......
      math.
      10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .........
      stink in the morning.
      11. Love all, trust ................
      me.
      12. The pen is mightier than the ................
      pigs.
      13. An idle mind is............................
      the best way to relax.
      14. Where there's smoke there's ...............
      pollution.
      15. Happy the bride who.........................
      gets all the presents.
      16. A penny saved is .
      not much.
      17. Two's company, three's .
       the Musketeers
      18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......
      you put on to go to bed.
      19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..
      you have to blow your nose.
      20. There are none so blind as ..........
      Stevie Wonder.
      21. Children should be seen and not .....
      spanked or grounded.
      22. If at first you don't succeed .................
      get new batteries.
      23. You get out of something only what you ...
      see in the picture on the box.
      24. When the blind lead the blind .............
      get out of the way.

      And the WINNER and last one!
      25. Better late than.....................................
      pregnant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Goofproof~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 
**** Quickies ****

The money in a bank account is a little like toothpaste:
easy to take out, but hard to put back in.

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico - A convicted killer who escaped from  
a New Mexico prison more than 20 years ago has finally been  
caught. Clarence McCoy pleaded guilty in 1978 to strangling  
his wife. He was serving a 10-year sentence when he escaped  
from a state prison south of Albuquerque. He was 27 at the  
time. Retribution finally caught up with the killer when he  
compounded his crime by driving alone in a car pool lane in  
Washington state. During the traffic stop, McCoy's name was  
put through a computer background check which produced his  
criminal background. He is fighting extradition to New Mexico. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A gang of four men responsible for  
20 cases of motorcycle theft, rape, and armed robbery were  
caught taking a coffee break this week immediately after rob-  
bing a mobile phone shop. The foursome held two employees at  
gunpoint and took an unsubstantiated number of phones and cash  
before escaping. But they didn't get too far. The owner was  
about to fill out a police report when he noticed the thieves'  
car at a nearby drink stall. The owner contacted the police,  
and they arrested the four without any problems. Fleeing the  
scene did not make it high on the priority list for this four-  
some. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Snooze, You Lose!

TORONTO - If you plan on breaking into a home, it's not a good idea
to fall asleep while you're there. Police said the tenant returned
to find his basement window broken and called police. Although
police found the house ransacked, a laptop and other valuables,
along with 14 bottles of liquor, were by the back door. They
were even more shocked to find a suspect passed out on the
couch. Apparently, the man, Jonathan Jabokwoam, had drank some
alcohol and watched some TV before passing out and being caught
by police. "They don't usually curl up and fall asleep for us,"
Det. Mike Gurman said. "Most people break in and want to leave."


**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****
Fishmerman Hooked On Two-Mouthed Trout
LINCOLN, Neb. - Clarence Olberding had quite a surprise when he
pulled a rainbow trout out of Holmes Lake last weekend - the fish
he hooked had two mouths. "I reached down and grabbed it to take
the hook out, and that's when I noticed that the hook was in the
upper mouth and there was another jaw protruding out below," said
Olberding. In 40 years of fishing, Olberding said he had never
seen anything like it.  When he hooked the double-mouthed trout,
he called over another angler to have a look. The fish weighed
about a pound. The second mouth didn't appear to be functional,
Olberding said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

HEALTHIER FAT FOR BAKING  

Meal makeover expert and U.S. nutrition consultant Janice  
Bissex says modifying the fat source of holiday foods can  
make them healthier. "Fat is not a bad thing but if you've  
got butter and shortening, a solid fat then you're getting  
saturated fats (butter) and trans-fat (shortening) in your  
diet," says Bissex, author of "The Moms' Guide to Meal  
Makeovers: Improving the Way Your Family Eats, One Meal at  
a Time!" "What you want to do is replace those with a  
healthy fat like Canola oil, which the lowest cooking oil  
in saturated fat. It's a good source of heart healthy mono-  
unsaturated fats and also has some omega-three fats." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stem cells for child brain trauma studied  

HOUSTON, -- A clinical trial is planed in Houston to gauge  
the efficacy of treating children with traumatic brain  
injury using stem cells from their own bone marrow. The  
clinical trial by The University of Texas Medical School  
and Memorial Hermann Children's Hospital will be the first  
to apply stem cells to treat traumatic brain injury. It  
does not involve embryonic stem cells. "There is no repar-  
ative treatment for traumatic brain injury," said co-  
principal investigator Dr. Charles Cox. "All we can do now  
is try to prevent secondary damage by relieving pressure  
on the brain caused by the initial injury." The trial  
builds on research indicating bone-marrow derived stem  
cells can migrate to an injured area of the brain,  
differentiate into new neurons and support cells, and in-  
duce brain repair. "This would be an absolutely novel  
treatment, the first ever with potential to repair a  
traumatically damaged brain," said Dr. James Baumgartner,  
co-principal investigator on the project. As a Phase I  
clinical trial, the project's first emphasis will be to  
establish the safety of the procedure, with a secondary  
goal of observing possible therapeutic effects.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fruit fly studies help explain human heart  

SAN DIEGO, -- Researchers at The Burnham Institute for  
Medical Research in San Diego have obtained detailed in-  
sights into the early formation of the human heart. A  
team lead by Dr. Rolf Bodmer found two proteins --  
called Robo and Slit -- are required for normal develop-  
ment of the heart and malfunction of either protein  
results in congenital heart defects. Working with Droso-  
philia melanogaster, also known as the fruit fly, the  
researchers showed the Slit and Robo proteins accumulate  
in a specific alignment during the formation of the heart  
tube, a linear tube representing the primitive heart be-  
fore its cells assume their rhythmical contractile func-  
tions. Proper alignment of the heart tube cells is  
critical for heart assembly and proper shape, or morph-  
ology and mutation of the proteins results in observed  
heart defects. "These findings provide understanding of  
early controls in heart development, and we are eager to  
conduct further studies to reveal how these controls are  
executed," said Rolf Bodmer, corresponding author in the  
study. The findings appear in the journal Current Biology.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart burn medications are risk factors  

MONTREAL, -- Montreal researchers have discovered drugs that  
reduce gastric acidity are potential risk factors for Clos-  
tridium difficile infection outside of hospitals. The study  
on community-acquired C. difficile is a follow-up to pre-  
vious work by the McGill University Health Center scientists  
that demonstrated an increased risk from drugs such as heart  
burn medications in hospital settings. "We believe drugs that  
reduce gastric acidity provide a more hospitable environment  
within which C. difficile bacteria can colonize," said Dr.  
Sandra Dial, a MUHC researcher and lead author of the new  
study. Numerous studies worldwide have documented increases  
in hospital C. difficile associated disease, but the MUHC  
study is the first to suggest the trend is mirrored in the  
general community. Using data from the United Kingdom General  
 Practice Research Database, the researchers traced variation  
in community C. difficile associated disease over a 10-year  
period. "In 1994 there was less than one C. difficile case  
per 100,000 people in the database," says Dial. "By 2004,  
this number had increased exponentially to 22 cases to per  
100,000." The research appears in the Journal of the  
American Medical Association. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retina cells develop before vision  

ST. LOUIS, -- Washington University scientists say non-  
visual system eye cells begin functioning long before the  
rods and cones that process light into vision.  

The St. Louis researchers say their discovery should help  
scientists learn more about the eye's non-visual functions,  
such as the pupil's responses to light and light-regulated  
release of hormones.  

The scientists say in the mouse retina, intrinsically  
photosensitive retinal ganglion cells are active and  
functioning at birth. That, they said, is surprising  
because the mouse retina doesn't fully develop until  
a mouse is three weeks old, and the first rod cells  
don't appear until about 10 days after birth.  

"We were stunned to find these photoreceptors were firing  
action potentials on the day of birth," said Dr. Russell  
Van Gelder, associate professor of ophthalmology, visual  
sciences. molecular biology and pharmacology.  

He said the ganglion cells react to light in two ways:  
sending messages to parts of the brain that control  
circadian rhythms, and -- on the first day or two of life  
-- setting off a wave of activity that spreads through  
the retina, possibly helping visual cells develop.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Older white women at risk for melanoma  

CHICAGO, -- A Northwestern University study in Chicago  
suggests older white women with a history of non-melanoma  
skin cancer are more likely to develop melanoma.  

"This study adds a history of the relatively favorable  
non-melanoma skin cancer -- in and of itself -- to the  
list of known risk factors for melanoma in both sun  
lovers and shade dwellers alike," said lead author Dr.  
Carol Rosenberg, assistant professor medicine at  
Northwestern's Feinberg School of Medicine.  

The study found postmenopausal, non-Hispanic white women  
aged 50 to 79 years with a history of non-melanoma skin  
cancer, such as basal cell or squamous cell skin cancer,  
but no other malignancies, were more than twice as likely  
to develop cutaneous melanoma over a period of 6.5 years  
compared with women who had no history of non-melanoma  
skin cancer, no matter how much sun exposure or other  
lifestyle variables they had experienced.  

"Our study further defines melanoma risk in post-meno-  
pausal women and, it is hoped, will sensitize the medical  
community to this risk..." said Rosenberg. "This skin  
surveillance imperative may serve to be lifesaving in  
predisposed women."   
 

**** ON THIS DAY ****

WHY  WE  FORWARD  JOKES

  This explains why we forward jokes. 
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.   He wondered where the road was leading them.  After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.  It looked like fine marble.  At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.  When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.  When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow!  Would you happen to have some water?"  the man asked. "Of course, sir.  Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."  The man gestured, and the
 gate began to open.         "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."     The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.  After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.  As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."  "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump."           They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.  The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.  When they were full, he and
 the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.   "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.   "This is Heaven," he answered.   "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.  "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."   "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?  Nope. That's hell."   "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"   "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."   Soooo...   Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.  Maybe this will explain when you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?  You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.     When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.   Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved,
 you are still cared for, guess what you get?  A forwarded joke.   So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1931 Guitarist Scotty Moore born in Gadsden, Tennessee  

1948 Exile's Les Taylor born in Oneida, Kentucky  
  
1963 Merle Haggard debuted on the charts with "Sing a Sad  
Song"  
  
1978 Bob Luman died at the age of 41 in Nashville, Tennessee  
  
1979 Jimmy Buffett's album "Volcano" is certified gold   

1932 Dorsey Burnette born in Memphis, Tenn.  
  
1958 Joe Diffie born in Tulsa, Okla.  
  
1958 Mike McGuire, drummer for Shenandoah, born in Haleyville,  
Ala.  

1960 Songwriter Marcus Hummon ("Born to Fly," "Cowboy Take Me  
Away," "Ready to Run") born in Fort Wayne, Ind.  

1960 Marty Roe, lead singer for Diamond Rio, born in Lebanon,  
Ohio  
  
1958 Bill Anderson debuted on the chart with "That's What It's  
Like to Be Lonesome"  

1985 Marty Stuart made his chart debut with "Arlene"  

1996 LeAnn Rimes scored her first No. 1 single with "One Way  
Ticket (Because I Can)"  
  
2000 Waylon Jennings and wife Jessi Colter have an estate sale  
in Brentwood, Tenn., selling many personal items  
  
1973 Tex Ritter's final Grand Ole Opry appearance  
  
1963 Hank Williams Jr., age 14, made his first recording  
for MGM  
  
1993 Shania Twain married record producer Robert "Mutt" Lange  
at Deerhurst Resort, Ontario, Canada  

1993 Billy Ray Cyrus wed Leticia Finley  

2001 Diamond Rio drummer Brian Prout married singer/songwriter  
Stephanie Bentley   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Billy Currington Notches First No. 1  

Billy Currington's "Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right" has  
reached No. 1 on Billboard's country airplay chart --  
the first time he's hit the top spot. "I couldn't think  
of a better way to end such an awesome year," he said.  
Currington will tour with Brad Paisley in early 2006.  
His other hits include "Walk a Little Straighter," "I  
Got a Feelin'" and a duet with Shania Twain, "Party for  Two."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Singer Ferlin Husky 

Dec. 27, 2005: Singer Ferlin Husky underwent successful heart surgery on Tuesday morning in Springfield, Mo.
Doctors found 2 arteries 99 percent blocked. Two stents were placed in those arteries, and doctors expect a full recovery, according to a press release. Husky is slated to be released from the hospital on Wednesday.
"Ferlin looks just great," singer Leona Williams said. "They brought him out of the recovery room at about 12:30 p.m., and he looked great and said he felt good. He should be up walking and back to singing soon."
The Missouri native, 70, first had a hit record on duet with Jean Shepard on "Dear John." That was followed by a string of songs that topped both the country and pop charts including "Timber I'm Falling," "Gone," "Country Music Is Here To Stay," "Little Tom," "I Feel Better All Over" and "Once."
Husky had his biggest success on the multi million selling "On The Wings Of A Dove" in 1960. It stayed at the number 1 position for more than 10 weeks and reached number 12 on the pop charts.
Husky has just signed with Heart of Texas Records based in Brady, Texas. He will return to the studio in late January to begin recording his first country studio album in more than 10 years.
"We are very pleased with the surgery," Heart of Texas Records President Tracy Pitcox said. "Ferlin was having some difficulty breathing during his last few shows and on a recent celebrity cruise. The blocked arteries were the problem. We are excited about the new album and about Ferlin working some additional dates in the future."
Cards can be sent to: Ferlin Husky P.O. Box 777 Vienna, MO 65582.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Veggie Beef Pie
1 sm. onion
2 sm. carrots
3/4 lb. ground beef, seasoned with salt & pepper
3 tbsp. butter
3 tbsp. flour
2 c. seasoned mashed potatoes

Cook onions and carrots in salted and boiling water; drain. Season beef and form into 8 balls. Brown in fat placed in casserole. To make gravy, add flour to drippings; brown. Add 1 1/2 cups liquid, using any left from cooking vegetables. Stir until thickened. Add to the meatballs, gravy, onions and carrots. Cover with the mashed potatoes. Bake in a moderate oven, 350 degrees until brown, about 20 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twice Baked Potatoes

6 baked potatoes
6 to 12 tbsp. butter
12 tbsp. sour cream
Salt & pepper
3 tbsp. chives (optional)
1 c. Cheddar cheese, grated

Cut potatoes in half lengthwise and hollow out potatoes, saving skins. Beat inner part of potatoes and add other ingredients, beating well. Restuff potatoes and bake for 1/2 hour at 350 degrees.
 

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How did Bruce Lee die?

Following the untimely death of Bruce Lee, there were many rumors and speculations about the cause of his death. These rumors ranged from murder to drug overdose. None of which were true.

For the most part, the course of events on that fateful July day in 1973 can be pieced together. According to Lee's wife, Linda, Bruce met film producer Raymond Chow at 2 p.m. at home to discuss the making of Game of Death. They worked until 4 p.m., and then drove together to the home of Betty Tingpei, a Taiwanese actress who was to also have a leading role in the film. The three went over the script at Tingpei's home, and then Chow left to attend a dinner meeting.

A short time later, Lee complained of a headache and Tingpei gave him a tablet of Equagesic a kind of super aspirin. Apart from that, Lee reportedly consumed nothing but a couple of soft drinks.

At around 7:30 p.m., Lee lay down for a nap and was still asleep when Chow called to ask why he and Tingpei had not yet shown up for dinner as planned. The actress told Chow she could not wake Lee. The ensuing autopsy found traces of cannabis in Lee's stomach, but the significance of this discovery is debatable. Some believe the cannabis caused a chemical reaction that led to the cerebral edema, but the coroner's inquiry refutes this theory. In fact, one doctor was quoted as saying that the cannabis being in Lee's stomach was "no more significant than if Bruce had drunk a cup of tea that day."

After a lengthy coroner's inquest in Hong Kong. A panel of medical experts eventually concluded that Bruce Lee had died from a hypersensitive reaction to a compound in the drug Equagesic. This hypersensitivity led to a swelling of the brain and resulted in Bruce Lee entering a deep coma from which he never awoke. The coroner declared himself satisfied with the finding, and so did Linda Lee, his wife.


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/

Weather Summary:
The storm is moving away for Wednesday night and the rain will end as it
gets colder. Thursday will be mostly cloudy and colder with highs back
to normal. The next storm will arrive later on Friday with showers
possible later in the day and into early Saturday. This will be all rain
as it stays mild. New Year`s Day looks great with dry weather and highs
around 50! The next storm will bring rain showers Sunday night and
Monday and yet another due by the middle of next week. Still no signs of
a big cool down in the near future.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
The lowest temperature for December has been 7 and the highest was on
Wednesday at 54.

Wednesday Night
Rain Ending and Colder
Low 33

Thursday
Mostly Cloudy and Cooler
High 38

Thursday Night
Mostly Cloudy
Low 30

Friday
Showers Possible Late
High 44
Low 30

Saturday
Early Showers
HIgh 46
Low 35

Sunday
Partly Sunny
High 50
Low 32

Monday
Showers
High 50
Low 42

Tuesday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 45
Low 35

Wednesday
Showers
High 45
Low 35


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be  
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."  
     ---W.W.Renwick

TOON TIME

Strong Cat
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22264.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22264.htm "> Here!</a>

Mmm...
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22261.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22261.htm "> Here!</a>

Pop Tarts
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22262.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22262.htm "> Here!</a>

AOL Badverts
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/013.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/013.htm"> Here </a>

The Deep End
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/014.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/014.htm"> Here </a>

Small Minority
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22260.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22260.htm "> Here!</a>

Kit-Kat
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/v58.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/v58.htm "> Here!</a>

If The Shoe Fits
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22259.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22259.htm "> Here!</a>

Mr Ed At The North Pole
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/015.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/015.htm"> Here </a>

Ever Wondered What Your Pets Do When You're Not Home?...
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/whatpetsdo.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/whatpetsdo.htm"> Here </a>

The Mess
http://buffalosjokes.com/3311.htm

Remember
http://buffalosjokes.com/3317.htm

The Many Faces of George
http://buffalosjokes.com/3322.htm




LAST CALL Y'ALL
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and
inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex,
I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas


That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME  
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
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Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web