|
The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These
are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger
readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
Remember
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
TGIF
FRIDAY DECEMBER 30,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much.
We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing
lane.
A pair of senior couples were strolling along,
wives in
front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv
and
says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had
the best
meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to
eat out too. So what
was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie
says, "You're going to have to help me out here a
little. What's the
name of that pretty flower, smells sweet,
often red, grows on a thorny
bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose
to
me..."
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to
his
wife...
"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little
restaurant
we ate at last night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her
face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality."I don't
like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked the astonished
mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking
about St. Paul, and it never once mentions
Minneapolis."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rich man went to his pastor
and said, "I want you and your wife to
take a three-month trip to the Holy
Land at my expense. When you come
back, I'll have a surprise for
you."
The pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to
the
Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by
the wealthy
member, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new
church
built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said the
man.
"No expense was spared."
And he was right. It was a magnificent
edifice both inside and out. But
there was one striking difference. There was
only one pew, and it was
at the very back.
"A church with only one
pew?" asked the pastor.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man
said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals
entered
the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down.
When the pew
was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the
gears meshed, a
belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to
move forward. When it
reached the front of the church, it came to a
stop. At the same time, another
empty pew came up from below at the
back and more people sat down.
And
so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the
church
was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the pastor,
"Marvelous!"
The service began, and the pastor started to preach his
sermon. He
launched into his text, and when 12 o'clock came, he was still
going
strong, with no end in sight.
Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap
door in the floor behind the pulpit
dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said
the congregation,
"Marvelous!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Larry: I'm on a new diet. I only eat food that
swims.
Luna: That sounds great! Fish is very healthy for
you.
Larry: Yuck, forget fish! Do you realize how much trouble I'm
having
teaching a cow to dog-paddle?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Technician
and his General Manager board
a train headed through the mountains on its
way
to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except
for two seats right
across the aisle from a young
woman and her grandmother.
After a
while, it is obvious that the young woman
and the young tech are interested
in each because
they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train
passes into a tunnel and it is pitch
black. There is a sound of the smack of
a kiss
followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.
When the train
emerges from the tunnel, the four
sit there without saying a word.
The
grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was
very brash for that young man to
kiss my
granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General
manager is setting there thinking: "I
didn't know the young tech was brave
enough to kiss
the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him
when she
slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm
glad
the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not
slapped
him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile
on his face. He
thought to himself: "Life at Boeing
is good. How often does a guy have the
chance to kiss
a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all
at the
same time!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a redhead, and a
blonde were on their way to Heaven. God
told them that the stairway to Heaven
was 1000 steps, and that on every
5th step He would tell them a joke. He told
them not to laugh at any of
the jokes along the way or else they would not be
able to enter Heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the
45th step, so she
could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and
started laughing on the 200th step, so she
could not enter Heaven
either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step,
she
started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't
tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first
joke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I noticed my husband standing on
the bathroom scale, sucking in
his ample stomach.
Thinking he was
trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I
quipped, "I don't think that is
going to help much, hon?"
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can
see the numbers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's this cathedral that's still being worked
on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get
material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage
elevators" is that the doors (gates) must be closed manually for them to be
"called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes
the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor
by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the
sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the
worker to send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral witnessed
the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens,
"Peter! Close the gates!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local
policeman had just finished his shift
one cold December evening and was at
home
with his wife. "You just won't believe what
happened this evening, in
all my years on the
force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes
dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one
of them was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating
fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!
What did you
do with them?"
"Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the
other
off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to
see the show featuring
Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us
why.
No amount of discussion could get him to change his
mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his
reluctance.
An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because.
. .
"They choose children from the audience to feed
Shamu."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bunch of cows and bulls are
standing in a field. A huge gust of wind
comes along and all the cows fall
over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the
gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty
soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to
the ground,
but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a typhoon comes through and
all the cows are knocked into the next
pasture. The bulls just say
"MOOoo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and
says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us right
over
and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies.
"We bulls wobble, but we don't
fall down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even if
you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked
her young
pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the
following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to
live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved
to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other
retarded
people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green
to look like grass.
They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags
because they don't
know who they are anymore.
They go to a building
called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all
right now. They play games and do exercises
there, but they don't do them
very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and
down in it with
their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At
their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.
He
watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then
they go
cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff,
but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they
eat the same thing every
night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't
get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so
the ones who get out bring
food back to the wrecked center and call it
pot luck.
My Grandma says
Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work
hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want
to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I
will let people out so they can visit
their grandchildren.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial.
The
judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Bob,
"I objected because my distinguished colleague
Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of
Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by
heart."
Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have
a
hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few
words."
Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge
allegiance
to the flag..."
"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money
from his pocket, "I didn't
think you'd know
it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill was attending her High School reunion
and was having a blast. As
the evening was drawing to a close, the master of
ceremonies for the
night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the
graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the
graduate
who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become
the
most successful, etc. And Jill wondered if she was going to get a
prize
too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name.
"Jill,
you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in
"And
champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant,
economy
size bottle of aspirin."
"Don't bother with the aspirin," Jill
replied. "It's obvious with these
many kids that I've never had a
headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has
to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been
listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK
FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who
LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front
door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404)
875-XXXX and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
LOOK UNDER
BUGGS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once
a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great"
writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write
stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain,
desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
.???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob was joining the army and they were
handing
out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line.
When it got to Bob,
they had run out of guns.
The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
''This
is a magic broom -- point it at anybody,
say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they
will die.''
Bob was really worried because he didn't think
it would work,
but he got in line for bayonets,
thinking he might stand a chance if he
could
stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's
turn came and they
had ran out.
''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them
out. ''I will
give you this magic carrot -- point
it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity
stab,'
and they will die."
Now Bob is terrified, going into battle
with
a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling
invasion. Bob
goes out, only to be laughed at
by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to
him,
hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't
have anything to
lose so he pointed at him and
said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy
fell
down dead. He did the same thing with the magic
carrot.
Amazed at
what was happening, he continued
to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him
and
he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab
him, but he wouldn't
die. The last words poor
Bob heard were
''Tankity tankity
tank.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very distinguished
lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to
a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a
favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is
the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I
paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits
and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could
hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must
realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am
sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair
remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest
presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to
declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs
officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest
replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women,
but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs
officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CARL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
A Texan walks into a
pub in Ireland and clears
his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I
hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars
to anybody in
here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness
back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no
one takes up
the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later
the same
gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your
bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks
the bartender
to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately
the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses, drinking them all
back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and
says, "If ya don't
mind me askin', where did
you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The
Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to
the pub down the street to see if I
could
do it first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't
decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver
for vacation,
so I called the airlines to get prices. "Air-
fare to Denver is
$300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake
City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00,
but there
is a stopover."
"Where?" I
asked.
"Denver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly
Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started
when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's
there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed,
St.
Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes
back; again, no
one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going
to hide
and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment
later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out
and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps
ringing the bell?"
"Yes,
that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell
and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he
replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roger and Nancy were married
for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a
second wedding. They were discussing
the details with their
friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a
traditional bridal gown and she
started describing the dress she was
planning to wear. One of her
friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress. Nancy
replied, "Silver."
At that point, Roger chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match
her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at Roger's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So Roger, I guess you are going
barefoot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy wanted to be a
farmer so he headed to this farm. he arrived and noticed a pig with only three
legs. He asked the farmer why the pig has only three legs? Well you see me and
Mae were asleep one night upstairs and the house caught fire, well that pig
raced upstairs and told us the house was on fire that pig saved our lives such a
good pig. Well I am glad that the pig saved your life but WHY does he only have
three leg's? Well I tell ya, i was out plowing the field and the tractor turned
over on me and that pig ran and pulled me out from under that tractor, That pig
saved my life, Such a good pig. Well that is wonderful but it still doesn't
explain why the pig only has three leg's? Such a good pig hate to eat him all at
once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~strickland6936~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a frequent
flier, I get annoyed when other passengers
disregard the airline
attendant's pleas to stay seated when
the plane taxies to the
gate. One attendant captured my heart
by announcing:
"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So
if I were you, I'd remain seated."
**** Quickies ****
What did
the doctor say to the patient after surgery?
That's enough out of
you.
~
The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital
gowns
-- you only think you're covered
~
"Personally," a father
remarked, "I have my doubts about solar energy. My son has spent most of his
life on the beach, and he has less energy than anyone I know."
~
"The meeting of the clairvoyant society
has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."
~
Do you know why, traditionally, we drink
on New Year's Eve? Actually , it was done originally for health reasons. See,
drinking the gin and scotch is nature's way of flushing the eggnog and
fruit-cake out of your system.
~Jay
Leno~
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** HEALTH NEWS
****
Some medical terms must be updated
BOSTON, -- The terms "hypertension" and
"microalbuminuria"
may be obsolete, say two Boston physicians in
the first
2006 issue of the journal Kidney International. Drs.
J.P.
Forman and B.M. Brenner of Brigham and Women's Hospital
in
Boston discuss the terms that define a large portion of
the
population as having "normal" levels of blood pressure
and
albuminuria. They say blood pressure increased as
human
stature and environment changed during the last 10,000
years.
Blood pressure that doctors today consider "normal" is
much
higher than what we evolved to tolerate, the scientists
said.
Forman and Brenner suggest the medical world should move
to
terminology that doesn't imply a normal range, and
suggest
"blood pressure-associated" and
"albuminuria-associated"
disease replace "hypertension" and
"micro-albuminuria." The
researchers say the issue has a broader
application in
clinical medicine, and the definition of "normal"
should be
re-evaluated among a variety of other parameters, such
as
hyperglycemia and
obesity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STUDY: PEOPLE DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS
With New Year's resolutions coming close, a study finds
people
in Britain are more depressed, anxious and taking more
drugs.
Researchers found Britons are getting taller but also
much
bigger around the waist. Men born in 1970 had an
average
height of 72 inches in their 30s, compared with 70
inches for
those born 24 years earlier. Women were 65.5 inches
on average
compared with 65 inches for those born 24 years
earlier. Modern
U.K. mothers are less likely to breast feed
their children,
according to the report entitled Changing
Britain, Changing
Lives produced by the Institute of
Education.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atherosclerosis studied
using mice
NEW YORK, -- A 2-year study by New York
researchers has
linked exposure particulate air pollution and
hardening
of the arteries. Mice fed a high-fat diet and exposed
to
air with fine particles had 1.5 times more plaque
produc-
tion than mice fed the same diet and exposed to
clean
filtered air. Plaque, a fatty deposit on the inner
lining
of the blood vessels, can predispose individuals to
condi-
tions such as heart attacks and strokes. The
National
Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, part of
the
federal National Institutes of Health, and the
U.S.
Environmental Protection Agency provided funding for
the
study to researchers at the Mount Sinai School of
Medicine
and the New York University School of Medicine. The
study
results are published in the Dec. 21 issue of the
Journal
of the American Medical
Association.
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&
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every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
Labonte climbs into No. 43 car for Kentucky
test
From Track Press Release
SPARTA, Ky. -- Crew chief Todd Parrott and driver Bobby
Labonte ushered in a new era for the storied Petty
Enterprises No. 43 Nextel Cup Series car Wednesday with
a
test at Kentucky Speedway.
Labonte, the 2000 series champion
who finished 24th in the
2005 standings with Joe Gibbs Racing,
and Parrott, who
helped Dale Jarrett win the 1999 series title
with Robert
Yates Racing, will join new Exec. VP of Operations
Robbie
Loomis, who guided Jeff Gordon to 23 wins and the
2001
championship with Hendrick Motorsports, in an attempt
to
rejuvenate a Petty program that hasn't scored a
series
race win since Loomis last worked there in
1999.
Temperatures in the low to mid 20s didn't curb
the
enthusiasm both crew chief and driver expressed for
their
new project during their first test together. The new
team
agreed that the focus of the one-day test was to begin
to
establish solid team communications.
"It's different," Labonte said. "I was kind of jittery at
first because it's been 11 years since I've had anything
like this go on. It's a little too cold here for me, but,
so
far, so good.
"I'm just real excited to work with Todd and
all these
guys. Hopefully, I understand Todd and when I talk,
he
can understand the language I'm talking. For us, today
is
about getting a feel for everybody and everybody
getting
a feel for Todd. He's the main character here that
everyone
will have to look up to. When I'm on the racetrack,
they've
got to know what to do next and he's the guy leading
them."
Parrott was encouraged by his team's early
results.
"Not to say that we're not looking for great
success right
off the bat, but I'm throwing things at him, he's
feeling
it and that's good. Just from some things he's said
this
morning, I think it's going to be a great
year."
Both veterans also spoke about the reasons behind
their
respective moves to Petty Enterprises.
"I just thought that I needed something different at Gibbs,"
Labonte said. "Those people treated me great and I had a
great time there, but I felt like a change was needed. The
Petty operation is very similar in that the people are real
sincere. I felt like I could fit in here, kind of like when
I went to Gibbs. I had some other opportunities, and they
were awesome, but this is the No. 43. When I put my heart
to
it in terms of my family and myself, I felt like this
was the
place I'd like to be.
"Robbie was the first domino that fell
into place here and
that attracted me because I know his
leadership will be a
plus. Then, we were able to get Todd. What
a no-brainer that
was. I guess it goes to show you that the
Pettys weren't
happy with just sitting there after the way
they've run the
past couple years."
Parrott's arrival for the 2006 season brings him to the
place where he started his Nextel Cup Series career and a
team that holds sentimental value for his family.
"My
dad (Buddy) was a crew chief for Richard Petty in 1984
when he
won his last two races. I worked on that team and,
now, some 22
years later, I'm in the same role my dad was
with Petty
Enterprises and the No. 43 car.
"I wasn't real sure what was
going to happen at Yates and
I'd been talking with Robbie a
little bit during the second
half of the (2005) season. We
would've liked to have kept
things the way they were at Yates,
but Robert felt more
changes needed to be made. Once that was
done and they
released me, I gave Robbie a call and we sat down
and
talked."
That talk led to the formation
of a new guard at Petty
Enterprises which is confident its
combined experience,
along with that of team owners Richard and
Kyle Petty,
will help the No. 43 car become an annual title
contender.
"It gives you a lot of confidence knowing you've
got a
driver that's got a great feel (for the car) and a
history
of winning races and championships," Parrott said.
"He
knows what it takes to be there at the end of the
day.
Robbie learned a lot with Jeff Gordon, and I had 10
great
years with Yates and won a championship with Dale. This
is
a new deal and an opportunity for us as a group to
take
all the things we've learned and take Petty
Enterprises
back to the top."
Robert Yates
Racing joined the test. Drivers Matt McCall,
Steven Leicht, and
Justin Diercks split time in a research
and development
car.
Testing is scheduled to continue Thursday and Friday
when
Kyle Busch and his No. 5 Hendrick Motorsports machine
share
track time with J.J. Yeley and his No. 18 Joe Gibbs
Racing
ride.
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** COUNTRY
CALANDER ****
1922
Rose Lee Maphis born in Baltimore, Md.
1940 Ed
Bruce born in Keiser, Ark.
1983 Jessica Andrews
born in Huntingdon, Tenn.
1945 Gene Autry
charted two singles, "Don't Live a Lie"
and "I Want to Be
Sure"
1962 Glen Campbell debuted on the chart with
"Kentucky
Means Paradise"
2001 Alan
Jackson's September 11th song, "Where Were You
(When the World
Stopped Turning)", began the first of
five weeks at No. 1 on the
country chart
**** COUNTRY
MUSIC NEWS ****
Bonnaroo Won't Coincide With CMA Music
Festival
The Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival
will take place June 16-
18, 2006, in Manchester, Tenn., the
weekend following the
CMA Music Festival in Nashville. Although
Bonnaroo leans
more toward alternative pop and rock acts, past
performers
include Alison Krauss & Union Station, the Del
McCoury Band,
Old Crow Medicine Show, John Prine and Earl
Scruggs. The
CMA Music Festival will be held June 8-11 in
Nashville.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
No Peek Beef
Casserole
No Peek Beef Casserole
2 pounds stew
meat, cut into 1-inch cubes
1 envelope onion soup mix
1 can cream of
mushroom soup
1 (4 ounce) can mushrooms, drained
1/2 cup red wine or beef
broth
1/2 cup sour cream
Combine all ingredients except sour cream. Stir
together well. Add to
crockpot. Cover and cook on LOW for 8 to 12 hours or on
HIGH for 5 to 6
hours.
At the end of cooking, stir in sour cream.
Serve
over noodles or rice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIESTA
DEVILED EGGS
8 hard boiled
eggs
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 cup
mayonnaise
1/4 cup salsa
2 Tablespoons sliced
green onion
1 Tablespoon sour cream
salt to
taste
DIRECTIONS:
Slice eggs in half
lengthwise, remove yolks and set whites
aside. In a small bowl,
mash yolks with cheese, mayonnaise,
salsa, onions, sour cream
and salt. Evenly fill the egg
whites. Lightly sprinkle with
paprika if desired. Chill
until ready to serve.
Yield: 16
Appetizers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOT SUB
SANDWICHES
12 round Kaiser rolls (spring for the
good stuff)
1 pound deli ham lunchmeat
1 pound
hard salami lunchmeat
1 pound turkey breast
lunchmeat
1 pound sliced mozzarella cheese
1/2
yellow onion, thinly sliced
1/4 cup Italian Dressing
Oregano (or Italian seasoning)
12 sheets
aluminum
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350
degrees. Slice Kaiser rolls and lightly
brush 1 teaspoon of
dressing over each side. Divide the meat
among 12 rolls and
stack on bottom half of each roll using at
least a few slices of
salami per roll. Add a few onions on top
of the meat, then 2
slices of cheese per roll. Sprinkle lightly
with oregano or
seasoning and add top of roll. Wrap each in
aluminum foil making
12 flying-saucer looking wraps and pop in
oven for 15 minutes.
Serve warm right out of the foil.
Yield: 12
Sandwiches
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CROCKPOT BEEF
STEW
2 lbs. beef stew meat, cut into 1 inch pieces
1/4 c.
flour
1/2 tsp. pepper
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 bay leaf
3
potatoes, diced
1 stalk celery, sliced
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 c. beef
broth
1 clove garlic
1 tsp. paprika
2 onions, chopped
2 tsp. Kitchen
Bouquet (optional)
Place meat in crock pot. Mix flour, salt, pepper and
pour over meat. Stir to coat meat with flour. Add remaining ingredients and stir
to mix well. Cover and cook on low for 8-10 hours or high for 4 to 6 hours. Stir
stew thoroughly before serving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SWISS
STEAK
3 lbs. round steak, 1-1/2 inch thick
2 tsp. salt
1/4
tsp. pepper
2 med. onions, sliced 1/8 inch thick
1 (1 lb.) can tomatoes,
undrained
Trim excess fat from meat; cut into serving size pieces. Place raw
meat in bottom of crock; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Arrange onion slices
over meat; top with tomatoes. Cover. Place crock into outer shell. Cook. Cook on
Low setting, 8-10 hours or High setting 5 to 6 hours.
Makes 6
servings.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT
****
What causes warts?
![]() Warts are common and
contagious, caused by a viral infection with one of the Human Papilloma virus
strains. There are many types. Warts are usually passed by person to person
contact, though you can also get them by coming into contact with something that
was handled by somebody that has warts (like bedsheets and towels). They
typically disappear after a few months but, if untreated, can last for years and
can recur. A few Human Papilloma viruses are known to cause
cancer.
Possible treatments for warts include:
* Freezing after
which the wart and surrounding dead skin falls off by itself
* Freezing
and surgically removing the infected spot
* Treatment with chemical
compounds, usually salicylic acid
* Laser treatment
The following
household remedy is recommended for three consecutive days: Put the "wart cells"
in hot water with washing liquid. However it is difficult to prove whether the
warts disappear because of the household remedy or by an immune
reaction.
A household remedy whose efficacy has been ratified by at least
one study is placing a piece of duct tape (medical tape works too) over the
affected area for a week at a time, rubbing off the dead wart cells with a
pumice stone or emery board between tapings; this treatment is believed also to
work as a result of an heightened immune response at the site of the
wart.
Particularly stubborn warts may need to be cut off completely, but
this method should be used as a last resort, as it is both painful and can lead
to infection.
**** WABASH
VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
Cloudy
skies for Thursday night and some areas of fog will be possible.
The next
storm heads our way for later Friday with some showers possible
later on
Friday into Friday night and some snowflakes will be possible
but no
accumulation. Saturday will be cloudy and a little cooler before
much warmer
air arrives on Sunday with highs around 50! The next storm
will bring
showers by Sunday night and Monday. This storm will be
stronger and could
cause some t-storms by late Sunday night and Monday.
Monday will be very
mild as will Tuesday before the next storm arrives
on Wednesday. That mid
week storm could slow the upper air pattern
enough to give us some colder
weather by the end of next week.
-- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid:
Venus is the dazzling white "evening star" that you`ve been seeing in
the southwest during and shortly after dusk each day. During the first
two weeks of December, Venus will glitter the highest and brightest it
will be in the evening sky for all of 2005 and 2006. After that it will
rapidly fade and drop toward the horizon.
Thursday Night
Cloudy,
Areas of Fog
Low 32
Friday
Mostly Cloudy, PM Showers
Possible
High 44
Friday Night
Light Rain / Flurries
Low 32
Saturday
Mostly Cloudy
High 40
Low 32
Sunday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 50
Low 30
Monday
Showers, Possible
T-Storms
High 55
Low 38
Tuesday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 48
Low
35
Wednesday
Showers
High 45
Low 35
Thursday
Partly Sunny
High 40
Low 32
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
The best way to
save face is to keep the lower half shut.
TOON
TIME
Take A Peek
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22267.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22267.htm ">
Here!</a>
Fun
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22266.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22266.htm ">
Here!</a>
Last Drop
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22265.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22265.htm
">
Here!</a>
Deer John Letter
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/016.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/016.htm">
Here </a>
Doggy Dreams
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/017.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/017.htm">
Here </a>
Flapjacks...err..catz...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1259.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1259.html">Here!</a>
Happy 40th
http://buffalosjokes.com/3326.htm
Friends
http://buffalosjokes.com/3332.htm
Wolfs
Shadow
http://buffalosjokes.com/3301.htm
For
Sale
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22270.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22270.htm
"> Here!</a>
Speech Impediment?
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22269.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22269.htm
"> Here!</a>
Rubber Sheets
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22268.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22268.htm
"> Here!</a>
Drive Carefully
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/019.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/019.htm">
Here </a>
Beware Of Dog
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm
<a
href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/020.htm">
Here </a>
Speed Maniac (repeat)
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1260.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1260.html">Here!</a>
DONT
YOU DARE BARK
http://buffalosjokes.com/3303.htm
OMG
http://buffalosjokes.com/31367.htm
Life
In Motion
http://buffalosjokes.com/31368.htm
LAST
CALL Y'ALL
You Know You Are In Mormon Country
If...
...you have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever".
...when
you shop on Sunday, you post date your check. ...you were an aunt
or
uncle before the age of three. ...your spouse's mother was pregnant
at
your wedding. ...your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night
out.
...you consider "dam" a swear word. ...your first child was conceived
on
your honeymoon. ...you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night
football.
...your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday. ...you
drink
caffinated coke from a brown paper bag. ...at least two of your
salad
bowls are at the home of
neighbors.
...you think Jack Daniels is
a country western singer.
...you negotiate prices at garage sales.
...you
think women should stop having kids at 34 because
35 is just too
many.
...you can make Jell-O salad without a recipe.
...you heard about
BYU football in testimony meeting.
...you have two gallons of ice cream in
the freezer at
all times.
...your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a
liberal.
That's all folks
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~CARL~~~~~~~~~
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the
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~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
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