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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY JANUARY 02,2006  THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Alone again The children said they'd feed me, Said they'd brush me every day, They'd play with me and walk me, If only I would stay. But now the family hasn't time, They often say I shed. They won't allow me in the house, Not even to be fed. The children never walk me. They always say, "Not now!" I wish that I could please them. Won't someone tell me how? All I have is love, you see, I wish they would explain, Why they said they wanted me Then left me on a chain. Visit your dog today PLEASE The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings The average dog is
a nicer person than the average person. After an exhausting weekend, I woke up on Monday morning and
sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old. When I got home from work late that
day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting I see her. "What's this
all about?" I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the
drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane
and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to
feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their
company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of
the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm
indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies:
"If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't
even take off."
This is called
Confidence!!
MAY YOU HAVE THE SAME
CONFIDENCE IN THE NEW
YEAR. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Oyster
The sign upon the cafe wall said, "Oysters: 50 cents." "How quaint," the blue-eyed sweetheart said, with some bewilderment. "I didn't know they served such fare out here upon the plain." "Oh, sure," her cowboy date replied. "We're really quite urbane." "I would guess they're Chesapeake, or Blue Point, don't you think?" "No, ma'm, they're mostly Hereford cross, and usually they're pink. But I've been cold, so cold myself, what you say could be true. And if a man looked close enough, their points could sure be blue!" She said, "I gather them myself out on the bay alone. I pluck them from the murky depths and smash them with a stone." The cowboy winced, imagining a calf with her beneath. "Me, I use a pocketknife and yank 'em with my teeth." "Oh my," she said. "You animal! How crude and unrefined! Your masculine assertiveness send shivers up my spine! But I prefer a butcher knife too dull to really cut; I wedge it in on either side and crack it like a nut. "I pry them out. If they resist, sometimes I use the pliers. Or even Grandpa's pruning shears, if that's what it requires!" The hair stood on the cowboy's neck; his stomach did a whirl- He'd never heard such grisly talk, especially from a girl! "I like them fresh," the sweetheart said, and laid her menu down. Then ordered oysters for them both when the waiter came around. The cowboy smiled gamely, though her words stuck in his craw. But he finally fainted dead away when she said, "I'll have mine raw." Taken from the California Farmer magazine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VERY INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE THINGS??? 1 If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side 2 If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. 3 Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 4 Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it. 5 The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'. 6 The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal. 7 The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing. 8 The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night. 9 Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 ti mes a day. 10 The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. 11 Dalmatians are born without spots. 12 Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. 13 The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for 'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings) 14 Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left 15 The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids 16 The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee 17 Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks 18 The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones 19 Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die 20 Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart 21 The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate 22 When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red 23 When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red 24 The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor 25 The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney 26 Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros 27 Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan 28 It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it 29 The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples 30 There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower 31 The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting 32 Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death 33 It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body 34 The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets 35 Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game 36 The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air 37 Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die 38 In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it is smiling ). 39 Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself." 40 The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot 41 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair 42 The average person laughs 13 times a day 43 Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil) 44 Women blink nearly twice as much as men 45 German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog 46 Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump 47 Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound 48 Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death 49 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the pers on died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause. 50 The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!! **** Quickies ****Whatever hits the fan
... won't spread evenly. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~ "When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice
skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. " Rodney Dangerfield
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** "Reach Out, Reach Out and Bust Someone, Say Police,"
Nat'l Law Jrl,
A New Jersey police detective really had a prison escapee's number. The fugitive will have another day in court now that he was nabbed after giving the detective the phone number for his pager and routinely returning the officer's calls. The escapee, Robert Bonet, 37, is back in prison after five months on the lam. If convicted of fleeing a state minimum-security prison in Ewing Township, a judge could sentence him to another five years behind bars. Butler Detective Richard J. Stoll says he rounded up Mr. Bonet in August by promising to deliver clothing the man had left behind when he left the Roserne Motor Lodge in Butler without paying his bill. The manager of the motel earlier had rejected Mr. Bonet's effort to pay the tab by writing a check on his ex-girlfriend's account. He kept Mr. Bonet's clothes and gave him a few days to pay off the $187 tab. Detective Stoll, called by the motel, initially thought he was dealing with a minor problem and offered to help by returning the clothes once the bill was paid. Mr. Bonet gave Detective Stoll his beeper number so the detective could reach him. They later spoke several times on the phone. On a hunch, the detective ran a computer check on Mr. Bonet and discovered he had fled prison, where he was serving one to four years for theft. "So I called him back again," Detective Stoll says, using the pager number. "I said I had his clothes." Mr. Bonet told the detective where he was staying, a Howard Johnson Motor Inn in nearby Wayne, and was quickly picked up. Mr. Bonet will be hauled into court to face additional charges for stealing the checks, forgery and theft of services, Detective Stoll says. **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** "Ninja Nun Has Bad Habit," Nat'l Law Jrl,
A 63-year-old Greek Orthodox nun who was involved in two armed standoffs with police returned home Aug. 29 after appearing in District Court in Dover-Foxcroft, Maine. Sister Maria Nau entered no plea to a charge of criminal threatening. Judge Jessie Gunther granted her release without bail on the condition that she have no contact with firearms. Wearing black from head to toe, Sister Nau repeatedly blessed herself before and after the hearing. She said nothing. District Attorney Christopher Almy says authorities had no desire to keep the woman in jail. "She can't hear. She can't see. And she's afraid of people. She's a recluse," Mr. Almy says. Nevertheless, authorities want to send a message that "she has to handle herself differently," he says. We don't want her to have any guns. We don't want her to have any starter's guns. The events leading to her arrest began Aug. 26, when a warden came to her cabin near Silver Lake to investigate a fire. After the warden reported that "a woman dressed like a ninja" had threatened him with a gun, troopers stood outside her cabin for five hours. She refused to talk to them and they eventually left. Eight troopers returned Saturday with a search warrant. Again, the nun refused to cooperate, leading to another standoff. Troopers finally broke down the door and arrested her. They also seized a starter pistol. Trooper Matt Grant says Sister Nau was born in France and had lived in convents, monasteries and otherwise in seclusion for more than 40 years. "She just wanted to keep to herself. But because people didn't understand her, they thought she was a danger," Trooper Grant says. "She just doesn't deal with people." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dew Yew spend Thyme with your Palms in the dirt? Trying to Spruce up the place? Chive got the place Fir you then! Come join us over in the A1Gardening Gruup....I'm not an expert in the Feild, but I would be Gladiolus to try to Kelp. Lettuce have a chance....you'll Forget-Me-Not! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a true one:
Several years ago when my nephew was about 5 years old, and the only child at the time in the family, we spent a lot of time with him. (no, that's not the funny part!) Anyway, he was at that age of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and after fighter pilot, secret spy and racecar driver, we suggested a proctologist. Why? he asked. "Because the work is so fun." we replied. Well, he didn't know what one was, but with several of his favorite aunts and uncles (all childless at the time) suggesting it, he thought it was a good idea and proceeded to tell his parents at the dinner table that night. They weren't so thrilled, but we laughed so hard at the looks on their faces that tears rolled down ours! But that's not all folks . . . A couple of months later, they gave a very nice Christmas party and invited all the bigwigs they knew (the boss, business associates, several church members, etc.) as well as us favorite aunts and uncles. We had all forgotten about little John's (yes, his name really is John) new profession and had assummed he had too . . . and then we hear this little voice capturing the attention of everyone in earshot as he says to the boss's wife and several others . . . "Guess what I'm going to be when I grow up??" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** ON THIS DAY
**** Been said many times - but going
into 2006, never hurts to say it again, as my dad used to say what's good for
the goose is good for the gander ... if you want to separate church and state
(according to the current interpretation since the people that created the
constitution obviously didn't know what they meant) ... then states truly
shouldn't celebrate any type of religious holidays ... just being
fair.
THE LAW IS THE LAW
So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it; And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it. And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, of which they deem their authority, then so be it. I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen. I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have my best interest at heart. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE? I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter as well as Sundays, I'd like the Senate and the House of representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other days of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct". This would not effect any "non-governmental" business since everyone else still has the freedom of religion, we could all still enjoy our holidays So I guess if they continue to bow to the wishes of the few, & if this e-mail gets out to the right people, maybe they would bow to the wishes of the many. So be it........... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where is the composer Mozart
buried? The reason the rich are stingy is the reason they are rich.
Beware of Dog Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by McAfee, Inc. 3965 Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054 also Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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