Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

"HOPE"

It's magic and it's free
It's not in a prescription
It's not in an IV.

It punctuates our laughter,
It sparkles in our tears,
It simmers under sorrows,
And dissipates our fears.

Do you know what Hope is?
It's reaching past today,
It's dreaming of tomorrow,
It's trying a new way,

It's pushing past impossible
It's pounding on the door,
It's questioning the Answers,
It's always seeking more,

It's rumors of a breakthrough,
It's whispers of a cure,
A rollercoaster ride
Of remedies, unsure.

Do you know what Hope is?
It's candy for the soul,
It's perfume for the spirit,
To share it, makes you Whole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years,
I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a
customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over
twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped
you carry it in?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Son: Dad, do you think that the American Indians were
superior to the white men who took this land from them?
Father: You bet. When the Indians were the sole occupants
of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized
government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no
stock
markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work. What
could be
more superior to that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing
Christmas music on the radio. They were playing that song,
"He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're
awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So ap-
parently Santa works for the National Security Agency."
--Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"McDonald's has come out with their own line of credit card,
called the Arch Card. I have one, right in my wallet next
to my Taco Bell Gold Card." --Dave Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John,
"How come you aren't married?"

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and
house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have
a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to
have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American woman living in India was having a simple electrical installation done by a native electrician. He bothered her so much for instructions that she at last said, irritably, "You know what I want; just use your common sense and do it."
The electrician bowed politely but said, "Madam, common sense is a rare gift of God. I have only a technical education."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"IF MY BODY WERE A CAR"

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are
too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little
MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split
open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all
belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood! Air bag's?
Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not
counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my
odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's
the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against
depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me
hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,
while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side
of the forest."
"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky
farmer asked.
"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off
three of his legs and he's still trapped."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    An applicant for a job admitted to a personnel manager that he had both good and bad traits. "What are they?" he was asked.
"Well," the man said, "on the good side I can do the job better than any man in the world. Twenty of the country;s largest companies are bidding for my services. I could probably double your business within a month, if you hire me."
"That's very impressive," said the manager. "Now, what are your bad traits?"
"Well," replied the applicant, "there's only one----I have been know to exaggerate now
and then. . . . "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
At the next table in a fast food restaurant, one youngster
was sobbing because he didn't get the toy he wanted with his food.
Another
dumped his drink over his sister's burger because she was stealing his
fries. Then the smallest fell off his chair. Clearly at the end of her
rope,
the mother dragged the boy up from the floor, placed him back into his
chair, and said, "Shut up, all of you, and eat your Happy Meals!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill was in the window seat on an airliner when another man sat in the
aisle seat and put his dog in the seat between them. When Bill looked
quizzically at the dog, the other man explained that they were both airline employees.
"Rover's a sniffer dog, one of the best. After we're airborne, I'll show you." Once they
had leveled off, the handler commanded, "Rover: search!" The dog jumped down,
walked down the aisle, stood beside a woman for a few seconds, then returned to its
seat and put a paw on his handler's arm. "Good boy!" He turns to Bill and said,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana. I've noted her seat number so the police
can apprehend her on our arrival." "Impressive!" replied Bill. The dog returned to the aisle,
sniffed a little, stood beside a man for a few seconds, then returned to its seat and placed
both paws on the handler's arm. "Good dog!" The airline rep said, "That man is carrying
cocaine. I've noted his seat number so the police can apprehend him on arrival."
Bill was even more impressed. Soon Rover was back to work, went down the aisle,
stood next to a man, and then raced back, jumped up on his seat, and pooped. Surprised
and disgusted, Bill asked, "What the hell is this?"
And the handler nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Christy Martin's family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the pefect tree. Hours later their feet would be freezing, but their mother would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."
One year Christy snapped, "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship and every night,
the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the
act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks
and started watching them very closely.

One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies
and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before your
eyes!"

"*Craaawk!*" said the parrot. "It's a fake!" *whistle* "He's got fake
legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared and the
magician was less than amused.

"Okay then, I will do a different trick," announced the magician. "Pick
a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen."

"*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot.

This heckling continued for several weeks and was completely ruining the
magicians act and needless to say, the magician grew to completely hate
this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet. One
night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the
upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom
decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to
safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from
the ship and landed in his lifeboat.

Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot,
the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in
the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke down...
"*Craaawk!* OKAY, BUDDY! What d'ya do with the ship!!??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I
went to my mother to complain. Trying to console
me, my dad said that men are not all like this
all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you
have to parallel park?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle
gym out there.

It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing.

My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer
"Yes Sir" and "No Sir," and my teacher is a woman.

She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils.

In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words,
one was cool and the other was lousy. I said,
"Cool, tell us the lousy one first."

In science, she asked, "what would happen if
one of the stars in Orion's belt went out?"
I told her his pants would fall down.

She asked, "Why do astronauts wear space
suits?" I said, "To cover their space underwear."

In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in
Kentucky. I said "O.K., I'll name one Waldo and
the other Heathcliff."

And I don't like math at all, there's just too many
problems.

We eat in the cafeteria. For lunch yesterday we
had Roast Beef, bread and butter. The roast
beef was so tough it challenged me to a fight after
school. The bread was so stale I took it to show
and tell in history class. I'd tell you about the
butter but I don't want to spread it around.

They gave us animal crackers for dessert. On
the outside of the box it said "Do not eat if seal is
broken." Of course ... (these are third grade
jokes, try to keep up)

After lunch we had a test. I used to hate taking
tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game.
Now I hate games.

I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in
spelling.

My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same
test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more
time I might pass it.

My teacher knows all the answers, of course,
she makes up all the questions.

But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made
the P.T.A.'s Most Wanted list.

Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And
his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything!

Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his
homework. We didn't believe him until his dog
graduated from Yale.

When I get home from school, it takes me about
an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father
helps.

I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought
me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words
to thank him.

My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought
that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable.

I was doing geography homework and I asked him
where I would find the Catskills. He said, "I don't
know, your mother puts everything away!"

When my father saw my report card, he said I
was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in
history.

Thanks, and have a good day at school !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Security was tight down at Time Square for New Year's Eve.
You couldn't bring guns, knives, alcohol. You had to buy all
those items right there at Time Square." --Dave Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher was very curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas Eve. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do
on Christmas Eve?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class.
"Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to
midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late
and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our
stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring
our presents."

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now
Isaac Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes
home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive
to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the
empty shelves and sing.."What a friend we have in Jesus".
Then we go to the Bahamas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The abcs of Aging"