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Subject: The Daily Funnies - January10, 2006



 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to
 T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

TUESDAY JANUARY 10,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Friendship is forgetting what one
gives and remembering what one receives


 411  CALLS

  Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls.
When you need to use 411, simply dial 1 800 FREE 411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call if you are using a cell phone.

This is information people don't mind receiving, let people know!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~LEE ANN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes were talking over coffee one morning
about men.  Susan said, "I can't understand why
men are so afraid of commitment."
Debbie replied, "Tell me about it! I dated one guy
for a year and a half, and I finally had to give
him an ultimatum.
"What did you say?" Susan asked
"I just told him, 'Look, either you tell me your
last name, or it's over!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS  IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! 

If  a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff  like:

When  loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never  pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow  the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy. 

When  it's in your best interest, practice obedience. 


Let  others know when they've invaded your territory. 


Take  naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play  daily. 


Thrive  on attention and let people touch you. 


Avoid  biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your  back on the grass. 


On  hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're  happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 


No  matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout..! run  right back and make friends. 

Delight  in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop  when you have had enough. 


Be  loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies  buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be  silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently. 

SEND  THIS TO PEOPLE YOU  CARE ABOUT. . . I JUST DID
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.  

"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your  
warehouse."  

"Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when:

Your old hangouts used to be the sports bar and the
coffee shop ... Now it's the pharmacy and the
bathroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop.
The man said, "How about a date later?" "I'm married," she answered.
With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your
girlfriends."
"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."
~~
THAT'S WHY I HAVE A LADY BARBER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shame on You."
 
My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle
finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say
only,

 
"Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say,
"Shame on you" to that person.
 
A few weeks later we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a
huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying,
 
"Shame on you."
 
Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up
her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed,
 
"Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"KITCHEN SIGNS" 
 
I clean house every other day. Today is the 'other' day!
 
So this isn't "Home Sweet Home"... Adjust!
 
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
 
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
 
I would cook dinner but... I can't find the can opener!
 
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
 
A clean kitchen is the sign of a very wasted life.
 
I came. I saw. I decided to order take-out.
 
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
 
Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse!
 
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is just delirious!
 
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
 
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (an Oreo & a chocolate chip)
 
Help keep this kitchen clean. Let's eat out!
 
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
 
Husband and dog missing. $100 reward for dog.
 
Pardon the mess. Our maid and butler quit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The McDonalds Hot Coffee Nightmare just goes on and on and on! The latest to sue is a woman in Murphysboro, Illinois.

She claims coffee scalded her ankle when it spilled in her car. She's claiming $450,000. She's suing the restaurant manager, McDonalds, and the makers of the paper cup.

Mentioned as potential defendants are: The coffee manufacturer, the plantation in South America which grew the coffee beans, the guy who ground the coffee beans, the manufacturer of the coffee grinder, the company that canned the coffee, the trucking company that shipped the coffee to McDonalds, the manufacturer of the coffee maker that boiled the water, the paper company that made the filter that filtered the coffee, the plumber who installed the pipes so that water is available in McDonalds, the electrician who installed the electrical outlet the coffee maker was plugged into, the employee who handed her the coffee, the employees parents for not teaching their offspring to warn people about hot coffee, the manufacturer of the glass in the drive-thru window through which the coffee was handed to her, ... and of course ' Ronald McDonald ' for enticing her into a store which sells dangerous products to women drivers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beware, these people are in the gene pool and reproducing!
 
Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded
like gunshots coming from the
 
brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller:
No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my
house and took a bite out of
 
my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham
and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came
back from the bathroom, someone had taken
 
a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was any! thing else taken? Caller: No, bu
t this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency? Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher:
How can I help you sir? Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept.
put snow chains on their trucks? Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an
emergency? Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these
chains on my tires and... well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come
over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these
chains on my car!
 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm
trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was
nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the
same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller : My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher:
Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
 
And the winner is..........
 
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all
out of breath. Darn.. I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir,
where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and
Foster. Damn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you
an asthmatic? Caller: No. Dispatcher: What were you doing before you
started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stupid neither forgive nor forget;
the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over
and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's
jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration
about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51
days!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly found himself surrounded by fierce-looking natives! As they moved closer, he remembered an old trick he saw in a movie.

Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked the flame towards the leader of the natives.

Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped, "Wow! That's incredible!"

"You'd better believe it's incredible," said the man, all the while waving the flame at him.

"It certainly is," says the leader. I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies
 ****
 There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called
it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man
get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little
dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish
fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're
the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of.





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recipe,
send your request to:
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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****
STUPID AWARDS

  
   #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA.  Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother
decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property
with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal
firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick
of dynamite.  They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from
the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the
window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.  Deciding Mr.
Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a
nearby hospital.  While walking towards their car, Ani was
stung three times by the surviving bees.  Unbeknownst to
either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of
suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his
beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.  According to police,
Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver)
to Ken's head and fired.

#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ.  An unidentified 29 year old male
choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer at a local establishment.  'I didn't think
he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger"
said, adding "He was really drunk."

#4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a
colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his
bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife
attack.  It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart
wound, (it's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of
the Darwin Awards.)

#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a
tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck.  He tied the other
end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set
fire to his clothes.  He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol.  The bullet missed
him completely and cut through the rope above him.  Free of
the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.  The sudden
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the
poison.  He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman
and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA.  A Renton,
Washington man tried to commit a robbery.  This was
probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had
no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices as listed below:
1.  The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
    substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to
    carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
    patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
    having coffee before reporting to duty.  Upon seeing the
    officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a
    few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
    removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers
    also drew their guns, but didn't fire.  No one else was hurt.


AND THE  WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.

#7 - Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31,
was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave
radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep
warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson
Tanya Cooke.  She noted that Bakers earlier infraction was for
defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted
maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish.  He had told co-workers that it was the only
way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below
zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human
tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve
pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned
directly in line with the strongest microwave beam.

Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave
power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in
holiday long-distance calling traffic.

Bakers body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John
Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a
Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a
surprise.  Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that
Bakers unfinished beers had exploded.


**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Man Chooses Girlfriend Over Elvis

Hundreds of pieces of Elvis Presley memorabilia were auctioned off over the weekend by a longtime collector trying to win back his girlfriend after she warned: "You leave the Elvis clothes or I'll leave you."

The items auctioned included three Elvis concert suits, two of which sold for $125,000 and $50,000, said Alan Lipkin, senior vice president of Regency-Superior, which organized the online auction. The third was still on the auction block.

Also sold were necklaces Elvis gave to girlfriends and friends, cufflinks he received from President Nixon and belt buckles he wore, Lipkin said.

The seller, Jim Curtin, collected 600 cartons of Elvis memorabilia for more than 30 years and met the star several times.

His unrelenting adoration eventually got the attention of Elvis, who personally presented Curtin with a white jumpsuit he wore in a Houston concert in 1974, according to the Regency Web site.

So why give up the lifetime collection?

"He's doing this to try to win back his girlfriend," said Lipkin.

Attempts to reach Curtin, who lives in Philadelphia and has an unlisted number, were unsuccessful.

Total auction sales wouldn't be tabulated until Tuesday, but organizers estimate the take could reach $2 million.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mouse Thrown Into Fire Sets Home Ablaze

A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.

"I've seen numerous house fires," village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, "but nothing as unique as this one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Escaped Cow May Not Be Doomed After All

A spirited cow that jumped a slaughterhouse gate and evaded capture for six hours has drawn clemency pleas and may not be doomed after all.

Appeals to spare the life of the 1,200-pound heifer came from across the nation after she fled Mickey's Packing Plant on Thursday. She had several near-death experiences before walking into a makeshift pen and then a stock trailer.

She was nearly struck by road and rail traffic, she almost drowned while crossing the Missouri River and she refused to be subdued by three tranquilizer darts.

The manager of Mickey's Packing Plant said the animal he dubbed "Molly B." probably will be spared the killing floor. Employees at Mickey's voted 10-1 to keep her alive.

"At this point, I have no desire to slaughter her," manager Del Morris said. "If the owner insists, I'll have to tell him to take her somewhere else."

Morris said the owner is willing to sell Molly B., who remained at the packing plant after her capture, but wants more than the estimated $1,140 she is worth slaughtered. Morris declined to specify the new price, saying he wanted to confirm it Monday.

"We've had a lot of people show a lot of interest in the animal and its welfare," he said. "I don't think it's over. I think as days go by we'll be getting more calls."

Marie Bednar of Virginia Beach, Va., read the cow's story on a vegan Web site.

"That's not a dumb animal," Bednar said. "I hope it opens some peoples' eyes."

Francis James, a member of the board for Pig's Peace Animal Sanctuary in Stanwood, Wash., said there are "definitely people in Seattle wanting to buy the cow. Hopefully we can find the cow a home here in Seattle."

Another sanctuary, Pasado's Safe Haven in Sultan, Wash., also is interested in giving Molly B. a home.

"We're just interested in her ending up someplace safe," volunteer Larry Brothers said.

Missoula resident Annie Garde said she, too, wants to save the heifer.

"If they want to take up a collection to pay someone to keep the cow alive, I'd be more than happy to contribute," Garde said. "I probably won't become a vegetarian because of it, but it probably deserves to live. When one breaks out of the pack, it's so touching."


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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Laser sheds light on stroke patients
  

SAN DIEGO, -- A technique that creates and images blood  
clots in the brain may help researchers understand the  
small strokes implicated in many forms of dementia.  
University of California, San Diego researchers used a  
laser to trigger the formation of individual blood clots  
in tiny arteries of the brains of anesthetized rats to  
monitor the resulting changes in blood flow. They say  
their study provides a way to understand small strokes  
common in elderly humans. These strokes often cause no  
immediate symptoms, but they are thought to contribute  
to dementia and may ultimately cause larger strokes.  
The study is published in the online edition of the  
journal Public Library of Science Biology. In the study,  
the team members used tightly focused laser light to  
excite a dye that they had injected into the bloodstream.  
The excited dye reacted with oxygen to form a free  
radical, which "nicked" the cells lining the blood vessel  
at the target location, and triggered the natural blood  
clotting cascade.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
   
       "Bad" LDL cholesterol may benefit elderly  

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - LDL cholesterol is known as the  
"bad" cholesterol, because high levels are linked to heart  
disease, but low levels may not be good for the elderly. A  
new study of older men and women shows that higher LDL  
cholesterol levels are associated with decreasing mortality  
risk in women. For both men and women, the risk of fatal  
heart failure decreases with higher LDL cholesterol levels.  

The findings "add to the uncertainty of the role of elevated  
levels of LDL cholesterol as a risk factor for mortality in  
old people," according to the researchers who conducted the  
study.  

Dr. Valerie Tikhonoff of the University of Padua, Italy, and  
colleagues conducted a population-based study of 3120 sub-  
jects age 65 years or older, who were followed for up to 12  
years.  

Tikhonoff''s group reports in the Journal of the American  
Geriatric Society that the likelihood of dying during the  
follow-up period "was curvilinear ... decreasing nonlinearly  
with LDL cholesterol."  

The total mortality risk in relation to LDL level was J-  
shaped in men, meaning that the risk increased as LDL  
cholesterol levels fell below a mid range -- although the  
risk increased with high levels of LDL.  

Similarly, there was a J-shaped relationship to the risk of  
dying from cardiovascular causes for both sexes, and for the  
risk of having a fatal heart attack among men.  

"The key finding of this study was that, in older subjects  
with a low use of lipid-lowering drugs representative of  
the general Italian population, serum LDL cholesterol  
behaved as a multifaceted and predominantly nonlinear  
predictor of cardiovascular and all-cause mortality,"  
Tikhonoff and colleagues conclude.  

They add that results of lipid-lowering drug trials should  
be interpreted with caution in unselected elderly patients,  
because these findings contradict the usual association of  
high LDL cholesterol with mortality risk seen in younger  
patients.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


     Fatty liver predicts heart disease in diabetics  
  
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - The risk of cardiovascular  
disease is "moderately increased" in type 2 diabetics  
with nonalcoholic fatty liver disease, according to  
Italian researchers. Dr. Giovanni Targher and colleagues  
at Sacro Cuore Hospital of Negrar in Verona studied 2,103  
people with type 2 diabetes, who were free of cardio-  
vascular disease at the start of the study.  

During a 5-year follow-up period, 248 subjects developed  
nonfatal coronary heart disease -- defined as having a  
nonfatal heart attack or needing heart bypass or angio-  
plasty -- or suffered a stroke, or died of cardiovascular  
causes. These subjects were compared with 496 "controls"  
who remained free of heart disease.  

The team reports in the medical journal Diabetes, that  
individuals with fatty liver disease (that wasn't  
attributable to alcohol abuse) had an 84 percent high  
likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease.  

The investigators conclude that "the casual detection of  
nonalcoholic liver disease on an ultrasound" in type 2  
diabetics should alert doctors "to the coexistence of  
multiple underlying cardiovascular risk factors warrant-  
ing evaluation and treatment as much as the risk for  
advancing liver disease."  


**** ON THIS DAY ****

 Kids and Marrage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
  You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports she should like it that you like sports and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, 10
 
 
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
Freddie, 6
 
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
Derrick, 8
 
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 
Both don't want no more kids.
Lori, 8
 
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
 
Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynette, 8
On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, 10
 
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
 
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, 9
 
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 
When they're rich.
Pam, 7
The law says you have to be eighteen so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, 8
 
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
 
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain wouldn't there?
Kelvin, 8

 
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
 
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Piece of My Heart
 by Teresa Bell Kindred


I am the mother of five children. Each time one of them was born, I
gave them a piece of my heart. How do I know? Because when they started
school, started driving, started dating, and started college, my heart
went with them.

Last night, I was sitting at probably my one zillionth basketball game
beside my daughter, who was home visiting from college. Justin, who is
a senior in high school, went in for a lay up and suddenly he was on
the bottom of a pile of very large boys. I grabbed my daughter's hand
and squeezed it tightly, while saying a prayer that he would be safe.

"Mom," she laughed, "he's okay. Why are you freaking out?"

I looked at her and smiled. She isn't a mother yet. She doesn't
understand about giving away your heart.

Over the years, I realized that somewhere along life's journey part of
my soul had become attached to each piece of my heart that I had given
away. If my children were sad, so was I. When they hurt, I felt their
pain. When they fell in love, I rejoiced with them. When their heart
ached, so did mine. And then I became a grandmother! Guess what? I
didn't think I had more heart to give, but I was wrong.

My grandmother lived to be 89. She was blessed with many grandchildren
and great-grandchildren. When she died, even though I know it was
because her body finally failed her, my personal theory is she died
because she'd finally given away all of her heart and all of her soul
to her precious children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. God
took her home to make her heart and soul whole again. One day, I know
He will do the same for me.

The truly amazing thing about love is that you can't limit it. There is
nothing it can't do. It's bigger than the ocean. It is higher than the
sky. No matter how much you give away, there is always more to give.

I am especially humbled to think that as powerful as the love is that I
have for my family, God's love is greater. He loved all of humanity so
much that He gave His only son as a sacrifice for our sins. The story
of His love and the life of Jesus are truly the greatest love story of
all time. And isn't it amazing to think it all began with a tiny baby
in a manger and a mother who gave her son a small piece of her heart.

  But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke
  2:19 NKJV)

  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that
  whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting
  life. (John 3:16)






**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
Good news. Sounds like Sarah is progressing
through the Childress development program:

http://www.nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/
01/06/rchildress.development/



**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1911 Country music columinist Red O'Donnell born in Nashville  
  
1915 Les Paul born in Waukesha, Wis.  
  
1927 Manager Jack McFadden (Buck Owens, Billy Ray Cyrus)  
born in Sikeston, Missouri  

1940 Big Al Downing born in Centralia, Okla.  

1951 Crystal Gayle, born Brenda Gail Webb, in Paintsville, Ky.  
  
1954 Eddy Arnold's No. 1 single "I Really Don't Want To Know"  
charted  
  
1982 A parkway was named after Johnny Cash in Hendersonville,  
Tenn.  
  
1975 Charley Pride's Country Charley Pride and Did You Think  
to Pray albums are certified gold  

1965 Norma Jean joins the Grand Ole Opry  
  
2001 Terri Clark's Just the Same album certified platinum  

2002 Mary Chapin Carpenter's Come On Come On album certified  
quadruple platinum   

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
 Joaquin Phoenix, Shooter Jennings Play Folsom  

Joaquin Phoenix and Shooter Jennings visited California's  
Folsom State Prison on Tuesday (Jan. 3) for a brief acoustic  
concert and a screening of the Johnny Cash biopic, Walk the  
Line. More than 50 inmates watched the movie, according to  
The Associated Press. Cash recorded his landmark album Live  
at Folsom Prison there on Jan. 13, 1968. Phoenix stars as  
Cash in the movie. Jennings plays the role of his father,  
Waylon Jennings.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       Microsoft, MTV Unveil Windows Media?® Player 11  

Microsoft Corp. and MTV Networks, a division of Viacom Inc.,  
unveiled the new Windows Media?® Player 11 and offered an  
early look at the URGE digital music service during Thursday's  
keynote address at the 2006 International Consumer Electronics  
Show (CES) in Las Vegas. The presentation was made by Microsoft  
chairman and chief software architect Bill Gates, who was join-  
ed onstage by MTV Networks' Music Group president Van Toffler  
and pop music superstar Justin Timberlake. Windows Media?®  
Player 11 offers optimized device support and search capabil-  
ities that provide instant access to the entire URGE catalog  
of more than 2 million songs. Set to debut this year, URGE  
will offer a deep well of programming and editorial content  
to guide the consumer's digital music experience, including  
exclusive content from MTV Networks' CMT, MTV and VH1 brands.   
????????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Country album sales dropped 3.3 percent in 2005 -- to 75,327,000 units from the 2004 total of 77,912,000, according to Nielsen SoundScan, the company that monitors retail music sales. On the plus side for country, however, Rascal Flatts' Feels
Like Today ranked No. 7 in the Top 10 bestselling albums of all genres in 2005, and Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith were among the year's bestselling album artists.

The reported dip in retail traffic was cushioned somewhat by Garth Brooks' substantial but undocumented year-end sales. Because Brooks has been selling his current boxed set exclusively through Wal-Mart and Sam's Club -- which declined to report specific totals -- Nielsen SoundScan was unable to calculate their precise impact.

Feels Like Today sold 2,511,209 copies last year -- compared to Mariah Carey's topselling Emancipation of Mimi, which moved 4,968,606 units past the scanner. Chesney ranked No. 4 in overall number of albums sold in 2005 with a grand total of 4,371,680. The only artists outselling him in this category were Carey, 50 Cent and Green Day. Keith came in at No. 9 on the list with 3,132,721 hits at the cash register.

Shania Twain's Come On Over continued its reign as the bestselling album of all genres since SoundScan came into play in May 1991. As of Jan. 1, 2006, that album had sold 15,355,018 copies, outdistancing such competitors as Metallica, Alanis Morisette, the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears.

The year brought both good and bad news to America's recorded music industry. In sheer number of commercial transactions, 2005 sales were up 22.7 percent, reaching well over 1 billion units for the first time in history. This total includes not only albums sold but also singles, music videos and digital tracks.

But overall album sales were down 3.9 percent -- from nearly 681 million to just over 654 million units. (In calculating overall album sales, SoundScan includes all sales in the album format -- CD, cassettes, LPs and digital -- plus all digital downloads of single songs divided by 10, the average number of songs in a regular album.) Total album sales -- that is, those albums sold in all formats -- were down 7.2 percent. And country wasn't the only loser. Every other genre except Latin (which jumped 12.6 percent above the 2004 level) suffered a decline -- and all more severe than country. Classical music, for example, slumped by 15 percent.

Buying patterns shifted even more last year toward mass merchandisers (such as Wal-Mart and Best Buy), Internet merchants and digital transfers of music. By Nielsen SoundScan's measures, 40 percent of all albums purchased in 2005 were from mass merchants -- up from 38 percent last year. Internet album sales jumped 11.3 percent. And digital albums sales saw an astounding 194 percent increase -- bounding from 5.5 million units in 2004 to 16.2 million this past year.

Chain music stores saw their share of the album market slip from 48 percent to 45 percent, while independent record stores were squeezed from 9 percent to 7 percent of the action.

When it comes to purchasing albums and individual tracks, country fans are still not as digitally oriented as enthusiasts for other types of music. There are no country entries in Nielsen SoundScan's Top 10 lists for bestselling digital tracks, digital songs or digital artists of 2005.

Nielsen Broadcast Data Systems, which monitors airplay as opposed to sales, reports that four country artists were among those receiving the most exposure in 2005 -- Tim McGraw (No. 5), Toby Keith (No. 6), Keith Urban (No. 8) and Chesney (No. 9). Chesney's music video for "Anything but Mine" was the only country video making the Top 10 list. It clicked in at No. 6, beating out videos by Fall Out Boy, Usher, Amerie and Gorillaz.

There was one final indignity for country music. Nielsen RingScan, yet another monitoring service, says there were no country songs among the Top 10 polyphonic ringtones purchased during 2005.


Those ringtones sound like crap anyway.-Jb 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

"Cheeseburger Quiche"


1/2 lb. ground beef
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup milk
1/8 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
3 eggs, beaten
1 1/2 cups (6 oz.) shredded cheddar cheese, divided
1 unbaked pie shell (9 inch.)


Directions:

In a skillet, brown ground beef and onion; drain and set aside. In a mixing bowl, combine mayonnaise, milk, oregano, salt and pepper; beat in eggs. Stir in beef mixture and 1 cup cheese. Pour into pie shell. Bake at 350?° for 35-40 minutes or until set. Remove from oven and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Allow to stand 5 minutes before cutting. Yield: 6 servings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 "Crockpot Pork Ribs"
 
2 lbs boneless pork ribs
2 cans Coca-Cola (I use diet-Coke, since that's what I drink,
and it tastes just a great as regular coke)
1 cup tomato catsup
1/2 cup Worchestershire sauce
1/2 cup karo syrup
1/2 cup any prepared BBQ sauce (mesquite flavored is recommended)
1/8 cup yellow mustard
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon black pepper
4 teaspoons sugar
Chopped onion, peppers, garlic or other spices to your taste (optional)

Directions:
 
Place all ingredients in list in slow cooker and cook for 6-8 hours, until meat is tender.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

How are phobias named?

After the Latin or Greek root for the object of fear. For example: bibliophobia, which I may or may not have just made up, is a fear of books.

There are always exceptions and
weird ones, like any word--some of them are arbitrarily created, and some of them came about so long ago it's difficult to determine the actual etymology. The above is the most common formation, though.

The term phobia, which comes from the Ancient Greek word for fear (fobos). Phobias are the most common form of anxiety disorder. An American study by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) found that between 5.1 and 21.5 percent of Americans suffer from phobias.


**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER ****
http://www.wtwo.com/
Weather Summary:
Colder air moves in for Monday night as lows drop into the upper 20`s.
The next storm is taking shape southwest of here and will bring rain on
Tuesday. It will stay as rain on Tuesday night as temperatures stay
above freezing. The showers will be gone by early on Wednesday. Thursday
will be very mild with highs back into the mid 50`s! The next storm will
move our way for Friday. It looks like mainly a rain producer but some
snow could be possible before it ends later Friday night. It will be
cooler behind that storm for Saturday but still not bad for January.

-- Jesse Walker

Weather Factoid:
Mars will be high in the southeast at sunset. The red planet will lose
brightness during the month as our distance from it increases. Nearby to
the east will be the Pleiades star cluster, a beautiful sight in
binoculars. Mars will still outshine the bright orange star Aldebaran
close by on the left (east).

Monday Night
Mostly Cloudy
Low 28

Tuesday
Rain Developing
High 45

Tuesday Night
Periods Of Rain
Low 35

Wednesday
Possible AM Showers
High 48
Low 35

Thursday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 55
Low 32

Friday
Showers
High 45
Low 38

Saturday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 42
Low 30

Sunday
Partly Sunny
HIgh 45
Low 25

Monday
Showers Possible
High 46
Low 26

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. My harvest will be either flower or weeds. - Mel Weldon


TOON TIME

Remember
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3317.htm

Happy 40th
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3326.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3326.htm ">  Here!</a>

The Many Faces of George
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3322.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3322.htm ">  Here!</a>

Remember
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3317.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3317.htm ">  Here!</a>

Airplane Technology
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/029.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/029.htm"> Here </a>

TV Placement
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/030.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/030.htm"> Here </a>

Anything but that!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1291.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1291.html">Here!</a>

The Mess
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3311.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3311.htm ">  Here!</a>

Al Qaeda Beheading
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3310.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3310.htm ">  Here!</a>

White Buffalo Spirit
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3309.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3309.htm ">  Here!</a>


Firing The Cleaning Lady
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/027.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/027.htm"> Here </a>

The World Without Engineers
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm"> Here </a>




LAST CALL Y'ALL

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead
soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His
lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be
paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too
late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so
badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man
said, "One less lawyer . .


That's all folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
  

The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
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Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
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n any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.

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AMERICA
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