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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers TUESDAY JANUARY 10,2006 411 CALLS "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that
to you, just say,
"Shame on you" to that person. A few weeks later we were at the dinner table
when my husband let out a
huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."
Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held
up
her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you'
sign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "KITCHEN SIGNS"
I clean house every other day. Today is the 'other'
day!
So this isn't "Home Sweet Home"... Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it
yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but... I can't find the can
opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed
it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a very wasted
life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take-out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your
standards.
Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit
down,
converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse! A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is just
delirious!
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and
cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (an Oreo & a
chocolate chip)
Help keep this kitchen clean. Let's eat out!
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending
machines.
Husband and dog missing. $100 reward for dog.
Pardon the mess. Our maid and butler
quit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The McDonalds Hot Coffee
Nightmare just goes on and on and on! The latest to sue is a woman in
Murphysboro, Illinois. Beware, these people are in the gene pool and reproducing! Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was any! thing else taken? Caller: No, bu t this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency? Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks? Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency? Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller : My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.. I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No. Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Friendship Between
Women: The
stupid neither forgive nor forget;A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Christine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. "The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was on a safari deep, deep in the jungle when he suddenly found himself surrounded by fierce-looking natives! As they moved closer, he remembered an old trick he saw in a movie. Quickly, pulling out his Bic lighter, he flicked the flame towards the leader of the natives. Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped, "Wow! That's incredible!" "You'd better believe it's incredible," said the man, all the while waving the flame at him. "It certainly is," says the leader. I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out. * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. * The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" * Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!" * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. * Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. * I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** STUPID AWARDS #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. 'I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound, (it's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) #5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. #7 - Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Bakers earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Bakers body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Bakers unfinished beers had exploded. **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Man Chooses Girlfriend Over ElvisHundreds of pieces of Elvis Presley memorabilia were auctioned off over the weekend by a longtime collector trying to win back his girlfriend after she warned: "You leave the Elvis clothes or I'll leave you." The items auctioned included three Elvis concert suits, two of which sold for $125,000 and $50,000, said Alan Lipkin, senior vice president of Regency-Superior, which organized the online auction. The third was still on the auction block. Also sold were necklaces Elvis gave to girlfriends and friends, cufflinks he received from President Nixon and belt buckles he wore, Lipkin said. The seller, Jim Curtin, collected 600 cartons of Elvis memorabilia for more than 30 years and met the star several times. His unrelenting adoration eventually got the attention of Elvis, who personally presented Curtin with a white jumpsuit he wore in a Houston concert in 1974, according to the Regency Web site. So why give up the lifetime collection? "He's doing this to try to win back his girlfriend," said Lipkin. Attempts to reach Curtin, who lives in Philadelphia and has an unlisted number, were unsuccessful. Total auction sales wouldn't be tabulated until Tuesday, but
organizers estimate the take could reach $2
million. Mouse Thrown Into Fire Sets Home AblazeA mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire. Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it. "I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday. Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house. No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed. Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks. "I've seen numerous house fires," village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy
said, "but nothing as unique as this
one." Escaped Cow May Not Be Doomed After AllA spirited cow that jumped a slaughterhouse gate and evaded capture for six hours has drawn clemency pleas and may not be doomed after all. Appeals to spare the life of the 1,200-pound heifer came from across the nation after she fled Mickey's Packing Plant on Thursday. She had several near-death experiences before walking into a makeshift pen and then a stock trailer. She was nearly struck by road and rail traffic, she almost drowned while crossing the Missouri River and she refused to be subdued by three tranquilizer darts. The manager of Mickey's Packing Plant said the animal he dubbed "Molly B." probably will be spared the killing floor. Employees at Mickey's voted 10-1 to keep her alive. "At this point, I have no desire to slaughter her," manager Del Morris said. "If the owner insists, I'll have to tell him to take her somewhere else." Morris said the owner is willing to sell Molly B., who remained at the packing plant after her capture, but wants more than the estimated $1,140 she is worth slaughtered. Morris declined to specify the new price, saying he wanted to confirm it Monday. "We've had a lot of people show a lot of interest in the animal and its welfare," he said. "I don't think it's over. I think as days go by we'll be getting more calls." Marie Bednar of Virginia Beach, Va., read the cow's story on a vegan Web site. "That's not a dumb animal," Bednar said. "I hope it opens some peoples' eyes." Francis James, a member of the board for Pig's Peace Animal Sanctuary in Stanwood, Wash., said there are "definitely people in Seattle wanting to buy the cow. Hopefully we can find the cow a home here in Seattle." Another sanctuary, Pasado's Safe Haven in Sultan, Wash., also is interested in giving Molly B. a home. "We're just interested in her ending up someplace safe," volunteer Larry Brothers said. Missoula resident Annie Garde said she, too, wants to save the heifer. "If they want to take up a collection to pay someone to keep the cow alive, I'd be more than happy to contribute," Garde said. "I probably won't become a vegetarian because of it, but it probably deserves to live. When one breaks out of the pack, it's so touching."
**** HEALTH NEWS **** Kids and
Marrage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Country album sales dropped 3.3 percent in
2005 -- to 75,327,000 units from the 2004 total of 77,912,000, according to
Nielsen SoundScan, the company that monitors retail music sales. On the plus
side for country, however, Rascal Flatts' Feels
Like Today ranked No. 7 in the Top 10
bestselling albums of all genres in 2005, and Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith were
among the year's bestselling album artists.
The reported dip in retail traffic was cushioned somewhat by Garth Brooks' substantial but undocumented year-end sales. Because Brooks has been selling his current boxed set exclusively through Wal-Mart and Sam's Club -- which declined to report specific totals -- Nielsen SoundScan was unable to calculate their precise impact. Feels Like Today sold 2,511,209 copies last year -- compared to Mariah Carey's topselling Emancipation of Mimi, which moved 4,968,606 units past the scanner. Chesney ranked No. 4 in overall number of albums sold in 2005 with a grand total of 4,371,680. The only artists outselling him in this category were Carey, 50 Cent and Green Day. Keith came in at No. 9 on the list with 3,132,721 hits at the cash register. Shania Twain's Come On Over continued its reign as the bestselling album of all genres since SoundScan came into play in May 1991. As of Jan. 1, 2006, that album had sold 15,355,018 copies, outdistancing such competitors as Metallica, Alanis Morisette, the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. The year brought both good and bad news to America's recorded music industry. In sheer number of commercial transactions, 2005 sales were up 22.7 percent, reaching well over 1 billion units for the first time in history. This total includes not only albums sold but also singles, music videos and digital tracks. But overall album sales were down 3.9 percent -- from nearly 681 million to just over 654 million units. (In calculating overall album sales, SoundScan includes all sales in the album format -- CD, cassettes, LPs and digital -- plus all digital downloads of single songs divided by 10, the average number of songs in a regular album.) Total album sales -- that is, those albums sold in all formats -- were down 7.2 percent. And country wasn't the only loser. Every other genre except Latin (which jumped 12.6 percent above the 2004 level) suffered a decline -- and all more severe than country. Classical music, for example, slumped by 15 percent. Buying patterns shifted even more last year toward mass merchandisers (such as Wal-Mart and Best Buy), Internet merchants and digital transfers of music. By Nielsen SoundScan's measures, 40 percent of all albums purchased in 2005 were from mass merchants -- up from 38 percent last year. Internet album sales jumped 11.3 percent. And digital albums sales saw an astounding 194 percent increase -- bounding from 5.5 million units in 2004 to 16.2 million this past year. Chain music stores saw their share of the album market slip from 48 percent to 45 percent, while independent record stores were squeezed from 9 percent to 7 percent of the action. When it comes to purchasing albums and individual tracks, country fans are still not as digitally oriented as enthusiasts for other types of music. There are no country entries in Nielsen SoundScan's Top 10 lists for bestselling digital tracks, digital songs or digital artists of 2005. Nielsen Broadcast Data Systems, which monitors airplay as opposed to sales, reports that four country artists were among those receiving the most exposure in 2005 -- Tim McGraw (No. 5), Toby Keith (No. 6), Keith Urban (No. 8) and Chesney (No. 9). Chesney's music video for "Anything but Mine" was the only country video making the Top 10 list. It clicked in at No. 6, beating out videos by Fall Out Boy, Usher, Amerie and Gorillaz. There was one final indignity for country music. Nielsen RingScan, yet another monitoring service, says there were no country songs among the Top 10 polyphonic ringtones purchased during 2005. Those ringtones sound like crap anyway.-Jb **** Amy's Kitchen
**** Directions: In a skillet, brown ground beef and onion; drain and set aside. In a mixing bowl, combine mayonnaise, milk, oregano, salt and pepper; beat in eggs. Stir in beef mixture and 1 cup cheese. Pour into pie shell. Bake at 350?° for 35-40 minutes or until set. Remove from oven and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Allow to stand 5 minutes before cutting. Yield: 6 servings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Crockpot Pork Ribs" 2 lbs boneless pork ribs
2 cans Coca-Cola (I use diet-Coke, since that's what I drink, and it tastes just a great as regular coke) 1 cup tomato catsup 1/2 cup Worchestershire sauce 1/2 cup karo syrup 1/2 cup any prepared BBQ sauce (mesquite flavored is recommended) 1/8 cup yellow mustard 1 tablespoon salt 1 tablespoon black pepper 4 teaspoons sugar Chopped onion, peppers, garlic or other spices to your taste (optional) Directions: Place all ingredients in list in slow cooker and cook
for 6-8 hours, until meat is
tender. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How are phobias
named? My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. My harvest will be either flower or weeds. - Mel Weldon
Remember Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
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