~~~~~~~~~~~~Shirley ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it." ~Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The
Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they
knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to
side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.

After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling
all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things
that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way
cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying,
"Tick...Tick.. Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said,
"You thinks you iss so schmart, Yankee Boy !
But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garbage collectors were picking up our trash I had just put out as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out." she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.
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"There will be a lot of changes, I tell you, if Donald Trump  
were president. Instead of getting bad intelligence from the  
CIA, Trump would get bad intelligence from his barber."  
 --David Letterman  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken
or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God
invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like
his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a
neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and
look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his
father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know
as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend
your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually
from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also
turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to
do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you
have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue  
their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany  
warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they  
would, you know, warn them again." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I
could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...... I want to be a bear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently while going through an airport during one of
his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long hair,
wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't
you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept
staring ahead.Again the President said, "Moses!" in a
loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never
answering the president.


Soon a secret service agent came along and President
Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like
Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with
the President. "Well," said the President, "Every
time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and
refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white
robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you
Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am
Moses." The secret service agent whispered back, "Why
don't you answer the President?"


Moses replied: " The last time I talked to a bush, I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's guide to understanding men...  

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These  
men usually have jobs and bathe.  

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation-  
ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even  
retired General Schwartzkopf.  

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel  
important.  

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.  

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is  
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches  
from the door.  

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think  
about it! How many women's sports use something called an  
"instant replay?"  

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying  
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they  
grow up identifying with Barbie.  

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on  
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.  

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've  
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so  
embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another  
man wearing a black tuxedo."  

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your  
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a  
man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button  
that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a  
cellular level, I'm quite busy."  

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy  
that one, I'm always talking on mine."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in the Appalachian Mountains, a young man named Hill left
home to become a spy.  He spent years in training, learning languages
and memorizing codes.
       Finally, he was given a new identity and sent to an unnamed
foreign country.  He lived there for many years and became quite
prominent in the government.     Periodically he was called on to
provide some information, but he was always careful not to endanger his
cover. 
       At last he was called home.  He retired to the mountains and is
now publishing his memoirs, "Making a Mole out of a Mountain Hill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patricia~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Old Man, the Boy, and the Donkey

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday
but never remembers her age.