Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Once upon a time, two brothers were rummaging through a garbage heap
when they came upon an old treasure map. They dusted it off and saw
that the directions took them up to the Adirondacks in the dead of
winter. Not wishing to miss a good adventure, they packed up some
belongings, called to their shaggy dog, and were off. Well, the
treasure map was to lead them to a small cabin in the mountains. They
walked happily along... the older brother went trudge trudge, the
younger went step step step, the dog went lumber lumber lumber. At the
end of a grueling day, they found the cabin, kept by a wisent little old
man. They spent the night. Well, round about the middle of the night,
they were awakened by a huge crash! They rose with a start, but alas,
too quickly a large rock fell though the roof and landed on the eldest
brother's foot. Tied to it was another map, but the brother was lamed.
The next morning, they set out with the new map. It led down a terrible
ravine to a hut that lay at that bottom. They proceeded slowly, the
older brother going trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger brother going
step step step, and the shaggy dog going lumber lumber lumber. At
night, in howling winds, they reached the hut. It was empty, but they
were happy that no wind penetrated the walls, and they dropped on the
floor for a restful night. Round about three in the morning, there was
a horribly loud siren noise, waking them from sound slumber. Before
they could move, an enormous screaming bird tore through the window and
dropped a huge wooden beam on the younger brother's leg. Tied to it was
another map. The next day, they set out once again. The older brother
went trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger brother went step draaaag step,
the shaggy dog went lumber lumber lumber. At night they reached nothing
more than a lean-to, but this was their destination, so they had to make
do. Round about four o'clock in the morning, they were startled by a
huge roar, and a lion bounded up to them, dropping a massive bone on the
dog's foot. The dog yelped, but tied to the bone was another map. The
next day, the sorry crew set out once again. The older brother went
trudge OW! trudge OW!, the younger went step draaaaaag step, the shaggy
dog went lumbyelp! lumber lumbyelp! It wasn't until early the next
morning that they reached their destination, which was a huge mansion.
At first they were pleased, but when the went inside and saw how rickety
the structure was, they were a bit afraid. They were so tired, though,
that they went right to sleep. It was night time when they awoke.
Slowly, they became aware of a small knocking sound. "rap rap rap" "rap
rap rap". They began to search. On the first floor... nothing. They
climbed the stairs, the older brother going trudge OW! trudge OW! the
younger brother going step draaaaag step, the dog going lumbyelp! lumber
lumbyelp! The second floor, empty, but still, the sound was louder:
"rap rap rap" "rap rap rap". Well, to make a long story short, they
eventually got up to the attic, where massive wooden beams supported the
roof. "RAP RAP RAP!" they heard. "RAP RAP RAP!" Excited, they felt all
along the beams, and when the younger brother found the secret
compartment, he held his breath, closed his eyes, and tore it open. Out
fell... rapping paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the
door. In the
doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was
from the Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were
in the family.

Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother
said,
"Let's see. There's me and my husband, and my children
Tracy,
Katherine, Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--"

The census taker interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested
in the names.
The numbers will be enough."

The little girl pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We
haven't run out of
names yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a
check up.
After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side
and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is
nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has
completely gone."
"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's
been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50
years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit
offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-
raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't
talking to you. I was talking to God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The mother of a large family was explaining why she
dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike
so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine,
"I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't
belong to us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Las Vegas is where you go the first time for fun, and the second time for revenge

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Discovery may aid autoimmune treatment  

ANN ARBOR, Mich., -- University of Michigan scientists say  
a new discovery could help scientists understand what causes  
autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis. In a study  
published online in Nature, researchers from the university's  
medical school found that the protein cryopyrin responds to  
invading bacteria by triggering the activation of a powerful  
inflammatory molecule called IL-1beta, which signals the  
immune system to attack pathogens and induces fever to pro-  
tect the body against infection. Found in the fluid inside  
cells, cryopyrin is a member of the NOD-LRR family of pro-  
teins, which protect cells against microbial infection.  
Defective cryopyrin is associated with increased suscept-  
ibility to infection. Small mutations in CIAS1 --the human  
gene for cryopyrin-- are known to cause three rare auto-  
inflammatory diseases: familial cold autoinflammatory syn-  
drome, Muckle-Wells syndrome and neonatal-onset multiple-  
system inflammatory disease. The scientists found that  
activated cryopyrin triggers a enzyme called caspase-1,  
which splits the immature form of IL-1beta to produce the  
active form of the molecule. Once IL-1beta is activated,  
it can be secreted out of the cell where it binds to the  
IL-1beta receptor on other cells to trigger an immune  
response.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

Stem cells used to correct sickle cell  

SAN FRANCISCO, -- Scientists say they have found a way to  
use embryonic stem cells to correct the mutation that  
causes sickle cell disease in mice. A study published in  
Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests  
the technique could allow people born with this genetic  
defect to live with few or no complications from their  
illness, The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported. Sickle  
cell disease is an inherited blood disorder that primarily  
affects people of African, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern  
and Indian descent. A genetic mutation causes red blood  
cells that carry oxygen through the body to become hard  
and pointed, making it difficult for the blood to cir-  
culate and causing anemia, lung damage and pain in the  
arms, legs, chest and abdomen. Y.W. Kan and his colleagues  
at the University of California, San Francisco  used  
embryonic stem cells carrying the sickle cell mutation for  
the study, replacing the mutated copy of the gene with a  
healthy copy. The researchers eventually hope to be able  
to genetically alter human embryonic stem cells from a  
patient's own DNA and transplant them into the patient. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

KEEPING YOUR BREATH FRESH  

U.S. author Chris Gibson advises against masking bad breath  
with temporary measures and recommends striking at the root  
of the problem. The author of "How I Banished My Bad Breath  
And Gum Disease For Life" says halitosis can be caused by a  
wide variety of factors, including poor oral hygiene,  
bacterial growth on your tongue or between your teeth, rot-  
ting teeth or other health issues like gingivitis, bleeding  
gums or dry mouth. Halitosis can be related to diabetes,  
infections, kidney failure and cancer treatments. Even  
stress, dieting, age and hormonal changes can effect your  
breath, he says. Most halitosis causes originate in your  
mouth but in some rare cases the problem may reside in the  
stomach. If you are not sure about the cause, you should  
get help from a healthcare provider, Gibson advises.  

**** Cool Links ****
Friday the 13th
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th

**** ON THIS DAY ****
FUNNY

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!

The weather has been unseasonal and warm in Austin, so I got the bike
out to
go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with
perfect
lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry
missile
shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It
was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it

encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time
to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the

impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of
themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing
on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his
little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he

screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die
you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular
... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me
squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn
he
brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling,
hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and
jeans
this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was
doing
some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, uttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to
the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from
the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right
there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,
with
the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact; he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather
antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take
my
left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled
to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having
one
hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one
result.
Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at
it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential
street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and
the
squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the
mutant
squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into
somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out
how
to
release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did
manage
to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive
power
of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am
quite
sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the
squirrel,
however.
The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at
the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring
at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's
tail
sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got
the
upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my
helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked
... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of -- so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off
on
a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a
torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove,

moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder
roars by
and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into
your
police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big
motorcycle
under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum
braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign
of a
busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove

back).

I really would have. Really. Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about
me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the
patrol
car were flung wide open.
The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into
somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had

been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a
riot
shotgun at his own police
car. So the cops were not interested in me.

They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was
one
thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces
of
foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the

squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one
dangerous
squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it
was
all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn
off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best
to just buy myself a new pair of gloves... and some Band-Aids.


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****
1915 Singer-songwriter Jenny Lou Carson born in Decatur, Ill.  
  
1962 Trace Adkins born in Springhill, La.  
  
1951 Eddy Arnold's No. 1 single "There's Been a Change in  
Me" charted  
  
2002 Premiere of CMT Crossroads episode featuring Elvis  
Costello and Lucinda Williams  
  
1864 Songwriter Stephen Foster ("Oh Susanna," "Camptown  
Races") died at age 37  
  
1997 Brooks & Dunn's Borderline album certified double  
platinum  

1999 Alan Jackson's Who I Am album certified quadruple  
platinum  

2004 Alan Jackson's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 album certified  
double platinum  
  
1944 Ernest Tubb recorded the No. 1 single "Soldier's Last  
Letter" for Decca  

1968 Johnny Cash recorded the live album Johnny Cash at  
Folsom Prison  
  
1948 WLW's Midwestern Hayride telecast its first program  
from Cincinnati, Ohio  

2003 Tim McGraw and Elton John duet on "Tiny Dancer" to  
open the 30th annual American Music Awards   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
 Recording Academy Honors Haggard, Bradley  

Merle Haggard will be presented with the Recording Academy's  
lifetime achievement award in Los Angeles on Feb. 7 and  
acknowledged the following day during the 48th annual Grammy  
Awards ceremony. David Bowie, Cream, the Weavers, opera  
singer Jessye Norman and the late Richard Pryor and Robert  
Johnson will also be honored. Haggard has won only two  
Grammys -- one in 1984 (for "That's the Way Love Goes") and  
in 1998 (for the all-star collaboration, "Same Old Train").  
He is nominated this year for "Politically Uncorrect," his  
duet with Gretchen Wilson. ... In related news, the Record-  
ing Academy has also selected the late Owen Bradley as one  
of this year's recipients of its trustees award. A  
Nashville recording pioneer, Bradley produced classic  
recordings by Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn and many others.  
He also served for many years as head of Decca Records'  
Nashville office.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Sweet and Sour Meatballs

1 1/2 pounds ground chuck
3 to 4 tablespoons chopped water chestnuts
3/4 cup quick oatmeal
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon soy sauce
.
Sauce:
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup beef bouillon
1/2 cup vinegar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 teaspoons soy sauce
1 can (8 ounces) pineapple tidbits, drained
1/2 cup chopped green pepper

Combine meatball ingredients; shape into 1-inch balls and brown on all
sides in oil. Drain and set aside. Begin sauce: Combine sugar, beef
bouillon, vinegar, cornstarch, and 2 teaspoons soy sauce in a large deep
skillet or Dutch oven; bring to a boil.  Boil sauce mixture until
thickened; stir in pineapple, green pepper, and meatballs. Simmer for 30
minutes.
Makes about 4 dozen meatballs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Bob Evans?® recipe

Asian Pockets
1 pound Bob Evans Zesty Hot Sausage Roll
?? cup chopped green onions
2 teaspoons minced fresh ginger
?? teaspoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 large green bell pepper, sliced lengthwise
1 large red bell pepper, sliced lengthwise
6 small white pita bread pockets
12 tablespoons apple butter, divided
Combine sausage, green onions, ginger and garlic powder in medium bowl;
mix well. Shape mixture into 6 patties. Cook patties in medium skillet
over medium heat until browned and cooked through. Set aside and keep
warm. Add oil and bell peppers to same skillet; cook and stir 1 to 2
minutes over medium heat just until peppers are slightly tender. Open
each pita bread pocket; fill with sausage patty, 2 tablespoons pepper
mixture and 2 tablespoons apple butter. Serve warm. Refrigerate
leftovers.
Makes 6 servings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BLT PIZZA   

1 Italian bread shell (12 in.)  
1/3 cup Mayonnaise  
4 plum tomatoes sliced  
1/2 cup Shredded Mozzarella Cheese  
8 slices Bacon, cut into quarters, cooked  
1 cup torn romaine lettuce  

DIRECTIONS:  
Spread bread shell with mayo; layer with tomatoes, cheese  
and bacon. BAKE at 450 degrees for 5 to 7 minutes or until  
cheese melts. Top with lettuce and cut into wedges.  

Yield: 4 Servings  
Category: Appetizers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~