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January17, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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The Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers MONDAY JANUARY 16,2006
Preemie Baby Proves Good Things Come in Small
Packages Pentagon Announcement The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only
the following facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by
Friday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A private plane owner had recently acquired his solo license and persuaded his wife to fly with him. Deciding to give her a small thrill, he buzzed low over the city and added a couple of flips for good measure. Chuckling, he said, "I'll bet 50 per cent of the folks down there thought we were falling." "Uh-huh," replied the missus, "and 50 per cent up here thought the same thing.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Chicken Surprise" A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken
Surprise" The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening,
and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "wha t you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` "Hospital Chart
Bloopers"
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If I were to give
you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
********************************************************
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,staggering under the w! eight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured
no one is going to steal Henry!"
*************************************************************
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. *************************************************************
*** The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I
got the license number."
*************************************************************
NEWS FLASH! - Kentucky's worst air disaster
occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue
workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are
helping in the recovery efforts.
*************************************************************
*** An Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
*************************************************************
*** A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and wasso curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the
flowers?"
The man responded, "When you ! break down they
tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did
understand it
either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you have a neighbor who is hostile, annoying, and downright disagreeable and, if this neighbor has small children, you could always give their children sets of drums as gifts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reservists like myself always had a hard time parking on base, as most spaces were set aside for the brass. My wife never had this problem. I finally found out why after she drove me to the PX and parked in a space marked "Reserved." "See?" she said. "Just look at all the spaces they've set aside for you Reserves." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife and I always settle our arguments using standard debate protocol. She goes first, outlining in exhaustive detail why she's right and I'm wrong. She then goes to bed, and I have the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MESSAGE FROM NORM Important Announcement:
Due to the climate of political
correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and
West Virginians can no longer be referred to as
"HILLBILLIES". You must now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".
Thank
you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed
that the
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&"Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car. "Can we make a quick stop?" He asked. "Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?" "I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick?" "What do you need a longer one for?" I enquired. "Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doctors at a hospital in Houston, Texas have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!" Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE TO: RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO .... 5TH PLACE (TIED): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson' son. (I'd say this was life's payback - Harvey) 5TH PLACE (TIED): 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps. (More paybacks - Harvey) 5TH PLACE (TIED): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving the house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage had locked when he pulled it shut. (Karma? - Harvey) The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowners insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of$500,000 4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle dog. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3RD PLACE: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument 2ND PLACE: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. (She can now pay her cover charge out of the 12 Grand! - Harvey) 1ST PLACE: This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a ew Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Teacher Of The Year... Not MOBILE, Alabama - Road rage has taken a new turn recently when a driving instructor at a local high school became enraged when a student of his was cut off by a licensed driver. In Hollywood fashion, he yelled, "Follow that car" and ordered his student to run the offending driver off the road. Once accomplishing this task, the instructor ran out of the Driver's Education car and attacked the stunned motorist. At press time the instructor is still teaching driver safety after being released on bail.  Caught up in his work &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** The Candle... "Who Should Read The Bible"
The ignorant - for wisdom --- The learned - for humility The rich - for compassion ---
The poor - for comfort The dreamer - for reality ---
The practical - for counsel The weak - for strength ---
The strong - for direction The young - how to live ---
The old - how to live The haughty - for warning ---
The humble - for resolution The troubled - for peace ---
The weary - for rest The doubting - for assurance ---
The sinner - for salvation The Christian - for guidance ---
Me - to stay in tune with God ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Prints Of Elbows On My Bed"
I was but a youth and thoughtless,
As all youths are apt to be; Though I had a Christian mother Who had taught me carefully. There came a time when pleasures
Of the world came to allure, And I no more sought the guidance Of her love so good and pure. Her tender admonitions fell
But lightly on my ear, And for the gentle warnings I felt an inward sneer. But Mother would not yield her boy
To Satan's sinful sway, And though I spurned her counsel She knew a better way. She made my room an altar,
A place of secret prayer, And there she took her burden And left it in His care. And morning, noon and evening
By that humble bedside low, She sought the aid of Him who Understands a mother's woe. And I went my way unheeding,
Careless of the life I led, Until one day I noticed Prints of elbows on my bed. Then I saw that she had been there
Praying for her wayward boy, Who for love of worldly pleasures Would her peace of mind destroy. Long the conflict raged within me,
Sin against my Mother's prayers, Sin must yield - for Mother never While she daily met Him there. And her constant love and patience
Were like coals upon my head, Together with the imprints Of her elbows on my bed. And so at last the fight was won,
And I to Christ was led, And Mother's prayers were answered By her elbows on my bed. **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trisha Yearwood will re-release her
Grammy-nominated and most recent album "Jasper County" with one new track with
her new husband, Garth Brooks.
Carrie Underwood scored her first number 1
country single as "Jesus, Take the Wheel" hit the top of the Billboard country
song chart for the week ending Jan. 21.
**** Amy's Kitchen
**** Compare to other fresh fruit, raspberries are
intensely flavorful and very tart, so to make ice cream you need less fruit and
more sugar.
Toss the raspberries, 3/4 cup sugar, and the lemon juice together in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours, stirring every 30 minutes. Whisk the eggs in a mixing bowl until light and fluffy, 1-2 minutes. Whisk in the remaining 3/4 cup sugar, a little at a time, then continue whisking until completely blended, about 1 minute more. Pour in the heavy cream and milk and whisk to blend. Drain the juice from the raspberries into the cream mixture and blend. Mash the raspberries until pureed and stir them into the cream mixture. Transfer the mixture to an ice cream maker and freeze following the manufacturer's instructions. Makes 1 generous quart. NOTE: If you prefer a chunkier raspberry ice cream, return the raspberries to the refrigerator after pouring off the juice. After the ice cream stiffens, about 2 minutes before it is done, add the whole raspberries.
When spacecraft visit other planets, why
can't they take color photos? TOON TIME Beware of Dog Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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