A story concerns itself with a wholesaler in New York
who sent a letter to the postmaster of a small
mid-western town. He asked for the name of a honest
lawyer who would take a collection case against a
local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the
wholesaler's goods. He got this reply:

"Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this village and received your
letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily
would be pleased to accept a case against a local
debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the
person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your
demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the
banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and
I sent that back with a note stating that the
merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for
the time being, substituting for the pastor of our
local church, I would tell you just what I thought of
your claim."
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Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?
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A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was just checking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jerry Springer today declined nomination
as senatorial candidate for the Libertine Freedom Party.
He denied that health issues motivated his decision.
In a speech before the party caucus, Springer
said he "cannot allow myself to enter politics.
It's just too sleezy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed
and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I met while we were serving in the Peace Corps.
By the time we left the service, we were expecting our first child.
Strangely, pregnancy and childbirth are covered under "workman's comp."
Filling out the forms proved to be a challenge with questions like
"Describe in detail how and where this accident occurred," "What could have
been done to prevent this accident?" and our favorite: "What will you do in the future"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of
them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they
marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of
step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said --
they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The
recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On my first day of classes at Ballstate U. in Muncie Indiana,
I took a front row seat in my literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five
books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from
which we could choose.

The he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and
began,.......

Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook........

I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a
tap on my shoulder.

The student in back of me whispered,

"He's taking attendance"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,
"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused
a moment and looked around the room.

"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of
Eden eating strawberries."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger
noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," explained the girl, "up front there are 17 University of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.  In back,
there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.  What would you do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree.
"Oh, marvelous and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only
speak, what would you want to say to me?"

A woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would say,
"Pardon me, madam, I am an elm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks
the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a
bunch of them.  The poor elephant was choking on them and no one
could help.

Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a
whole trunkful of downy feathers.

Yep!  That's what he gets for snorting quack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human  
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with  
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned  
in dollars was given by Mark Twain.  

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to  
the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going  
to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of  
the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective con-  
tribution to twenty-five dollars... after half an hour more  
of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.  

At the end of an hour or oratory when the plate was passed,  
he stole two dollars.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



BLAME NORM