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Subject: The Daily Funnies - January21, 2006



 


THE FUNNIES
TOP TEN
SATURDAY
1/21/06

The top 10 country singles:  
  
1. Carrie Underwood -- Jesus, Take The Wheel  
2. George Strait -- She Let Herself Go  
3. Trace Adkins -- Honky Tonk Badonkadonk  
4. Billy Currington -- Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right  
5. Brad Paisley Featuring Dolly Parton -- When I Get Where  
   I'm Going  
6. Tim McGraw -- My Old Friend  
7. Garth Brooks -- Good Ride Cowboy  
8. Dierks Bentley -- Come A Little Closer  
9. Sugarland -- Just Might (Make Me Believe)  
10. Little Big Town -- Boondocks  


The top 10 country albums:  
  
1. Carrie Underwood -- Some Hearts  
2. Johnny Cash -- The Legend Of Johnny Cash  
3. Trace Adkins -- Songs About Me  
4. Kenny Chesney -- The Road And The Radio  
5. Rascal Flatts -- Feels Like Today  
6. Keith Urban -- Be Here  
7. Sugarland -- Twice The Speed Of Life  
8. Faith Hill -- Fireflies  
9. Soundtrack -- Walk The Line  
10. Reba McEntire -- Reba: #1's  


The top 10 Christian singles:  

1. Third Day -- Cry Out To Jesus  
2. Jeremy Camp -- This Man  
3. Mark Schultz -- I Am  
4. Casting Crowns -- Lifesong  
5. NewSong -- Psalm 40  
6. Carrie Underwood -- Jesus, Take The Wheel  
7. Big Daddy Weave -- Just The Way I Am  
8. Chris Tomlin -- How Great Is Our God  
9. Steven Curtis Chapman -- Remembering You  
10. Natalie Grant -- What Are You Waiting For 
 

This Week's Top 10 Video Clips from EVTV1.com  

1. Chicago Bears - Super Bowl Shuffle  
2. Flexible Girls  
3. Family Guy - Stewie vs. 50 Cent  
4. Pam Anderson's Banned Pole Dance  
5. Woman Being Tazed  
6. Attacked By A Snake  
7. Don't Tease The Fat Kid  
8. Andy Griffith Show - Meet Mr. Darling  
9. SNL - Debbie Downer  
10. SNL-Japanese Game Show Pt1  


The top 10 DVD rentals:  

1. Wedding Crashers -- New Line Home Entertainment  
2. The 40 Year-Old Virgin -- MCA Home Video, Inc.  
3. Four Brothers -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
4. The Cave -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  
5. Must Love Dogs -- Warner Home Video  
6. Mr. and Mrs. Smith -- FoxVideo  
7. The Brother's Grimm -- Miramax Home Entertainment  
8. Into The Blue -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  
9. Dark Water -- Touchstone Home Video  
10. The Island -- DreamWorks Home Entertainment  
  

Top 10 DVD sales:  
  
1. Wedding Crashers (Widescreen Un-Corked Edition) -- New  
   Line Home Entertainment  
2. Wedding Crashers (Full Screen Uncorked Edition) -- New  
   Line Home Entertainment  
3. Wedding Crashers -- New Line Home Entertainment  
4. The Gospel (Special Edition) -- Sony Pictures Home  
   Entertainment  
5. The Cave (Widescreen) -- Sony Pictures Home Entertainment  
6. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (Widescreen Unrated Version) --  
   MCA Home Video, Inc.  
7. Toy Story 2: 2 Disc Special Edition -- Walt Disney Home  
   Entertainment  
8. American Pie Presents: Band Camp (Widescreen Unrated Edition)  
   -- MCA Home Video, Inc  
9. Four Brothers (Widescreen) -- Paramount Home Entertainment  
10. Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (Unrated Extended  
    Edition) -- New Line Home Entertainment
  

The top 10 singles:  

1. Nelly Featuring Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp -- Grillz  
2. Beyonce Featuring Slim Thug -- Check On It  
3. Chris Brown -- Run It!  
4. Mariah Carey -- Don't Forget About Us  
5. The Pussycat Dolls -- Stickwitu  
6. Juelz Santana -- There It Go! (The Whistle Song)  
7. D4L -- Laffy Taffy  
8. Nickelback -- Photograph  
9. The All-American Rejects -- Dirty Little Secret  
10. Mary J. Blige -- Be Without You  


The top 10 albums:  
  
1. Mary J. Blige -- Be Without You  
2. Jamie Foxx -- Unpredictable  
3. Carrie Underwood -- Some Hearts  
4. Eminem -- Curtain Call: The Hits  
5. The Notorious B.I.G. -- Duets: The Final Chapter  
6. Mariah Carey -- The Emancipation Of Mimi  
7. Nickelback -- All The Right Reasons  
8. Chris Brown -- Chris Brown  
9. The Black Eyed Peas -- Monkey Business  
10. Johnny Cash -- The Legend Of Johnny Cash 
 


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he
put it in is front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to take to any good
home, You want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign
to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
-
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the
sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has
you so excited?"
-
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just coming down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
-
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it
was WHAT they were wagering ON!
-
"I could not believe it Father, They had wagered on a contest to see who
could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
-
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
-
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
-
"How much did you win, Sister?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin, a recent widower, who lives up in the Tampa area thought it
might be a good idea to get himself a dog for a bit of companionship.
-
Checking out the pet ads in the local newspaper he came across one that
read: "Purebred Police Dog $25".
-
Thinking that sounded like a pretty fair bargain, he called and ordered
the dog to be delivered and paid up-front by credit card.
-
The very next day a van pulled up and left on his doorstep, in a
cardboard kennel, the him mangiest looking mongrel he had ever seen.
-
In a bit of a rage, he telephoned the man who had placed the ad and
shouted over the phone. "What the hell do you mean by calling that mangy
mutt a purebred police dog?"
-
" Hey calm down," the man responded, "Don't be deceived by his looks,
mister," "That dog's under cover and in the Secret Service."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Touch of Humor from Jackbaby

Who was Jesus?
Opinions vary ...Who was Jesus? (Here are all kinds of options}

My friend from Baton Rouge, LA says that Jesus was a Cajun:

1.  He liked to serve fish to his friends
2.  He could make his own wine
3.  And he wasn't afraid of water.

My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:

1.  He called everyone "brother"
2.  He liked Gospel
3.  He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1.  He went into His Father's business.
2.  He lived at home until he was 33.
3.  He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1.  He talked with his hands.
2.  He had wine with every meal.
3.  He used olive oil.

My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1.  He never cut his hair.
2.  He walked around barefoot all the time.
3.  He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1.  He never got married.
2.  He was always telling stories.
3.  He loved green pastures.

BUT my LADY friend had most compelling evidence  that Jesus was a
WOMAN:

1.  He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2.  He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it.
3.  And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was
more work to do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nice thing about being senile is you ca n hide your own Easter eggs
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?



**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

Flaming Pop-Tarts Hot Topic in New Jersey
 

PHILADELPHIA - It seems that a burning legal issue has popped  
up for the Kellogg Co. Brenda Hurff of Washington Township,  
New Jersey reportedly put a cherry Pop-Tart in the toaster  
and left the house to drive her children to preschool. When  
she returned 10 to 20 minutes later, smoke was pouring from  
the home and firefighters were already on the scene. Hurff  
and her husband are now suing the popular cereal company for  
$100,000 in damages. A Kellogg spokesman declined to comment  
on the lawsuit but told reporters that the products were  
safe and each box clearly states that consumers should not  
leave the toaster unattended due to a possible risk of fire.  



**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Have a Cell Phone? Church Can Come to You!
 
  
Salvation now makes house calls! Those too busy to attend  
church and have a cell phone: don't fret. With the help of a  
cell phone Short Message Service, a religious group has trans-  
lated the Lord's Prayer into shorthand so you can read it  
on your phone. The opening, "Our Father, who art in heaven,"  
has now been shortened to "
dad@hvn" and "hallowed be thy name"  
is now "urspshl." The entire prayer has been shortened enough  
to fit into SMS's limit of 160 characters. A spokesperson  
called the SMS prayer "an experimental form of virtual worship." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gag Gift No Hoot for Hooters Waitress 

PANAMA CITY, Fla. - I would not have believed this story if  
I had not seen it on at least two separate news pages. A  
waitress is suing Hooters restaurant because they gave her  
a toy Yoda doll as a contest prize instead of the Toyota car  
she was expecting. Jodee Berry, 26, won a contest to see who  
could sell the most beer in April at the Hooters in Panama  
City Beach. She said the top-selling waitresses from each  
Hooters restaurant in the area were entered into a drawing  
to win a Toyota. She believed she'd won a new car. She was  
blindfolded and led to the parking lot, but when her blind-  
fold was removed she found she was not the winner of a  
Toyota, but a toy Yoda doll from the "Star Wars" movies. As  
compensation she's asking the cost of a new Toyota.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


Crook Needs Better Getaway Plan


MANCHESTER, England - Tellers at the Royal Bank of Scotland  
noticed one conspicuous customer wearing a fur hat and heavy  
coat on one of the hottest days of the year. His odd attire  
was explained when he robbed one of the tellers getting away  
with $8,500. He had just made it outside to his getaway  
vehicle, a bicycle, when a die pack hidden among the cash  
exploded, knocking him off the bike. As he scooped up the  
money, his face became visible to the bank's security camera.  
He persisted, though, and started off on the bike again, only  
to hit a curb, fall and drop more of the money. He ended up  
dropping two-thirds of the money behind trying to make the  
getaway. One officer said, "His actions once he left the bank  
were bordering on the comical." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Asian Museum Pays Homage to the Porcelain God


SOUTH KOREA - The people of South Korea are lining up for the  
lavatory, but not for the usual relief. The Toilet Exhibition  
Hall in Ilsan compares the important differences in Eastern  
and Western toilet culture and even has videos featuring  
toilets of the future. A spokesman for the Government-run  
museum says it's part of a campaign to improve public toilets  
in the country. Among the exhibits are photographs of 10,000  
year old toilet pipes found in the Orkney Islands and a replica  
of the toilet used by King Louis XIII of France.  
[Kind of makes me wonder what the condition of the restrooms  
in the museum are like.]  


 **** HEALTH NEWS ****

  QUIETING RESTLESS LEGS
  

A U.S. hospital, the Mayo Clinic, recommends ways to help  
quiet restless legs, including taking non-prescription  
painkillers and soaking in a warm bath. The Mayo Health  
Letter also advises sufferers to:  

--massage the legs;  

--learn to relax, especially before bed because stress  
can aggravate the symptoms;  

--stretch your legs at the beginning and end of the day;  

--try heat or cold packs or alternate between the two;  

--get regular exercise but avoid overdoing it or working  
out late in the day;  

--cut back on caffeine, alcohol and tobacco, all of which  
may aggravate or trigger symptoms;  

--go to bed later because adjusting to a later bedtime  
can help relieve symptoms; and,  

--stay busy until bedtime because boredom or drowsiness  
before bed may worsen symptoms.  

Restless legs syndrome, a sleep disorder, brings on feel-  
ings of a creeping, crawling, jittery, tingling, burning  
or aching feeling in the calves, thighs, feet or, less  
frequently, arms. If nothing seems to work, see your  
doctor, who can prescribe medication for managing the  
symptoms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

Children's flu study begins in St. Louis  

ST. LOUIS, -- A National Institutes of Health study to  
test an avian flu vaccine in children started Tuesday at  
Saint Louis University School of Medicine. "Recently,  
some strains of bird flu viruses have infected people in  
Asia," said Dr. Robert Belshe, director of the Center for  
Vaccine Development at the university. "There is concern  
these new strains could cause a pandemic, but they are  
not infecting people in the United States at this time.  
Rather than wait for that possibility to occur the (NIH)  
is testing avian influenza vaccines." The National  
Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, part of the  
NIH, has tested a new H5N1 avian influenza vaccine in  
healthy adults at clinical sites across the nation. Now  
that safety data are available from that adult study,  
Saint Louis University will test an investigational  
vaccine in children ages 2 to 9 -- a population that is  
especially vulnerable to acquiring influenza. The study  
will involved a killed bird flu virus vaccine known as  
A/H5N1. Researchers will evaluate the vaccine's safety  
and ability to stimulate antibodies in children.  
Officials said 120 children across the nation will par-  
ticipate in the study.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREEN VEGGIES MAY KEEP CATARACTS AWAY  

An Ohio State University study shows antioxidants found in  
dark leafy green vegetables can help prevent cataracts.  
Vitamin manufacturers often add the antioxidants lutein  
and zeaxanthin, but until now there has been no biochemical  
evidence the substances help protect the eyes, says Joshua  
Bomser, study co-author and assistant professor of  
nutrition. Laboratory experiments on human lens cells show  
lutein and zeaxanthin, antioxidants found in plants such  
as kale, spinach and collard greens, may help protect the  
cells from exposure to ultraviolet light -- a leading cause  
of cataract formation. Lutein and zeaxanthin were nearly  
10 times more powerful than vitamin E in protecting the  
cells from UV-induced damage, the authors say. Nearly 20  
million Americans have cataracts, a clouding of the eye's  
lens.   
  


TOONS
Sale
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Embarassing
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31380.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31380.htm ">  Here!</a>

A Little Unsafe
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<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/31381.htm ">  Here!</a>


Example AOL Email Addresses
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<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/009.htm"> Here </a>

AOL Crash
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/010.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/010.htm"> Here </a>

Market Prices?
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<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1316.html">Here!</a>


Y'All have a good'en, See ya Monday-Jb


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