A young woman brings home her fianc?© to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites
the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks
the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmm."
the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for
my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young
man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a
beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will
provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds
like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists
that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is,
he thinks I'm God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down
at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair
of broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife
thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jenny!" screamed her mother, "why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"
"I have to," replied little blonde Jenny.
"Whatever for?" asked the mother.
"That??™s where my canary is!" shouted little Jenny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line when
her gossipy neighbour poked her head over the fence." "I hate to tell
you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a rumour that your
husband, Abe, is chasing girls. And at his age too!"

"He's seventy-five," replied Mrs Jones. "So let him chase girls. Dogs
chase cars - but when they catch one, can they drive it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the
pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad
regulars.

I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.  However,
as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people
turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my
imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.

Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around,
I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just
inches above my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then
I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the
phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face
brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the
good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a
time like this?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was in New York He was patiently wait ing, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow
of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in
this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do
the defendin'.  I'm the guy who done it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday head to the hills to
do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the
trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the
mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a
rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at
him, and he couldn't move.
 
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today
to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish:
Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

 
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its
paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:
 
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. 
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Wanna hear a  Polish joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell  that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I
am  Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs
225, and he's Polish.  The fella next to him is 6'5" tall,
weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you  still wanna tell that
joke? " The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm  gonna have to explain
it three times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally
decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and
move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor,
who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the
virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment
of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even
buy green bananas!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both
are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a $5 a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of
the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while
counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring
course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says,
"No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says,
"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if
you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large
tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch
and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched
himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves,
he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of
the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high
branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and
flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off,
went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the
branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said,
"Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little old nun was going 35 miles an hour down the
highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and
asked her why she didn't go any faster.

She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said
that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her
that it was highway
35.

The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked
them what was wrong and they said, "We just got off highway
130!"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Be A Redneck... ...If your dad walks u to school
'cause you're in the same grade! ...If u mow the grass and find
the car! ...If someone comes to your house everyday thinking
you're having a garage sale! ...If u sell the car 4 gas money!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One
evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push".

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive".

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be".

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte" .

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

General Conference: Welcome! We're generally in conference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GOOFPROOF~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.

The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.

"Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for: ( please initial all that apply )

_________ a pizza

_________ a beer

_________ a steak

_________ a kiss

_________ coffee or a latte

_________ the remote control

_________ a bowl of ice cream

_________ chocolate

_________ cookies

_________ sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes,and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own sweet business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Signature:___________________ Date: ________________________

Witness:_____________________ Witness:_______________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 At the DMV

It recently occurred to me that my driver's license was about to expire. By "recently," I mean "seven months and three days after it expired." Not wanting to risk getting a ticket, I went immediately to the "DMV," which stands for "Devils, Maniacs, and Villains."

I have found that at the DMV there are folks who are very cheerful and friendly. These are the people who have just arrived at the place. Two hours into the line, everyone is a fascist, full of righteous anger at everybody else just for existing.

The first step for me is to get into a line designed for people who need to be told they are in the wrong line. I'm advised that the woman behind the counter is there only for individuals wishing to obtain a license to drive a vehicle shaped like a giant hotdog in a bun.

"Does that even ever happen?" I demand of her. She shrugs. "Once." "Wouldn't it make sense for you to handle other types of driver's license?" I press. She nods. "I also do cars shaped like sausages."

I decide to wait in the queue for the man at the Information kiosk. He's the sort of person who is always holding his head, as if containing an impending explosion. I approach cautiously. "Can you tell me which line is for obtaining a new driver's license?" I ask him.

He squeezes his head, turning his eyes into slits. "What kind of driver's license? For a truck? Wingless airplane? Wienermobile?" "Just for a car," I assure him.

"What kind of car?" he counters.

"What? Oh, a Ford."

"What color."

"What color? White, it's white." He runs his hands up the sides of his head so that his hair sticks out between his fingers in mad-looking squirts. "Two door or four door?"

"Two door. Look..."

"Convertible?"

"Huh? No, it's a hardtop."

"A two door white Ford hardtop," he reiterates.

"Exactly." He shakes his head by moving his hands back and forth. "We don't have a special line for something like that."

"What do you mean? Lots of people drive cars like that!" I demand agitatedly.

"We don't break it out by car type. If you want a driver's license, it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive. Unless obviously it is shaped like a hotdog or something," he explains patiently.

The next person I talk to is much more helpful. "First we need to do an eye test. Can you see the eye chart behind me?"

I spot a completely blank sheet of paper suspended over her head. "Yes, but I can't actually see anything on it," I tell her.

"Oh, that's okay. It used to have little symbols, but those were offensive to people who thought some of the symbols might be interpreted as religious. Then we had letters, but that was offensive to people who couldn't read. Then we just had different sized dots, but that was offensive to people who are offended by different sized dots. So we decided to go with a blank sheet of paper." She peers at me. "You're not offended, are you?"

"Heavens, no."

"Good. Come back when you've finished your written test."

"There's a test? I didn't know there would be a test." She shrugs. "Look, I'm...I'm very offended by the idea there's a test."

She snaps her gum. "Nice try."

I am handed a sheet of paper and a test booklet, and I slink off to a small room divided into cubbyholes. Well, even without studying, I figure I've been driving for years, and probably can intuit my way through the exam.

Question one: When driving a six-axle live animal transport with Gross Vehicle Weight greater than 8,000 lbs. down a 6%-grade multi-lane highway, you are required to maintain a brake line hydraulic pressure of (blank) PSI.

"Psst," the guy in the cubbyhole next to me hisses. "What's the Gross Vehicle Weight for a car shaped like a hot dog?"

"With or without the bun?" I shoot back. He gives me a panicked expression.

After failing the test, I wind up in another line. Waiting for the pay phone...To call for a ride home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~