Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

During an open-mike comedy show featuring stand-up kid comedians, ten-year-old Sam said, "I asked my dad if he thought electing a woman president of the United States would be a good idea because it might make men more submissive to women. He answered, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask your mother.'"
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As a single parent, I know that my ten-year-old daughter has learned to do without many extras. Some time ago, to make things up to her, I promised to buy her toys as soon as I got a raise. A while later, my boss went on vacation and arranged for me to watch his dog, cats and parrot.

The night before he was due back, we went to feed the animals for the last time. As my daughter busied herself with the parrot, I couldn't believe my ears. She was bombarding the hapless bird with: "Mommy needs a raise! Mommy needs a raise!"

I got the raise: she got the toys.
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Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about thirty minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
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A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister
from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new
children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
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A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye,
and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.
While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!" 
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 Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."
Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just
give me the good news."
Wife: "Well, the air bag works."
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My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the
phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line.
Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came
charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat,
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in 'park'?"
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Redneck Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Redneck Personal Hygiene

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
this method.
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Redneck Dining Out

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
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Redneck Entertaining in Your Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
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Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end
in frustration.
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Redneck Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
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Redneck Wedding Etiquette

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective
but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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**** Quickies ****

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Seeing doesn't happen in the eye  

BALTIMORE, -- Johns Hopkins University scientists are study-  
ing how we "see" objects in hopes of eventually developing  
neural prostheses. The question of how the brain sees,  
recognizes and understands objects is one of the most  
intriguing in neuroscience, associate professor and paper  
co-author Charles Connor said. "Vision doesn't happen in  
the eye," said Connor, "It happens at multiple processing  
stages in the brain." Connor said the ability to see is one  
of the great evolutionary accomplishments of the human  
brain and understanding the process may lead to the develop-  
ment of neural prostheses -- artificial replacements for  
lost sensory, motor and perhaps even memory and cognitive  
functions. A team from the university's Zanvyl Krieger  
Mind/Brain Institute described their research in detail in  
a recent issue of the journal Neuron.
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Scientist offers home depression treatment  

BRISBANE, Australia, -- A University of Queensland research-  
er is offering depression sufferers across Australia a free,  
at-home confidential treatment program. "The yearlong pro-  
gram is for adults who are not depressed at the moment, but  
who have had repeated bouts of depression," said UQ psychol-  
ogy Professor David Kavanagh, who is working with researchers  
from the Universities of Wollongong and Canberra. "People  
who volunteer for the program, called 'On Track', receive a  
series of letters or emails with advice on how to stay well.  
The letters help them stay in control by creating individual-  
ized plans. They send back information on what they have  
tried, and how they are feeling," explained Kavanagh. "We will  
give them feedback on their progress, and access to a toll-  
free telephone line for additional assistance," he said. "We  
also keep their doctors informed." The program avoids the  
need for face-to-face appointments that can be expensive and  
time-consuming -- especially for people living in rural areas.  
"The program is based on a model that we have shown is  
successful in helping people take control of alcohol problems,"  
Kavanagh said, noting depression affects more than one in six  
Australians at least once during their lifetime.
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Fat overload kills mammalian cells  

ST. LOUIS, -- Washington School of Medicine scientists say  
they've identified a protein that triggers death in mam-  
malian cells that are overloaded with saturated fat. "When  
lipids (fats) accumulate in tissues other than adipose  
tissue, cellular dysfunction or cell death results," says  
senior author Dr. Jean Schaffer, associate professor of  
medicine, molecular biology and pharmacology at the St.  
Louis school. "For example, preliminary studies on animals  
suggest that the accumulation of fat in the pancreas con-  
tributes to the development of diabetes, while accumula-  
tion of lipids in skeletal muscle of leads to insulin  
resistance." Other studies have linked the genesis of heart  
failure to fat-induced cell dysfunction and cell death in  
the heart. "As physicians our primary focus in diabetic  
patients is on glucose control," said Schaffer, a cardiol-  
ogist at Barnes-Jewish Hospital. "But it appears we should  
also be more aggressive with respect to lowering lipids,  
such as triglycerides and fatty acids." The study is said  
to be the first to identify a critical step in the pathway  
that leads from high cellular fat to cell death, according  
to Schaffer. The research is detailed in the February  
issue of the journal Molecular Biology of the Cell.  

**** Cool Links ****
Mike's Oldies Home
http://www.mikesoldies.com/


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
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Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

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This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Afraid of commitment???

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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
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**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

HOMEMADE HOT COCOA   

1 quart milk  
1/3 cup sugar  
1/4 cup cocoa  
1/4 teaspoon vanilla, or 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon  
whipped cream for topping  

In saucepan, combine sugar and cocoa. Add a few  
tablespoons of milk and heat over medium high heat,  
stirring constantly. The heat will make it easier to  
dissolve the cocoa. When the sugar, cocoa and milk  
have formed a paste, add the remainder of the milk  
and heat until steaming. Pour into mugs, top with  
a bit of whipped cream and serve immediately.
Yield: 4 servings
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Carribbean Pork Tenderloins  

2 lean pork tenderloins, about 1/2 pound each
  1 teaspoon grated orange peel
    1/2 cup orange juice
  2 tablespoons fresh cilantro, chopped
   2 tablespoons lime juice
1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper
2 cloves of garlic cut in half
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
1 large ripe plantain, cut into 1/4 inch slices
 
Trim fat from pork. Cut pork across grain into 1/8 inch slices. Mix
orange peel and juice, cilantro, lime juice, pepper, and garlic in glass
or plastic bowl. Stir in pork. Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes. Remove
pork from marinade, drain, reserve marinade. Stir in cornstarch and salt
into marinade, set aside. Heat oil in 10 inch nonstick skillet over
medium high heat. Cook pork in oil about 4 minutes, stirring frequently,
until no longer pink. Stir in plantain. Cook 2 to 3 minutes, stirring
frequently, until plantain is brown and slightly soft. Stir in marinade.
Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute.

per 1 cup serving: 255 Calories 5g Fat 65mg Cholesterol 190 mg Sodium
29g Carbohydrate 25g Protein Exchanges: 1 Starch 2 Lean meat 1 Fruit