Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 THURSDAY JANUARY ,2006

SMILE: IT'S FRIDAY EVE
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Have you ever noticed when shopping in a department store we think only once when buying on credit and twice when paying cash?

A fight broke out between a couple red neck locals and a lone
biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily
laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard someone behind
him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the groin,
realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty
glasses. When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you
the woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?" To which
she answered, "I ain't never had no alteration! These is all my
'riginal parts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some residents in the small mountain town of Trysil, near Oslo,
Norway are elated over the newest local attraction: The village
now has it's first escalator.  "I realize this is not a big thing
to a lot of the world," stated Sven Pettersen of the local history
club.  "But for residents of Trysil, it is definitely a step up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

"Suspicion of anything foreign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waiting in the car at a traffic light with a woman and her husband
and three rambunctious boys, she glanced over at the car next to
them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from
the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husbnad reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks,
and said, "Here, have another cookie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club,
broke it but didn't say a word.

Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't
say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods
but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."

"Golf?" asked the caddie.

"No" he replied. "The Ministry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils to name things they were thankful for. One bespectacled boy said he was thankful for his glasses.

"Any special reason?" the teacher asked.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied, "they keep the boys from hitting me and the girls from kissing me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male  
habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I  
emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I  
bumped into my husband.  

"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet  
paper?!" I raged.  

"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that  
when I was in there earlier." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong  
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of  
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.  

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a  
wife and eleven children."  

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.  

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as  
I want to get." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard  
over the radio at an airport control tower:  

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."  

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding  
at 3000 over that pad!"  

There was a brief moment of silence.  

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.  
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable  
to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small  
test.  

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,  
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping  
he would think they weren't at home.  

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be  
a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but  
if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be  
a drunkard."  

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited  
nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son  
arrive home.  

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.  
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the  
light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the  
Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he  
grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff  
to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room  
carrying all the three items.  

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even  
worse than I ever imagined..."  

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.  

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Riders"
 
After a round of golf, 4 elderly ladies sat around the clubhouse
chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How
did your game go?"

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21. The voice says, "Oops!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I'm not making
this up: this week is "national no name calling week". They don't
want any name calling in public schools.  What stupid dork came
up with this idea?" --Jay Leno

**** Quickies ****

"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
~~~~~~~~~PEACH~~~~~~~~~~
At boy scout camp, the counselor noticed an umbrella neatly packed inside the bedroll of a young scout. Since an umbrella was not considered a required item, the counselor mentioned that it wasn't necessary. "Sir," sighed the young scout, "did you ever have a mother?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In L.A. we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there's food.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old age is when your eyes start to go, but it doesn't really matter because whatever you read today you're going to forget tomorrow anyway.

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

'Statins' improve prostate cancer outcome  
  
NEW YORK - Men who've been treated for prostate cancer and  
are taking one of the popular cholesterol-lowering 'statin'  
drugs (Lipitor and Zocor are examples) may be on to a good  
thing.  

Statins appear to improve the outcome of prostate cancer  
treatment with radioactive seed implants -- so-called  
brachytherapy -- according to a new report.  

Dr. Gregory S. Merrick from Wheeling Hospital in West  
Virginia and colleagues evaluated the impact of statin  
therapy on disease progression and long-term survival  
after in 512 men who had undergone brachytherapy for  
localized prostate cancer.  

At follow-up, prostate-specific antigen (PSA) levels,  
percentage of positive biopsies, and tumor stage "were  
significantly lower in the statin than in the nonstatin  
users," the investigators report in the medical journal  
Urology.  

Survival without recurrence of the disease at 8 years was  
97 percent for patients taking statins and 94percent for  
patients not taking statins, the results indicate.  

Higher PSA levels before treatment and being overweight  
were associated with lower survival rates, the researchers  
note.  

"Since cardiovascular disease is a primary cause of death  
in men treated for clinically localized prostate cancer,  
an agent that could potentially benefit both prostate  
cancer and cardiovascular disease would be of great  
utility," Merrick commented to Reuters Health
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       Blood pressure boons  

Fiber: To lower blood pressure, eat more fiber-rich fruits  
and vegetables, says a new Tulane University analysis.  
Eating 7 to 19 grams of fiber a day, particularly soluble  
fiber in fruits and vegetables, lowered high and normal  
blood pressure. Folic acid: Take folic acid supplements to suppress blood  
pressure, suggests new Harvard research. Women ages 27 to  
44 who got at least 1,000 micrograms daily of folic acid  
in pills and folate in food had a 46% lower risk of  
developing high blood pressure, compared with women get-  
ting 200mcg a day. The comparable impact on older women  
was an 18% lower risk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Cool Links ****
Tailgating Recipes
http://www.johnnyroadtrip.com/tailgating/recipes/

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Back in the 50's there was a well known radio
host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named
Stuart Hamblin who was noted for his drinking,
womanizing, partying, etc.

One of his bigger hits at the time was
"I won't go hunting with you Jake,
but I'll go chasing women."

One day, along came a young preacher holding
a tent revival. Hamblin had him on his radio show
presumably to poke fun at him.

In order to gather more material for his show,
Hamblin showed up at one of the revival meetings.

Early in the service the preacher announced,
"There is one man in this audience who is a big fake."
There were probably others who thought the same thing,
but Hamblin was convinced that he was the one the preacher
was talking about (some would call that conviction)
but he was having none of that.

Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple
of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher's
hotel door around 2AM demanding that the preacher
pray for him!

But the preacher refused, saying, "This is between you and God
and I'm not going to get in the middle of it."

But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until
about 5 AM at which point Stuart dropped to his
knees and with tears, cried out to God.

But that is not the end of the story.
Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women,
quit everything that was 'fun.' Soon he began
to lose favor with the Hollywood crowd.

He was ultimately fired by the radio station when
he refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor.

Hard times were upon him. He tried writing a couple
of "Christian" songs but the only one that had
much success was "This Old House",
written for his friend Rosemary Clooney.

As he continued to struggle, a long time friend
named John took him aside and told him,
"All your troubles started when you 'got religion,'
Was it worth it all?"
Stuart answered simply, "Yes."

Then his friend asked, "You liked your booze so much,
don't you ever miss it?" And his answer was,
"No." John then said, "I don't understand how
you could give it up so easily."

And Stuart's response was, "It's no big secret.
All things are possible with God."
To this John said, "That's a catchy phrase.
You should write a song about it."

And as they say, "The rest is history."

The song Stuart wrote was "It Is No Secret."

"It is no secret what God can do.
What He's done for others, He'll do for you.

With arms wide open, He'll welcome you.
It is no secret, what God can do...."




By the way... the friend was John Wayne.
And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen?
...That was Billy Graham.

Worth repeating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BLONDIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hugs From Heaven

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart
If you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend.

Charlotte Anselmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Trucker"
 
He called his dispatcher to get his next load,
He was tired and hungry, still out on the road.
His sweetheart was lonely and feeling sad,
This was the only life they had.
 
Carrying freight to the next destination,
Keepin' things moving in this great nation.
He had diesel running in his veins,
She loved him and she never complained.
 
Five minutes, five hours or maybe five days,
He'd always make it back home some way.
He'd hold her tight and then kiss her good-bye,
He loved the road and she understood why.
 
Mountains and lakes to see along the way,
No boss man yelling at him all day.
Helping people to get the things they need,
He was proud and he had his own mouths to feed.
 
The life of a trucker is hard to understand,
They don't find much praise in this great land.
It's a job that not just anyone could do,
So don't get upset when they're in front of you.
 
They might be tired or missing family at home,
They've been in that truck for days all alone.
Flash them a smile, they're just like you,
Trucking down the highway is the job they do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****