Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

The French are most likely to give their keyboards to
the Germans without a struggle.
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Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-
law out of your fourth-story window.

Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.

Judge:     That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous
           it might have been for anyone passing at the time?
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Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter
hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers,"
Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual.
"Here it is...rear defrosters."
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area
51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run
out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background
check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his air-
plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on
his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force,
the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's
surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people
in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want
to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell
her where I was last night."
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My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "Come and
bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man
is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview
when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the
door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man
disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after
him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're
trying to resuscitate me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out
of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any
brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man
started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot,
fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes
and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been
lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you
go home and take a long hot bath?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest
equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new
ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.
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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

He's Got Legs...And He Knows How To Use Them

CHEMULT, Ore. - A man was left with no legs to stand on after he
threw his pair of prosthetic legs at a state troop- er. Trooper
Don Newcomb had pulled over an SUV that was driving on the wrong
side of the road, and asked the driver to leave the vehicle after
smelling alcohol on his breath. At first the driver wouldn't
get out and a passenger, Joel Kackstetter, told Newcomb he would
rip his head off, said police. Once Newcomb got the driver to the
patrol car, he chased Kackstetter, who threw both of his legs at
him. One missed him but the other hit Newcomb square in the chest.
Kackstetter was booked Saturday on suspicion of menacing, assaulting
an officer, interference with an officer, criminal conspiracy and
resisting arrest.
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Biting-Mad Florida Passenger Charged

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A man who fought flight attendants and bit a
passenger in order to get off a taxiing plane in Fort Lauderdale,
Fla., faced six criminal charges Tuesday. Troy Rigby, 28, of
Pompano Beach, Fla., was aboard a New Jersey-bound Continental
Airlines at the Fort Lauderdale- Hollywood International Airport
Monday afternoon, when he suddenly snapped, the Miami Herald
reported. Broward Sheriff Ken Jenne said it was unclear if Rigby
suffered an anxiety attack, but said he ran toward the front of
the plane, banging and kicking on the cockpit door, demanding
to get off the plane. Crew and passengers tried to restrain him,
and that's when passenger Paul Sigler was bitten on the hand. The
pilot stopped the plane, and Rigby reportedly opened a door and
jumped 10 feet to the tarmac. Deputies had to use a stun gun on
him twice to stop him.
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**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Dead Man Riding

NEW YORK - It took more than six hours for anyone to realize that
a 64-year-old Brooklyn man had died on a New York City subway
train. Eugene Reilly, who died of a heart attack, likely got onto
a Brooklyn-bound Q train just before 1 a.m. Thursday. He wasn't
found until 7:15 a.m. when a curious commuter touched his shoulder,
trying to wake him, the New York Daily News reported. Reilly,
a mail handler, worked the 4 p.m.-to-12:30 a.m. shift and was
headed home, his wife said. He was sitting up in his seat, which
transit officials said was likely the reason their workers left
him alone for so long, the newspaper said.
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How To Give A Guy A Heart Attack

ANESVILLE, Ohio - Apartment tenant Lewis Miller thought he was
just going to "lay down and die" after receiving a natural gas bill
for almost $8,100. This bill for heating his Zanesville apartment
covered just nine days. Miller had a very anxious weekend when he
got the bill on Friday and couldn't get a hold of his gas company
until Monday. Once he reached the Energy Cooperative of Newark,
they adjusted the bill. A utility spokesman said that these
cases are rare, but can happen. It's suspected that a contractor
either misread or transposed the numbers when taking a reading of
Miller's meter.
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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

GREEN TEA MAY SUPPRESS APPETITE

A Neptune, N.J., supplement company says green tea extract
may help suppress appetite. DynaPure Nutrition says its
green tea product, WARP 9, may help reduce hunger pangs by
decreasing a hormone called leptin and increasing a
chemical neurotransmitter called noradrenaline. Leptin is
a fat-produced protein that appears to play a key role in
how the body manages fat storage through brain signals.
WARP 9 formulator Pete Maletto says, "There is clear
evidence that green tea's polyphenols are a factor in
depressing leptin as well as affecting other hormone levels
important in regulating appetite." Green tea also may
increase levels of noradrenaline, a chemical neurotransmit-
ter in the nervous system that plays a major role in the
activation of brown fat tissue, a metabolically active fat,
he says. Activation of brown fat burns calories from the
white fat located around our waistline, hips and thighs,
Maletto says.
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MEDICINE FOR CANKER SORES

Orahealth USA Inc. of Bellevue, Wash., says its Cankermelts-
GX can heal canker sores in one to four days. The company
says the product is available in stores as well as online,
at drugstore.com. Canker sores affect 50 million Americans,
says Mary Madigan, director of merchandising for
drugstore.com. "The advanced technology used in Cankermelts
to deliver medication directly to the affected area makes
them easy to use, and we're pleased to provide this product
to customers who have previously had to endure painful canker
sores," she says.
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HELPING CHILDREN SHED POUNDS

Alabama pediatricians say families can work together to help
overweight children shed unhealthy pounds. "Childhood obesity
has increased dramatically in this country during the last
two decades," says Dr. Frank Franklin of the University of
Alabama, Birmingham. "It's a real issue and a real challenge
for parents to help themselves and their children lose weight
and keep it off." He advises parents to: eat the way you want
your children to eat (the mirror rule); be consistent and
persistent in following the prescribed diet; encourage and
help healthy eating; don't inflict blame, shame or guilt;
enjoy family and food; and, eat socially and slowly.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

If you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent
treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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