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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 TUESDAY JANUARY 31,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Goofproof~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he  
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?"  
he asked the salesperson.  

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.  

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just  
stick this button in your ear and run this little string down  
to your pocket," he instructed.  

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.  

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But  
when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Order in class!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Goofproof~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after surgery my mom was transferred to a nursing home for
therapy. Since she was on a lot of pain medication I went along to
answer any questions that might be difficult for her to answer in her
drug induced state. To my amazement she was answering all the questions
the home's doctor's asked clear and concisely. Then he asked if she
still had any teeth. She replied every one of them. Before I could say
anything the doctor (obviously impressed) asked if he could see them.
Grinning a big toothless grin she said; "They're at home in their case
on top of the toilet tank". We all liked to died laughing. Mom had this
puzzled look when we started laughing which just made it that much
funnier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her  
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;  
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.  

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of  
laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly.  

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him  
back a credit card. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After watching Gary Grant on a television broadcast, his mother, then in her nineties, reprimanded him for letting his hair get so gray. "It doesn't bother me," he replied. "Maybe not," Mom said, " but it bothers me. It makes me seem so old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife were arguing about an investment
the husband wanted to make.
In the midst of the argument, he pointed out that men
had better judgment than women.
"Well, I guess you're right about that," replied the
wife. "You asked me to marry you....and then I said yes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection Committee
finally recommended a young man just out of the Seminary. Many
older church members protested that a more Experienced man would
have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger
Minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the
end Of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked
the Beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping  
would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.  

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice  
while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see  
how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted  
it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards,  
scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had  
a bath."  

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager  
than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making  
the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer  
before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do  
all the rest." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were  
pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the  
used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early,  
shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river,  
and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling  
with cranky crocs.  

As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and  
demanded, "Quick, Jane, a martini!" Tossing it back he  
barked, "Another, Jane, on the double!" Gulping it down, he  
held out his glass again. "One more, Jane."  

"Aw, honey, don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" she  
chided gently.  

"You don't understand, Jane... it's a jungle out there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife
had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much
she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer
with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me
if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry
me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watching news shows on TV, we find that our highways are not safe,
our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe, our bridges are
not safe, our borders are open to the good, the bad and the ugly
... but,

.... that under our arms we've got full protection....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided
that this day they would play the ball where it lies . . .
"No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the
cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his
friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our
lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this
relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would
not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the
cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few
practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and
sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went
flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and
rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of
language.  Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you
don't know what it means."
"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected.  "It means the car
won't start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** Quickies ****

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse
starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns
out her weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she
measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is
very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was
tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"



**** HEALTH NEWS ****

 Peanut allergy is not a disability  

NASHVILLE,  -- Nashville officials and the Tennessee  
attorney general say a boy's peanut allergy does not  
entitle him to long-term home schooling at district  
expense. Officials at Metro Nashville Schools say such  
allergies do not qualify as a disability, and said they  
had taken all steps possible to make Stratton Elementary  
School as safe as possible for 9-year-old Brentson Duke.  
The boy suffered a near fatal reaction in September to  
what mother Laura Duke believes were trace amounts of  
peanuts at his school, the Nashville Tennessean reported.  
While the district had provided home schooling for the  
fourth grader who also is allergic to cinnamon and has  
anxiety attacks, it ended the short-term program Jan.  
13. School officials said they could not guarantee the  
school would be peanut-free. Duke, who told the news-  
paper that she is "mad as hell," is considering her  
legal options after enrolling her son in a Christian  
home school program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

3D structure of HIV is discovered  

OXFORD, England, -- Scientists say the 3D structure of the  
human immunodeficiency virus, which causes AIDS, has been  
determined for the first time. The variable size and shape  
of HIV has made it hard to map, so the British-German  
research team took hundreds of images of virus, which is  
60 times smaller than red blood cells, and then used a  
computer program to combine them. Oxford University  
Professor Stephen Fuller told the BBC: "You say can you  
show me the structure of the HIV virus and the question is  
which one. HIV is very variable. It varied in diameter by  
a factor of three." Despite the variability, the team found  
some consistent features, including the finding the core of  
virus spans the width of the viral membrane. But there are  
spikes on the outside that bind to human immune cells and  
allow the virus to invade them. The scientists told the  
BBC whereas most viruses have internal structures that  
define their size, in the HIV virus it's the membrane that  
defines the size. They say that fact might lead to more  
effective therapeutic approaches. The study is described  
in the journal Structure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

Cells involved with Down syndrome restored  

BALTIMORE, -- Johns Hopkins University scientists in  
Baltimore say they've restored the normal growth of  
nerve cells in the brains of mouse models of Down syn-  
drome. The restoration occurred in the cerebellum --  
the rear, lower part of the brain that controls signals  
from the muscles to coordinate balance and motor learn  
ing. The finding is important, investigators say, be-  
cause the cells rescued represent potential targets for  
therapy in human babies with Down syndrome. And it sug-  
gests similar success for other DS-related disruptions  
of brain growth might lead to additional treatments,  
perhaps prenatally, that restore memory and the ability  
to orient oneself in space. Down syndrome is caused by  
an extra chromosome 21, a condition called trisomy -- a  
third copy of a chromosome in addition to the normal two  
copies. Children with Down syndrome have a variety of  
abnormalities, such as slowed growth, abnormal facial  
features and mental retardation. The brain is always  
small and has a greatly reduced number of neurons. A  
report on the Hopkins work appears in the Jan. 24 issue  
of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.  


**** Cool Links ****
John w/How Great Thou Art
http://heavens-gates.com/howgreatthouart.html

**** ON THIS DAY ****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

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**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1931 Banjo player and comic Harold Morrison born in High  
Lonesome, Mo.  

1934 Songwriter Melvin Endsley ("Singing the Blues") born  
in Drasco, Ark.  

1937 Jeanne Pruett born in Pell City, Ala.  

1938 Norma Jean born near Wellston, Okla.  
  
1940 Jerry Bradley, son of Owen Bradley and former head  
of RCA Records' Nashville office, born in Nashville  
  
1970 Tammy Cochran born in Austinburg, Ohio  
  
1988 Kathy Mattea scored her first No. 1 single with  
"Goin' Gone"  

1999 Jo Dee Messina scored a No. 1 hit with "Stand  
Beside Me"  
  
1980 Warren Smith, rockabilly pioneer, died at age 46  
  
2001 Toby Keith's Blue Moon album certified platinum  
  
2004 Lonestar's Greatest Hits album certified platinum   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

McBride Does the Classics Proud in Chicago

CHICAGO -- Martina McBride finally made the album she'd always wanted to make -- Timeless. And now she's finally out on the road sharing it with the fans who'd stand by her no matter what era the music came from.

For almost three