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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 WEDNESDAY MARCH 01,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Politics is the art of preventing
people from taking part in affairs that properly concern them.

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking
spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very
slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him
the "Are you going to park there?" look.
 
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his
head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at
himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised
his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the
driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
 
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you
would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take
the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she
was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions
about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My
mom has some of those, but I don't think she
knows how to use them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.

The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." -Bill Maher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion
with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortnately he got drunk
and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him
drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the
following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate
said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a
captain myself."
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to
go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the
log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log
entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good
shape. The captain was sober today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women
would love to have a husband who still believes in
chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of
chivalry."
 
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce.
I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while
driving 65 mph."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One finds the most romantic people at home improvement centers.
 
My son was helping a couple purchase a new door for their home.  After he
asked what size they needed, the stumped husband yelled clear across the
store to his wife in home supplies, "Honey, c'mon over here and see which
one of these doors you can fit through!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a long time in a shop window.
 
You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her
appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband
think I'm beautiful?"
 
"Maybe," replied beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow."

"Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"

"As in any gamble," said Mama Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hillary is getting a lot of attention. Republicans are saying she has too much of a temper ... too angry to be president ... if she really had that bad of a temper, wouldn't Bill be dead?" -- David Letterman
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Outside the store a young man with a baby and a four-year-old was struggling to get inside. A well-dressed woman opened the door for him. "Thank you," he said. "I guess chivalry is not dead." "No," replied the woman. "It just changed hands."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At our office, the vending machine often takes the money but refuses to dispense the goods. When this happens, the victim attaches a note to the machine relating the incident and is reimbursed when the vendor refills it. One note I read was a little different, though: "Vendor, Please check the labels on your products. The Pepsi is not Diet, the rice cakes are Twinkies, the pretzels are Cheez-Its...and I'm getting fat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school  
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I  
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.  

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.  

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything  
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught  
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came  
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about  
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you  
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?  

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,  
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."  

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a  
Christian?"  

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the  
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking  
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."  

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,  
"Are you lost?"  

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.  

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated  
preacher asked.  

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is  
it gonna be?"  

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher  
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."  

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his  
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my  
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three  
days."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard  
lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"  

"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.  

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer  
fell overboard?"  

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HONEST
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came  
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,  
"No."  

The next question, intended for people who had answered in  
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The  
applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Strange Laws:
  
  Iowa:
  Kisses may last for as much as, but no more
  than, five minutes.
  
  Kentucky:
  By law, anyone who has been drinking is
  "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the
  ground."
  
  It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in
  your pocket.
  
  Louisiana:
  It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the
  bank teller with a water pistol.
  
  Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple
  assault," while biting someone with your false
  teeth is "aggravated assault."
  
  Massachusetts:
  Mourners at a wake may not eat more than
  three sandwiches.
  
  Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom
  windows are closed and securely locked.
  
  An old ordinance declares goatees illegal
  unless you first pay a special license fee for
  the privilege of wearing one in public.
  
  Nebraska:
  A parent can be arrested if his child cannot
  hold back a burp during a church service.
  
  New Mexico:
  Females are strictly forbidden to appear
  unshaven in public.
  
  New York:
  A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting.  This old
  law specifically prohibits men from turning
  around on any city street and looking "at a
  woman in that way."  A second conviction for
  a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating
  male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-
  blinders" wherever and whenever he goes
  outside for a stroll.
  
  North Dakota:
  Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same
  time in any bar or restaurant.
  
  Ohio:
  Women are prohibited from wearing patent
  leather shoes in public.
  
  Oklahoma:
  Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for
  making ugly faces at a dog.
  
  Females are forbidden from doing their own
  hair without being licensed by the state.
  
  Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor
  in order to congregate in groups of three or
  more on private property.
  
  Pennsylvania:
  A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives
  from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
  
  No man may purchase alcohol without written
  consent from his wife.
  
  Texas:
  A city ordinance states that a person cannot go
  barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar
  permit.
  
  It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at
  a time while standing.
      
  Vermont:
  All lollipops are banned.
  
  A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for
  a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the
  city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
  is entering the town.
  
  West Virginia:
  No children may attend school with their breath
  smelling of "wild onions."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes are walking along the beach when a seagull comes  
along and poops right on the head of one of them.  

"Oh dear," she says. "I have bird poop on my head."  

"Don't worry," says her friend. "I'll get a tissue...be right  
back!"  

"Don't bother, she says. "He'll be miles away by then."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
**** Quickies ****
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit  
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of  
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
~
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but  
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check  
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown   
~ 

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

LAUGH YOUR WAY TO ARTERIAL HEALTH  

Using funny movies to gauge the effect of emotions on  
cardiovascular health, researchers have found laughter  
can promote blood vessel health. The scientists at the  
University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore  
note laughter appears to cause the tissue that forms the  
inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate  
or expand to increase blood flow. When the same group of  
volunteers was shown a movie that produced mental stress,  
their blood vessel lining developed a potentially  
unhealthy response called vasoconstriction, reducing blood  
flow. That finding confirms previous studies, which sug-  
gested a link between mental stress and the narrowing of  
blood vessels. The results were presented at the Scientific  
Session of the American College of Cardiology in Orlando,  
Fla. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

POSSIBLE BLOOD TEST FOR MS  

The finding of at least three biomarkers for multiple scler-  
osis could lead to a simple blood test to diagnose the  
disease, scientists say. The researchers from Wake Forest  
University Baptist Medical Center studied relapsing-remitting  
MS, the most common form, characterized by attacks inter-  
spersed with stable periods. Their findings, reported in the  
Journal of Molecular Neuroscience, suggest a future blood  
test might identify the earliest changes that mark MS, says  
lead researcher Dr. Jagannadha Avasarala. Currently,  
diagnosis -- through patient history, physical examination,  
the costly magnetic resonance imaging and laboratory testing,  
such as lumbar puncture -- is difficult to reach conclusively  
in some patients, Avasarala says. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

SOME BRAIN INJURY FACTS  

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month, and the Veterans  
Administration notes such injuries affect some 1.5 million  
Americans annually. Each year, 80,000 people die of traumatic  
brain injury. Specialists say any injury to the head, be it  
mild, moderate or severe, can result in a TBI, which can  
disrupt the normal function of the brain. Symptoms include  
headache, dizziness, balance problems, lack of energy,  
nausea, increased sensitivity to lights and/or sounds,  
blurred vision or eyes that tire easily, loss of sense of  
smell or taste, ringing in the ears and sleep disturbance.  
Cognitive symptoms may include short-term memory deficits,  
confusion, poor concentration, difficulty making simple  
decisions and slow thinking, speaking, acting or reading.  
Behavioral symptoms include increased irritability, sad mood,  
lack of motivation and increased anxiety. VA studies show  
anyone with a brain injury can benefit from rehabilitation  
services, researchers say.


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1976 Linda Ronstadt won her first Grammy as best country  
female vocal performance for "I Can't Help It If I'm Still  
in Love with You"  

1976 Willie Nelson won his first Grammy for "Blue Eyes  
Crying in the Rain"  

1996 Shania Twain won her first Grammy for her album The  
Woman in Me  
  
1911 Jim Denny, music executive and a member of the  
Country Music Hall of Fame, born in Silver Point, Tenn.  
  
1923 Audrey Williams born in Banks, Ala.  

1927 Don Helms, steel player with Hank Williams' Drifting  
Cowboys, born in New Brockton, Ala.  

1940 Joe South born in Atlanta, Ga.  
  
1998 Anita Cochran's duet with Steve Wariner, "What If I  
Said," went to No. 1  
  
1986 Barbara Mandrell performed at L.A.'s Universal  
Amphitheater as the first concert following a near-fatal  
auto accident  
  
1971 Fiddlin' Arthur Smith died at age 72  
  
1997 Brooks & Dunn's Waitin' on Sundown album certified  
triple platinum  
  
1949 Tennessee Ernie Ford released his first single,  
"Tennessee Border," for Capitol   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Faith Hill, Wynonna to Sing at Nashville Fundraiser  

Faith Hill and Wynonna will both perform at the second  
annual Diva Nashvegas event on April 8 in Nashville. CMT's  
Katie Cook will host the event. Tickets are $200, and  
proceeds will benefit the Oasis Center, an organization  
that helps youth (ages 13 to 21) in crisis. The event will  
be held in a tent at Centennial Park with a casual dinner  
catered by the Loveless Caf?©. "I am thrilled to be a part  
of this year's Divas Nashvegas and look forward to a great  
night for the Oasis Center," Hill said. Wynonna noted, "It  
is an honor to be invited back to celebrate the spirit of  
the Oasis Center, a place that has given so much to so  
many."   

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

CRUNCHY TURKEY SALAD   

1 cup cooked, cubed turkey meat  
2 celery, chopped  
2 tart apples, cored and cubed  
1/2 cup chopped walnuts  
1/4 cup sour cream  
1/4 cup mayonnaise  
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley  
2 tablespoons lemon juice  
1 tablespoon honey  
1 tablespoon prepared Dijon-style mustard  
1/4 teaspoon salt  
ground black pepper to taste   


In a large bowl, combine the turkey, celery, apples and  
walnuts.  
  
Prepare the dressing in a small bowl by whisking together  
the sour cream, mayonnaise, parsley, lemon juice, honey,  
mustard, salt and pepper. Pour over turkey mixture and toss  
to evenly coat. Refrigerate until chiled.   
   YIELD: 6 Servings 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The South's Best Banana Pudding
Mix together 1 can sweetened condensed milk and 1 cup water. Wisk in a
small box of regular vanilla pudding. Chill in frig for 30 minutes. Fold
in a small tub of thawed cool whip. Slice 4 large bananas and layer in a
glass bowl the pudding, bananas and vanilla wafer cookies. Top with
extra cool whip, cookies and bananas to decorate. Chill 2 hours and
serve. Serves 8  
 

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Whose territory is Antarctica?

The Antarctic Treaty, signed on 1 December 1959 and entered into force on 23 June 1961, establishes the legal framework for the management of Antarctica.

Periodic meetings are held and the decisions are made by consensus, not by vote. At the end of 2003, there were 45 treaty member nations: 27 consultative and 18 non-consultative; consultative (decision-making) members include the seven nations that claim portions of Antarctica as national territory:

Argentina, Australia, Chile, France, New Zealand, Norway, and the UK.

Nonclaimant consultative nations are - Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, China, Ecuador, Finland, Germany, India, Italy, Japan, South Korea, Netherlands, Peru, Poland, Russia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Uruguay and the US.

The claims are not recognized formally. So in practical terms the territory has no "owner", but a "managing body". A series of regulations are in force there, like the fact that is not possible to test weapons or use for facilities that could contaminate it.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

Why do people say 'life is short'? Life is the longest darn
thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

TOON TIME

Rookie...
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Broke
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Hazard Frog
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AOL Headquarters...
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Snowman With A Cold...
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<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/014.htm">AOL here</a>

Human Skin
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Kiss Panda Bears
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Turtle
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Car Wash??
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Java Man
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<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny265.html">Here!</a>



LAST CALL Y'ALL

Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her lesson. "Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face. "What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling. "You think it's funny, Johnny? You know the answer?" growled Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her de-calfenated!"

That's all folks
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Hey, Let's be careful out there
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