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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 THURSDAY MARCH 2,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Advice is like castor oil,
easy to give, but dreadful to take."


The elderly Priest, speaking to the younger Priest said: "It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats.  It has worked like a charm - the front of the church fills     first."
     
  The young Priest nodded, and the old Priest continued.  "And you told me a 'little more beat' to the music would bring the younger people back to church so I suppose the Rock 'N Roll Gospel choir you bought in was another good idea  -  we are packed to the balcony."
     
  "Thank you Father," answered the young Priest.  "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
  
   "Yes - but I am afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional."   "Oh come on Father, you have to admit my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
                 
  "I know son," replied the elderly Priest, "but the flashing neon sign - 'Toot n' Tell or Go to Hell ' simply cannot stay on the church roof!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous. "Jim," he said, "You're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think . . .if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?"

"I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The question is, where would YOU be?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One summer day I rented my favorite horse from the local stables. We crossed the highway in the morning with no trouble, but at the end of the day, traffic at the same road spooked the horse. I dismounted and led him across the intersection. On the other side, he was still so skittish that I was unable to remount. I led the horse into a car-dealer's lot and approached a salesman to ask if he'd hold the horse while I remounted. The salesman breathed a sigh of relief and exclaimed: "Whew! I thought for a minute you were going to use him for a trade-in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.

The clerk explained this policy to a grouchy customer, and the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk quickly replied, "George W. Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC."

The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from ME!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old
lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her
cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with
her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the
little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in nearly bent
in HALF and now you're walking upright! What did the doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A spry 83, I try to maintain the attitude and energy of a younger person. One day I spotted an elderly lady waiting to enter a crosswalk. To give her confidence I gently took her by the elbow and crossed with her. At the other side, she held my hand in both of hers. "Now," she said, "can you go the rest of the way yourself?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping
on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For years we lived in a small town with one bank and three churches. Early one Monday morning, the bank called all three churches with the same request, "Could you bring in Sunday's collection right away? We're out of one-dollar bills."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at
Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the
magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You
know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his
sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard
in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing
a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving. One
little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at
him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard,
you were a real pane!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The university I was attending required that students complete anonymous course evaluations at the end of each semester. The compiled comments are then returned to the professor who taught the class. One psychology professor has the following excerpt from a student's evaluation of his course posted on his door: "This is only a second-year course. I feel that questions on exams requiring thinking skills are unfair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANNA BET
A man and his wife went to a family planning clinic.

"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said
the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're
stupid."

"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your
diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week
do you do it?"

"Do what?" asked the wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the
doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely
normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts
you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him,
'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town
and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As
he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After
he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian
approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me
that I'll smash your face in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city
sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he
couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the
workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what
the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then
the other guy immediately fills it back up again. One of the city
workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "I hear they are suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer, and now someone is
suing the fast food goliaths for making them fat.......... so what I
want to know is............. Can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women
I have slept with?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she
needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be
beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest'
lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand
dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried
my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" He
squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a statistics student who, when driving his car, would always
accelerate hard before coming to an intersection, whiz straight over it,
and slow down again once he was beyond it. One day, he took along a
passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style and
asked him why he went so fast over intersections. The statistics student
replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are for more likely to have
an accident at an intersection, so I just make sure that I spend less
time there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
**** Quickies ****
Price a few new houses and find out how attractive
your old one will suddenly appear
~
The best kind of wrinkles only indicate where lovely smiles have often been.
~

You can't always expect to get people to see eye to eye with you if you keep looking down on them much of the time.

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

Police in Indianapolis, Indiana got a call Wednesday night from
a grocery store about a man running out the door without paying
for a package of diapers.

A few minutes later another call came from a liquor store that
had just been robbed by a male wearing what appeared to be diapers
wrapped around his head as a disguise.

Within minutes, police located a vehicle matching the description
of both incidents a few blocks away.

Inside the car was a man, an opened package of disposable diapers,
two youths and several hun- dred dollars.

The two kids, both teenagers, were the alleged robber's own. His
reason for having a package of diapers in his car? He claims they
were for his kids.

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

A German man who whipped his fianc?Še with a cat, faces prosecution
under strict animal-rights laws.

The 34-year-old cat-hater picked up the cat and repeatedly beat
his fianc?Še with it while he was drunk.

The 49-year-old woman who suffered cuts and bruises, filed charges
of assault.

No word on the condition of the feline.

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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT  

Too much salt has been deemed harmful, potentially leading  
to hypertension, but too little also can have a deleterious  
effect on health, scientists say. For the body to function  
well, there should be a proper balance between potassium  
and sodium, which plays a part in such key processes as  
circulation, digestion, metabolism and nerve impulses, says  
Roger Clemens, a sodium and nutritional biochemistry expert  
with the Institute of Food Technologists and adjunct pro-  
fessor at the University of Southern California. He says  
the rate of salt intake by U.S. consumers has not changed  
substantially over the past 25 years. "By paying more  
attention to the Nutrition Facts Label included on all  
processed foods, individuals whose hypertension is affected  
by sodium can begin to take control over their sodium intake,"  
Clemens advises. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

MAJOR CANCER KILLER PREVENTABLE  

An American Cancer Society report says taking preventive  
steps such as using screening tests could prevent most  
deaths from colorectal cancer. This is the third leading  
cause of cancer and cancer death in men and women in the  
United States, ACS scientists say in a special edition  
of the Society's Facts and Figures, created for the sixth  
annual National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, March  
2005. "The tests we have right now allow doctors to detect  
this killer at its earliest, most treatable stage or even  
prevent it altogether," says Dr. Stephen Sener, the  
society's national volunteer president. "Unfortunately,  
despite recommendations from the American Cancer Society  
and other health organizations to begin screening at age  
50, less than half of Americans 50 and over have had a  
recent test." The society estimates 145,290 Americans will  
be diagnosed with colorectal cancer this year, and 56,290  
will die of the disease.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

CANCER-PREVENTION DRUG MIGHT SAVE LIVES  

Researchers say the drug finasteride might save lives if  
given to men to prevent prostate cancer. The study, published  
in the journal Cancer, indicates any increase from the drug  
in the incidence of higher-grade tumors could be offset by an  
overall reduction in prostate cancer cases in the general  
population, the study authors say. In the study, finasteride  
reduced the incidence of prostate cancer by 24.8 percent,  
compared to a placebo. However, the researchers also noted an  
increase in the number of high-grade tumors in the trial. A  
subsequent analysis by Joseph Unger and a team of researchers  
from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle  
indicates a net reduction in person-years saved over 10 years  
using finasteride.  


**** ON THIS DAY ****

"Investigation" 
A woman had a beautiful black cat with  white feet, named Socks. Socks spent
his days outside and came indoors only at  night. One cool October evening, he
disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several  days, but all in vain. The
following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking  healthy and clean. She
figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let  it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn,  when Socks once again
disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he  returned. When it
happened for the third year in a row, she became very  perplexed, and decided to
investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to  see what, if any, information
they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the  home of an older couple. If
they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where  she would turn. So she
went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house  answered, and she asked
her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with  4 white feet around
here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white  feet? Oh my, yes! He's the
sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him  outside every fall. We hated it
that the poor thing had to be out in the cold,  so we decided that when we go
south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's  been going to Florida with
us every winter for the last few  years."

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1901 Old-time fiddler Tommy Jarrell born  

1917 Country Music Hall of Fame member Cliffie Stone born  
in Stockton, Calif.  

1945 Singer Arleen Harden born in England, Ark.  

1954 Janis Gill (Sweethearts of the Rodeo) born in  
Manhattan Beach, Calif.  

1961 Singer-songwriter Davis Daniel born in Chicago  
  
1964 Jennifer McCarter of the McCarters born in  
Sevierville, Tenn.  

1966 Singer-songwriter Clinton Gregory born in  
Martinsville, Va.  
  
1947 Eddy Arnold's No. 1 single "What Is Life Without  
Love?" charted  
  
1988 Pearl Butler (Carl & Pearl Butler) died at age 60  
  
1957 Buck Owens signed with Capitol Records  

1969 Barbara Mandrell signed her first major label  
contract with Columbia  

1972 Merle Haggard granted a full pardon by California  
Gov. Ronald Reagan  

1973 MCA Records established in Universal City, Calif.  
  
1991 The Real Patsy Cline long-form video certified gold  
  
1952 Uncle Dave Macon made his last Grand Ole Opry appearance  
  
1991 Hank Williams Jr.'s Full Access long-form video  
certified platinum  

1996 Alison Krauss's breakthrough Now That I've Found You  
anthology certified double platinum  
  
1949 Hank Williams recorded the Top 20 single "Lost Highway"  
for MGM  

1952 Faron Young's first Capitol recording session  

1967 Johnny Cash and June Carter recorded the Top 10 single  
"Long-Legged Guitar Pickin' Man" for Columbia  
  
1968 Johnny Cash married June Carter in Franklin, Ky.   



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****


Sara Evans was named an official ambassador for the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), it was announced today, during NEDA's 19th annual National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW), Feb. 26th - March 4th.
Evans - currently on the road with label mate Brad Paisley for the Time Well Wasted tour - has had hits including "Born to Fly," "Perfect," "Suds in the Bucket," "Cheatin'" and "A Real Fine Place To Start."
After watching a close friend battle a life threatening eating disorder, Evans, a mother of two daughters, made the decision to devote herself to the cause.
"I am so honored to announce my affiliation as an ambassador for NEDA," said Evans. "Thankfully I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but am well aware of our society's obsession with body image. My passion for this cause is much more personal. I almost lost my best friend to anorexia. I am lending my voice as an entertainer, a mom and a friend because I want to bring great awareness to this cause."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keith's White Trash With Money Set for April 11  

Toby Keith has set an April 11 release date for White Trash  
With Money, the first album on his Show Dog Nashville record  
label. The album includes 12 songs written or co-written by  
Keith and three bonus songs he usually only performs for  
friends aboard his tour bus. "It's an honest effort and I'm  
real proud of it," Keith says of the album. "As long as I  
can continue making music the way I do, I couldn't be hap-  
pier. I've accomplished everything else." In related news,  
his album Greatest Hits 2 was certified triple platinum this  
week for shipments of 3 million copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crow Invites Gill, Adams, Randolph to VH1 Classic Taping  

Sheryl Crow has invited Vince Gill, singer-songwriter Ryan  
Adams and pedal steel phenomenon Robert Randolph to join  
her taping of Decades Rock Live! on April 7 in Atlantic  
City, N.J. The live concert series debuted on VH1 Classic  
last fall. Gill is working on his next album for MCA  
Nashville, due for release later this year. A popular solo  
artist in the Americana format, Adams wrote Tim McGraw's  
new single, "When the Stars Go Blue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`   

   Tim McGraw's third TV special, "Tim McGraw: Reflected" will air Wednesday, April 5 at 8 p.m. eastern on NBC. The show will feature a concert in New York City andperformances from his farm in Nashville, duets with wife Faith Hill.
In New York City, McGraw appeared at The Avalon. The special also shows McGraw up-close and personal on his Nashville farm. Hank Williams Jr. joins him for a jam session, plus an orchestra for his rendition of "My Little Girl" - the title track of his upcoming feature film "Flicka" - his long-time band the Dancehall Doctors, and wife and Faith Hill as the couple sing to each other in front of their fireplace.
McGraw will release a greatest hits package March 28. He also has his spring-summer "Soul 2 Soul II" tour with wife Hill begins April 21 and will include 70-plus cities, plus his upcoming Fox film "Flicka" is currently scheduled to be in theaters on July 28.