A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.

A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I drove a school bus, and one day a cute but demanding four-year old kept saying to the bus aide, "Pick up my backpack!" I told him that wasn't a polite way to talk and said, "Don't you know the magic word to ask for something?" He piped right up: "Yeah! Abracadabra!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend took her automobile in to the shop to see what was wrong. Upon checking back with the mechanic he said, "We're narrowed it down to something expensive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since my nephew, a civil engineer, had to spend quite a bit of time on a construction site to supervise the work, he felt that he, like the workers, should wear a safety helmet. He ordered one, and the company shipped it parcel post. When the package arrived, he wondered if he should really trust the helmet with his safety: the parcel was labelled FRAGILE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One tenth grade student, after he had missed school, handed in a note from his mother. It read: "Please excuse Matthew for being absent for the past four days. He had the 24-hour flu."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.  During the ride we talked about
how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how
are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without
hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a
dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it
said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex."  After my husband tasted
it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this
dessert."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Land Titles Office, titles are arranged according to their legal description: the lot, block, town or city name and plan number. Some people wanting titles often just give us their address, which was the case in one letter we received from a lady. We wrote back asking her to give us a legal description. A few days later, we received her reply. "I am 24 years old, five foot five, blonde hair...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on  
the witness stand.  

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband  
sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage,  
didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest  
pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly  
unconscious of it?"  

"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a  
moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."  

"And, when was that?"  

"When he asked for the second cup."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine  
to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't  
worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.  

"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.  

"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying  
it from you, it's a fiddle."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more
information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really more
intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started
filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pig goes into the telegraph office, fills out a "Send Telegraph"
form and gives it to the telegraph operator. The operator reads
it and it says, "oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink".

The operator then tells the pig, "For the same price you can have
nine words in your message.

Would you like to add another 'oink?'"  The pig looks at the man
in disbelief and replies, "But then it wouldn't make any sense!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated
the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus
party.

Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates
at parties.

"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic
types than to dumb party animals," she said.  "What's your G.
P. A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in
the city and 40 on the highway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be
spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the
doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of
hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How
much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak
to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do
your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something
happens to me .. Your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive
new MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged
owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the
work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely
annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though
she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate. This
was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist
on ordering for her, and on calling her "dearest" or "darling"
within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much it
bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior
continued. Finally, as he led her into a four- star restaurant,
she took matters into her own hands. "Where would you like to
sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre d'.  "Gee,"
she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bozo criminal for today comes from Martin County, Florida, where
bozo Michael Massey was pulled over by the cops on suspicion
of drunk driving. The officer's suspicions were confirmed when
he saw the open bottle of rum in the seat next to our bozo. He
was writing out the citation when our bozo came up with an offer
that sealed his fate and secured his position in the Bozo Hall of
Fame. Reaching into the glove compartment, our bozo pulled out a
stack of Dunkin' Donuts coupons and said, "You can have these if
you'll just let me park the car and walk home." He let him park
the car all right, so he could haul him off to the county jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rode home with a female coworker (A blonde?) about five years
ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She
asked if I trusted "those people."

"People *who*?" I asked?

She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every
time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks
his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can
find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you
to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can
proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

"If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get
the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance
and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He
*then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how
much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books.

"Wonder where they find all those little people at??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to
find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old
sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first
at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my
father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused
the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and
phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the
television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Josh Turner tops the Billboard song chart for the week ending March 11 with "Your Man," while Carrie Underwood continues to dominate the album chart with "Some Hearts."
Turner took over the song chart top spot from Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" with Dolly Parton, which fell to second. Kenny Chesney was up one to third with "Living in Fast Forward," while Rascal Flatts climbed one spot to fourth with "What Hurts the Most," the first single from their upcoming disc.
Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry" was up one to fifth.
Blake Shelton's Nobody But Me" was a big climber, up 4 spots to 10th, while "Who Says You Can't Go Home," Bon Jovi's duet with Jenifer Nettles of Sugarland also was up 4 to 11. Brooks & Dunn, likewise, moved up 4 to 13th with "Believe."
On the album chart, Turner stayed second with "Your Man." Johnny Cash's "The Legend of Johnny Cash" was up one to fourth, switching spots with Rascal Flatts' "Feels Lke Today." Trace Adkins moved up one to fifth with "Songs About Me."
Martina McBride jumped 6 spots to 18th with "Timeless," her covers album. Big & Rich had a similar climb with "Horse of a Different Color," which is now 33rd.
On the overall top 200, Underwood was 9th, Turner 16th, Cash 20th, Rascal Flatts 21st and Adkins 23rd.
 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Perfect Winter Beef Stew

Prep Time: 15 min
Total Time: 2 hr 15 min
Makes: 8 servings
 
3/4 cup  KRAFT Italian Dressing
    2 lb.  beef for stew, such as beef chuck roast, cut into 1-inch
chunks
  6 slices  OSCAR MAYER Bacon, chopped
    1 large  onion, chopped
  3 cups sliced mushrooms
    3 cups sliced carrots
  3 medium  potatoes (about 1-1/2 lb.), peeled, cut into large chunks
    1 can (14-1/2 oz.) stewed tomatoes, undrained
  1 can (14-1/2 oz.) beef broth
PLACE dressing and meat in large resealable plastic bag. Refrigerate 30
min. to marinate. Meanwhile, cook bacon in large saucepot on medium heat
5 min. or until crisp. Remove bacon from saucepot; drain. ADD onions and
mushrooms; cook on medium-high heat 10 min. or until softened. Remove
meat from marinade; discard marinade. Add meat, carrots, potatoes,
tomatoes with their liquid, the broth and bacon to saucepot. Bring to
boil, stirring occasionally. Reduce heat to low; cover and simmer 1 hour
and 15 min.  SIMMER, uncovered, 15 min. or until meat is tender and
sauce is thickened, stirring occasionally. 

Special Extra
Add 1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves with the broth for extra flavor.

Nutrition (per serving)Calories360  Total fat21g  Saturated fat7g
Cholesterol70mg  Sodium520mg  Carbohydrate21g  Dietary fiber4g  Sugars7g
Protein23g  Vitamin A120%DV  Vitamin C20%DV  Calcium6%DV  Iron20%DV