Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY MARCH 07,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Man does not live by bread alone,
which is why he's always getting into some kind of jam.

One of the employees said, "No. When we take a break,
it takes a break."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Car accidents are not always easy to explain, as
evidenced by the following insurance form statements
written and submitted by the unlucky drivers
themselves:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out that it
was up when I put my head through it.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which
often causes confusion. When my car registration
arrived marked "M" for male, I sent it back to the
motor-vehicle bureau with this request: "I am
an 'F.' Would you please make the correction?"

The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read:
"Please give the reason for this change."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because there were quite a few golfers ahead of us, my sister and I and the two older ladies with whom we had been teamed sat chatting. One of the ladies looked at me and said hesitantly, "I don't know if I should tell you this..."

Alarmed, I blurted, "What?"

She pointed to the biggest daddy-longlegs spider I had ever seen, perched in the middle of the front of my shirt! I shot to my feet, let out a bloodcurdling scream and frantically brushed my hands up and down my shirt. While everyone within hearing distance stared at me, I sat down to regain my composure. The lady looked at me sympathetically. "That's exactly what I would have done," she assured me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However, her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving my gift, a well- taped box of chocolates, she had immediately put it in the freezer because she had already gained about six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation. One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in anticipation, opened the box, and discovered a frozen black sequined evening purse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Gene Hackman was cast to play Lex Luthor in Superman (in 1978), he agreed to wear a fake bald headcap, but refused to get rid of his bushy moustache. Dick Donner, the film's director, was not amused. Luthor, he complained, was supposed to be clean- shaven. "That," Hackman retorted, "is your problem!" In a desperate bid to persuade him to shave, Donner visited Hackman in makeup one day and offered him a modest proposal: If he would get rid of his treasured moustache, Donner himself would follow suit - right then and there.

Eventually, Hackman agreed and was soon clean-shaven - whereupon Donner plucked from his face... a fake moustache!

After a moment of incredulous anger, Hackman joined Donner in a round of laughter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night on the set of Francis Martin's "Tillie and Gus", W. C. Fields found himself shooting a scene in a diver's costume. According to the script something had gone wrong and Fields was to be hauled up in a diver's bell, half dead, and then gasp, "is there a doctor in the house?" Instead of uttering the scripted line, however, Fields pointed at his gigantic diving footwear and exclaimed: "[Boxer] Primo Carnera's carpet slippers!" Fields was promptly reprimanded for changing the line. "Why? That's funny," he replied. "Everybody knows about Carnera's big feet." Nonetheless, with the hour approaching midnight, it was agreed that the scene should be reshot. Coming up a second time, Fields pointed to his feet again and quipped: "Charlie Frobisher's bedroom slippers!" Again, he was scolded for changing the line. "What's the matter with you?" Fields cried. "Don't you know the name 'Charlie Frobisher' always gets a laugh? People will howl at it!" The director, astonished by Fields's terrible judgement, began to wonder whether he was losing his mind. As the clock struck midnight, Fields was sent into the tank again. Upon rising this time, he promptly spoke the proper line and went home.

The explanation soon became apparent: Fields's contract stipulated that he be paid an $800 bonus every time he worked past midnight! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home
from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and
a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written
across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one
fault. She talks too much in school. I have an
idea I am going to try, which I think may break
her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on
the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally
because I would like to try it out on her mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found.

None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home.

When I went to the chapel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved. Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of their first child.
At the wife's insistence, they had paid the entire medical bill and were now
worried about meeting other payments.
They were discussing their sad financial situation one
evening when their son demanded a diaper change.
As the wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter,
"The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her
neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How
much are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not
getting enough. The other night when their boys were being particularly
rambunctious, and groping each other, she yelled at them
"In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied, "No kidding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so
tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes
in a week".

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out
a pair of jeans in a day".

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to
see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO THEY REALLY LISTEN ?
At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign
of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and
the blessing, after which the congregation responded, "And
also with you."

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest
appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system
during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion
of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something
wrong with the mike."

The congregation automatically responded, "And also with
you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lad came running down the middle of the street littered
with broken glass, bricks and other pieces of trash from the rat
infested, decaying tenement buildings on both sides of the street
looking for a cop.

He found one around the corner leaning against a wall, reading a
free newspaper. next to the news stand and tugging on his sleeve
begged him, "Please, officer, please come back to the bar with me,
my father's in a terrible fight. "

The cop hurriedly follows the lad back to the Irish bar around
the next corner and finds three big bloodied micks in one hell of
a doneybrook fighting like their life depended on the outcome

After a while, the cop, enjoying the raw display of male physical
power and havin' no desire to get in the middle of the maelstrom,
thinks maybe he can possibly pull one of the men out of the fray
without too much danger to himself, turns to the boy, and says,
"Okay lad, which one's your father."

The boy looks up at the cop and says, "Well I don't rightly know
officer, cuz that's what they're fighting about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM"
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I
used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and
family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book . If I still remember how.
(note-I love to read & have discovered some of my fav authors come in
e-book--whew I still get my net with my books)
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to
turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my
checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...
And the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk walks into a bar full of customers and slurs to the bartender,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for 76.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living
daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and, slurring
as
always, says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me
the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the
States, unless you count the increasing popularity of
the nine-millimeter bullet
~
The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000
Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was
hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex
~
When a stupid man is doing something he is
ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
~
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
~
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
~
Why can't dogs use computers?

Because you can't stick your head out of Windows XP
~

**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****

Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got
trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is
somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think
there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top.
I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?
"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me
three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.
"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."
"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.
And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."
He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor
on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?,"
asks the psychiatrist.
"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to
pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me
100% for just ten dollars."
"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do
that?" And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off
my bed."

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Who Was That Masked Man?
By Robert R. Thomas
Hurricane Bertha left me in a bad mood. I had managed to maintain my
sour disposition for several days in spite of the attempts of almost
everybody to cheer me up. I had leaks in my ceiling at the gallery,
the floors were flooded, the showcases dirty, there was no air
conditioning or electricity, and I had over one hundred artists
calling me to see if their work had been damaged. On top of all
that, I had to drive over to Jacksonville in the pouring rain and
choking heat, and the air conditioner in my truck had quit working.
I was not happy.
As I motored along North Carolina's Highway 24 to Jacksonville, my
faithful truck was trying to tell me something . . Something
important like . . . YOU FORGOT TO BUY GAS! For the first time in my
life I had run out of gas. I'd always smirked at the friends and
family who'd done this, as if to say, "How could you be so stupid?
There's a gauge on the dashboard to tell you that your tank is
empty, and all you have to do is read it."
I was right: There was a gauge, and it said EMPTY.
I was not happy.
I coasted to the side of the road, saying several things about my
own mental abilities . . . Several things about Hurricane
Bertha . . . And vowing to sit there until the darn truck rotted and
fell apart.
As I contemplated the possibility of getting a job with the French
Foreign Legion, I heard a motorcycle pull up beside me: a big,
throaty, rumbling, growling Harley-Davidson. I opened my door and
was face to face with a throwback to the 1960s. Snakes were painted
all over his face shield and helmet and tattooed all over his body.
He wore the traditional Harley-Davidson garb: denim jacket, jeans
and biker boots. Chains hung from every available hook or loop. His
hair was so long that he had it doubled up and tied to keep it out
of his wheels. The Harley was straight out of Easy Rider - extended
front fork; suicide rack on the back; black, purple and green paint
job, and the gas tank painted to look like a skull with glowing
green eyes.
"S'wrong?" he said. His shield and helmet completely masked his face
"I'm out of gas," I whispered.
"B'right back." And he rode off. About fifteen minutes later he
returned with a can of gas.
When I offered to pay him he said, "Wait till ya get to the station."
I started my truck and drove the two or three miles to the station
as he followed along (in the pouring rain). Again I offered to pay
him. He said, "Pay the guy inside. Everything okay now?" I said yes.
He said, "See ya!" And off he rode down Highway 24 toward
Jacksonville, hair undone and flying in the wind, Harley roaring and
throwing up spray from the pavement.
After pumping twenty-four dollars worth of gas, I went into the
station and gave the attendant thirty dollars. He said, "It's only
four dollars. The other guy paid twenty and said to tell you
to 'pass it on, Brother.'"
I will always remember the kindness of the snakes-and-chains
stranger on the Harley with the glowing green eyes, and I will never
again judge anyone by their looks (a promise I had often made to
myself). And I will always wonder, "Who was that masked man?"
As for the twenty dollars . . . I passed it on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
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jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

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**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1905 Bob Wills born in Limestone County, Texas

1922 Pioneering bluegrass musician Carl Sauceman of the
Sauceman Brothers born

1937 Banjo master Doug Dillard born in Salem, Mo.

1964 Singer-songwriter Skip Ewing born in Redlands, Calif.

1976 Emmylou Harris's first No. 1 single, "Together Again,"
charted

1999 Sara Evans scored her first No. 1 single with "There's
No Place That Far"

1999 George Jones was seriously injured when his SUV
crashed into a bridge near Franklin, Tenn.

1968 The Best Of Buck Owens album certified gold

2004 Dierks Bentley's self-titled debut album certified gold

2004 Rascal Flatts' Melt album certified double platinum

2004 Montgomery Gentry's My Town album certified platinum

2004 Martina McBride's Greatest Hits album certified triple
platinum

1990 Travis Tritt's debut album, Country Club, released

1983 The Country Music Television (CMT) cable channel
debuted