Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very angry voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

One - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Two - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Three - I'm a six-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Four - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

Five - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REDNECK MAMA
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"We ll," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the case worker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.
Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."    The
waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess From
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said,
"I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting;
you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him,
"Go home now, and use one of these each morning
and one at night until they're gone.
Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned,
still complaining of hemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry.
"I took one every morning and every night as you instructed,
even though they were pretty hard to swallow."
"For all the good they did me,
I might just as well have shoved them up my a++!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab
newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car
noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your
mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through
assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So, I switched to
the Arab newspaper.
"Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews
are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texas A & M student named Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone.
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda asks "why?"
Jill replies, "I need to buy cosmetics"
Linda asks "why"
Jill replies "Well, my English prof says, 'I have a make-up exam on Monday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While the group of doctors I worked for were having their office space renovated, we on the staff continued working. The receptionist often helped the administrator with decorating and final touches. One day they were working on the shower curtain in the doctors' change room when a phone call came in for the administrator. The clerk who answered apologized, saying, "He can't come to the phone right now -- he's in the shower with Melissa."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a reporter, I spent several years covering the police courts. One day I was walking down a hallway with an attorney, engrossed in a discussion on a point of law. When he opened a door and walked through, I followed, preoccupied with the matter we had been debating. Suddenly, he stopped. "Can I ask you something?" he asked.
"Sure," I replied.
"Do you really think you should be in the men's washroom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Extremely tired of nagging my children to do their everyday chores, I typed up a list of rules and went over all 30 with them.

A little while later, my husband walked over and read the posted list, looked at me and said, "God made only ten Commandments."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function,
and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which
the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me,
Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency
in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person
hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would
you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter
that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under
the bridges in California's Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in
some sort of escort service."