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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 TGIF FRIDAY MARCH 10,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A good way to forget
your troubles is to help others out of theirs.

ON STRIKE ?
A father came home and found his three children outside, still in their
pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn
all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was
the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the
front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes
filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge
door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass
lay under the table, and a small pile of sand spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and
more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the
bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes,"
was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion.  
So when an advertising company offered to put my father's  
business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my  
dad jumped at the chance.  

Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced  
to those placards.  

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.  

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"  

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my  
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of  
her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the  
baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a  
boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy  
to give this information over the phone.  

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me  
what she didn't have?"  

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had been on vacation at the beach with my daughter for the
first time. She was just five and was beginning to peel from her
very first sunburn.

While I was putting some lotion on her back, she was looking at
herself in the full length mirror on the back of the bedroom door,
when tears suddenly filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm
only five and I'm already starting to wear out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking
female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all
released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention
for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she
would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown
back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence
with a proposition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving along the freeway in Southern CA, I spied two landscaping trucks
loaded with sod and bearing these slogans: "Instant Grassification" and
"Sodisfaction Guaranteed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper sticker seen near Cistern, TX, in the heart of cattle -ranching
country: Seven Days Without Beef Makes One Weak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from
a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough
to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he
explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you
to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she
said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The price of gas in Texas has gone so high ... that women who want to
run over their husbands have started carpooling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could:

"The Atlantic Ocean."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale
to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the
device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's
weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then
weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the
first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm
the aunt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Handyman 
 One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.
"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said.

A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpender anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said again.

A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.
"Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she replied.

A couple of days later he went on a buisness trip.
When he came back he asked how things had been. 
"Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixes our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."
"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.

"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him.

"What did you do?" he asked.

She looked at him smugly and said:

"Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand
Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells
them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
simple question.   St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is
Easter?"   The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the
holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey,
and are thankful..." "Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St.
Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,
"What is Easter?"   The second blonde replies, "Easter is the
holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at
the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly
Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers
over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,

"What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks
St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St.
Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a
large boulder."   St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The
third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was
in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find
out what was the matter his mother asked,

"Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"

He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."

His mother became very concerned and asked,

"Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"

With a tearful reply he said,

"Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision,
and I wear glasses!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.
And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of
times we didn't get nothin."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~blondie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a temporary shutdown of operations at a large plant, trained
police dogs were hired to protect the building from vandalism. A company
executive who was unaware of the new regime arrived at the plant early
one morning.

As he was walking down the corridor to his office, he came face to face
with one of the dogs, accompanied by his trainer.

The dog reacted to the presence of the stranger by baring his teeth and
uttering a menacing growl. The executive froze to the spot. The trainer
shouted in an authoritative tone the command: "Sit!"

The unnerved executive promptly sat down on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, the temperature was hovering around -20 degrees, I was in the supermarket when a gentleman with an unusual accent asked for directions to the produce department. As I tried to place the accent, I asked him how he liked the weather. "It's nice," he said. "Like back home."

Then I asked him where home was.

"Siberia," he replied
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our city-bred teacher brought some eggs into class in our country school and told us we'd soon witness the hatching of our own chicks. We watched in anticipation after they were settled in their nest of straw under lamps, but by the weekend they still hadn't hatched. We arrived back on Monday morning full of curiosity, hoping we had chicks. We didn't, and they were now overdue. Later that day we overheard our teacher discussing the situation with his colleague, who suggested they might be dead. "I don't understand how," our teacher said. "I even took them home on the weekend and kept them in the fridge so they wouldn't spoil." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

**** Quickies ****

I tell people I'm pushing 50.  They say it looks more like I'm
dragging it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares
the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables
in their possession.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between husbands and
prisoners?
 
A. Prisoners complain behind bars.  Husbands complain
in them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her 
daughter wanted to know why.  
 
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to
the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with
it," she explained.  
 
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter
said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom,
but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was a genius."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Television has proved that people will look
at anything rather than each other
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Parker saw his son??™s shiner and demanded, ???Jimmy, who gave you that black eye???? ???No one,??? replied the spunky child. ???I had to fight for it.???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION: Why don't cannibals eat divorced men?
ANSWER: They're too bitter.

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**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Driver Calls Upon Nature Instead of 911 to Put Out Fire   

NEWBOLD, England - A driver of Newbold, England doused the  
flames of his burning automobile using his own built-in  
fire extinguisher. According to car owner Carl Ellis, the  
key got stuck in the ignition and when he removed the barrel  
some metal caught a wire and sparked a fire. With no water  
or a fire extinguisher immediately at hand, Ellis reportedly  
unzipped his pant and "let nature do its work." Derbyshire  
fire service have accepted the fact that Ellis' actions  
possibly saved greater damage but advised anyone in a simi-  
lar situation to call them out instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Sit Right Back and You'll Hear a Tale...

LONDON - A British kayaker who capsized in heavy seas off  
southern England used his cellphone to raise the alarm - by  
calling his father 3,500 miles away. Mark Ashton-Smith, a  
lecturer at Cambridge University, told rescuers he knew he  
was in serious trouble but did not think to call nearby  
emergency services. His father Alan Pimm-Smith, who was  
instructing army troops in Dubai, was shocked to get the  
call from his son and raised the alarm with the British  
coastguard. It is not the first time people in trouble on  
the seas have made long-distance calls on the cellphone to  
raise the alarm. In February a British woman sent an SOS  
text message to her boyfriend in England after becoming  
stranded at sea on a boat off the coast of Indonesia.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Child's Toy Saves the Day

ENGLAND - As a couple walked on Hampstead Heath, their car  
was broken into and several valuables, including their house  
keys, were stolen. Deciding to take matters in their own  
hands, Coral and Steve Pearce returned to the crime scene  
with their son's toy metal detector. Amazingly, they un-  
covered many items such as three stolen wallets, two purses,  
a make-up bag, a ring box and collection of credit cards.  
Unfortunately, they did not find their own items. Mrs. Pearce  
told a London paper, "We were absolutely shocked and shaken  
up when we saw the car had been broken into. We reported it  
to the police, but they didn't seem that interested." Never  
fear, the toy metal detector is here!    


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**** HEALTH NEWS ****

GENES AFFECTING BLOOD PRESSURE CHANGE  
  
AUGUSTA, Ga., -- As children transform into adults some of  
the genes involved in controlling their blood pressure  
change as well, a U.S. study found. The study of 500 black  
and white identical and fraternal twins showed that changes  
in gene expression between ages 14 and 18 accounted for up  
to one third of the blood pressure variation that occurred  
by age 18, said Dr. Harold Snieder, genetic epidemiologist  
at the Medical College of Georgia. "We know this is a  
period of great change, between 14 and 18 years of age, as  
children are growing, hormones are raging and the stability  
of adulthood has not yet been reached," said Snieder. Those  
factors prompted Snieder and his colleagues to look at what  
happens to blood pressure and related hemodynamics -- such  
as heart rate and how much blood the heart pumps with each  
beat -- near the beginning and end of the biologically  
tumultuous times. The findings were presented at the 64th  
Annual Scientific Conference of the American Psychosomatic  
Society in Denver. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
   
PROBIOTICS MAY HELP PREVENT OBESITY  

ANN ARBOR, Mich., -- A University of Michigan scientist  
says microbes living in people's digestive tracts may  
stimulate a healthy immune system. Gary Huffnagle of the  
University of Michigan Health System says probiotic  
bacteria may even be a key to understanding obesity.  
Huffnagle said good microbes work with the body's immune  
system to keep the bad microbes at bay by crowding them  
out. Probiotics are found in dairy foods such as cheeses  
and yogurt. Agriculture experts have found that sick  
livestock gained weight when dosed with antibiotics,  
leading to the industry practice of routinely rotating  
various low-dose antibiotics in livestock feed, Huffnagle  
said. "We take the antibiotics to recover from a microbial  
illness, but the trade-off is that fat we eat may be stay-  
ing with us instead of being metabolized and converted to  
energy," Huffnagle said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

STUDY: CANCER VICTIMS HELPED BY INTERNET  
  
PHILADELPHIA, -- Temple University scientists say they've  
found newly diagnosed cancer patients who use the Internet  
to gain information are more active in their treatment.  
"This is the first study to look at the relationship be-  
tween Internet use and patient behaviors," said principal  
investigator and public health professor Sarah Bass. "We  
wanted to see if access to readily available information  
about their condition helped patients to cope with issues  
such as hair loss and other treatment side effects." For  
the study, the Philadelphia researchers recruited 442  
patients who called a toll free National Cancer Institute  
number to ask questions about the disease. The survey un-  
covered strong parallels between Internet use and patients'  
feelings about their treatment. Those using the Internet  
-- or receiving Internet information from family or friends  
-- were more likely to view their relationship with their  
physicians as a partnership, and were more comfortable ask-  
ing questions and challenging treatment alternatives. The  
research appears in the March issue of the Journal of  
Health Communication.  


**** ON THIS DAY ****

A story well worth rerunning!!!
A Story To Live By

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and
lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a
slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the
slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of
lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still
attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at
least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a
special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the
slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were
taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for
a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't
ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is
a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that
followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores
that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane
returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's
family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or
heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without
realizing that they were special. I'm still thinking about his
words, and they've changed my life.

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and
admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.

I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in
committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of
experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these
moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for
every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink
unstopped, the first camellia blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is
if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of
groceries without wincing.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in
hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as
well as my party-going friends'.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my
vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see
and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done
had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take
for granted.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I
knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good
friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because
I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of
these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and
daughter often enough how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything
that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning
when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day,
every minute, every breath truly is... a gift from God.

[ by: Ann Wells, Los Angeles Times
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
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&
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Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
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Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
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Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Speed wants quick start

American rookie driver sees Formula One points on horizon.

Story

Drivers back at it

NASCAR team reports as teams turn attention to Las Vegas.

Story

Hall of Fame appeal denied

NASCAR penalties levied against Labonte's team upheld.

Story