|
From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers
Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it
is to get wiser
MONDAY MARCH 13,2006
THOUGHT FOR
TODAY:Nostalgia is like a grammar
lesson. You find the
present tense, and the past perfect.
My friend
Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her
cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend
my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied
compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite
of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My
granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend
her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
And my friend
happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.
Ten years passed. Ada
visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously.
One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have
another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's
bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my
granddaughter's wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just
celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new
mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year
guarantee..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fascinated by her new
pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and night. The cat soon became
exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to sleep. Comforted by the warmth,
the animal began to purr. Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. "Mommy, Mommy,
come quickly! The kitty's beginning to
boil!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the new patient was
settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start
at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the
beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my husband, Paul,
called from work one day to say he didn't feel well, I paid attention. He never
got sick, not even a common cold. The symptoms seemed like food poisoning, but
Paul said all he'd eaten that day was a sandwich from the cafeteria at work, and
it had tasted fine.
The next day he came home from work early and went
straight to bed. I asked again if he knew why the symptoms came on so suddenly.
"Well," he said, "some of my colleagues went to the cafeteria to check out what
I ate yesterday."
"And what was the result?" I asked.
Paul looked
up from his sickbed and sheepishly said: "When I went to the cafeteria in mid
afternoon, the regular staff wasn't there, so I grabbed the first thing I saw.
It seems my meal had been sitting there for days. I ate the display sandwich."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the
beginning of the new ball season, I noticed that my friend's teenage son was
playing for the opposing slow-pitch team. I asked Marilyn why her son no longer
played on the same team as the rest of the family. "Oh," she replied, "I guess
he thought it was time to strike out on his own." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I told the son of a friend
whose wake I was attending that I had some food I wanted to leave with him. He
gave me the keys to his car, which was parked directly in front of the funeral
home. I unlocked the door, left the food and pushed the button to lock the door
again. But the horn started to blast, and although I pushed all the buttons I
could see, it continued honking relentlessly. Finally, Edward
appeared.
"Mother always wanted a lot of fanfare when she departed," he
smiled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaker to an audience of
doctors. This is the first time I have ever addressed an audience of doctors, so
I've tried to do some of the things my mother told me before going to the
doctor. Put on clean underwear.....try to look poor....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, Doug was playing ball in
the house, which was strictly against the rules, and he accidentally broke a
vase in the living room. "Oh, no, my mom's gonna kill me!", he thought
desperately. He frantically tried to fix it, any way he could. But tape, glue,
even Superglue wouldn't hold all the shards together. He finally left the pieces
in a pile on the table, and went to hide in his room.
Soon, his mother
came home, and he heard her calling him. "Doug, do you know who broke my vase?
It's in here all in pieces!"
Doug tried to drum up his courage, but at
the last minute, he found himself answering, "No, Mom, I don't know."
He
cringed, waiting for her answer. "That's funny," she said, appearing at his
door. "I wanted to thank whoever it was. I've never liked that ugly thing, and
if it had not been a gift from your daddy's mom, I would have broken it myself
years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over
his
body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill
of
health. "Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But
I'm
not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.
"Who
asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get
older!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's husband
asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day. She
thought for a moment and
said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash
for a change." The following day
her husband filled her request. He put
$20 in nickels, dimes and quarters
into a quart jar, then filled it with
water and placed it in the freezer. On
Mother's Day, he handed his wife
a solidly frozen bottle of
change.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jeff was married
and a philanderer. A friend finally took him to task.
"When you run around
with other women, doesn't your conscience bother
you?" "Yes, for a certain
length of time...and then if I don't hear from
their lawyers, I feel
better."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 Women Arriving In Heaven
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly
gates and
are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman: I froze to
death.
2nd
woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.
After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally
died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a
massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early
to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st
woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure
there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't
look in the freezer -- we'd both still be
alive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A serious drunk
walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only
woman
seated at the bar, walked over to her and
kissed her.
She
jumped up and slapped him silly. He
immediately apologized and
explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You
look exactly like
her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched,
no good drunk!" she
screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound
exactly like
her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After waiting more than an
hour and a half
for her date, the young lady decided she
had been stood
up. She changed from
her dinner dress into pajamas and
slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself
to an evening of
TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front
of the TV than her
doorbell rang. There
stood her date.
He took one look at her and
gasped, "I'm
two hours late . . . and you're still not
ready?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a terrible bus
accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the
accident except a monkey which
was on board and there were no witnesses.
The police try to investigate
further but they get no results. At last,
they try to interrogate the monkey.
The monkey seems to respond to their
questions with gestures. Seeing that,
they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the
people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning
manner and starts dancing
around; meaning the people were dancing and having
fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The
monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding
a
bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief
continues,
"Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his
head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning
they were
talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great
time,
who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully
swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a
wheel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor was doing his
children's sermon bringing
all the youngsters down front to hear the
lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He began by quoting the
scriptures from Jonah 1
and 2 "And the Lord appointed a great fish
to
swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of
the fish three days and
three nights. Then Jonah
prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of
the
fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my
distress and He answered
me.' ... and the Lord
spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon
the
dry land" (Jonah 117; 22, 10). When the
pastor finished the quotation,
he began
soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help
him complete this
sermon.
He asked, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out
on dry land
indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great
enthusiasm,
and loud enough for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves that even a
fish
can't stomach a bad
preacher!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Census Taker: "How many
children do you have?"
Woman:
"
Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names,
please?"
Woman:
"Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census
Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask
why
you named your fourth child
George?"
Woman:
"Because we didn't want any Moe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man was on his way home with a new car, which was
absorbing all his
attention, when it struck him that he had
forgotten something.
Twice
he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his
pockets, but finally decided he
had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached
home his daughter ran out, stopped
short, and cried: "Daddy, where's
Mommy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A tour bus driver is
driving with a bus load
of
seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady.
She offers him a handful of
peanuts,
which
he gratefully munches up.
After
about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She
repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is
about to hand him another batch again
he asks
the little old lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled
driver asks,
"Why do
you buy them then?"
The old lady
replied,
"We just love the chocolate around
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their 40th wedding anniversary
and during the
banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his
friends a
brief account of the benefits of a
marriage of such long duration.
"Tell
us Tom, just what is it you have learned
from all those wonderful years with
your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage
is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you
loyalty, forbearance, meekness,
self-restraint,
forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities
you
wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****
Quickies ****
In order to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush
has
bombed the Canary Islands.
~
You'll find a big difference between
people who pray in church and
those people who
pray in casinos...because the ones praying in the
casinos
are very serious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days before Susan's 45th birthday her husband
asked her,
"Dear,
what would you like for your present?"
"I really don't think I
should say," came her reply.
"How about a diamond ring?" asked the
husband.
"I don't care much for diamonds," said Susan.
"Well, then, a mink
coat?" asked the husband.
"You know I do not approve of furs," said
Susan.
"A golden necklace?" asked the husband
"I already have three of
them!" exclaimed Susan.
"Well, gosh," said the frustrated husband, "What DO
do you want?"
"What I'd really like is a divorce," answered Susan.
"But I
wasn't planning on spending that much!" said the
husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age
in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years
to the age of their best friend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After suffering through years of his wife's godawful coffee, the man spit
it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's
desk, the man growled, " Here they are!" "Here are what?" the startled lawyer
asked. "Grounds for divorce."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Modern artists sign
their names at the bottoms of paintings so that we'll know how to hang
them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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**** ON THIS DAY
****
"A Woman"
This is written in the Hebrew
Talmud, the book
where all of the sayings and preaching of
Rabbis are
conserved over time.
It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not
from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from
the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to
be loved."
Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know..
and
to men to know the value of a
woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Puppy Size
"Danielle keeps
repeating it over and over again. We've been back to
this animal shelter at
least five times. It has been weeks now since
we started all of this," the
mother tol d the volunteer. B>
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the
volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we
have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know...we
have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration..
Just then
Danielle came walking into the office.
"Well, did you fin d one?" asked
her mom. "No, not this time,"
Danielle said with sdess in her voice. "Can we
come back on the
weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook
their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs.
Unfortunately, there's
always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't
worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days
both mom and dad had long conversations with
her. They both felt she was
being too particular. "It's this weekend
or we're not looking any more," Dad
finally sa id in
frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about
puppy size
either," Mom added. /FONT>
Sure enough, they were the
first ones in the shelter on Saturda y
morning. By now Danielle knew her way
around, so she ran right for
the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired
of the routine, mom
sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first
row of cages.
There was an observation window so you could see the
animals during
times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly
from
cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by
one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she
said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last
day
in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door
and the
child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This
time she took a
little longer. "Mom, that's it! fond the right
puppy! He's the one! I know
it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the
puppy size!"
"But it's the
same size as all the other puppies you held over the
last few weeks," Mom
said.
"No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he
sighed,"
she said.
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day
what love is, you told
me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more
you love, the
bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a
moment. Mom didn't know
whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug
the child, she
did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I
sigh. When you and Daddy come home
from work and hug each other, you both
sigh. I knew I would find the
right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my
arms," she said. Then
holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom,
he loves me.
I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a
moment and think about the love that makes you
sigh. I not only find it in
the arms of my loved ones, but in the
caress of a sunset, the kiss of the
moonlight and the gentle brush
of cool air on a hot day.
They are
the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you
will be surprised at
what you hear. "Life is not measured by the
breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away
**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for FREE virus
protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on
"donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't
cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of
daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for
advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link
for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject
Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
Johnson's winning deal
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Alonso rules Bahrain GP |
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Defending champ bests Schumacher in Formula One
opener. |
|
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|
Kahne smokes Busch field |
|
Wins shootout with Kenseth and Harvick. |
|
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Speed wants quick start |
|
American rookie driver sees Formula One points on
horizon. |
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**** COUNTRY
CALANDER ****
Bill Nettles,
songwriter/recording artist, born Natchitoches, LA 1903.
Maybelle & Ezra
Carter were married 1926.
Liz Anderson
born, ???Elizabeth Jane Haaby,??? Roseau, MN
1930.
Jan Howard born ???Lula Grace Johnson,??? West Plains, MO 1930.
Michael Martin
Murphy born Dallas, TX 1945.
Elvis Presley??™s
first album ???Elvis Presley??? was released
1956.
****
COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
The Dixie Chicks announced Friday they will
release their fifth album, "Taking the Long Way," in late May with Rick Rubin
producing and the Chicks writing all 14 songs.
A tour is expected to start
this summer.
A press release said the songs would delve into "deeply private
and resoundingly political" subjects. Songs look at small-town narrow-mindedness
("Lubbock or Leave It") and the psychology of celebrity ("Everybody
Knows").
It was the group's forays into politics -specifically Natalie
Maines' comment while in London against President Bush - that got the trio into
hot water with the country community with some radio stations refusing to play
their songs.
"Everything felt more personal this time," said lead singer
Natalie Maines. "I go back to songs we've done in the past and there's just more
maturity, depth, intelligence on these. They just feel more grown-up."
The
uproar over those comments is the jumping off point for the lead-off track, "Not
Ready to Make Nice." "The stakes were definitely higher on that song," says
Emily Robison. "We knew it was special because it was so autobiographical, and
we had to get it right. And once we had that song done, it freed us up to do the
rest of the album without that burden."
"Silent House" examines the emotions
that come from watching an older relative struggle with Alzheimer's. "It's So
Hard When It Doesn't Come Easy" addresses infertility, an issue that both Martie
Maguire and Robison have faced. The Chicks debuted the gospel-inflected "I
Hope," co-written with Keb' Mo', during last year's telethon benefiting the
victims of Hurricane Katrina; the album version features a guitar solo by John
Mayer.
Rubin assembled a band including Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad
Smith, session player Larry Knechtel, and Heartbreakers Benmont Tench and Mike
Campbell.
Rubin also matched the Chicks with co-writers including Dan Wilson
(who wound up collaborating on six of the songs), Pete Yorn, and Gary Louris of
The Jayhawks.
A Southern California vibe is said to inform the songs with
inspiratin provided by The Eagles, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and the
Mamas and the Papas.
The Chicks released "Wide Open Spaces" in 1998 and "Fly"
the following year. "Home" was out in 2002, followed by "Top of the World:
Live."
"This album was total therapy," says Maines of the new music. "I'm way
more at peace now. Writing these songs and saying everything we had to say makes
it possible to move on."
* * * * * * *
Alan Jackson and Kenny Chesney were atop the
Billboard album and song chart for the week ending March 13. Jackson's "Precious
Moments" took over the album chart lead from Carrie Underwood's longstanding
number one, "Some Hearts," which fell to third.
Chesney's "Living in Fast
Forward" moved up from third to first on the song chart with former number one
"Your Man" by Josh Turner dropping to second.
Rascal Flatts was up one to
third with "What Hurts the Most" on the song chart, while Keith Urban's "Tonight
I Wanna Cry" moved up one to fourth. Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going"
with Dolly Parton was down three spots to fifth.
The biggest movers in the
top 25 were Faith Hill's "The Lucky One" and George Strait's "The Seashores of
Old Mexico," both up 4, to 22nd and 25th respectively.
On the album chart,
"The Legend of Johnny Cash" was up one to second. The "Walk the Line" soundtrack
leaped from 11 to 4th mainly due to it being Oscars week. Turner's "Your Man"
slipped three spots to fifth.
Hank Williams III debuted in 17th with
"Straight to Hell." Cash had another album on the charts with late wife June
Carter Cash, "16 Biggest Hits," in 26th.
Shannon Brown debuted in 34th with
"Corn Fed."
On the overall top 200, Jackson was 4th, Cash 6th, Underwood 8th,
Walk the Line 11th, up 34 spots, and Turner 16th.
* * * * * * *
Brad Paisley led the nominees for the 41st
annual Academy of Country Music with six, including male vocalist and single
record of the year. "When I Get Where I'm Going," his song with Dolly Parton,
was responsible for three nominations.
Sugarland and Brooks & Dunn earned
five apiece with Sugarland singer Jennifer Nettles earning one on her own for
vocal event of the year.
Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwood, who both
announced the nominations Wednesday, captured four each.
The biggest
category, entertainer of the year, eluded Paisley. Those nominated included
Brooks & Dunn, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Rascal Flatts, Keith
Urban.
Other nominees were:
Top Male Vocalist: Dierks Bentley, Kenny
Chesney, Brad Paisley, George Strait, Keith Urban.
Top Female Vocalist: Sara
Evans, Martina McBride, Carrie Underwood, Gretchen Wilson, Lee Ann Womack.
Top Vocal Group: Alabama, Little Big Town, Lonestar, Rascal Flatts,
Sugarland.
Top Vocal Duo: Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Montgomery
Gentry, Van Zant, The Warren Brothers.
Top New Male Vocalist: Jason Aldean,
Billy Currington, Craig Morgan.
Top New Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert,
Julie Roberts, Carrie Underwood.
Top New Duo or Group: Big & Rich,
Little Big Town, Sugarland.
Album of the Year: "Feels Like Today," Rascal
Flatts; "There's More Where That Came From," Lee Ann Womack; "Time Well Wasted,"
Brad Paisley; "Tough All Over," Gary Allan; "Twice the Speed of Life,"
Sugarland.
Single Record of the Year (awarded to artist, producer, record
company): "Alcohol," Brad Paisley; "Baby Girl," Sugarland; "Believe," Brooks
& Dunn; "Best I Ever Had," Gary Allan; "Jesus, Take the Wheel," Carrie
Underwood.
Song of the Year (awarded to composer, publisher, artist): "Baby
Girl," Sugarland; "Believe," Brooks & Dunn; "Jesus, Take the Wheel," Carrie
Underwood; "Skin (Sarabeth)," Rascal Flatts; "When I Get Where I'm Going," Brad
Paisley and Dolly Parton.
Video of the Year: "As Good I Once Was," Toby
Keith; "Believe," Brooks & Dunn; "I May Hate Myself in the Morning," Lee Ann
Womack; "Kerosene," Miranda Lambert; "When I Get Where I'm Going," Brad Paisley
and Dolly Parton.
Vocal Event of the Year: "I Play Chicken With the Train,"
Cowboy Troy and Big & Rich; "Like We Never Loved at All," Faith Hill with
Tim McGraw; "When I Get Where I'm Going," Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton; "Who
Says You Can't Go Home," Jennifer Nettles and Bon Jovi.
The awards will be
handed out May 23 in Las Vegas.
* * * * * * *
Alan Jackson began his gospel project, "Precious
Memories," as a private Christmas gift for his mother, but the end result is the
number one country album on the Billboard chart when it is released
Thursday.
Jackson displaced Carrie Underwood, who had a stranglehold on the
chart with her debut, "Some Hearts."
Encouragement from family, friends, and
his record label (Arista) persuaded Jackson to make the album available for
general release. The disc had first-week sales of 107,218 units. The disc also
topped Billboard's Top Christian Albums and Top Christian & Gospel Albums,
and was number 4 on the all-genre Billboard 200 sales chart.
"Precious
Memories" became the first gospel recording to debut at number one on Top
Country Albums and was the first country artist in history to debut an album of
all-spiritual material atop the Christian Albums and the Top Christian &
Gospel Albums charts. He also, of course, was the first artist ever to top all
three charts at once.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Pineapple Bread
2 eggs
1/2 cup melted butter
1 cup white sugar
1 cup crushed
pineapple with juice
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose
flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon
salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175
degrees C). Grease one 9x5x3 inch
loaf pan. Beat eggs slightly. Add butter
and sugar. Beat smooth. Stir in
pineapple and vanilla. In separate bowl put
flour, baking powder, soda,
salt, and walnuts. Stir well and pour into
pineapple mixture. Stir to
moisten. Pour into greased 9x5x3 inch loaf
pan.
Bake in 350 degree F (175 degree C) oven for 1 hour. Test
with
toothpick. Let stand 10 minutes. Remove from pan. Cool and wrap. Makes
1
Loaf
Elizabeth in Maryland
POTATO
PANCAKES
1 egg
1 cup cold
mashed potatoes
1/2 cup milk
2 tablespoons oil
2 cups
Bisquick
Fry in lightly greased skillet. Can serve with grilled franks
or
grillers.
Bette~Indiana
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
Once, twice, thrice...what comes
next?
85668/124325_f123.jpg
/6/02/f123.jpg"
align=right border=0> That's fierce. To research and answer that is. Apparently
we can't do it more than three times. You'll just have to use "four times,"
"five times," and so on for anything more than thrice. It's somewhat analogous
to the ordinals, first, second and even third, are separate distinct words, the
rest just add 'th';fourth, fifth, thousandth, gazillionth. What would four times
be? Force? But the vowels in two and three got changed to "I" so firce? ( The
words actually used to be the number with 'se' added, onese, twose, threese, but
they morphed into easier things to get ones tongue and pence... uh, pen around.
( Besides onses, twose, etc. could easily be confused with the stages involved
in playing jacks.) So fourse? And how would we pronounce sixce. Its all a farce
, it makes me tense just to think about. It wasn't very nince of you to cause me
such head eightce.
****A PARTING THOUGHT
****
Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins
with Dad
saying, "I know a shortcut."
TOON
TIME
Comix Business
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030811.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030811.htm
"> Here!</a>
Comix Bound
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030810.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030810.htm
"> Here!</a>
Comix Bleachers
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030809.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030809.htm
"> Here!</a>
C'mon, it's just a
pothole...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1276.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1276.html">Here!</a>
Cockroach
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030808.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030808.htm
"> Here!</a>
Casket
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030806.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030806.htm
"> Here!</a>
Clean
http://www.buffaloschips.com/030807.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffaloschips.com/030807.htm
"> Here!</a>
No complaints from them
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1277.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1277.html">Here!</a>
Taxes
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22726.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22726.htm
"> Here!</a>
AHhhh..
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22290.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22290.htm
"> Here!</a>
Life In motion
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22289.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22289.htm
"> Here!</a>
New packing methods?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1301.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1301.html">Here!</a>
hances
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22748.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22748.htm
"> Here!</a>
Fool..
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22747.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22747.htm
"> Here!</a>
Spare Me
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22746.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22746.htm
"> Here!</a>
Captain!!
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22745.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22745.htm
"> Here!</a>
Big Snake
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22743.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22743.htm
"> Here!</a>
Brave Fart
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22744.htm
<a
href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22744.htm
"> Here!</a>
Pampered?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1302.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1302.html">Here!</a>
LAST CALL Y'ALL
Why we
don't steal pickup trucks (taken from the South Dakota Magazine)
Horses maybe, and money and Mercedes, but a real South Dakotan
won't
touch another man's pickup, and here are a few of the reasons
why.
South Dakota trucks have a range of 20 miles
before they overheat,
breakdown or run out of gas
Only the owner knows how to operate the door
It's
difficult to escape quickly with all the fencing tools, grease
rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and paperwork in the cab
Smoke
coming up through the rusted floorboard clouds your vision
The Border Collie on the toolbox seems mean
They're too easy for troopers to spot: "ten-four, the driver's side
is
red, the passenger door is green and the right fender is
yellow."
The large round bale in the back hurts your
visability
when you're being chased
It's hard to commit a crime with
everyone waving at you
That's all
folks
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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