On election eve, 1948, Thomas Dewey (who, according to polls, was poised to defeat Harry Truman for the presidency) turned to his wife and asked: "How will it be to sleep with the President of the United States?" "A high honor," she replied, "and quite frankly, darling, I'm looking forward to it." On the following morning, news arrived of the election results: Incredibly, Truman had won! (Polls which canvased opinion by telephone, then a costly amenity, naturally suffered from adverse selection and yielded inaccurate results.)

Eventually, the Deweys sat down for breakfast: "Tell me, Tom," Mrs. Dewey said with a smile, "am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My younger sister and I are both fond of gardening. One evening we were digging up some black cherry tree seedlings in our parents' yard to transplant in our own yards. As we came upon a seedling larger than the rest, my sister said: "You go ahead and take that one. You don't have as much time left as I do to watch it grow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said.

When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.

"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As one antique dealer admitted to another, theirs was a strange way of making a living. "In what other business," she asked, "do grandparents buy something, parents sell it, and children buy it again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my wife and I were out driving one evening, I noticed a sports shoe in the middle of the crosswalk at the light where we stopped. My wife said it had been there when she had driven by a few hours earlier. "Obviously," I couldn't resist saying, "it's not a running shoe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our church group had organized a workshop on "Raising Your Self- Esteem." In preparation, I made signs to direct participants to the correct meeting room. As I taped a notice to the front door of the church, another organizer stopped me. "Is that sign really appropriate?" he asked. It read SELF-ESTEEM WORKSHOP REGISTRANTS USE BACK DOOR.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On my way to a store in another city with my three young children in the car, I got lost. The children were becoming restless and finally I begged: "Kids, please behave. Isn't it bad enough that I'm lost?" Five-year-old Walter then directed all his attention to helping me find my way. Suddenly his face lit up. "Mom, look, we're not lost. There's a McDonald's!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't want the romance of our relationship marred by the image of me sweating over a steaming sink, which is why I always retire to the living room to read while he cleans up. Think ahead, ladies. Your relationship is too important to mess with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly patient of mine told me she had difficulty recalling the names of the bewildering number of doctors participating in her care. I suggested for my name she remember Remington electric shavers. "Oh, no! Those are much too modern for me!" She exclaimed. "I'll think of Remington typewriters instead." And she said she'd share this memory-trigger device with her husband, who also had trouble remembering my name.

Later that day I was passing her room with a group of medical students and saw her husband. When he called me, I stopped. One of the students looked at me curiously. "How did you know he wanted to talk to you?" He asked. "He was calling for Dr. Underwood." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know why everyone hates going to the dentist. Me, I don't mind it at all. I march right in there and look the receptionist right in the eyes and say, I'm here to get my teeth worked on. Then I lay them on the counter and say give me a call when they're ready and I'll be back to pick them up. Before though, that was a different story. I'd go in right at my appoitment time. and huddle over in a corner thinking maybe she won't see me. But she always did. She called my name and I'd go in back to the torture chamber. She'd tell me to have a seat in the chair and then I'd be there another thirty minutes staring at the tools of pain. Finally in he would walk (I swear he looked like Egor, Frankenstein's assistant). Any way he comes over and says OK, Open wide for me, wider, come on wider, hell Doc my jaws are attached , that's open as far as it will go. Then he has to make me out a liar and inserts a "bumper jack" and pry them waaaaaaay open. So I'm sitting there and he's drilling and doing God knows what and he decides he wants to talk and ask me questions. And I say, AHG Yar bdje hujcw. All the while I've got this suction hose hanging out the corner of my mouth. It making all these sucking noises and then it sluurrrp, grabs the inside of my cheek. All the while he's still drilling and filling and the back of my throat is filling up with all this goop and saliva. I don't want to swallow that stuff even if I could. He finaaly notices that my mouth is starting to over flow and he prys the hose loose from my check and moves it to the back of my throat. Now I have a big blood blister on my cheek. The hose is doing a good job of getting rid of the mess but now I begin to worry because it feels like it sucking my breakfast out now and I pray it don't go any deeper. Any way it's finally over and I make my way out of the building with my mouth still out of joint and wide open like this ( ). I get to the corner and have to stop for a red light and that's when every one passing by starts throwing trash in, thinking I'm a trash can. I finally make it home and pass out on the sofa where I should have never left. Yep, I love my store bought teeth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they
came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches.
They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name
of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting
their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you
settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple were returning home after having
dined at a restaurant.
The man was driving and the wife was doing a slow
burn. Finally she said to her husband, "When we were
first married we used to sit much closer than this."
 
The husband curtly replied, "Well, I haven't moved."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The West Nile Virus has reached Southern California. Doctors say the
symptoms are lethargy and loss of coordination. Health teams will check
out the elderly, the poor, and the Dodgers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth on vacation.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not.  But once
when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf
and said, "This is costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a
book!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Didja hear the new California quarter's reverse side features a bear, a
miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies? The engraving depicts the bear
observing the miner as he cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made
after smoking a distillate of the poppies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill's car was involved in three minor accidents over
several years.
Each time she had a different part of the car
repaired. 
The last time, she asked what it would cost to repaint
the front end---the only portion not yet touched.
 
The mechanic suggested, "Why don't you just paint a
bull's eye on it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 

  "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. 

  "How do you know that?" 

  "Easy," the little boy said. 

  "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 

  4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~