**** JOKE TIME ****

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about
the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What
did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us
what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I bet I know what
He said! He probably said, 'Ta-dah!'"
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when
he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recog-
nizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable,
so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's
used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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My Irish setter, Kelly, accompanied my friend and me cross-country skiing. Because there was traffic on a road alongside one trail, I leashed Kelly, tucked my poles under my left arm and held on to her with my right hand. I climbed up the hill, with Kelly giving me a pull. When we reached the top, a stranger at the bottom hailed me. "Can you send the dog back down, please?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Why I didn't listen to Mother, I'll never know!" screamed Mrs. Shooter. "She told me not to marry you!"
Mr. Shooter put down the book he was about to throw. "Your mother said that?"
"She did!"
"Damn," Shooter said. "How I've misjudged that woman all these years!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I noticed a hand-painted gold-and-burgundy brandy snifter at my in- laws where we were celebrating their wedding anniversary. My father-in-law explained that it had been a wedding gift from Ireland they had received 50 years earlier.

My brother-in-law picked it up and passed it around the dinner table. My heart was in my mouth as it went from one person to another because my in-laws seemed to habitually drop and break things. Finally it reached me and I put it back on the display case. How had this fragile keepsake lasted so long in this family, I wondered aloud. "It's the last of a set of eight," my father-in- law replied casually.
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu, US President GW. Bush ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.
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We depended on our sharp-eyed eleven-year-old nephew to read the street signs while we were visiting Ireland. The bilingual ones, however, could prove challenging. Once, in Dublin, Mike's dad said, "Quick, Mike, what's the street coming up?" "Gee, Dad," he said, "I can't read garlic." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a trip back to Ireland to visit her parents, my wife decided to take the local train to Dublin from the town of Bray. Kate arrived at the station a few minutes after the hour and assumed she had missed the 1:00 p.m. train, but was pleasantly surprised to see it still at the station when she rounded the corner. At the ticket counter, the two agents were engaged in animated conversation at the back and ignored her presence at the window. By the time one of them reluctantly turned to her, the train was leaving. Angry at being ignored, Kate told him that she could have caught the train if they had been more concerned with customer service. The attendant looked at her in some surprise and replied: "Sure, I don't understand your problem. If the train had left on time, you would have missed it anyway." 
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"I can't do anything for your sickness. It's hereditary."

"Well, then send the bill to my father."
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A tearful child called home from camp. "Are you homesick?" asked his mother. "No, I'm heresick," sobbed the child.
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There's one sad truth in life I've found. The only folks we really wound are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, we please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best
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The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!"

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you to a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come, Mama."

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."
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"Did you folks see 'The Sopranos' last night? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode. Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA" --David Letterman
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"In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat." --Jay Leno
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Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
 
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest
opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you
actually ever tasted it?"