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From Carlisle
,Indiana U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies
"Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us." These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended
for younger readers - PG
Welcome New
Subscribers Anyone without a sense
of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get older than it
is to get wiser

TUESDAY MARCH 21,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: What is the definition of a irreconcilable differences? When she's
melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a
bullet.
After many years of trying, the
Russian family was finally able to bring grandpa to America to
live with them. The old gentleman could only speak
Russian.
Each day when the family members were at work
grandpa would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the
children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along.
So that he would be able to get a little something to eat
they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."
Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool at
the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."
This worked well for him until one day he decided that he
just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family
taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."
He went to the
park the next day looking forward to being able to order a ham
sandwich in stead of apple pie. Smiling to himself he climbed
onto the stool at the counter and waited his turn.
When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said,
"Ham sandwich, coke."
To which the counterman asked,
"White or rye?"
The old man replied, "Um, apple pie,
coffee." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of our clients
brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a
veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's
office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those
large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she
friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had
five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she
get?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two guys go
hunting. Junior has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Kentucky woods, Joe tells Junior to sit by a
tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer
stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears
a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I
told you to be quiet!" Junior says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.
When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear
was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two
chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or
eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An
old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I
gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did
you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed
three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he
asks. "I could understand six, but..."
"What do you think," says the
rabbi, "that I do this for free?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was
bringing in a C-5 on GCA one bad night and several times warned the pilot
immediate traffic on his six, (behind him) at the same altitude and speed
while trying to contact the other aircraft, just knowing that there is going
to be a mid-air crash on my watch. Many possible scenarios passed through my
mind as to why the second aircraft was following my instructions so
perfectly, while trying to get the two separated to a safe distance. My
supervisor, hearing that I am having a problem has just plugged into my radio
when the pilot of the 5A comes back with, " Control, with all due respect, I
think the second aircraft is my tail." As my supervisor broke out laughing, I
realized that I had boo-booed, but didn't know how, just that it was very
embarrassing. I was astounded when the next day, I was shown a C-5A on the
parking ramp and found out just how "Big" that sucker
is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO: The Honorable
Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed
Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $10,000 from the
government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest
part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many
hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for
not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan
to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs
not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford
an airplane.
Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for
not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that, too. In view of
these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and
plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my
vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours, A soon to be
Gentleman Farmer
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to
distribute more free cheese? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Panicking when
her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister Betty rushed him to the
emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet
should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?"
she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on
the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll
know." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As a woman was nursing her
baby, her cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never
having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what was going on.
After mulling over the
woman's answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think
she knows how to use them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the
mother returned from the grocery store, her son pulled out the box of animal
crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all
over the kitchen counter "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says
you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking
for the seal." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How did the wedding go?" asked
the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and
she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then
things really began to happen fast." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did
you hear about that Canadian team that was trying to introduce a new winter
sport whereby you essentially play shuffleboard with frozen rabbits? Yep,
it's a story that'll curl your hare. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The
Census Bureau said the birth rate in the United States reached an all-time
low this past year.
It's believed to be another side effect of
Viagra.
it seems more women are running off with older men who have
higher bank balances and lower sperm
counts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men were working at
the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell
in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around
trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you
doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking
for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was
searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The
first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had
a pencil behind
it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Everybody's excited
about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts
at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating."
--David Letterman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "They said on the news
tonight that U.S. spy satellites are being used to track infected birds with
the bird flu. Well, they worked so well in the hunt for Osama bin Laden."
--Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pentagon records show that
at least 8,000 members of the all- volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since
the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina
Fey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this fellow from West
Virginia who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped
out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers,
and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied
the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and
went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I
have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the
flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put
flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it
neither." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this guy who
was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself
to buy one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An older man walks
into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a
sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to
marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll
give you a hundred sovereigns!"
At first there was nothing but
silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a
daughter about 80?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John
meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?" John says, "I received a party
invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got
there, everyone was wearing suits too!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
politician was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He
reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to
him.
The fish started writhing in agony and, to the
politician's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll
grant you three wishes."
"Any three wishes, huh?" the guy mused as
visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women
paraded through his head.
"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five
wishes and I'll throw you back."
"Sorry," the fish answered while
struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
The politician's pride was
at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "Just what do
you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
"Only three,"
the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of
accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra
wish.
Finally, he decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in
the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win this time, three
wishes."
Unfortunately, the fish was
dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While I was attending a
law course, the 'Audiatur et altera pars' rule was explained to us.
Translated it means, "Also the other party has to be heard." After discussing
the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand
the rule. From the auditorium a man shouted, "My
wife!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A week earlier my son, Barry, who
attends high school, had been shopping for sneakers. After spending considerable
time in one store, he found a very expensive pair he liked, but he didn't have
enough money with him to buy them. Now he and I were back at the same store. As
we entered, the salesman obviously recognized him and said, "Oh, you've got the
cash now?"
"No," Barry answered. "I've brought my banker."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My friend and I were discussing
where on our bodies would be the best place to apply the weight-loss patch we
were trying. Her husband, who overheard our conversation, suggested, "Your
mouths." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the riding school I ran, getting
12 rambunctious ten- to 14- year-old girls and ten horses and ponies to a horse
show could be difficult, and everyone had a job to do. Several girls were in
charge of the multitude of saddles, bridles, saddle pads and sundry pieces of
equipment. Then came the checklists. Despite our best efforts, never a Sunday
went by without the cry "I forgot the...."
Turning a truck and trailer
around on country roads to retrieve the forgotten item is tricky, and this
Saturday I was determined to be perfect. We checked the lists twice. But just
after we started out, I heard, "We forgot the..."
In exasperation I
interrupted, "Whoever forgot it will not go today!"
"But you forgot to
load the ponies," they cried. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While
hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge that I thought
was an echo canyon. I shouted "Hello there." But the response sounded to me like
"Hello where?" I tried again. "How do you do?" A moment later the report came
back sounding like, "How do I do what?" Baffled and amused I decided to give it
the ultimate test. "You're not really an echo canyon, are you?" The response
from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions. "Brilliant deduction, Einstein!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****
Quickies ****
Sign at Propane
Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills." ~ My mother is a typical Jewish mother.
Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was
guilty. ~ My doctor told me there are over seven million people who are
overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's
ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
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WHAT'S NEXT In
Nagano, Japan, in February, five disgruntled Buddhist monks (along with four
clerical workers) at the Zenkoji temple formed a labor union that was
certified by the National Confederation of Trade Unions, to combat what they
say was harassment by the head monk regarding working conditions. [Los
Angeles Times, 2-23-06]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CUT
RATE KIDS
The latest product for routine U.S. outsourcing is
sperm, according to a November report by Wired.com. In a program established
by the highly regarded Dr. Sanford Rosenberg of Richmond, Va., a potential
father's sperm is shipped to a lab in Bucharest, Romania, to fertilize eggs
of local women, with the resultant embryos frozen and returned to the United
States for implanting in the mother, at about half the domestic price for the
procedure. [Wired.com News, 11-30-05]
**************************************************** "YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too
tall to fit your legs under the desk!" Have you ever
heard of news as weird as this? Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free
subscription of "Weirdo News" now! ****************************************************
**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID
****
Arsonists' Plan To Ignite Car Blows Up
In Their Faces ENID, Okla. - Two men
incriminated themselves when they accidentally hit the wrong button on a cell
phone and gave 911 dispatchers a detailed account of their plot to set a
vehicle on fire. Emergency dispatchers and a shift super- visor
listened for four hours while the two Enid natives worked out their
plan to steal an acquaintance's car and burn the vehicle up. "They made
some pretty dumb statements," said Enid police Capt. Jim Nivison. "One of the
males said, 'It's gonna burn, will they be able to get fingerprints?' and
'I've got the lighter, Dude. Let's go.'" The two men, Johnny Ray Miller and
Robert A. Patterson, were later jailed on conspiracy
complaints. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fake Money Buys Man A Spot In Jail
PALM BAY,
Fla. - A 23-year-old man obviously had a good evening planned when he stopped
at a Walgreens Drug Store to pick up a pack of condoms and some cologne. Too
bad he tried to make his purchases using a fake $100 bill. The clerk
suspected the bill Christopher Leigh Smith handed over was fake and stalled
him until police arrived. "He told them that he knew it was fake and
that he had gotten it from an unknown man," said spokeswoman
Yvonne Martinez. Unless Smith had planned on a fun night in jail, his date
probably didn't end up so well. He is being held at Brevard County Jail on a
$1,000 bond. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Federal authorities
are hunting for a man and woman they say tried to rob a Naperville, Illinois
bank -- through its drive-up lane.
The pair pulled a SUV into the
drive-through lanes of the bank and sent the teller a note that read, "You
have 10 seconds to fill up the tube with $100's and $50's. No dye packs. Or
I'll shoot everyone in the parking lot," according to police.
The
teller told the bank manager, who locked the bank's doors and called
police.
Cameras caught clear shots of the robbers and photos were sent
to police departments around the area. The couple were charged
in Wednesday's holdup after being recognized by a nearby
sheriff's department. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
California man is suing the city for driving a dump truck into his car. The
strange thing is that he was the city employee driving the truck.
City
officials denied Kurt Gooney's $3,600 claim for the acci- dent because he
was, in essence, suing himself. So he and his wife have decided to file a new
claim under her name.
Mrs. Gooney's claim is for $1,200 more than
Kurt's.
"I'm not as nice as my husband is," she
said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHEESEY
The
story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have been changed
to protect the stupid...
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the
International File. From Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of Bozo
Geraldo Gallo who was arrested for cocaine smuggling. It was our
bozo's method of smuggling that got him into trouble. He was detained at
the airport as he tried to leave the country with a suitcase full of 50
pounds of cheap Bolivian Cheese. Customs officials became suspicious when he
told them he was going to sell the cheese when he reached his destination.
The story didn't make sense for two reasons: One, the cheese was not
refrigerated and would probably go bad before he reached his destination and,
two, his destination--Switzerland. Customs officers correctly figured
he would have a tough time selling lousy Bolivian cheese in a
country known for its great cheeses. They cut open a chunk of the
cheese and found the cocaine, resulting in the bozo's
arrest.**** WEIRD
HAPPENINS ****
Turkey Break-In
Ruffles Family's Feathers
SAGINAW, Mich. - A Michigan couple
were surprised -- and slightly injured -- when a turkey burst through their
picture window and ran through their home. Maureen and Gerald Henze were
watching television Tuesday afternoon when the crash sent glass flying
onto them, causing minor cuts on their legs and feet. The Saginaw
News reports Gerald looked up and saw the turkey running down the
hallway of their three- bedroom house. Closely tailing it was the
Henze's dog Donny. Gerald Henze also gave pursuit, grabbing a hand- ful
of tail feathers while trapping the bird in the back bedroom. Deputy Kirt
Shields of the Saginaw County (Mich.) Sheriff's Department got a little
scratched by the gobbler as he tried to release it
outside. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link
below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****
If there
was any justice in this world, there would be a waiting room where doctors would
have to sit to get paid.
**** HEALTH NEWS ****
Statin may change heart disease
treatment
CLEVELAND, -- A Cleveland Clinic study
suggests high doses of a specific statin might help shrink
arterial blockages, offering a non-surgical method of treatment.
The study involving more than 500 patients found a
cholesterol-lower- ing statin, Crestor, can shrink the kinds of
blockages that cause most heart attacks, The Washington Post
reported Tuesday. Statins are already widely used to prevent or
slow heart disease by lowering cholesterol levels. "This may
be the beginning of a real revolution in the treatment of
heart disease," said Dr. Steven Nissen of the Cleveland
Clinic, who led the study. "We're not merely slowing down the
in- exorable progression, but truly reversing the disease.
It's very exciting." Some cardiologists said the study was
flawed, in that it did not compare patients receiving the
experi- mental treatment with those who did not. But Nissen told
The Post the study's methodology was sufficient to
demonstrate an effect. However, he and other experts agree more
research is needed to confirm the findings and supply other
informa- tion, such as optimum dosage and safety
questions. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bariatric surgery may reduce heart risks
ROCHESTER, Minn., -- Mayo Clinic researchers say they've
determined bariatric surgery might help reduce heart attack
risks in obese patients. The community-based study involved
the records of patients treated from 1990-2003, including
197 patients with advanced degrees of obesity who underwent
Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery, the most common weight-
reduction surgery in the United States. The control group
included 163 patients enrolled in a weight-reduction pro-
gram. With an average 3.3-year follow-ups, the researchers
recorded changes in cardiovascular risk factors such as
blood pressure, diabetes indicators, cholesterol levels and
each patient's body mass index. Researchers were surprised
by the findings, said Dr. John Batsis, lead author of the
study. The scientists' estimated 10-year risk for death or
cardiovascular events, such as a heart attack, in the
surgical group decreased from 37 percent to 18 percent as a
result of the study, but remained at 30 percent for the control
group. "We believed the surgical patients would have a modest
reduced risk, but instead we discovered there are
significant and long-lasting heart benefits for this group,"
Batsis
said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some energy, soda drinks, high in
caffeine
GAINESVILLE, Fla., -- University of
Florida scientists say some carbonated and energy drinks are so
loaded with caffeine they might be dangerous to some people.
Bruce Goldberger, director of UF's William Maples Center
for Forensic Medicine, said the surprisingly high
caffeine content in some beverages might present problems
for pregnant women, children, and adults with
hypertension, heart disease or mental health ailments. "We
weren't surprised there was caffeine in the sodas and some
of the other beverages," said Goldberger, a professor
of pathology and psychiatry. The surprise, he said, was
the high concentration of caffeine in some of the
energy drinks that exceeded the government's
recommendations for cold beverages. The Food and Drug
Administration recommends a maximum caffeine concentration of 65
milli- grams per 12-ounce serving of cola beverages,
although caffeine content is not regulated. The UF team tested
10 energy drinks, 19 sodas and seven other beverages
and found some energy drinks have up to 141 milligrams in
a single serving -- more than twice the caffeine content
of some espresso drinks. Most soda drinks contained
caffeine levels well below the recommended amount. The
study appears in the Journal of Analytical
Toxicology.
**** ON THIS DAY
****
"Daddy's Little
Girl"
Her hair up in a pony tail, her favorite dress
tied with a bow Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to
go
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she
probably should stay home Why the kids might not understand, if she went
to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to
say What to tell her classmates, on the Daddy's Day
But still her mommy worried, for her to face
this day alone And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter
home.
But the little girl went to school, eager to
tell them all About a dad she never sees, a dad who never
calls
There were daddies along the wall in back for
everyone to meet Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their
seats
One by one the teacher called, a student from
the class to introduce their daddy as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every
child turned to stare Each of them were searching, for a man who wasn't
there
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call
out "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to
shout
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a
daddy say "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his
day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled at
her friends And looked back at her teacher who told her to
begin.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she
began to speak and out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly
unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives
so far away. But I know he wishes he could, be with me on this
day."
"And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you
to know All about my Daddy, And how much he loves me so."
"He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to
ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses and taught me to fly a
kite."
"We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream
in a cone. and though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here
alone."
"Cause my Daddy's always with me, even though
we are far apart. I know because he told me, he'll forever be here in my
heart."
With that her little hand reached up, and lay
across her chest Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite
dress.
And from some where in the crowd of dads, her
mother stood in tears Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond
her years
For she stood up for the love, of a man not in
her life doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back
down, staring straight into the crowd She finished with a voice so
soft but its message clear and loud.
"I love my Daddy very much, he's my shining
star, and if he could he'd be here but heavens much to far."
"but sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like
he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, and she saw him there
that day.
And to her mother's amazement she witnessed
with surprise A room full of Daddies and Children all starting to close
their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows
what they felt inside Perhaps for merely a second they saw him at her
side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence
she called out And what happened next made believers, of those once filled
with doubt
Not one in that room could explain it for each
of their eyes had been closed but there placed on her desk was a beautiful
pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only a moment, by
the love her shining bright star and given the gift of believing
that Heaven is never to far.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a
link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a
thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits
to donate mammogram in exchange for
advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com& The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This
doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in
exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link
for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is
excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U
Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this jim4615@earthlink.net Subject
Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR
SPORTS NEWS ****
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%
**** COUNTRY
CALANDER ****
Frank Hutchison, vocals/guitar/harmonica, born
Logan, WV
1897.
Benny Garcia Jr., legendary Western Swing
guitarist, born Oklahoma
City 1926. Inducted Oklahoma Music
Hall of Fame
2003.
Dewey Balfa, ???Balfa Brothers,??? born near Big
Mamou, LA 1927.
???Your Hit Parade??? debuted on network radio
1935.
Jerry Reed born ???Jerry Reed Hubbard,???
Atlanta, GA
1937.
Tommy Hunter born London, Ontario, Canada
1937.
Jo Ann Campbell, singer/actress, born
Jacksonville, FL
1938.
Don Edwards, singer-songwriter, born Boonton, NJ
1939.
Samuel Wellington ???The Four Guys,??? born
Stubenville, OH
1939.
Ranger Doug, ???Douglas Bruce Green??? of Riders in
the Sky born Great Lakes, IL
1946.
Eddy Arnold??™s #1 single ???Anytime,??? charted
1948.
1927 Cajun music pioneer Dewey Balfa born in Mamou,
La.
1960 Jim Seales, lead guitarist for Shenandoah,
born in Hamilton, Ala.
1961 Faron Young's No. 1 single, "Hello Walls," charted
1984 The Judds did their first concert, opening for
the Statler Brothers in Omaha, Neb.
1991 K.T. Oslin's long-form video, Love in a Small Town
certified gold
2002 Alison Krauss & Union Station's
New Favorite album certified gold
1949 Hank Williams recorded the classic "Wedding Bells"
1963 George Hamilton IV recorded the No. 1
single
"Abilene"
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Rhett Akins and
Jamey Johnson hit the road this week for a two plus month tour sponsored by
Wrangler. Akins returns to action with a new album, slated for summer
release, "People Like Me," while Johnson is touring behind his debut disc and
hit single "The Dollar." Akins has participated on Honky Tonk Tailgate Party
Tours. His new disc features the upcoming single "Old Bird Dog" and the
controversial "Kiss My Country Ass." "Touring has been my life for the past
11 years," said Akins. "It is the only life I know. When I'm not spending time
with my two children or enjoying the outdoors, I'm on the road playing my music
for my fans." Johnson co-wrote Trace Adkins' hit "Honky Tonk
Badonkadonk." "I was built for this," said Johnson of touring. "Our band can
go from just burning the house down on a Hank Jr. song, and then two or three
songs later, slow all the way down to a George Jones ballad. We have the ability
to crank it up to 11 and then turn it down to soft and sweet." The tour kicks
off in March 23 in Louisvilleand concludes May 21 in
Detroit.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
"Mushroom
Quiche" 1 - 9" frozen pie
shell 1 cup shredded swiss / cheddar cheese 1 1/2 tbsps flour 1 cup
cream / milk 4 eggs beaten 1/2 tsp salt 1/4 tsp white pepper 4
oz can mushrooms 1/4 lb onions / cut
small
Pre-heat oven to 400?° Bake pie shell 5 min
Saute onions and mushrooms Mix flour & cheese / place in pie shell
Combine all ingredients / pour over cheese Bake 35 min or until knife
inserted in center comes out clean ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Country Chicken Stew"
1.) 4 ounces sliced mushrooms 2.)
8 ounces frozen mixed pepper stir-fry 3.) 1 stalk celery, thinly
sliced 4.) 1 medium yellow squash, diced 5.) 1/4 teaspoon
dried thyme leaves 6.) 1 (10-3/4-ounce) can 98% fat-free reduced-sodium
cream of chicken soup 7.) 9 ounces frozen cooked diced chicken breast
meat 8.) 1/2 cup frozen green peas 9.) 1/4 teaspoon
salt
Place a medium saucepot over medium high heat
until hot. Coat skillet with cooking spray and add mushrooms, pepper
stir-fry, celery, squash and thyme. Cook 3 minutes and add soup. Bring just
to a boil, reduce heat, cover tightly, and simmer 30 minutes, stirring
occasionally. Stir in remaining ingredients and cook 5 minutes longer to heat
thoroughly. Yield: 4 Servings.
Nutritional Information Per Serving (1-1/4
cups): Calories: 208, Fat: 4 g, Cholesterol: 60 mg, Sodium: 529 mg,
Carbohydrate: 17 g, Dietary Fiber: 3 g, Sugars: 6 g, Protein: 24 g Diabetic
Exchanges: 3 Very Lean Meat, 1 Vegetable, 1 Carbohydrate.
Source: The Daily Diabetic Recipe
Newsletter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beef
Ribs"
Flat roasting pan or foil pan 3 beef ribs per person 1
bottle of barbecue sauce
Pre - heat oven to 350?° Single layer ribs in pan
Cover / bake 1 hour Uncover / brush generously with sauce Re-cover /
bake 1 hour Uncover / bake 1 hour adding sauce as needed and basting every
20 min. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** TODAY'S
USELESS FACT ****
What's the best way to get rid of ear
wax?<
86651/126319_fearwax.gif
gs.com/news/6/02/fearwax.gif" align=right border=0>
Answers Robert K. Jackler, MD (www.webmd.com): One thing you definitely don't
want to do is get rid of all your earwax. Earwax isn't dirt. It's a normal
secretion that protects your ear, just the way other kinds of wax protect your
car.
If water gets in your ear canal -- while you're swimming or taking a
shower, for instance -- earwax will cause the water to bead up and move away
from your eardrum. Then the slipperiness of the wax encourages the water to run
out of the canal. In addition, earwax is slightly acidic, which discourages
bacterial or fungal growth in the moist, dark ear canal. Without earwax, it
would be much harder to avoid ear infections.
In a way, it's part of a
self-cleaning system. Most people don't need to do any ear maintenance at all.
Earwax slowly migrates toward the opening of the ear canal and is sloughed off.
If you want, you can take a washcloth and, using your finger, gently wash the
opening of your ear.
Whatever you do, don't poke a cotton swab into your
ear. A swab may remove a little wax, but it's also likely to push some deeper
into the ear canal. Because the canal is hourglass-shaped, earwax can create a
plug that won't come out on its own. Most of my patients with impacted earwax
created the problem themselves with cotton swabs.
A small minority of
people do produce unusually large amounts of earwax. If your ear canal keeps
getting clogged, you may need to see your doctor occasionally to have it
removed. Most physicians use jets of carefully-controlled water to rinse out the
ear canal and remove impacted wax. Ear specialists use a magnifying scope and a
small instrument to remove wax.
Can you do it yourself? Sure, though it's
a good idea to check with your physician first. Removing wax on your own is not
recommended if you have a history of ear infections or other ear problems such
as a hole in the eardrum.
To remove excess wax, you'll need a kit of
wax-dissolving drops and a rubber bulb syringe, both of which are available at
almost any pharmacy. The kits usually come with instructions, which you should
follow carefully.
Remember not to use cotton swabs in
your ears, and the chances are they'll take good care of themselves.
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
On high school
reunions: Don't go if you've never gone. You get that letter in the mail. You
feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself. ~Drew
Carey~
TOON
TIME
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LAST
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