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Subject: The Daily Funnies - March21, 2006



 

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 TUESDAY MARCH 21,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: What is the definition of a irreconcilable differences? When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

After many years of trying, the Russian family was finally  
able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old  
gentleman could only speak Russian.  

Each day when the family members were at work grandpa would  
spend his time in the park, walking, watching the children  
play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along. So  
that he would be able to get a little something to eat they  
taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."  

Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool at  
the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."  

This worked well for him until one day he decided that he  
just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family  
taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."  

He went to the park the next day looking forward to being  
able to order a ham sandwich in stead of apple pie. Smiling  
to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter and  
waited his turn.  

When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said,  
"Ham sandwich, coke."  

To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"  

The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher  
to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient  
into the doctor's office.  

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth  
of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"  

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters!  
How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys go hunting. Junior has never gone hunting while Joe
has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern
Kentucky woods, Joe tells Junior to sit by a tree and not
make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
 
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells,
"I thought I told you to be quiet!"
 
Junior says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes
crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was
breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those
two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we
take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet
any more!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says
with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed
three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."

"What do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this
for free?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was bringing in a C-5 on GCA one bad night and several times warned
the pilot immediate traffic on his six, (behind him) at the same
altitude and speed while trying to contact the other aircraft, just
knowing that there is going to be a mid-air crash on my watch. Many
possible scenarios passed through my mind as to why the second aircraft
was following my instructions so perfectly, while trying to get the two
separated to a safe distance. My supervisor, hearing that I am having a
problem has just plugged into my radio when the pilot of the 5A comes
back with, " Control, with all due respect, I think the second aircraft
is my tail." As my supervisor broke out laughing, I realized that I had
boo-booed, but didn't know how, just that it was very embarrassing. I
was astounded when the next day, I was shown a C-5A on the parking ramp
and found out just how "Big" that sucker is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO:  The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for
$10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to
know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to
raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with
all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My
friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got
your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not
raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will
mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not
raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going
to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send
me any information you have on that, too. In view of these
circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed
and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you
will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
A soon to be Gentleman Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
free cheese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister
Betty rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass
through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator.  When he falls off, you'll know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a woman was nursing her baby, her cousin's six-year-old daughter,
Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about
what was going on.

After mulling over the woman's answers, she remarked, "My mom has
some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread
the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter "What are
you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if
the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine
until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you
think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really
began to happen fast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about that Canadian team that was trying to introduce
a new winter sport whereby you essentially play shuffleboard with
frozen rabbits? Yep, it's a story that'll curl your hare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Census Bureau said the birth rate in the United States reached
an all-time low this past year.

It's believed to be another side effect of Viagra.

it seems more women are running off with older men who have higher
bank balances and lower sperm counts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the
saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped
down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The
second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The
first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for
it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He
was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered,
"I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely,
then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament?
Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then
16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"They said on the news tonight that U.S. spy satellites are being
used to track infected birds with the bird flu. Well, they worked
so well in the hunt for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-
volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey,
at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this fellow from West Virginia who had a flat tire. He
pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked
down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded
to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the
scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went
back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied,
"I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's
with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down they
tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it neither."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish. He wanted a
drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces,
"I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter,
I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter,
and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred
sovereigns!"

At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the
back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish
and embarrassed. Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?" John says,
"I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black
Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A politician was out fishing one day when he caught a strange
looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on
the ground next to him.

The fish started writhing in agony and, to the politician's
surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant
you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the guy mused as visions of expensive
fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded
through his head.

"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw
you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only
three wishes."

The politician's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some
thought he announced, "Just what do you take me for? A sucker? I'll
settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three
wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish.

Finally, he decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the
mouth and said, "All right fish, you win this time, three wishes."

Unfortunately, the fish was dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was attending a law course, the 'Audiatur et altera pars'
rule was explained to us. Translated it means, "Also the other party
has to be heard." After discussing the subject at great length,
the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule. From
the auditorium a man shouted, "My wife!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A week earlier my son, Barry, who attends high school, had been shopping for sneakers. After spending considerable time in one store, he found a very expensive pair he liked, but he didn't have enough money with him to buy them. Now he and I were back at the same store. As we entered, the salesman obviously recognized him and said, "Oh, you've got the cash now?"

"No," Barry answered. "I've brought my banker." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend and I were discussing where on our bodies would be the best place to apply the weight-loss patch we were trying. Her husband, who overheard our conversation, suggested, "Your mouths." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the riding school I ran, getting 12 rambunctious ten- to 14- year-old girls and ten horses and ponies to a horse show could be difficult, and everyone had a job to do. Several girls were in charge of the multitude of saddles, bridles, saddle pads and sundry pieces of equipment. Then came the checklists. Despite our best efforts, never a Sunday went by without the cry "I forgot the...."

Turning a truck and trailer around on country roads to retrieve the forgotten item is tricky, and this Saturday I was determined to be perfect. We checked the lists twice. But just after we started out, I heard, "We forgot the..."

In exasperation I interrupted, "Whoever forgot it will not go today!"

"But you forgot to load the ponies," they cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted "Hello there." But the response sounded to me like "Hello where?" I tried again. "How do you do?" A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do I do what?" Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test. "You're not really an echo canyon, are you?" The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions. "Brilliant deduction, Einstein!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies
 ****

Sign at Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
~
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury
duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
~
My doctor told me there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.



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WHAT'S NEXT

In Nagano, Japan, in February, five disgruntled Buddhist monks
(along with four clerical workers) at the Zenkoji temple formed
a labor union that was certified by the National Confederation of
Trade Unions, to combat what they say was harassment by the head
monk regarding working conditions. [Los Angeles Times, 2-23-06]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CUT RATE KIDS

The latest product for routine U.S. outsourcing is sperm, according
to a November report by Wired.com. In a program established by
the highly regarded Dr. Sanford Rosenberg of Richmond, Va., a
potential father's sperm is shipped to a lab in Bucharest, Romania,
to fertilize eggs of local women, with the resultant embryos frozen
and returned to the United States for implanting in the mother,
at about half the domestic price for the procedure. [Wired.com
News, 11-30-05]



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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

Arsonists' Plan To Ignite Car Blows Up In Their Faces


ENID, Okla. - Two men incriminated themselves when they
accidentally hit the wrong button on a cell phone and gave 911
dispatchers a detailed account of their plot to set a vehicle
on fire. Emergency dispatchers and a shift super- visor listened
for four hours while the two Enid natives worked out their plan
to steal an acquaintance's car and burn the vehicle up. "They
made some pretty dumb statements," said Enid police Capt. Jim
Nivison. "One of the males said, 'It's gonna burn, will they be
able to get fingerprints?' and 'I've got the lighter, Dude. Let's
go.'" The two men, Johnny Ray Miller and Robert A. Patterson,
were later jailed on conspiracy complaints.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fake Money Buys Man A Spot In Jail

PALM BAY, Fla. - A 23-year-old man obviously had a good evening
planned when he stopped at a Walgreens Drug Store to pick up a
pack of condoms and some cologne. Too bad he tried to make his
purchases using a fake $100 bill. The clerk suspected the bill
Christopher Leigh Smith handed over was fake and stalled him until
police arrived. "He told them that he knew it was fake and that
he had gotten it from an unknown man," said spokeswoman Yvonne
Martinez. Unless Smith had planned on a fun night in jail, his
date probably didn't end up so well. He is being held at Brevard
County Jail on a $1,000 bond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Federal authorities are hunting for a man and woman they say tried
to rob a Naperville, Illinois bank -- through its drive-up lane.

The pair pulled a SUV into the drive-through lanes of the bank and
sent the teller a note that read, "You have 10 seconds to fill
up the tube with $100's and $50's. No dye packs. Or I'll shoot
everyone in the parking lot," according to police.

The teller told the bank manager, who locked the bank's doors and
called police.

Cameras caught clear shots of the robbers and photos were sent to
police departments around the area. The couple were charged in
Wednesday's holdup after being recognized by a nearby sheriff's
department.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A California man is suing the city for driving a dump truck into
his car. The strange thing is that he was the city employee driving
the truck.

City officials denied Kurt Gooney's $3,600 claim for the acci-
dent because he was, in essence, suing himself. So he and his wife
have decided to file a new claim under her name.

Mrs. Gooney's claim is for $1,200 more than Kurt's.

"I'm not as nice as my husband is," she said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHEESEY

The story you are about to read is true.  The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International
File. From Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of Bozo Geraldo
Gallo who was arrested for cocaine smuggling. It was our bozo's
method of smuggling that got him into trouble. He was detained
at the airport as he tried to leave the country with a suitcase
full of 50 pounds of cheap Bolivian Cheese. Customs officials
became suspicious when he told them he was going to sell the
cheese when he reached his destination. The story didn't make
sense for two reasons: One, the cheese was not refrigerated and
would probably go bad before he reached his destination and, two,
his destination--Switzerland. Customs officers correctly figured he
would have a tough time selling lousy Bolivian cheese in a country
known for its great cheeses. They cut open a chunk of the cheese
and found the cocaine, resulting in the bozo's arrest.


**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Turkey Break-In Ruffles Family's Feathers

SAGINAW, Mich. - A Michigan couple were surprised -- and slightly
injured -- when a turkey burst through their picture window and
ran through their home. Maureen and Gerald Henze were watching
television Tuesday afternoon when the crash sent glass flying onto
them, causing minor cuts on their legs and feet. The Saginaw News
reports Gerald looked up and saw the turkey running down the hallway
of their three- bedroom house. Closely tailing it was the Henze's
dog Donny. Gerald Henze also gave pursuit, grabbing a hand- ful of
tail feathers while trapping the bird in the back bedroom. Deputy
Kirt Shields of the Saginaw County (Mich.) Sheriff's Department got
a little scratched by the gobbler as he tried to release it outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

If there was any justice in this world, there would be a waiting room where doctors would have to sit to get paid.


**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Statin may change heart disease treatment
  

CLEVELAND, -- A Cleveland Clinic study suggests high doses  
of a specific statin might help shrink arterial blockages,  
offering a non-surgical method of treatment. The study  
involving more than 500 patients found a cholesterol-lower-  
ing statin, Crestor, can shrink the kinds of blockages that  
cause most heart attacks, The Washington Post reported  
Tuesday. Statins are already widely used to prevent or slow  
heart disease by lowering cholesterol levels. "This may be  
the beginning of a real revolution in the treatment of heart  
disease," said Dr. Steven Nissen of the Cleveland Clinic,  
who led the study. "We're not merely slowing down the in-  
exorable progression, but truly reversing the disease. It's  
very exciting." Some cardiologists said the study was flawed,  
in that it did not compare patients receiving the experi-  
mental treatment with those who did not. But Nissen told The  
Post the study's methodology was sufficient to demonstrate  
an effect. However, he and other experts agree more research  
is needed to confirm the findings and supply other informa-  
tion, such as optimum dosage and safety questions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

Bariatric surgery may reduce heart risks  

ROCHESTER, Minn., -- Mayo Clinic researchers say they've  
determined bariatric surgery might help reduce heart attack  
risks in obese patients. The community-based study involved  
the records of patients treated from 1990-2003, including  
197 patients with advanced degrees of obesity who underwent  
Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery, the most common weight-  
reduction surgery in the United States. The control group  
included 163 patients enrolled in a weight-reduction pro-  
gram. With an average 3.3-year follow-ups, the researchers  
recorded changes in cardiovascular risk factors such as  
blood pressure, diabetes indicators, cholesterol levels and  
each patient's body mass index. Researchers were surprised  
by the findings, said Dr. John Batsis, lead author of the  
study. The scientists' estimated 10-year risk for death or  
cardiovascular events, such as a heart attack, in the  
surgical group decreased from 37 percent to 18 percent as  
a result of the study, but remained at 30 percent for the  
control group. "We believed the surgical patients would  
have a modest reduced risk, but instead we discovered there  
 are significant and long-lasting heart benefits for this  
group," Batsis said. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Some energy, soda drinks, high in caffeine  

GAINESVILLE, Fla., -- University of Florida scientists  
say some carbonated and energy drinks are so loaded with  
caffeine they might be dangerous to some people. Bruce  
Goldberger, director of UF's William Maples Center for  
Forensic Medicine, said the surprisingly high caffeine  
content in some beverages might present problems for  
pregnant women, children, and adults with hypertension,  
heart disease or mental health ailments. "We weren't  
surprised there was caffeine in the sodas and some of  
the other beverages," said Goldberger, a professor of  
pathology and psychiatry. The surprise, he said, was the  
high concentration of caffeine in some of the energy  
drinks that exceeded the government's recommendations  
for cold beverages. The Food and Drug Administration  
recommends a maximum caffeine concentration of 65 milli-  
grams per 12-ounce serving of cola beverages, although  
caffeine content is not regulated. The UF team tested 10  
energy drinks, 19 sodas and seven other beverages and  
found some energy drinks have up to 141 milligrams in a  
single serving -- more than twice the caffeine content of  
some espresso drinks. Most soda drinks contained caffeine  
levels well below the recommended amount. The study  
appears in the Journal of Analytical Toxicology.  


**** ON THIS DAY ****

"Daddy's Little Girl"

 
Her hair up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go
 
But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.
 
But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say
What to tell her classmates,
on the Daddy's Day
 
But still her mommy worried,
for her to face this day alone
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.
 
But the little girl went to school,
eager to tell them all
About a dad she never sees,
a dad who never calls
 
There were daddies along the wall in back
for everyone to meet
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats
 
One by one the teacher called,
a student from the class
to introduce their daddy
as seconds slowly passed.
 
At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare
Each of them were searching,
for a man who wasn't there
 
"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout
 
And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."
 
The words did not offend her,
as she smiled at her friends
And looked back at her teacher
who told her to begin.
 
And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak
and out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.
 
"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could,
be with me on this day."
 
"And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know
All about my Daddy,
And how much he loves me so."
 
"He loved to tell me stories,
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses
and taught me to fly a kite."
 
"We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
and though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone."
 
"Cause my Daddy's always with me,
even though we are far apart.
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be here in my heart."
 
With that her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.
 
And from some where in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years
 
For she stood up for the love,
of a man not in her life
doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.
 
And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd
She finished with a voice so soft
but its message clear and loud.
 
"I love my Daddy very much,
he's my shining star,
and if he could he'd be here
but heavens much to far."
 
"but sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and she saw him there that day.
 
And to her mother's amazement
she witnessed with surprise
A room full of Daddies and Children
all starting to close their eyes.
 
Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside
Perhaps for merely a second
they saw him at her side.
 
"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt
 
Not one in that room could explain it
for each of their eyes had been closed
but there placed on her desk
was a beautiful pink rose.
 
And a child was blessed, if only a moment,
by the love her shining bright star
and given the gift of believing that
Heaven is never to far.


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****

These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
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It is excellent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@earthlink.net
Subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****


Frank Hutchison, vocals/guitar/harmonica, born Logan, WV 1897.

 Benny Garcia Jr., legendary Western Swing guitarist, born Oklahoma City 1926. Inducted Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame 2003.

  Dewey Balfa, ???Balfa Brothers,??? born near Big Mamou, LA 1927.

  ???Your Hit Parade??? debuted on network radio 1935.

 Jerry Reed born ???Jerry Reed Hubbard,??? Atlanta, GA  1937.

 Tommy Hunter born London, Ontario, Canada 1937.

 Jo Ann Campbell, singer/actress, born Jacksonville, FL 1938.

  Don Edwards, singer-songwriter, born Boonton, NJ 1939.

  Samuel Wellington  ???The Four Guys,??? born Stubenville, OH 1939.

  Ranger Doug, ???Douglas Bruce Green??? of Riders in the Sky born Great Lakes, IL 1946.

  Eddy Arnold??™s #1 single ???Anytime,??? charted 1948.

1927 Cajun music pioneer Dewey Balfa born in Mamou, La.   

1960 Jim Seales, lead guitarist for Shenandoah, born  
in Hamilton, Ala.   
  
1961 Faron Young's No. 1 single, "Hello Walls," charted  
  
1984 The Judds did their first concert, opening for the  
Statler Brothers in Omaha, Neb.  
  
1991 K.T. Oslin's long-form video, Love in a Small Town  
certified gold  

2002 Alison Krauss & Union Station's New Favorite album  
certified gold  
  
1949 Hank Williams recorded the classic "Wedding Bells"  
  
1963 George Hamilton IV recorded the No. 1 single  
"Abilene
"   


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Rhett Akins and Jamey Johnson hit the road this week for a two plus month tour sponsored by Wrangler.
Akins returns to action with a new album, slated for summer release, "People Like Me," while Johnson is touring behind his debut disc and hit single "The Dollar."
Akins has participated on Honky Tonk Tailgate Party Tours. His new disc features the upcoming single "Old Bird Dog" and the controversial "Kiss My Country Ass."
"Touring has been my life for the past 11 years," said Akins. "It is the only life I know. When I'm not spending time with my two children or enjoying the outdoors, I'm on the road playing my music for my fans."
Johnson co-wrote Trace Adkins' hit "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."
"I was built for this," said Johnson of touring. "Our band can go from just burning the house down on a Hank Jr. song, and then two or three songs later, slow all the way down to a George Jones ballad. We have the ability to crank it up to 11 and then turn it down to soft and sweet."
The tour kicks off in March 23 in Louisvilleand concludes May 21 in Detroit. 

 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  


"Mushroom Quiche" 
 
 
1 - 9" frozen pie shell
1 cup shredded swiss / cheddar cheese
1 1/2 tbsps flour
1 cup cream / milk
4 eggs beaten
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp white pepper
4 oz can mushrooms
1/4 lb onions / cut small 
 

Pre-heat oven to 400?°
Bake pie shell 5 min
Saute onions and mushrooms
Mix flour & cheese / place in pie shell
Combine all ingredients / pour over cheese
Bake 35 min or until knife inserted in center comes out clean
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Country Chicken Stew"
 
1.)  4 ounces sliced mushrooms
2.)  8 ounces frozen mixed pepper stir-fry
3.)  1 stalk celery, thinly sliced
4.)  1 medium yellow squash, diced
5.)  1/4 teaspoon dried thyme leaves
6.)  1 (10-3/4-ounce) can 98% fat-free reduced-sodium cream of chicken soup
7.)  9 ounces frozen cooked diced chicken breast meat
8.)  1/2 cup frozen green peas
9.)  1/4 teaspoon salt
 
Place a medium saucepot over medium high heat until hot. Coat skillet with cooking spray and add mushrooms,
pepper stir-fry, celery, squash and thyme.
Cook 3 minutes and add soup. Bring just to a boil, reduce heat, cover tightly, and simmer 30 minutes,
stirring occasionally.
Stir in remaining ingredients and cook 5 minutes longer to heat thoroughly.  Yield:  4 Servings.
Nutritional Information Per Serving (1-1/4 cups):
Calories: 208, Fat: 4 g, Cholesterol: 60 mg, Sodium: 529 mg, Carbohydrate: 17 g, Dietary Fiber: 3 g, Sugars: 6 g, Protein: 24 g Diabetic Exchanges: 3 Very Lean Meat, 1 Vegetable, 1 Carbohydrate.
Source:  The Daily Diabetic Recipe Newsletter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
"Beef Ribs"
 
Flat roasting pan or foil pan
3 beef ribs per person
1 bottle of barbecue sauce

Pre - heat oven to 350?°
Single layer ribs in pan
Cover / bake 1 hour
Uncover / brush generously with sauce
Re-cover / bake 1 hour
Uncover / bake 1 hour adding sauce as needed and basting every 20 min.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What's the best way to get rid of ear wax?< 86651/126319_fearwax.gif gs.com/news/6/02/fearwax.gif" align=right border=0> Answers Robert K. Jackler, MD (www.webmd.com): One thing you definitely don't want to do is get rid of all your earwax. Earwax isn't dirt. It's a normal secretion that protects your ear, just the way other kinds of wax protect your car.

If water gets in your ear canal -- while you're swimming or taking a shower, for instance -- earwax will cause the water to bead up and move away from your eardrum. Then the slipperiness of the wax encourages the water to run out of the canal. In addition, earwax is slightly acidic, which discourages bacterial or fungal growth in the moist, dark ear canal. Without earwax, it would be much harder to avoid ear infections.

In a way, it's part of a self-cleaning system. Most people don't need to do any ear maintenance at all. Earwax slowly migrates toward the opening of the ear canal and is sloughed off. If you want, you can take a washcloth and, using your finger, gently wash the opening of your ear.

Whatever you do, don't poke a cotton swab into your ear. A swab may remove a little wax, but it's also likely to push some deeper into the ear canal. Because the canal is hourglass-shaped, earwax can create a plug that won't come out on its own. Most of my patients with impacted earwax created the problem themselves with cotton swabs.

A small minority of people do produce unusually large amounts of earwax. If your ear canal keeps getting clogged, you may need to see your doctor occasionally to have it removed. Most physicians use jets of carefully-controlled water to rinse out the ear canal and remove impacted wax. Ear specialists use a magnifying scope and a small instrument to remove wax.

Can you do it yourself? Sure, though it's a good idea to check with your physician first. Removing wax on your own is not recommended if you have a history of ear infections or other ear problems such as a hole in the eardrum.

To remove excess wax, you'll need a kit of wax-dissolving drops and a rubber bulb syringe, both of which are available at almost any pharmacy. The kits usually come with instructions, which you should follow carefully.

Remember not to use cotton swabs in your ears, and the chances are they'll take good care of themselves.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

On high school reunions: Don't go if you've never gone. You get that letter in the mail. You feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself. ~Drew Carey~


TOON TIME

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LAST CALL Y'ALL


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