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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers WEDNESDAY MARCH 22,2006
You wouldn't trust them with your car, but with
your
kids it's okay. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "This bird flu is pretty is pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
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Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca **************************************************** "YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too tall to fit your legs under the desk!" Have you ever heard of news as weird as this? Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free subscription of "Weirdo News" now! **************************************************** **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** Underwear Gang Strikes Again Police in Minnesota can't figure out why someone would steal over 1,000 bras. The Star-Tribune reports police say that in addition to 1,000 bras stolen last week from a Victoria's Secret store, the thieves returned for another 75 over the weekend. "Everybody's wondering: How do you unload them? It's not something you go to a pawn shop with," a Rochester police officer told the Star. Police say the merchandise was stolen from the store while it was open for business. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW BUTT CONTROL WASHINGTON - I would have hated to be the guinea pig for this little device. The US Food and Drug Administration has recently endorsed the approval of a novel implantable device designed to imitate the function of the sphincter muscle and help prevent uncontrollable bowel movements. Expert advisors say this device was designed to imitate the sphincter muscle by allowing patients to open the anal canal using the control pump to inflate the balloon. The device already is available under a humanitarian device exemption, which allows it to be used as a treatment of last resort. The committee members agreed, noting that patients that have received successful implants already have seemed to experience a dramatic im- provement in their quality of life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Burning Out The Devil in Connecticut STAMFORD, Connecticut - This sounds like a scene from Stephen King's next horror flick. Lucson Aladin, 32, allegedly burnt a teddy bear because he believed it was possessed. Aladin told police he burned the plush toy in his back yard as part of a voodoo ritual to rid it of its evil spirit. Firefight- ers had responded to a report of a brush fire at Aladin's house and found the teddy bear burning in the back yard. Aladin was charged with reckless burning.  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M.
**** On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room . But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot a nd was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW YORK (Reuters) - Al Unser Jr, who retired almost two years ago, is coming back to race at the Indianapolis 500 in May. The twice former Indy 500 winner will team up with 1996 champion Buddy Lazier to drive for Dreyer and Reinbold Racing in a one-off comeback. "It's in my blood," the 43-year-old Unser told a teleconference on Tuesday. "What can I say? I just love racing so now I'm making an effort to come back." Unser, who won the Indy 500 in 1992 and 1994, has a proud family history at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Al Unser Sr, his father, won the prestigious event four times while his uncle Bobby was a three-times winner. Unser Jr and Lazier have 30 starts and 5,668 laps in the race between them. "To put together two guys who've not only won Indy three times but also to have their stellar record of finishes and laps completed is just an awesome opportunity for our team," said co-owner Dennis Reinbold. Unser, who was 17th in 2004, has seven top-five and 10 top-10 finishes in the Indy 500. He announced his retirement in June 2004 after coming 22nd in a race in Richmond, Virginia. MICHAEL ANDRETTI "I'm doing this because I love racing," Unser said. "I guess there are some things you don't know you have until they've gone. "I've been doing this since I was nine years old. I missed it incredibly." Unser will be joined at the Indy 500 by 43-year-old rival Michael Andretti, who announced in December that he would be returning to the race after a three-year absence. The twice former champion of the CART and IROC (International Race of Champions) series denied Andretti's comeback had influenced him. "The itch for me, and missing the racing, started quite a while ago," said Unser. "It finally got to the point where I had to scratch it...I
missed the sights, the sounds, the smells, the fans, everything."The Indy 500
will be held on May 28.
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35% **** COUNTRY CALANDER **** 1882 Bascom Lamar Lunsford born in Mars Hill, North Carolina 1938 Stan Hitchcock born in Kansas City, Missouri 1931 Bluesman Prince Albert Hunt died in Dallas, Texas 1991 Clarence "Leo" Fender, maker of the Telecaster and Stratocaster guitars, died 2002 Songwriter-producer Tommy Hill, composer of Webb Pierce's #1 hit "Slowly,"died in Nashville at age 72 1993 Anne Murray inducted into the Canadian Music Hall Of Fame 1953 The Carlisles debut on the Grand Ole Opry appearance 1962 Flatt and Scruggs recorded "Life Of Trouble" for Columbia **** Amy's Kitchen **** REUBEN CASSEROLE 1 32-ounce bag sauerkraut, with juice squeezed out 1 pound corned beef, chopped 1/2 of an 8-ounce bottle Thousand Island dressing 1 pound Swiss cheese, sliced 12 slices buttered rye bread, cut in 1-inch pieces Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a 9x13 casserole dish layer the sauerkraut, corned beef, dressing and cheese. Top with the buttered rye bread cubes. Bake uncovered for 45 minutes. Let cool slightly before eating. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HERE'S THE BASIC RECIPE FOR REUBEN SANDWICH: A classic way of using leftover corned beef corned beef, sliced thinly hearty rye bread mustard Thousand Island dressing sauerkraut, rinsed and well-drained Swiss cheese slices Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Warm the sauerkraut in the microwave. Toast the rye bread lightly. For each sandwich, place a 15 inch length of aluminum foil on the counter. Spread half of the bread slices with mustard and place on the foil. Spread a generous amount of Thousand Island Dressing over the mustard. Add a layer of sauerkraut. Next add the corned beef slices, piling generously. Top with a slice of cheese. Spread the mustard on the remaining rye bread slices and cover the sandwich. Wrap tightly in foil and heat in the oven until hot, about 10 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mexican Corn Bread 2 eggs 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1 cup buttermilk 1/3 cup oil 2 ??“ 4 chopped jalapeno peppers 2 Tablespoons chopped bell peppers 1/2 cup chopped green onions 1-1/2 cups self-rising corn meal 1 cup cream style corn 1 cup grated cheddar cheese Mix everything together except cheese. Pour half batter in pan. Sprinkle half cheese and pour rest of batter, then the rest of the cheese. Bake at 450 degrees for 30 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can birth control cause your periods to
become Bellies Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
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