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March24, 2006 - The Daily Funnies >> |
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From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers THURSDAY MARCH 23,2006 A priest and rabbi were debating
the various merits of
their faith as they flew from New York to Miami. Circling the airport the captain announced that there was a mechanical problem and the wheels would not open for landing. Further they were out of fuel and would have to land. He announced that it would be rough but the runway had been foamed and they should do alright. As the plane skidded wildly down the runway and the passengers screamed and sobbed the priest noticed that the rabbi was crossing himself. When the plane had safely stopped and they were preparing to deplane the priest looked at the rabbi and said I noticed that when the chips were really down you came around and were making the sign of the cross. The rabbi said rubbish
I was just checking.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Information. Can I Help
You"
"One moment, please.' Pause. "I'm sorry,
sir. I have no listing for Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an
organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir, I have no listing for a
Theodore Guild."
"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is
theater! T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, sir, is not the way Theodore is
spelled."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "SOUTHERN
WOMEN"
Southern woman appreciate their natural
assets:
Clean skin. A winning smile. That unforgettable Southern drawl Southern women know their
manners:
"Yes, ma'am." " Yes, sir." " Why, NO, Mark!!!" Southern women know their vacation
spots:
The beach The beach The beach Southern women have a distinct way with
fond
expressions: "Y'all come back!" "Well, bless your heart.." "Drop by when you can." " How's your Momma?" "Love your hair." Southern women know their summer weather
report:
Humidity Humidity Humidity Southern women know their three
R's:
Rich Richer Richest Southern women know the joys of June,
July,
and August: Summer tans Wide brimmed hats Strapless sun dresses Southern women know everybody's first
name:
Honey Darlin' Shugah Southern women know the movies that
speak
to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes Driving Miss Daisy Steel Magnolias Gone With The Wind Southern girls know their prime real
estate:
The Mall The Country Club The Beauty Salon Southern women know their
religions:
Methodist Baptist Football Southern women know their country
breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy GRITS Country ham Mouth watering homemade biscuits Southern women know their cities dripping
with
Southern charm: Charleston Savannah New Orleans Birmingham Southern women know their elegant
gentlemen:
Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos Rhett Butler, of course Southern girls know the three deadly
sins:
Bad hair Bad manners Bad blind dates Southern girls know men may come and
go,
but friends are forevah! Now Shugah, send this to some girls who
were
raised in the South or wish they had been. If you're a male, you hug that Southern
woman
of yours and say "I'm a lucky man!" And men remember, if she doesn't wink
back
she's not Southern! If you're a northern transplant, FAKE
it....
we know you got here as fast as you could.....!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now You Know What's Wrong With the Economy..... A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You say you served in the Army?" said the restaurant manager, as he sampled the new cook's first soup. "Yes, sir. Officer's cook for two years and wounded twice." "You're lucky, man. It's a wonder they didn't kill you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! No one will ever find us. We're going to die!" The second man was sitting at the water's edge and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said. "You don't understand this is Mahattan Island and we are only two blocks from the subway !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bookstore featured special events for children and families. One day a group of actors appeared dressed in medieval costumes. One was wearing a full suit of armor. A young boy stood very still and stared at the armored knight. "Dad," he asked, "is he their goalie?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Quickies **** A big-city boy visiting
his cousin in the Florida Everglades was touring some of the swamplands. "Is it
true that alligators won't attack if you carry a flashlight?" he nervously
asked. His cousin smiled and said, "It depends on how fast you carry the
flashlight!" A man walks into
his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with
me." 
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **************************************************** "YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too tall to fit your legs under the desk!" Have you ever heard of news as weird as this? Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free subscription of "Weirdo News" now! **************************************************** The Rambo Granny of Melbourne,
Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off
when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week hunting those men down --
and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by
God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to
kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through. The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after
her
granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects
and
Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot
a
picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed
up
pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in. Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. **** Cause of memory loss
identified "TAKE MY SON"
A wealthy man and his son loved to
collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso
to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the
son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing
another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only
son.
About a month later, just before
Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a
large package in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I
am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day,
and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he
died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man
held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift." The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected. The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the
son The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this
picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was
silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted. "Will
somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to
see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the
real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The
son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back
of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10
for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters." "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments
for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!" A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct
this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed
to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would
be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets
everything!"
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die
on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son,
who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son
gets everything.
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS
ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE
Do whatever you like, but remember that
maybe "one" of the people you may take the time to send this to, may be just the
person who needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make."
God
Bless.
**** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY -
Save 35%
Jim Anglin, writer of ???Ashes Of Love??? and ???One
By One,??? born Ray and Carrie Cash moved their family to
Dyess, AR 1935. David Grisman, Bluegrass/mandolinist/composer
born Al Dexter??™s ???Guitar Polka??? topped the charts in
1946. Hank and Audrey Williams recorded ???The Pale
Horse And His Rider,??? 1951. Wilma Lee & Stoney Cooper, perform for the
last time as members of the WWVA Wheeling Jamboree,
1957. Jimmy Skinner signed with Starday Records,
1963. Merle Haggard recorded ???Jesus, Take A Hold???
1969. Ken Maynard, Singing Cowboy actor, age 77, died
in Waylon & Willie??™s ???Mamas Don??™t Let Your
Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys,??? topped the charts in
1978 Willie Nelson and Ray Charles??™ ???Seven Spanish
Angels??? hit #1 in 1985. Emmylou Harris??™ ???Quarter Moon In A Ten Cent
Town,??? certified gold 1988. Barbara Mandrell gave a farewell concert at the
Grand Ole Opry House 1997. She then retired from the music industry, and
moved to The Ryman Auditorium hosted a memorial service for
Waylon Jennings in 2002. Travis Tritt and Billy Ray Cyrus embraced on stage,
ending a long running feud.
1 Lb. ground beef
1/2 c. chopped celery 1/2 c. onion 1/4 c. chopped green pepper 1 can condensed tomatoe soup 1 tsp. prepared mustard 1 1/2 c. biscuit mix 1/3 c. cold water 3 slices (about 3 ounces) process cheese, cut in half diagonally In 10" oven-proof skillet, brown beef and cook
celery, onion, and green pepper until tender (use shortening if necessary).
Stir to seperate meat; drain well. Stir in soup and mustard. Combine biscuit mix and water; roll or pat dough into a circle slightly smaller than skillet. Spread meat mixture evenly in skillet; top with biscuit dough. Bake at 450 degrees for 15 minutes or until browned. Turn upside down on plater. Top with cheese. Cut in wedges and serve. Serves 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Does pluc
86905/126962_fplucking.jpg
You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.
Refrigerator Magnet Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas
on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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No, plucking does not make hair grow back thicker! it is just a common
misconception that it does, because when you pluck or shave a hair, it sometimes
grows back darker. This is only because that hair has not been bleached by the
sun, so it looks darker, and therefore sometimes thicker.
