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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 THURSDAY MARCH 24,2006


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:It's a good idea that kids in Little League are exposed to umpires that are never wrong and always win arguments. It helps prepare them for marriage.

**** Quickies ****
Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.
~
A blond guy sees a truck loaded with rolled-up sod going by. He says, "I hope I get rich enough some day so that I can have my lawn sent out to be mowed.
~
Q: How do you cure bed wetting?

A: An electric Blanket.
~
A man walked into the barber's and said, "I'd like to have my hair cut like Tom Cruises's." The barber started clipping away like crazy.

"Are you sure you know what Tom Cruise looks like?" asked the customer.

"Of course I do!" snapped the barber. "I saw him twice in The King and I."
~
I wonder if other women feel the same way as I do?

An argument with my husband/boyfriend tends to make me want to
clean something...

With his toothbrush!
~
The news reported that It was so cold in New York City today that
some of the cabbies had to get treated for frostbite of their
middle finger
~"If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh,
you might as well start laughing now."
~
Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined.
~
It was Alexander Graham Bell who invented the telephone, but it was the teenager who invented the busy signal.
~
An athlete won a gold medal in the Olympics and was so proud of it that he took it right to a shop in town and had it bronzed.
~
Last week my boyfriend switched from Head & Shoulders to Mop & Glow.

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**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

Suspect Hangs On For Ride Of His Life

TORONTO - A suspect trying to evade police officers picked the
wrong spot to hide. He climbed underneath a parked tractor-trailer
which suddenly started moving down Highway 401 before he could
let go. He clung to the trailer until a motorist driving by
noticed him hanging below the truck and called police. Officers
had to perform a risky vehicle stop with cruisers fanning out to
stop other vehicles. After they stopped the trucker, who wasn't
aware of his extra load, they arrested the man. "I'm amazed that
this young man is still alive, to be honest with you," Ontario
Provincial Police Const. Joel Doiron said. The man had been a
suspect in an investigation over a stolen car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man Has Lawn To Kill For
BATAVIA, Ohio - Here's one reason to avoid walking on other people's
lawns: you might get killed. A 15-year-old boy was shot and killed
by his neighbor after he walked across his yard. The killer,
66-year-old Charles Martin, was described by neighbors as being
devoted to his well-kept lawn. A 911 tape recorded Martin as saying,
"I just killed a kid." Martin also told a dispatcher, "I've been
harassed by him and his parents for five years. Today just blew it
up." The victim, Larry Mugrage, was Martin's neighbor. Police report
that Martin and Mugrage had previous arguments over the yard. After
arguing again Sunday, Martin waited outside when Mugrage returned
and shot him twice. He then called 911, said officials.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story you are about to read is true.  The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminals for today come from Benicia, California, where two
bozos had big plans to hold up the local credit union. They donned
ski masks and rushed into the First Pacific Credit Union around
noon. With handguns drawn, our bozos ordered the employees to lie
down on the floor and then instructed one of them to hand over
all the money. And that's when things started to go downhill. You
see, there was no money to be had. Our bozos had chosen to rob
what's known as a "cashless credit union" where all money is
deposited directly into a vault that is inaccessible to credit
union employees. Oops...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's
report. From Suffolk, Virginia comes the story of bozo David Lee
Nations who walked into a bank along with an accomplice and demanded
money from a teller.  He grabbed the loot and then ran outside to
his getaway car. It was then that he realized that his partner had
the keys to the car. Oops.  And his partner was still inside the
bank. Double oops. He rushed back to the bank to find the doors
now locked. Triple oops. He's under arrest. His accomplice, who
got locked in the bank, is cooperating with the police and has
not been charged.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

When Cleaning Really Pays Off...

NEW ORLEANS - A volunteer who was spending her spring break cleaning
out homes damaged by Hurricane Katrina found something unusual
among the moldy debris...stacks and stacks of $100 bills. "I started
raking it out of the air conditioner vent. I thought it was garbage
and I was going to shovel it up, but I bent down to pick it up, and
it was a stack of $100 bills, and then more and more kept coming,"
19-year-old college student Trista Wright said. The pile of cash
ended up totaling more than $30,000. Wright and other students told
the organizers of their church mission, who let the St. Bernard
Parish Sheriff's Office know. The owner of the home, a woman who
asked to not be identified, was just as surprised as Wright.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Viagra Helps Stallion Horse Around

BERLIN - A German court solved the problem of a new owner who
refused to pay the full price for a stallion he claimed was impotent
- it ordered Viagra to be given to the horse. The buyer of the
horse named Vedor claimed the stallion had only one testicle and
wouldn't get frisky with a female pony. After an examination, a
vet found the testicle, said court spokesman Egbert Simons. Once
the horse was given the potency drug Viagra, he became fully
functional. The court ordered the buyer to pay the full price.
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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office. "Our tests
indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and there is every
indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can that be,
doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a double-date
in my life."

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Medicare claims centers to be revamped  

WASHINGTON, - Three companies have been selected to over-  
haul Medicare's claims processing centers under a contract  
valued at nearly $2 billion. The EDS Corp., IBM Corp., and  
Companion Data Services, a BlueCross-BlueShield of South  
Carolina subsidiary, will participate in the 10-year  
modernization project being initiated by the Centers for  
Medicare and Medicaid Services, or CMS, The Washington Post  
reported Monday. Plans call for the 22 CMS data centers to  
be consolidated into four enterprise data centers, handling  
all Medicare and Medicaid software applications. CMS  
estimates the four enterprise data centers will reduce costs  
by more than $45 million annually. EDS is CMS's largest pro-  
vider of data center operations and claims processing, while  
IBM holds contracts for CMS's Healthcare Integrated General  
Ledger Accounting System, Medicare Claims Data Center 1,  
Common Working File redesign, Medicare Statistical Informa-  
tion System/National Medicare Utilization Database, and Risk  
Adjustment System projects. Data Services provides Medicare  
claims processing for outpatient, hospital, medical equip-  
ment, rural health clinic, home health and hospice services.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
   
 CRACK A WALNUT FOR GOOD HEART HEALTH  

Nutrition specialists say walnuts are a good source of poly-  
unsaturated essential omega-3 fatty acids, thought to promote  
heart health. The type of omega-3s found in walnuts and other  
plant sources, such as flaxseed and dark leafy field greens,  
are different from the type found in fish but have similar  
benefits, says Penny Kris-Etherton, a professor at Penn State  
University. The American Heart Association recommends eating  
fish at least two times a week, but the National Marine  
Fisheries Service reports most Americans consume only about  
one serving per week. Walnuts and other plant food can be  
used to make up the difference, says Frank Hu, associate  
professor of nutrition and epidemiology at Harvard School of  
Public Health. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

COMPOUND MAY HELP PREVENT DIABETES  

Animal research suggests a compound, if added to fast food,  
may help prevent diabetes. Agriculture Department chemists  
have identified a form of soluble cellulose that, if added  
to high-fat food, appears to slow down fat absorption and  
reduce the likelihood of developing insulin resistance, a  
precursor to type 2 diabetes, they reported at a meeting of  
the American Chemical Society. HPMC (hydroxypropylmethyl  
cellulose) is used as an additive in many foods and drugs,  
mostly to provide texture. Adding it to hamburgers, pizza,  
hot dogs and other high-fat foods might serve as a novel  
line of defense against diabetes, the researchers say.  


**** ON THIS DAY ****

Pea story

Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr.Miller and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. Sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not zackley. but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now,at last,when Jim could not change his mind about colour or size....they came to pay their debt."


"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho "

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles..A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work. The fastest line at the grocery store. A good sing-along song on the radio. Your keys right where you left them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CARL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
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Subject Line--- The Funnies
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 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Mayfield, Labonte on edge

Q&A preview: Fight for positioning in standings hits Bristol.

Story

Same target for Wheldon

Defending IRL champ aims to repeat with new Ganassi team.

Story

Bracing for Bristol

NASCAR team reports as Cup tour makes short-track stop.

Story

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**** COUNTRY CALANDER ****

1868 Fiddlin' John Carson born in Fannin County, Ga.  

1903 Songwriter Jay Johnson ("Blue Christmas") born in  
Ellis, Kan.  

1913 Jim Anglin, writer of "One by One" and "Ashes of  
Love," born in Franklin, Tenn.  

1915 Fiddler Homer "Pappy" Sherrill born in Sherrill's  
Ford, N.C.  

1945 Mandolinist David Grisman born in Passaic, N.J.  
  
1996 J.D. Miller, writer of "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky  
Tonk Angels," died in Lafayette, La., at age 73  
  
1963 Jimmie Skinner signed with Starday Records  
  
1988 Emmylou Harris' Quarter Moon in a Ten Cent Town  
album certified gold  
  
1957 Wilma Lee and Stoney Cooper perform for the last  
time as members of the WWVA Wheeling Jamboree  
  
1951 Hank and Audrey Williams recorded "The Pale Horse  
and His Rider" for MGM 


 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

George Jones Remains on His Own Record Label  

George Jones remains signed to Bandit Records but is the  
subject of an upcoming tribute album from Category 5  
Records, a new independent label. Last week, a publicist  
representing Category 5 issued a press release announcing  
Jones had joined the company's roster. Although Jones  
agreed to record one song for the tribute project, he has  
not exited Bandit, the label he co-founded in 2001.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheryl Crow Reschedules Some Tour Dates  

Sheryl Crow will resume touring June 12 in Indianapolis.  
She underwent "minimally invasive" surgery Feb. 22 for  
breast cancer and has been receiving radiation treatment  
as a preventative measure. Singer-songwriter Jack Ingram  
will join Crow for the June dates which will conclude at  
Atlanta's Fox Theater on June 27. According to Crow's Web  
site, tickets purchased for shows postponed will be valid  
for the rescheduled shows. Crow will also join the Dave  
Matthews Band for two shows July 7-8 at Boston's Fenway  
Park.   
 

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

CHICKEN POT PIE CASSEROLE   

3 med chicken breasts (or turkey), cooked and cubed  
1/4 cup butter  
1/3 cup flour  
1 small onion, chopped  
1/4 tsp. pepper  
1 1/2 cups chicken broth  
1/2 cup milk  
12-ounce package frozen mixed vegetables, cooked  
1/4 cup chicken gravy (optional)  
2 regrigerated pie crusts  

DIRECTIONS: Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Take out pie  
crusts to get to room temperature. In saucepan, simmer  
butter and onion till soft. Stir in flour and pepper,  
and cook till bubbly. Slowly stir in broth and milk,  
a little at a time... heat to boil, stirring constantly.  
Boil 1 minute. Add chicken, veggies, and gravy. Unroll  
1st pie crust, cut into 4 pieces sections, then cover  
bottom of a 9x13 baking dish. Spoon chicken filling over  
crust. Unroll 2nd crust and slice into 3/4" strips.  
Lay 1/2 of the strips on a diagonal in one direction  
about 1/2" apart and longest strips in the middle. Lay  
the other 1/2 of the strips in the other direction to  
cover creating a lattice effect like a pie. Bake on a  
cookie sheet 40-45 minutes or until crust is golden brown.  
Let stand apx 10 minutes before serving.  

* You could also just lay the entire top crust over  
filling in one piece and just cut several slits in the  
top. Or, if using 2 frozen round pie crusts with tin  
fill first one, then invert the 2nd one to cover and  
remove tin. Press together to seal and cut several slits  
in the top to vent.  Yield: 6 Servings
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