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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG Welcome New
Subscribers THURSDAY MARCH 30,2006
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?" --Craig Ferguson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A leak in the Alaskan Pipeline last week spilled 265,000 gallons of crude oil into the artic tundra. British petroleum, the company that runs The oil operation, said that the spill was too small to be detected by their maintenance equipment. But just large enough to rise the price of gas fifteen cents a gallon this week." --Jay Leno ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A boy came home from school looking forlorn. His mother asked why. Her son replied, "Today when I told my teacher I was an only child, she said, thank goodness!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John was adjusting his tie in front of the mirror tonight before this awards dinner and he asked his wife, "Honey, how many great men do you think there are in the world today?" "One less than you think," his wife replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English
literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new
knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into
the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always
was a little hard
to
swallow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A newly arrived soul in Heaven was met by St. Peter. The saint toured the soul around Heaven. Both of them walked side by side inside a large workroom filled with angels. St. Peter stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all the petitions to God said in prayer are received". The soul looked at the section, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets from all the people of the world. They walked again until they reached the 2nd section, and St. Peter told the soul, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are packed and delivered to the persons who asked for them down on earth." The soul saw how busy it was. There were so many angels working in that room, since so many blessing were being packed and delivered to Earth. Finally at the farthest corner of the room, the soul stopped at the last section. To the surprise of the soul, only one angel stayed there idly, doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledging Section," St. Peter told the soul. "How is it that, there is no work here?" "That's the sad thing," St. Peter answered. "After the people received the blessings they asked for, very few send their acknowledgments". "How does one acknowledge God's blessing?" "Simple," St. Peter answered. "Just say, "'Thank you, Lord'." Thank you Lord, for giving me the chance to share this message with others and also, for giving me so many wonderful people to share this with. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep .. you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace .. you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness . . you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ..you are more blessed than three billion people in the world. If your parents are still alive and still married .. you are very rare,. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful .. you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder .. you are blessed because you can offer healing touch. If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that.. someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are. THANK YOU LORD! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile. Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: "Ice 75 cents." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those." "I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "What's for lunch?" my husband asked as I worked in the garden. "Whatever you prepare," I replied curtly. "Imagine I'm dead. What would you do then?" "Okay," he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. "Very well," he replied. "I had a great salad." "What about me?" I asked. "I thought you were dead," he said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right through me and started screaming: "I can't see! I can't see!" I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness. "How long has this been going on?" I asked his mother. Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front of his television." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young American was visiting Arabia. While there, he figured he'd fulfil a life long desire to ride across the desert sands on a majestic white stallion, so he went to Abdul's Camel and White Stallion Rentals and picked out his horse. He also rented a flowing white headress (with a concealed Walkman, so he could listen to "Achey Breaky Song" as he thumped across the dunes). Off he went into the desert, feeling every bit like Lawrence of Arabia. After awhile, he spotted something in the sand ahead, and he galloped towards it. He found a woman of almost mystic beauty buried up to her neck in the sand. "Hey li'l darlin' - you speak 'merkan?" he asked her. "I speak English, sir" she replied. "Close enough. What are you doing there?" With a pitiful look, she said, "My husband put me here." "Well, why'd he do THAT for?" She looked away from him. "Because.... I was unfaithful to him." "Oh!" The Texan was getting very interested. "So, how long ya gotta stay there for?" Quietly, "Until I die." "Hmmmm...." He jumped off his horse. "So li'l missy, what's in it for me if'n I dig you out?" "Sand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break. When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 101/2 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him. "Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated flawlessly - it sent him a penguin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and the guy wanted to get his girl some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, he was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. He remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed through the crowd of women. "Hey you!" an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like a gentleman!" "That's what I have been doing," He retorted, "But since that isn't working out for me, I'm gonna now act like you ladies!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill says he and his wife have structured conversations. "Frst, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My brother asked an elderly friend
of his, recently
widowed, what she'd do now for transportation since she didn't know how to drive. "Oh, I'll learn," she replied.
"It'll be easy for me
because I always told my husband what to do anyway." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." - -David Letterman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The problem with being retired is that you never know what day it is, where you're supposed to be, or what you're supposed to be doing. It's much like working for the federal government. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My plan to eliminate nuclear war is to make missiles so complicated that they can't be fired. This can be accomplished by having the instructions written by the same guys who write the tax forms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYERS Q. You are stranded on a desert island when 3 boats approach. In one is a cannibal, in the 2nd a head hunter and in the 3rd an attorney. You have a gun, but only 2 bullets! What do you do? A. Shoot the attorney, twice. Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? A. God doesn't think he's an attorney. Q. How is a lawyer like a pickpocket? A. Need you ask. Q. What is the first thing you should do after running over an attorney? A. Back up. Q. Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic? A. Because he can't pass the bar. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger? A. A mugger uses a gun. Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. How many can you afford? Q. A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and Santa Claus are at a table with $1000 in the center. The lights go out and the $1000 is missing. Who took it? A. The high priced lawyer. The other 2 are imaginary characters. Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer? A. His partners. Q. How does a pregnant woman know when she's carrying a future lawyer? A. She has a craving for bologna. Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it. Q. Did you hear about the new Sushi bar that caters to lawyers? A. It's called Sosumi. Q. If one useless man is called a disgrace. What are two called? A. A lawfirm. Lawyer: A member of that profession dedicated to protecting you from other members of that profession. One dishonest man is a thief. Two make a lawfirm and three make a congress. Q. What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. **** Quickies **** It's a wise father who burns all his old report
cards. Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **************************************************** "YOU'RE FIRED! Coz you're too tall to fit your legs under the desk!" Have you ever heard of news as weird as this? Send blank email to 46508-subscribe@zinester.com for free subscription of "Weirdo News" now! ****************************************************  **** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID **** Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mellrichstadt, Germany where police raided the home of a suspected drug dealer. After an initial search turned up empty, the police were getting ready to leave when one of them noticed our bozo's pet mouse, Mickey. Poor Mickey was passed out, lying on his back in his cage. Upon further inspection it was discovered that Mickey was simply stoned, after nibbling at the stash of marijuana that had been hidden in his cage. Our bozo, like his mouse, is now behind bars. **** WEIRD HAPPENINS **** BEWARE Four burgers at his neighborhood Burger King cost a California man a whopping $4,334.33. Gerry Bean ordered two Whopper Jr.s and two cheeseburgers when he pulled up to the drive-through window last week. The cashier, however, forgot that she'd entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones - thus creating a four-figure bill. The electronic charge went through to Gerry and Patti Bean's Bank of America checking account and left the couple penniless. The restaurant manager, said "Burger King officials tried to get the charge refunded. But the bank said the funds were on a three-day hold and could not be released." The hold is designed to prevent customers from spending money that no longer is available in their accounts and to let the bank confirm a transaction is legitimate before transferring funds, said a Bank of America supervisor. Burger King did not charge the Beans for their meal, and the couple got their $4,334.33 back on Friday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Low fat camel's milk chocolate is due to hit your dairy shelves after an Austrian chocolate maker joined forces with an Arabic camel farm. Company head Nahor Hochleitner said, "We have come so far and what was once thought of as a crazy idea has become a huge project." According to Hochleitner camel's milk is a good alternative to cow's milk because it is lower in fat and sweeter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A flying saucer school teaching UFO-spotters how to react if they meet an alien has opened in Russia. According to Tatiana Markova, chairwoman of the Commission, the school was opened in response to renewed local interest in the paranormal. "We teach people how to spot a flying saucer, where you should go to see one and how to react if you meet an extraterrestrial." And she added that after students learn the theory of 'Ufology' they are taken out into the field to practice their skills. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A German woman is threatening legal action after her aunt "stole her grave" and was buried in it instead. Christa Jahn bought a grave right next to her husband and expec- ted to be able to rest in peace next to her beloved. But she says she was shocked to learn her husband's family had buried his sister in her grave. The widower said: "When I went to lay fresh flowers on my husband's grave, I saw in horror that the grave next to his, which I paid for with my own money, was taken by his sister." "Now I understand why I wasn't invited to her funeral this January. It was an evil plot to snatch my grave." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Two
Brothers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ March 29, 2006: Little Big Town will join John
Mellencamp as the opening act for his spring tour starting tomorrow in
Evansville, Ind.
March 29, 2006: Monique LeCompte was given her
walking papers on Nashville Star Tuesday, cutting the field to 7
contestants.
March 28, 2006: Joe Nichols' CD, "III" was
certified gold by the Recording Industry Association of America, as announced
today by Universal Records South's Senior Partners Tim DuBois and Tony Brown,
meaning the disc has sold more than 500,000 copies.
March 27, 2006: Veteran Texas singer/songwriter Guy
Clark inked a deal with Dualtone with an album due this summer.
1-? pound ground beef
2 teaspoons salt 2 teaspoons sugar 1 can (16 ounces) tomatoes 1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce 2 cloves of garlic, crushed pepper to taste 1 package (8 ounce) thin noodles, cooked 1 cup sour cream 3 oz. cream cheese, softened 3 green onions, chopped grated cheese Brown ground beef in skillet, stirring until
crumbly. Pour off drippings.
Add next 6 ingredients, mixing well.
Cook for 10 minutes.
Combine remaining ingredients except cheese in
bowl, mixing well.
Layer noodle mixture and ground beef mixture
alternately in greased casserole until all ingredients are used.
Top with cheese.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 35
minutes.
Why are all important mafia bosses called
Don? Special Delivery Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer :All of my materials are Borrowed
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and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright n any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@earthlink.net or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438
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It is a title in Spain (Don/Dona) and Italy (Don/Donna) descending from Latin
"dominus," master, lord. For example, if a mafia boss was named Joe Ravioli he
would be Don Ravioli. It is also cognate with French/British/Portuguese Dom/Dame
and British Dan (judge).