Donald was convinced that he is a mouse! All his family
and friends were trying to convince him otherwise, but
to no avail. So the final option was to take him to a
psychologist.

The doctor and Donald spent a bit over a year on the
treatment, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Finally one
day:

Doctor: What are you, my son?

Donald: I am a man, Doc.

Doctor: So you not a mouse?

Donald: A mouse? Ha! Ha! Ha! No way, Doc. I am human!

Everybody along with the psychologist went out that
night for a party to celebrate this great achievement.
On the way to the bar, Donald sees a cat on the street.
He gets all scared and hides behind the car.

Doctor: Oh my God Donald! Don't you know that you are
not a mouse?

Donald: Yes Doc. I know I am not a mouse. But does the
kitty know I am not a mouse too?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three people were trying to get into heaven.
Peter asked the first, "Who's there?" "It's
me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter
let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second
same question, "Who's there?" "It's me, Charlie
Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same
question, "Who's there?" "It is I, Verla Chapman,"
answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of
those English teachers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.

One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed.

Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door

"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love how the government keeps telling us that the weather affects gasoline prices.

For example, when the weather was rainy and cold, it takes more fuel to heat homes, so the price of oil goes up.

And when the weather is warm and sunny, well, then people take more vacations -- they drive further and use more gas.

And the only time weather makes the price go down is when it 'snows in hell.' That's about the only time. - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a fur store the woman says to the saleslady "Will a small deposit hold it until my husband does something unforgivable?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hangover is something to occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it that we travel hundreds of miles to get away from everyone at home and then send them postcards that say, "Wish you were here" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man dropped in on his neighbor and found the neighbor's wife watching the baseball game. He was amazed, he said, to discover that she was a baseball fan. "I'm not, really," she answered. "But when Joe goes out to the kitchen, I'm the designated watcher."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes.

Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.

"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doug: Do you wear the pants in your house?

Bill: I sure do! But you may not see them if I'm wearing too long an apron.
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A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early  
breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and  
coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them.  
Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day,  
the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead  
and eat his dinner too.  

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a  
second time and proceeded to eat.  

After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do  
today, you might as well eat your supper now too."  

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate  
a third time and continued to eat.  

Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man  
pushed back his chair & began to take off his shoes.  

"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.  

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[I know it's an old one, but it's a classic!]  

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the  
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his  
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four  
catfish.  

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and  
throw them at me, will you?"  

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"  

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."  

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."  

"But why?"  

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if  
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She  
prefers that for supper tonight."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.

"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.

"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.

"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.

"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.

Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George Washington never told a lie, because in those days, presidents didn't hold press conferences.

Why do speakers include the phrase, "Needless to say," then go ahead and say it?