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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

 MONDAY MAY 01,2006


Yeah pal, it's Monday already
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A father is a guy who has
snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be."

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No,
It
is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,
there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"! from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave!  It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really
big,  fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and
hollered
with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he   raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR TIDE COMPANY:

  I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it 
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

  Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a 
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how 
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood 
on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain 
detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

  After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid 
Tide With Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all 
of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by 
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

  Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered 
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

  What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a 
murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

  Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Fred~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A  man was walking home alone one foggy late October  night,

................the  coffin stops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During my midnight to 4 a.m. shift at a fast-food restaurant, I served a customer at our drive-through window. Before I could explain that we are locked in after midnight and so wouldn't be able to deliver his order, he volunteered to park and wait.

To my relief the next customer was a policeman. I explained my situation, and he offered to help. The officer pulled up behind the young man's car, turned on his PA system and yelled, "Your burger is ready!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Donna rides the bus to work every day. Today she's in some discomfort
because she has a pain in her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that
its just a tremendous build up of gas from something she ate. The bus is
quite crowded and she doesn't know what to do. Then she remembers that
pretty soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts and it will
rattle and bang and make lots of noise. She will be able to pass this
gas and nobody will know.
What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also rides the bus everyday
and has grown tired of all the noise the bus makes when it rattles and
bangs across the railroad tracts. So last night he stayed after work and
had the maintenance crew tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate
all the moving parts to quiet down the old bus. Well, here come the
railroad tracts, Donna raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was
one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus didn't rattle and bang like
it usually did and now you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as
everybody started looking around.
Donna thought that maybe no one knew who did it and that she should just
act natural. She thought she should just start a conversation with
someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned over to the man sitting
across the aisle and casually asked him, 'Do you have a ticket?' He
politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next tree we pass I will try
and grab you a handful of leaves....

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D.  D.V.M. ****

 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
In the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
Lady's' dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
That there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
And slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,” I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
Her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
Five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
That he had died of a "massive internal f ar t."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
Cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
With one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
Long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
Answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
Morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
To get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
The jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
Embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
Embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
Burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name


**** Reader's Submissions ****

Good morning from Chicago ... here are a few contributions for your GREAT Column.  But first I am sending an item that was forwarded to me and after I read it, I was livid.  -  I have to wonder where this country is headed.  Titled: 
"Missing Words...." 

SHALL WE HIRE A MONUMENT ENGRAVER TO GO TO ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY AND ADD THE MISSING WORDS ?