Archives at Zinester: The Daily Funnies. The Funnies. Humor & Jokes

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

Welcome New Subscribers
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY MAY 02,2006

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: You're only young once.
After that it takes some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

Modern Medicine.........
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The Texas doctor not to be outdone, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas; put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping
quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to
know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While
I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that
some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at
night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one
has ever
said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son
while pregnant with my second child. To kill some time, I began to watch
the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came
home to find the house in complete disarray and me plopped in front of
the TV. "So this is what you do while I'm working?" he said, smirking.
"It just happened to be on TV," I lied. The next evening we were
watching Bush's inauguration. As Bush stepped out of his limousine and
waved to reporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy! He won the car!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on
their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see
one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you
bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a
mother?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance
company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid
cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you
looking for a husband?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Ride"

A Navy Chaplain, a USAF Doctor & a Marine "JAG" officer (Lawyer) were
in
a boat near an island, had lost their oars, and their boat was
surrounded by sharks.

They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one was
going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction out towards
the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.

The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly
swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat &
headed strong for the island. The two made it and looked towards the
open sea to see how the other man was doing.

To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark! The
shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer then waved to
the sharks who swim away.

The Chaplain said, "It's a miracle!"

The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that
trick off!"

To which the JAG Officer replied, "Nah, it was just a professional
courtesy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law
overheard a patriotic father pointing out a well-known
building to his son. "You see that triangular-shaped
octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat Problem

We've all had trouble with our animals,
but I don't think anyone can top this one...
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling
that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion,
I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on
the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given
in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after
breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen,
"Honey! The garbage disposal is
dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested
through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it
starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon,
it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck
naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how
I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted
down and stuck my head under
the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any
respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I reached under the
sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them
with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full
weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament,
choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience.

I was fleeing straight up into the air when the
sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Now there are not
many things in this life worse than finding
oneself lying on the kitchen
floor buck naked in front of a group of
"been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife,
the paramedics were all snorting loudly
as they tried to conduct their work,
all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter ,
and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later
I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was
too painful to talk about,
which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked,
"Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "hangy-down thing" and
he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dentist: "Try to relax-I`ll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It`ll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where I used to work, we had a jar full of candy bars to give to children while their parents were filling out necessary paper work.

After I was given permission by the mother to offer one to her daughter, I held the dish down for her to make her choice. After choosing, her mother gave her a stern look and asked, "What do you say to the nice lady?"

The little girl then looked sweetly at me and said, "May I please have two?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says:
"I`m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says,
"There`s a calendar behind you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello." The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear, "I replied, "but I have to tell you you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don't have any daughter at all."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quavering voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A driver is stuck in traffic on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly
A man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened"

The man replied, "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy,
Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average"

"......Oh, about a gallon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS
PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah
"hey" for us -- ya hear?
Have a great day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fr O'Malley
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Egyptland parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom and took a deep
breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate
for assistance
The conversation went like: "Good morning. This is Senator Teddy Kennedy.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter? Senator Kennedy,
considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now
father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then
replied "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog Owner's Prayer

O Lord don't let me once forget
How I love my trusty pet.

Help me learn to disregard
Canine craters in my yard.

Show me how to be a buddy
Even when my sofa's muddy.

Don't allow my pooch to munch
Postal carriers for lunch.

Shield my neighbor's cat from view�
Guide my steps around the doo.

Train me not to curse and scowl
When it's puppy's night to howl.

Grant I shan't awake in fear
With a cold nose in my ear.

Give me patience without end�
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his
wife.

He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.

What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said,

"How about two minutes of silence?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Amy

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Linda. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother-in-law, Don, has a boat that requires two people to sail it. When my sister couldn't accompany him one weekend, my brother, Barry, said he would go. When asked if he had sailed before, Barry answered that he had. Don was delighted.

As soon as they had set sail from the dock, however, it was apparent that Barry had no idea what to do. "I thought you said you had sailed before," Don complained.

"I have," replied Barry. "I took the ferry over to Lewes, Delaware, once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Graduation Day for my son, Mick, was approaching, and I was worried about where the money would come from to cover the expenses. I breathed a sigh of relief once his tuxedo, limo, cruise, dinner and dance were covered, and secretly felt relieved that he was going unaccompanied. But then he announced he had a date.

Concerned that I wouldn't be able to afford the extra expense, I said: "Oh, Mick. How much more is that going to cost?"

"Hardly anything, Mom," he happily announced. "You just have to buy a croissant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A co-worker and I were agreeing that people are often unsure of what to call women working as letter carriers for the post office. She told me how one elderly gentleman on her route had resolved the problem. One day when she approached his home, he remarked, "Well, here comes my postal packin' momma!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years." "Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?" "I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,NOT ON
THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH
TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL

BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. I JUST DID.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** Quickies ****

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.
~
Before their marriage, Jeff told Pat he was unworthy of her. He should
have kept it a secret -- then it would have come as a complete surprise.
~
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives
in when he is right ... is married.
~
The Department of Homeland Security announced they will be ready to deal with hurricanes in the future. Like today, they called their cable company and ordered the weather channel."

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**** Visiting Doc Taz M.D. D.V.M. ****

Bizarre Facts About the Human Body

Your brain weighs around three pounds. All but ten ounces is
water.

It takes 200,000 frowns to make a permanent wrinkle.

If you stub your toe, your brain will register pain in 1/50
a second.
[How many times did someone have to stub their toe to figure
this out?]

The cartilage in your nose doesn't stop growing. Expect it
to grow 1/2 inch longer and wider as you age.

Bone is about four times stronger than steel. It can endure
24,000 pounds of pressure per square inch.

The average adult has about 18 square feet of skin.

To say one word, you use over 70 muscles.

Women have a more developed sense of smell than men do.

There are over 200 taste buds on each of the small bumps on
your tongue.*

**** HEALTH NEWS ****

New test touted for Hepatitis C victims

ROCKVILLE, Md., -- Rockville, Md.-based Celera Genomics
said Wednesday it has developed a genetic test to help
determine which Hepatitis C sufferers are at greatest
risk. The test that focuses on seven genes is intended
to predict which of the nearly 4 million U.S. residents
with Hepatitis C are most likely to develop cirrhosis or
cancer, and those that can avoid the estimated $30,000
annual cost to take drug cocktails. "The current thera-
pies to treat hepatitis C are fairly noxious," Dr. Scott
Friedman of Mount Sinai School of Medicine told The New
York Times. "One of the tough decisions we face as clin-
icians is who should be treated with current antiviral
therapies and who can afford to wait," said Friedman, who
collaborated with Celera in devising the genetic test.
Celera President Kathy Ordonez said the company hopes to
license the test to a laboratory by the end of the year.
Celera planned to introduce its test Friday to a Vienna
meeting of the European Association for the Study of the
Liver.

Vaccine touted for dust mite allergies

ZURICH, Switzerland, -- Swiss biotechnology company Cytos
says it has developed a vaccine for allergies to dust
mites, which a U.S. agency says are found in "every home."
Dust mites eat flakes of skin, among other things, and
live in bedding, upholstered furniture and stuffed toys.
People with dust mite allergies react to the feces and
body parts left by the eight-legged non-biting creatures.
"Every home has dust mites," the U.S. Environmental Pro-
tection Agency's Web site says. Dust mite allergies also
are a common cause of asthma, the EPA says. Cytos said its
vaccine -- tested on 20 volunteers -- reduced dust mite-
induced allergic reactions 100-fold, while symptoms were
cut one-third and asthma attacks were eliminated. The
benefits persisted eight months after the inoculations,
Cytos said. The company told The Times of London it is
developing vaccines for other common allergies, including
hay fever.

Virtual forest measures navigation skills

BALTIMORE, -- U.S. scientists say a person's navigational
skills can be measured by using a virtual "forest" in which
peripheral vision losses are simulated. The Johns Hopkins
University study -- conducted with researchers from the
Lions Vision Center and the Wilmer Eye Institute --
involved varying the study participants' visual field of
view and recording several performance measures such as
walking time and path efficiency. Participants were then
identified as either "good navigators" or "poor navigators."
The results suggest poor navigators rely on visual informa-
tion to solve the task while good navigators are able to
use visual information in conjunction with an internal
representation of the environment, said lead researcher
Francesca Fortenbaugh. As a result of the differences, the
performance of the poor navigators improved more than the
performance of the good navigators as the amount of avail-
able visual information increased. The research is explain-
ed in the online Journal of Vision.

**** Reader's Submissions ****
If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American
Dolores
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not drilling in Alaska for oil is stupid.   Not using the most efficient
carburetion systems for engines is even dumber!    Having to use a
catalytic converter to burn unburned gas as it exhausts the vehicle's
engine is dumb.   Creating pollution unnecessarily, with out regard to
the health of society. is criminal at best.   Ignoring and/or hiding
improvements should be criminal, but unfortunately it is indeed a
business, financial and political decision.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY NOT HAVE THE OIL COMPANIES USE THEIR BILLIONS IN EXCESS PROFITS AND JUST
BUY MEXICO AND ADD IT TO THE UNION AS THE 51st STATE. - THEN NO WORRIES ABOUT
THE MAJORITY OF ILLEGAL ALIENS, EXCESS OIL PROFITS OR MEXICAN OIL IMPORTS. -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** ON THIS DAY ****

From Kyle
Please Take Me
I was driving to the grocery store just thinking of everything on my
list to do today. Taking the kids to soccer practice, cleaning the
house, getting groceries, getting the oil changed in the car, the
list went on and on. I was feeling overwhelmed and was already tired
before I had even gotten started."
On my way to the store I saw something horrible happen!! A train had
run into a car that was crossing the tracks. I thought "Oh no!, This
is horrible, there is no way the driver of that car could have
lived!!" I was the closest car to the tracks so I put my car in park
and got out. I ran over to the car and looked in and could not
believe what I was seeing. Tears came to my eyes and I just couldn't
take it. Inside the car was a woman driving that was obviously dead.
In the backseat was a baby in it's car seat bleeding everywhere and
next to the baby was a little girl who I guessed to be about 4 years
old and she was bleeding also. Just then the little girl spoke.
She said, "Is my mommy and baby sister okay?" I just looked at her
and said "Honey I don't know. There is a doctor on his way right
now." Just then the little girl started crying saying, "Don't take
my mommy and my baby sister - Take me with you too!! Please!!" She
was pleading at who knows what to take her - but take her where?? I
asked the little girl who she was talking to and she said, "Don't
you see? That Angel is taking my mommy and my baby sister! I want to
go with them too! My mommy is waving goodbye to me and she is
holding my baby sister and she is smiling!" The little girl started
to cry because she did not want to stay, she wanted to go with her
mommy and her baby sister. I felt so sorry for her. I didn't believe
in god and I thought to myself, where did an Angel come from? What
kind of God would take a mommy and a baby but not the little sister?
At that moment I saw the little girl start to smile so big as she
held her arms out to something, someone to pick her up. I thought to
myself that she must be delirious and maybe she is hurt worse than I
thought. Just then the little girl closed her eyes and slumped over
in her seat. She was dead! I couldn't be sad even though this was a
4 year old little girl that had just died. You wouldn't be sad
either if you could see that beautiful smile on her face! I guess
her mommy and baby sister came back to get her. That was also the
day that God came to get me - as that was the day that I became a
believer and turned my life over to the Living God.
- Unknown
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
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**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

Johnson takes Talladega

Dale Jr. met with dismay

Notes: Spin, engine trouble derail No. 8; Vickers shuffled out.

Story

Roth up an IRL rung

Driver-owner to make jump to IndyCar tour from support series.

Story

TV host injured in crash

Stock car crashes through fence, lands on photographer.

Story

'Ricky Bobby' hits home

NASCAR offers creative guidance for Ferrell comedy, out Aug. 4.

Capps puts lid on Force

Funny Car points leader ices third win of '06; Kalitta, Line prevail.

Gateway open for Bodine

Toyota pilot nabs second win in last three NASCAR Truck races.

Truex trumps Talladega

DEI driver wins Aaron's 312 in first Busch Series start of season.

Waltrip: I'm the decider

Says Toyota not pulling strings to woo drivers to new team.

Subscribe Today: Home Delivery of USA TODAY - Save 35%

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

1980 Loretta Lynn chosen Artist of the Decade by the
Academy of Country Music

1894 Sam McGee, long-time Grand Ole Opry member, born in
Franklin, Tenn.

1929 Sonny James born in Hackleburg, Ala.

1931 Singer-songwriter Jimmy Gately, who wrote "Bright
Lights and Country Music," born in Springfield, Mo.

1944 Rita Coolidge born in Nashville

1954 Singer-songwriter Don King born in Omaha, Neb.

1965 Alt.country singer-songwriter Wayne Hancock born in
Dallas

1967 Tim McGraw born in Delhi, La.

1993 Tracy Lawrence's "Alibis" hit No. 1 on the country
singles chart

1868 Thomas C. Dula (later immortalized in the ballad,
"Tom Dooley") hanged for the murder of Laura Foster in
Wilkes County, N.C.

1997 Gaylord Entertainment CEO E. W. "Bud" Wendell, former
Grand Ole Opry manager and now a member of the Country
Music Hall of Fame, retired

1996 Steve Earle's Copperhead Road album certified gold

1993 Charley Pride joined the Grand Ole Opry

1954 Andy Griffith debuted on the Grand Ole Opry

1957 The Louvin Brothers recorded classic "Making
Believe" for Capitol

1952 Flatt and Scruggs released "Old Salty Dog Blues"
on Mercury

1957 Minnie Pearl (Sarah Colley) appeared on NBC's This
Is Your Life

1967 Elvis Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu in Las
Vegas

1999 Charlie Robison married Emily Erwin of the Dixie
Chicks

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Ray Benson Taking Bob Wills Musical on Tour

Asleep at the Wheel's Ray Benson will present an original
musical based on Bob Wills' musical legacy in several
cities this year. A Ride With Bob, which Benson co-wrote
with Anne Rapp, will be staged in San Antonio (June 1-2),
Fort Worth, Texas (June 16-17), San Francisco (July 21-22)
and Washington (Sept. 22-24). In the musical, Benson is
visited by the spirit of Bob Wills, who shares his music
and personal stories during a late-night visit on the
Asleep at the Wheel bus. The production premiered last
year in Austin, Texas.

Brooks and Dunn, Lambert and McBride Added to ACM Show

Brooks and Dunn, Miranda Lambert and Martina McBride are
the latest additions to the list of performers at the
41st annual Academy of Country Music Awards show taking
place May 23 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Additionally,
Kelly Clarkson will join Rascal Flatts for a special
performance. Newly-announced presenters include late night
talk show host Craig Ferguson and CSI: Miami star Emily
Procter. NASCAR driver Tony Stewart will present Vince
Gill with the ACM/The Home Depot Humanitarian Award.
Previously-announced performers include Kenny Chesney,
Toby Keith, Sugarland and Carrie Underwood. Reba McEntire
will host the awards show telecast live on ABC.


May 1, 2006: May 1, 2006: Just when it seemed like there would be no more Johnny Cash recordings, more are in the offing.
"American V: A Hundred Highways," recording in the months leading up to his death on Sept. 12, 2003 with producer Rick Rubin, will be out July 4.
A previously unreleased slew of 49 songs, "Personal File," will be out later this month.
"American V" will be out on the American Recordings label through Lost Highway. It will include the last song Cash ever wrote.
Songs include "Help Me," a plea to God, the ballad "If You Could Read My Mind," "God's Gonna Cut You Down," a traditional spiritual, "Love's Been Good To Me," the heartrending "On The Evening Train," and "Further On (Up the Road)."
Songwriters for the tracks run the gamut from Hank Williams to Rod McKuen to Bruce Springsteen.
Two original Cash compositions are featured, "Like the 309" and "I Came to Believe."
"Like the 309" is the last song Cash wrote and, like his first recorded single, 1955's "Hey Porter," is a song that incorporates one of his favorite settings, trains: "Everybody take a look/See I'm doin' fine/Then load my box/On the 309."
"I Came to Believe" is a song he wrote and originally recorded earlier in his career, and addresses the pain of addiction and connecting to a higher power.
"I think that 'American V' may be my favorite of all of the albums in the American series," said Rubin, who produced all of them, in a press release. "It's different from the others, it has a much different character. I think that this is as strong an album as Johnny ever made."
The months following the May 2003 passing of his wife June Carter Cash, were among the most physically and emotionally painful times in Cash's life, but keeping focused on the recording of "American V: A Hundred Highways" proved to be his salvation.
Rubin remembers, "Johnny said that recording was his main reason for being alive, and I think it was the only thing that kept him going, the only thing he had to look forward to."
Cash and Rubin began recording the songs for "American V: A Hundred Highways" in 2002, on the day after they finished "American IV: The Man Comes Around" which was released that November.
Cash feared that "American IV" might be his last release, so Rubin suggested that he immediately begin writing and recording new material. Over the next eight months, songs were cut at Rubin's Los Angeles studio and in Nashville at Johnny's main home and at his cabin located across the road.
Due to Cash's frail health, Rubin arranged for an engineer and guitar players to always be on call for the days that Cash felt strong enough to work.
"He always wanted to work," said Rubin. "Every morning when he'd wake up, he would call the engineer and tell him if he was physically up to working that day. Our main concern was to get a great vocal performance. Johnny would record a song, send it to me, and I would build a new track up under it. In the past, at the end of this process, he'd come to L.A. And we'd go through everything together, he would re-record any vocal bits that needed re-recording. But this time, we didn't have that opportunity."
Last year, Rubin began going through these final recordings. He admitted, "I kind of dreaded doing it, after Johnny passed, going back and listening to it...it was difficult."
"With all of the albums Johnny and I made together, our goal was for each one to be the best it could possibly be, and that remained the case with 'American V,'" Rubin explained.
Eventually, Cash's long-time engineer David "Fergie" Ferguson, Heartbreakers Mike Campbell (guitars) and Benmont Tench (keyboards), and Smokey Hormel (guitars), all of whom had worked on previous albums in the American series, along with Matt Sweeney (guitars) and Johnny Polonsky (guitars) went into the studio.
"We felt Johnny's presence during the whole process through to the end," said Rubin. "It felt like he was directing the proceedings, and I know that the musicians all felt that as well. Almost all of the songs were cut solely to Johnny's original vocal tracks, the musicians all keyed off his voice and were playing to him, supporting the emotion of his performance. More than once, Fergie and I would look at each other and say 'Johnny would love this,' because it was so good and so different from anything we'd done before, we knew he would be excited by what was happening."
It was decided to wait to release "American V: A Hundred Highways" until the plethora of recent Cash releases was over. They included several packages of Cash's recordings as well as duets with his wife.
"These songs are Johnny's final statement," said Rubin. " They are the truest reflection of the music that was central to his life at the time. This is the music that Johnny wanted us to hear."

**** Amy's Kitchen ****

Hawaiian Spareribs

4 to 5 pounds pork spareribs
boiling, salted water to cover
1 cup pineapple juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon curry powder

Parboil spareribs in water for about 20 minutes. Make a marinade with the
remaining ingredients. Drain water from spareribs, pour on marinade, and
refrigerate for 1 to 6 hours, turning to re-coat once or twice. Barbecue or broil
the spare ribs 4 to 6 inches from the heat, for a total of about 30 minutes.
Or you can bake the spareribs at 425 degrees F, turning once, for a total of
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAWAIIAN CHICKEN

Boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 sm. can pineapple juice (6 oz.)
1 or 2 tbsp. teriyaki sauce
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
Black pepper to taste
Clean and rinse chicken, place in shallow pan, pour all of above
ingredients over chicken and marinate 24 hours in refrigerator. Grill
over medium heat, turning every three minutes and basting with marinade
each turn until done. Do not overcook.
(Calorie value is 45 per ounce - goes great with a baked potato and a
tossed salad.)
Optional: cube chicken before marinating and create Hawaiian Chicken
Kabobs, with pineapple chunks, sweet bell pepper (red, yellow, etc.),
sweet onion, or any fruit or vegetable of your choice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aloha Chicken Wings

25 chicken wings
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
2 tablespoons garlic salt
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon paprika
20 oz can crushed pineapple
1 cup ketchup
1/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1/4 cup soy sauce

Preheat oven to 400. Have butcher cut wings at joints into 3 pieces.
Discard bony end of wing tip or reserve for another use (such as
soup). Arrange remaining chicken parts in single layer in well-oiled
baking pans. Prick skin with fork. Combine vinegar, garlic salt,
onion powder, ginger and paprika to make a baste; brush over chicken.
Bake 30 minutes. Turn once. Combine pineapple and juice with
ketchup, brown sugar, and soy sauce. Spoon sauce over wings. Continue
roasting 15 minutes more, or until done. Remove wings to serving
platter. Serve immediately or until serving time. Wings may be
reheated in oven or over hot coals on a grill.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Who ends up with more money after winning a NASCAR race,
the driver or the car owner?

Prize money in all NASCAR race competitions shall be payable to the driver, and each driver will be solely responsible for the settlement with the car owner. Drivers are independent contractors; they hire themselves out far the season to the best team possible. Each driver negotiates his own financial arrangement with the owner of his race team, so no two deals are alike. However, all drivers receive income from three basic sources: (1) racing, (2) personal endorsements, and (3) licensing revenue. Some drivers' contracts include clauses that compensate them for awards they would have won but didn't because their car owner doesn't carry a particular decal.

And, of course, this goes to the driver!

Prize Money Earnings from racing have two facets: a base salary, plus a percentage of the winnings. Drivers who are just starting out at the Winston Cup level may get a salary of $100,000 and 10 percent of the purse. Those with more experience but no record of recent success may be able to negotiate something between $100,000 and $200,000 in salary and perhaps up to 20 percent of the winnings. For NASCAR's top drivers, those who have years of experience and have demonstrated the ability to win races, salaries range between $500,000 and $800,000 a year, plus 30 to 50 percent of the winnings. In a season, a top ten driver will win between $1 million and $3 million for the team. The driver's take, on top of his salary, could be anywhere from $300,000 to $1.5 million.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

What this country needs is fewer inventions and more mechanics
to service those we already have.

TOON TIME

Shark
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22240.htm

Digging the Streets Up
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22239.htm

Nice Delivery
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22238.htm

He was just an old blowhard anyway
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny483.html

Questions And Answers
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/qa/index.htm

Cross Dress Wedding
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22237.htm

Weeee...
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22236.htm

We've Got To Talk
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22235.htm

He couldn't be right ALL the time!!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny484.html

Triangles
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/triangles.htm

Flipped
http://www.buffaloschips.com/flipped.htm

Fencing
http://www.buffaloschips.com/Fencing.htm

Raise The Flag
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2230513.htm

LAST CALL Y'ALL

That's all folks
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