Wal-Mart MD

Since most of us are going to the doctor's office a lot, maybe we should try this...since insurance costs are going out of sight!!!

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor's certificate for your employer."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always ... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in
Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one another
for a number of years.
.
One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower
and widow made a foursome with two other singles.
.
They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few
admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, " Will you marry me? "
.
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I
will. "
.
The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their
respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say
'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember.
.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of
the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the
question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he
then inquired of her, " When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?
.
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my
heart. "
.
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she
continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who
asked me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A  guy  is  81 years old and loves to fish.


He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.


He thought he was dreaming when he  heard  the  voice  say again, "Pick
me up."


He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The  frog  said,  "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.  Then, kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll
then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The  man  looked  at  the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then  the  frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never
had."
He  opened  his  pocket,  looked  at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age
I'd rather have a talking frog"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the
laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away
from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little
feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came
to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful
sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the
lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to
them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the
most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them
again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat
them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke
softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.
"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back
over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We
thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,
'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is
yours, all you have to do is ask.'  The cat says,  'Well, I lived all my
life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

  A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go
to
Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the
cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased
by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair
of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says,'Say no
more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny
roller skates.

  About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and
asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and
stretches and says...'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those
Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the 6th day, God created men & women.
On the 7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he
was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created
the teacher.

This teacher though, taken from among men and women had several
significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable
than other men and women.

The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no
earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be
able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little
monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103
term papers over Easter vacation.

Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was
equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and
lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom.

And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience
when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just
repeated for someone else.

Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a
row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the
text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human
heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who
screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs
out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye
or a thank you.

And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God
knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students
would one day learn to spell... Hoping not to have lunchroom
duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping
for deliverance.

When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the
work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And
God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers.

And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created

"SNOW DAYS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering
from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked
him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied
"I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."

The doctor told him that the next time he played, he
should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but
he decided to give it a try.

So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing
buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an
imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole!
He was playing the best game he had ever played,
with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached
the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been
playing ahead of him and watching this game with
much curiosity.

The second golfer waited before he teed off on the
10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to
join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole,
the second golfer asked him what he was doing.

The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him
to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve
his stress, and it was working.

Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress
and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also.

The first golfer said "Sure!"

They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both
men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his
imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting,
"Ace! I win!"

The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That
was my ball."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was trying to choose a career. Although I didn't have any experience, I decided to audition at a theater school. I arrived to find several hundred hopefuls lining the corridor, and by the time my name was called, I'd almost convinced myself I didn't have enough talent. However, I paid the $50 audition fee and stood before the five theater-faculty members.

"Why do you want to join?" asked one.

"Well," I hesitated, "I'm not really sure that I do."

"I sense you're a people person," said another.

"Oh, yes," I enthused. "I like meeting people very much."

"Well, you just paid ten dollars a head to meet us," I was told. "Next!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night, having retired to bed after a disappointing day wrestling with a particularly troublesome scene in one of the Pink Panther films, director Blake Edwards was roused by a call from the film's star, Peter Sellers. "I just talked to God!" he enthused. "And He told me how to do it!" The following day, Edwards humored Sellers - and the result was an unmitigated disaster. "Peter," Edwards sighed, "next time you talk to God, tell Him to stay out of show business." 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the course of her long career, Dionne Warwick pursued a number of business ventures, including an interior design firm, a fragrance (called Dionne), a television-production company, and, most memorably, the Psychic Friends Network (PFN). Warwick, to her chagrin, became the brunt of many jokes when the Psychic Friends Network was forced into bankruptcy in the late 1990s: Why, she was often asked, did she not see it coming
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The ferry of which I was captain was docking and there was a slight off-shore wind. Normally we wouldn't need a bow line - engine thrust would keep the ship steady - but I took no chances, and instructed the young helmsman to run down and get the head line. When he hesitated, I repeated my request. Some time passed and I was wondering what was keeping him when he reappeared. "Beats me why you want this, Captain," he said. And he handed me the headlines from that morning's newspaper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I teach nursing students and was delighted when my niece Molly enrolled in my course. Though I took particular care planning for the first class she was to attend, I was still a little nervous. The evening after her first class, my sister asked Molly what it was like having her aunt for a teacher. She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said: "She was wearing a really nice skirt. I wonder if she'd let me borrow it sometime."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a week fishing with his friend Ben, my husband, Rob, came home with six boxes of blueberries. "Ben and I split on these," he said. "Could you make us each a blueberry pie?" The next week Rob came home with two zucchinis. "Ben sent these. Could you make us each a loaf of zucchini bread?"

The next morning Rob found a three pounds of hamburger meat on the kitchen table. "What's this?" he asked.

"I thought you could take that to Ben's," I replied, "and he could send me home a lasagna."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was bent over his book intently, pencil clutched tightly in his hand. "Ah," he sighed, his eyes misting as he recalled the past. "I remember the good old days. Grade school was such fun," my grandson announced as he continued working on his high school homework.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister, a poor bowler, was talked into joining a Friday-night league. "Well, how did you do?" I asked her after her first outing.

"I got one strike," she said, sighing, "but they wouldn't let me count it...It wasn't in my lane."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pompous congressman was arrested for speeding and brought before a judge. The politician spoke in his best oratorical manner, "I'll admit I may have been speeding a little, Your Honor, but you see I'm a congressman and..." "Ignorance is no excuse," broke in the judge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking in the shopping mall for a cotton nightgown, I decided to try my luck in a store that
was known for its hot lingerie. Well, to my delight, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the queue to pay, out the corner of my eye I notice a young lady behind me,
holding exactly the same nightgown I had picked.
Naturally, this confirmed what I had suspected all along: despite being the wrong side of 50, I still have a very 'with it' attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother." 

This year I'm spending my vacation somewhere near my budget.