Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you,
that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says,
"So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm
from Dublin , I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am
I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old
central part of town"
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And
may
I ask, to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really
excited and says, "And so did I. I thought you looked familiar. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The
first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you believe it, I graduated from
St. Mary's in 1964 me ownself."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a l o n g night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you
say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat
further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he
decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the
bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that stupid cat on the phone, I'm
lost! And need directions!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 10 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS

10. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

  8. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

  7. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing 
www.pethouse.com instead of working.

  5.Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

  4. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

  3. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

  1. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FRED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state  
trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.  
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked  
when he walked up to the car.  

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the  
officer.  

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires  
out?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the  
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The  
doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"  

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such  
good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up  
and down the fairways."  

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got  
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"  

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"  

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your  
father is still alive?  How old is he?"  

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he  
golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive,  
he's a golfer."  

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's  
more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when  
he died?"  

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"  

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your  
grandfather's still living! How old is he?"  

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."  

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said,  
"I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"  

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning  
because he got married."  

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a  
118-year-old guy want to get married?"  

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DICTIONARY

Major Technological Breakthrough -
  Back to the drawing board.

  Developed after years of intensive research -
  It was discovered by accident.

  Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen 
difficulties -
  We are working on something else.

  The designs are well within allowable limits -
  We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured -
  We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get 
anything at all from us.

  Close project coordination -
  We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility 
for this.

  The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -
  We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

  A number of different approaches are being tried -
  We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

  Test results were extremely gratifying -
  It works, and are we surprised!

  Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -
  We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a 
while.

  Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -
  The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

  The entire concept will have to be abandoned -
  The only guy who understood the thing quit.

  Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties -
  We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FRED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make  your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?  We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother."

"Father?  We don't know who our fathers are.  We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal?  We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French, too, wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?"  They said, "How much are they?" "They're free."

"We'll take 10."


There, that ought to offend just about everybody!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CARL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My doctor gave me a choice: "Either lose fifty-five pounds
or grow six inches taller."
~
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Cloet Hammons, guitarist for the East Texas Serenaders born 1899.

Al Dexter born Clarence Albert Poindexter, Jacksonville, TX 1902.

Nelle Poe of the Poe sisters born in Mississippi 1922.

Glen Snoddy, chief engineer of Owen Bradley's Quonset Hut Studio, born Shelbyville, TN 1922.

Bobby Austin singer/songwriter, born Wenatchee, WA 1933.

Tim DuBois, songwriter/producer/record company executive, born Grove, OK 1948.

Stella Parton born Sevierville, TN 1949.

J.L. Joe Frank, age 52, died on this date in 1952. Inducted CMHF 1967.

Robert Ellis Orrall, singer/songwriter, born Winthrop, MA 1955.

Gene Vincent recorded "Be Bop A Lula," in Nashville, 1956.

Carl Perkins topped the country charts with "Blue Suede Shoes" 1956.

Randy Travis born Marshville, NC 1959.

The Kingston Trio won the first ever Country Music Grammy for "Tom Dooley," in 1959.

The Wilburn Brothers nationally syndicated television show debuted in 1963.

Ray Pillow joined the Grand Ole Opry 1966.

Marty Robbins wrecked his racecar in the Winston 500 at Talladega, AL 1975.

Rodney Crowell & Rosanne Cash went to #1 with "It's Such A Small World" 1988.

Hubert Davis, Banjo player, died 1992.

The Country Music Foundation's annual medallion ceremony, which honors new Hall of Fame inductees, saluted Porter Wagoner and Bill Carlisle at the Hall of Fame in 2003.

Erv Woolsey's "The Trap" nightclub in Nashville, hosted a benefit concert for Grand Ole Opry fiddler Greg Perkins in 2004.  Erv Woolsey is George Strait's long time manager.