THOUGHT FOR TODAY:I am having an out of money experience.

YOUR TOP TEN
IS MISSING!!!!

**** JOKE TIME ****

Back in 1912, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of mayonnaise. It was scheduled to deliver the condiment to Vera Cruz, Mexico, after it stopped in New York. Unfortunately, the ship sank and the mayonnaise was lost. The Mexicans were very disappointed. In fact, they declared a national day of mourning that is observed on May 5: Sinko de Mayo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every Monday morning I encourage my English-as-a-second-language students to tell us what they did over the weekend. One student struggled admirably to relate her activities, and when she finished, she sighed heavily. In her native Spanish, she asked: "Did any of that make sense? I didn't understand a word I said!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The comic piano player Victor Borge ventured far away from his field of expertise when he bought a chicken ranch. When a friend asked if he knew anything about breeding chickens, Borge said, "No, but the chickens do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As new residents of Philadelphia, PA., my three daughters and I consulted a map every time we went out in the car. But frequently horns honked in frustration while the girls called out directions and I looked for street signs.

Then the day arrived when we decided to brave the downtown area. Everything was going well, and we were feeling quite proud of ourselves when suddenly it seemed every car on the street began honking its horn.

"What are they all so upset about?" I muttered. "We haven't done anything wrong."

"Mom," came a voice from the back seat, "that's a wedding procession."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our son's first day as a courier kept him busy learning the meaning of terms such as regular, hot, rush and aggressive as they apply to the speed with which a delivery is to be made. Just as he began to feel comfortable, he received a call from the dispatcher to pick up three hots at a certain address. Although he had initially got lost, he wasn't far from the client's when the dispatcher called again--the customer was asking why the courier was late. He assured the office he'd be there shortly. He darted out of his car, already flustered due to his tardiness, and dashed into the office. "Who's got the hots for me?" he asked loudly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, Craig, worked for a printing company. One evening he was expecting his supplier, Jarred, and Jarred's men who "strip the plates," to review a job and then go out to dinner. But Jarred and his men didn't show up at the appointed time. When Jarred did arrive, he told Craig he had phoned to cancel the meeting. The receptionist hadn't passed the message on. When Craig asked her why, she said she thought Jarred had been kidding. Puzzled, he asked her to repeat Jarred's message. "Tell Craig we have to cancel our meeting, and dinner is off because the strippers are too busy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one- way street." 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daniel Webster's father left him and his brother Ezekiel alone one day and gave them specific instructions as to the work they were to accomplish. On his return, he found the task still undone, and severely questioned his sons about their idleness. "What have you been doing, Ezekiel?" he asked.

"Nothing, sir."

"Well, Daniel, what have you been doing?"

"Helping Zeke, sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If we really wanted to stop organized crime, all we have to do is form a government agency to run it, then stand back while it is choked to death by red tape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOUR PERSONAL COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

Describe your problem.

Now, describe the problem accurately.

  Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Problem Severity:
  A. Minor__
  B. Minor__
  C. Minor__
  D. Trivial__

Nature of the problem:
  A. Locked Up__
  B. Frozen__
  C. Hung__
  D. Shot__

  Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

  Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

  Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

  Have you made it worse? Yes__

  Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

  Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

  Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

  Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

  If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

  How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______

  What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
  occurred?

  If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

  Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

  How does this problem make you feel?

  Tell me about your childhood.

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

  Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ No __
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FRED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



**** HERE'S YOUR SIGN - STUPID ****

Thief Not Exactly Caught Red Handed

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - A thief in British Columbia  
got more than he bargained for when he stole a few hundred  
dollars worth of tools from a weather station. Police say  
the thief was exposed to radiation when entering and leaving  
the unmanned station at Mount Sicker on southern Vancouver  
Island through a Doppler Radar dome near the top of the  
facility. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police issued an un-  
usual warning urging the thief to seek medical treatment  
immediately, reminding him or her that the visit can remain  
secret because of doctor-patient confidentiality rules.  
"Human exposure to this type of radiation could result in  
permanent damage to soft tissue, i.e. eyes and testicles,"  
police concluded in a statement.  

**** WEIRD HAPPENINS ****

Man Gives A Penny For His Thoughts...And Then Some  

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida - James Lundy III made a lot of  
"cents" the day he paid his $1,050 traffic fine, literally.  
Lundy, 26, apparently felt so "abused by the system" and un-  
fairly treated during a traffic stop, that he decided to pay  
his fine with 105,000 pennies. Officials say it took Lundy  
several trips to carry in 17 cloth sacks full of coins into  
the St. Lucie County courthouse. Lundy, who reportedly has  
an extensive history of traffic violations, was ticketed for  
traveling 53 mph in a 35 mph speed zone and having expired  
tags. Each ticket carried a $525 fine, amounts he called  
"ridiculous." Court officials had no choice but to accept  
the payment.  


Italian Woman to Give Birth Twice in Three Months    
  
ROME, Italy - Flavia D'Angelo, 20, will be the first woman to  
ever be pregnant for 12 consecutive months. The woman will  
give birth to a baby girl, whom she will name Denise, but she  
will be back in the hospital in three months. She will then  
deliver THREE more babies, a girl and two boys. She called  
the double pregnancy a "gift from God, " and said she was both  
"happy" and "scared." She told reporters, "I am scared because  
I still don't know how the deliveries will work." Her partner,  
Riccardo Tarquini, reacted a different way. In fact, the news  
almost gave him the giggles. Tarquini said, "My first reaction  
was to burst out laughing, while she burst into tears and  
asked the doctor to take a closer look." There has been only  
one precedent for this case when a woman kept ovulating after  
her first pregnancy. For D'Angelo, though, becoming pregnant  
with three more babies has been called a "one in two million  
event." Now that will be a birthday party not to miss.  



From the Australian Bureau of Statistics 

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on  
their tongue.  

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the  
pins from new shirts.  

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christ-  
mas tree while the lights were plugged in.  

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating  
Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.  

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the  
last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth  
or eye socket. [Eye socket! I would pay to see this one.]  

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep  
(passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.  

[Thanks to Simon Chadwick of Brisbane Australia for sending  
in this truly insightful list.] 



**** HEALTH NEWS ****

Doctor wants universal celiac testing  

AUSTIN, Texas, -- Doctors are debating universal testing  
for celiac disease, a chronic intestinal disorder  
increasingly linked to type 1 diabetes. While early diag-  
nosis can improve lives and prevent intestinal damage,  
critics of the idea say the test is too costly and too  
invasive. Celiac disease is a lifelong disorder that sick-  
ens people when they eat gluten, a protein found in wheat,  
rye and barley. If left untreated, celiac disease can lead  
to serious complications, including fragile bones, cancer  
and even death from malnutrition, the Austin American-  
Statesman reported. The disease affects an estimated one  
in 100 people in the general population but is increasingly  
being linked to people with the type 1 diabetes, the news-  
paper said. At the American Diabetes Association's annual  
meeting in June, Dr. Jane Wray of Austin plans to push for  
new guidelines for doctors to screen all type 1 diabetics  
for celiac, the newspaper said. Opponents say universal  
testing is too costly and too invasive and can be life-  
altering if the disease is confirmed before symptoms show  
up. They say they can't imagine telling children who don't  
appear sick that they can never eat bread, pizza, pasta or  
cookies again, the newspaper said   

Lung cancer drug may treat breast cancer  

LONDON, -- British scientists say that carboplatin, a drug  
now used to treat lung and ovarian cancer, may be effective  
against one type of breast cancer. Working with mice, a  
team led by Dr. Andrew Tutt, a consulting oncologist at  
Guys' and St. Thomas's National Health Service Foundation  
in London, found that tumors caused by mutations in the  
BRCA gene were sensitive to carboplatin, which appeared to  
be up to 20 times more effective than standard therapies.  
"There is an increasing realization that breast cancer is  
not just one disease, but that different types of tumors  
will respond differently to particular drugs," Tutt told  
the Times of London. "This genetically tailored chemo-  
therapy treatment acts in a much more focused manner than  
standard chemotherapy." Tutt and his colleagues are re-  
cruiting cancer patients with BRCA1 and BRCA2 tumors to  
compare carboplatin against docetaxel in a clinical trial.   

Generic Zocor sale restricted  

WASHINGTON, -- A U.S. district court ruling may restrict  
the availability of a cheaper generic version of the  
cholesterol reducing drug Zocor. The ruling may also chal-  
lenge a decision by the Food and Drug Administration's  
decision to approve all successful petitions to market  
generic Zocor. The U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C.  
ruled that Teva Pharmaceutical Industries of Israel and  
Ranbaxy Laboratories of India can market generic Zocor free  
from competition for half a year, the Wall Street Journal  
reported. Prior to the ruling, about a dozen different man-  
ufacturers were expected to start selling the generic statin  
drug by June, driving down the price of Zocor, said the  
report. The ruling says Teva can market the 10-, 20- and 40-  
milligram versions of the pill, while Ranbaxy could market  
the 80-milligram pills. The Journal report said the FDA  
could appeal the decision or find other arguments to chal-  
lenge the companies' exclusivity. It said among the losers  
in the ruling are pharmacy-benefit managers, who earn much  
of their profits from generic drugs.  

**** ON THIS DAY   ****

A Nurses reply 
by Liz Hogben

What do we see, you ask, what do we see?
Yes, we are thinking when looking at thee
We may seem to be hard when we hurry and fuss
But there's many of you and too few of us.

We would like far more time to sit by you and talk
To bath you and feed you and help you to walk
To hear of your lives and the things you have done
Your childhood, your husband, your daughter, your son.

But time is against us, there's too much to do -
Patients too many and nurses too few
We grieve when we see you so sad and alone
With nobody near you, no friends of your own
We feel all your pain, and know of your fear
That nobody cares now your end is so near.

But nurses are people with feelings as well
And when we're together you'll often hear tell
Of the dearest old Gran in the very end bed
And the lovely old Dad and the things that he said
We speak with compassion and love, and feel sad
When we think of your lives and the joy that you've had.

When the time has arrived for you to depart
You leave us behind with an ache in our heart
When you sleep the long sleep, no more worry or care
There are other people, and we must be there
So please understand if we hurry and fuss
There are many of you and too few of us!!

Liz Hogben
**** AMY'S KITCHEN ****

THAT'S ALL FOLKS
SEE YA MONDAY
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.  
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.